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Pain, Regrets, and Guilt

Summary:
What was Edward thinking as he boarded the plane to Italy after he hears Rosalies new? Read to find out.


Notes:
Sorry I know this kinda sucks compared to my last stroy. I just can never fully get Edwards mind right. Anyways I thought I post it anyways. PLEASE REVIEW!


1. Chapter 1

Rating 5/5   Word Count 739   Review this Chapter

I would have thought that there was no way that it would ever be possible to feel a higher degree of pain than what I’d endured over the last six months without Bella.


But as I boarded the pain to Italy I knew that I’d been incredibly, incredibly wrong. This degree of pain was stronger than anything I’d ever felt before. It nearly surpassed the amount of love I’d felt for Bella all together. The guilt came in third.


Ever since I’d gotten the news about Bella’s death from Rosalie yesterday, my mind had turned into an unfeeling, insensitive cloud of pain and nothingness. My reason for living was gone. Dead. I would never be able to see her blush, or smile again.


I couldn’t even focus on the thoughts around me. All of them were too joyous and happy and excited.


I knew I should be thinking about how to end my life but instead of thinking about the Volturi and their decisions, I thought about Charlie and Renee and how they would take the news. I wondered if they would hold me responsible. I wondered how they would cope.


Unfortunately, this line of thought lead a mental image that I’d been trying very, very hard to suppress: It’s of Bella laying in a casket- cold, white, unmoving. Her lips are turned down into a frown of sadness. Her eyes are closed and even though I know that I won’t be going to the funeral regardless the thought of never seeing into the depths of her chocolate brown eyes sickens me…


I’m not breathing. That act is just too painful because every time I take a breath it feels like a thousand vampires digging their razor sharp teeth deep into my rock solid skin and ripping it apart.


Some of the other passengers notice this but I don’t bother to pretend.


I stop thinking about Bella and her funeral because the pain is just too unbearable. But then the guilt overpowers me and I realize that I deserve to feel this pain. I deserve to face it and suffer in it.


This is all my fault. I’m the one that left her broken. I’m the one that took the will to live right out of her. Every thought that I’d had that'd told me that humans get over things- that feelings fade- was silenced. Some of them don’t.


I never should have left. I should have stayed with her; because what it all came down to was that I couldn’t live without Bella… And apparently she couldn’t live without me either.


I’d spent months trying to convince myself that staying away was only way that she could be safe. That it was the only way that she could ever be completely normal and happy. I’d believed this heart, head, and soul, but now I realized that…


“Can I get you something to drink?” the hostess asked politely.


I don’t speak. I can’t remember how to force words out of my mouth anymore. Instead I just nod my head from side to side. She gives me a troubled look and then turns to walk down the aisle.


I close my eyes and try to pretend that I’m sleeping so that no one will try to ask me anything more, but I'm lost in the pain and guilt again as Bella’s face lingers behind my eyelids.


Her face is expressionless. She isn’t looking at me or anything really, but it’s there and it makes me want to tear myself to shreds.


Her face doesn’t leave. It just stays there, staring at nothing.


I open my eyes and the short dumpy man sitting next to me is staring at me wide eyed at my hand. Only then do I realize that my hand is grasped so tight around the armrest between us that it’s molded into the shape of my fingers pressed into it.


“Crap,” I mutter for his benefit.


It sounds fake and lifeless even to myself but I just can’t bring myself to really care.


I don’t close my eyes again because I can’t bear to see the empty look on Bella’s face anymore.


I glance at my watch and realize the plane will be landing in less than 15 minutes and am eternally grateful.


I only have an hour before I get to stop living and the thought nearly makes me feel a hint of happiness.