What she said next I would never forget. "If he dies Edward, I die too... and it will be your fault." Then she left and I knew what I had to do, even if it was going to kill me.
2. Chapter 2
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“If he dies, Edward, I die too… and it will be your fault.”
3 Years earlier
“You… don’t… want me?”
“Don’t.” My voice was just a whisper now; awareness was beginning to seep through me, trickling like acid through my veins. “Don’t do this.”
He just stared at me, and I could see from his eyes that my words were far too late.
He already had.
-new moon page 70
I opened my eyes, but did no more than that. No stretching or yawning or blinking, like usual. I let his words pass through me again, for the thousandth time, literally. I tried to be thankful that I no longer woke up screaming or sweating, but I couldn’t. My alarm clock went off, the constant beep, beep, beep.
It didn’t scare me or make me jump, I was expecting it, and its consistency was comforting. My alarm clock is sort of like my life line, not for waking up, (I always wake up at approximately 6:45, and my alarm clock always beeps at 7 o’clock exactly), but to actually get me up. Every morning, I’ll wake up, my eyes will open and I’ll stare at the ceiling as Edward’s words run through my head again and again and then my alarm clock will beep. Then I’ll start thinking about how my alarm clock is so useful instead of thinking about Edward.
And then I’ll think about my alarm clock until I realize that I am thinking about my alarm clock and then I’ll get up. But I’m afraid that if it wasn’t for my alarm clock his words would be on never-ending repeat and I would never get up. Yes, I am pathetic, but I am making progress. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself. I am however able to think his name without cringing anymore. I got up and dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, both clean; which yes, sadly, is another improvement.
I am no longer throwing the same clothes on every day. While looking at myself through the bathroom mirror, I brush my teeth and hair. My eyes are blank, lifeless, but no matter how hard I try I can’t fix that. I have fixed the black circles under my eyes, though, forcing myself to sleep. Well, actually that’s a lie, taking medication is not forcing myself to sleep.
It's more like letting go; letting the gravity of sleep overtake me. It’s my favorite part of the day, when I get to sleep. At first I would sleep as much as I could, just to hear and see him again. But with the good always comes the bad. That day would come and try to suffocate me and I would wake up screaming and shaking frantically.
So I started dreading night time, hating the moon and the stars, and terrified of the dark. I never hated Edward until then. What was once my favorite part of the day, what I once thought was so beautiful, was now revolting, all because of him. What made it even worse were the consequences of sleep deprivation. I became a walking zombie and months flew by without me even realizing it. Charlie finally took me to see a doctor and I was able to get some medicine that helped me sleep.
I’ve been taking this wonderful medicine for one month now, and it has been eight months, two weeks, and four days since he left.