Bella pretends that Edward loves her and faces the realizaions that come with it.
1. Chapter 1
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Sometimes at night I like to close my eyes and pretend that you’re here with me. I pretend that the pillow my head is rested on is your chest. I wrap my arm around myself and imagine that it’s your arm. If the window is open I pretend that the light breeze I feel across my skin is your breathe instead. If I’m really into it I’ll even make up conversations. Some of them are as if you’ve never left me, while others are of you coming back.
It’s just too easy to get lost in my own little make- believe heaven sometimes. I’ll spend hours just getting lost in the stories. Sometimes I even find myself smiling- something that usually never happens now unless it’s forced.
The best part is it doesn’t even hurt that much until I open my eyes.
But when I do open my eyes I have to ask myself if it’s really worth it after all. The sense of loss after my delusions is even more unbearable than the memories at times.
Because when I open my eyes I have to realize that I’ll never be able to rest my head on your icy perfect chest again. I’ll never be able to feel you holding me close. And if I happen to feel a light breeze against my neck it will never be your sweet-smelling breathe. You are gone. And even if you were here you wouldn’t want me regardless.
These realizations rip me apart. They make me curl up in a ball while my breathing becomes forced.
But when I gain control of myself again I realize that I’ll never stop pretending that you love me. No matter how untrue and unbearable it might be, it’s just so much easier to pretend that I was enough to hold you.
And when I realize that, I also must face that I will never stop loving you either.
Charlie must think that I’d hate after all that you did to me, but in reality I still love you every ounce as much as I did before you left me all alone in the forest that day.
And although I know that I never was and never will be enough, I really don’t think that it’s going to change anything. My heart is like a vampire heart. It never changes- never moves. It was beating before I met you but after I did it just stopped. Your love- our love -made it stop beating. And now it will never beat again because that love will always be too strong.
Maybe someday I’ll be able to move on. Maybe one day I’ll be able to give into Jacob’s pleading and “claim” him. But Edward I swear every time I feel his hands brush my face, every time he presses his lips to mine, every time he grabs hold of my hand, I’ll always be wishing that it was you instead. I’ll always be wishing that I was feeling icy and cold skin instead of feverish and hot. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll pretend that it is you.