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second chance

Summary:
what if... Jacob was not in the story... Bella would have died while cliff diving... what if... Edward had not been able to commit suicide... he would have to endure life alone... what if... Bella came back somehow... Edward would have a second chance to re-write history...


Notes:
i normally don't try my hand at anguished love stories but this one ate at me...screaming to be written...so here it is.. written in Edward's POV...coz 'midnight sun' is obvioius not getting published and i'm fed up with Bella's love sick attitude..lol disclaimer: i own nothing! and i don't plan on repeating this endlessly!


1. Chapter 1

Rating 4/5   Word Count 629   Review this Chapter

EPOV

I stared at the ceiling and counted the dust particles flying about. I would allow myself this much peace. This much reprieve from the constant torture that was my life. Just to remain sane. For the memories to not bring forth the monster that I was. I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes.

I was ready now. Ready to face what I had done. Nearly eighteen years had gone by. But like each and every day I needed to remember. To keep her alive by my side. Also because the pain somehow kept me alive. I needed it as much as I had thirsted for her blood. I focused on her voice, as clear as my memory would allow.

"Do you swear you won't leave me?" she had whispered.

“I swear.”

"Promise me," she had insisted

"What?"

"You know what." she had angrily retorted.

"I don't seem to be strong enough to stay away from you, so I suppose that you'll get your way… whether it kills you or not," I had stated roughly.

"Good."

I had broken my promise. I wished I had a soul to get the punishment I deserved for having gone back on my word. I wished I had not heard her say the words that forced me to endure this existence without her.

"No matter what might ever happen to me, you are not allowed to hurt yourself!"

But I could not even fault her this. It had been my decision to remain alive. I was a masochistic lion, I thrived on living through the pain because I knew I deserved it. I had tainted the only beautiful being in my life. I was the only one willing to offer punishment.

My love, my life.

I had found a sense to my existence the day I had met her. Through the anguish of wanting her blood she had been the only being I had really wanted. I craved her smell, her laugh, her soft moans when we kissed, her warm body against mine. I loved her so much.

I felt the sobs constricting my throat. I had envied her that. When she was sad or angry she had sweet relief somehow through her tears. I could not cry. I could not release my pain through tears.

I closed my eyes again and saw her smiling at me. I needed her smiles too. They were proof that she had been happy with me. That if I had had the courage we could have been happy together.

I felt the need escalating in my body. I wanted to growl. To scream. To thrash something. I opened my eyes and counted the dust motes till my breathing returned to almost normal.

Edward. Can I come in? I heard Alice.

“Yes.” I murmured.

She stepped in the room cautiously. She smiled hesitantly.

Renewed anguish coursed through me. I had not only taken my love away from my life but hers as well. Alice had been the only one holding me responsible for the few months following her death. Even though she had still cared enough to save me from death she couldn’t stop resenting me for having stopped her from looking into Bella’s future. Alice would have been able to stop her from dying.

“Edward are you sure you’re ready?” she asked softly.

“Yes, its time I think, she would want me to go on.” I said in a strangled voice. Alice looked down but I saw the grief cross her features before.

Edward are you sure you’re okay?

Jasper was standing outside. He evaded my presence when I was in my room. The pain in there was too much for him to take in.

“Yes.”

I grabbed my school bag and walked towards the door.

“Let’s go.” I said.

Forgive me, my love.

I repeated those words like each and every day since learning that Bella had killed herself.