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Dear Diary

Summary:
Diary 8/7/02 My name is Renesmee Cullen and i am 14 (8) years old. The only comfort life brings me is Jacob Black, my best friend.

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Notes:
I didn't like the ending of Breaking Dawn, but i thought about how deep and emotional renesmee's life would be. Her being forced into this life as a Half Breed, having to deal with her famil and her overloving Jacob Black. But how far would Jacob go just to have her love him the way he wants her to?


1. Walking with Strangers

Rating 5/5   Word Count 879   Review this Chapter

Diary 1 8/7/02

My name is Renesmee Cullen and I am 14 (8) years old. I don't know how I got here or why. All I know is that I'm stuck here. In this little white room, paintings of exotic birds cover the walls, accompanied by a small bed with black bedding and pink dresser. The only comfort life brings me is Jacob, my best friend, werewolf guy. Hairy, smelly, slobbery, loud, overconfident, cocky werewolf/best friend, who was in love with me. Yep that was Jacob. My Jacob. That's how I have been describing him all my life, as my Jacob. No matter how annoying he got or pushy or even pissed me off so much I wanted to strangle him, (which happened frequently) I still loved him. Not the way he wanted, though. Hence the pushiness I mentioned earlier.

Now I knew what my mom went through as a human. Everyone was against Edward (Dad) but she fought through all the hard ships and found true love and happiness. I'm fighting the battle that will determine my life forever and everyone is against me. Though they try to express that they care what I think for now, they still know I really would end up with Jacob. I had told Jacob once how much they really made me resent him. I never should have told him that, because after that moment, everyone kept quiet on the subject. But there still is that look in their eyes whenever he touched me, waiting for me to crumble, lose the battle.

It's not that I don't find him attracted, but I heard my mother's story one hundred times, and I want the love she got. In reality, all I was getting was a werewolf who was forced into this. Neither of us planned this and personally I thought it unfair.

My world is falling apart in front of me. Everything I loved about Jacob makes me resent him. I feel like I need to be in love with him. But I made it perfectly clear I wouldn't force myself to love him or anyone else. I like my life with him just as my friend. We are close, but I have to admit, it gets awkward when the moment gets intimate, and I always bolted out of there before it gets to intense for me. It was like he has a power over me. I don't like it. I don't like to feel I'm not in control of my own life.

"What you up to, Nessie?" I broke the pen in my hand when he popped out of no where.

I whirled around to see him sitting on my bed behind me, looking at my journal from over my shoulder. I snapped the book closed.

"Nothing Jacob, I was just jotting some thoughts down before I went to bed." I got up and placed it gently in a rectangular box, shut the lid, locked it and shoved the box into my top drawer.

Jacob sat up straight and yawned.

"I was about to hit the hay, just wanted to check up on you." I nodded.

We just stared at each other for a long time. I gave up with a sigh.

"Goodnight Jacob." I walked over, kissed his cheek and continued waiting for him to get out.

But still he sat there, a small smile playing on his lips.

"No. I need a full night of rest and I don't need you in here to bother me."

"I won't bother you, I swear." He held out his pinky in front of me.

Again I sighed.

"No, you'll turn into a creepy stalker and stay up all night staring at me." We both laughed.

Finally I intertwined our pinkies.

"Scoot over." He nodded and rolled over onto the other side of my bed.

I got in under all my blankets and leaned slightly inward. He rested his head on my shoulder and sighed.

"If only every night could be like this." I groaned.

"You're pushing your luck as it is buddy."

"Forgive me Queen Renesmee, I am not worthy." I playfully smacked his arm and told him to be quiet because I had to get some sleep.

Even if it was a bit awkward to be this close to him, it was strangely comforting. I love the way his light snoring was so familiar. The way his woodsy smell fills the air and gives me the chills down my spine. I love him. But I don't. It was complicated. I wished everyday could be like this too. Natural. No pressure or choices. Just love and peace through day and night.

It was like I was stepping into the light but I couldn't see. No matter how long I waited for my eyes to get used to it, they never did. He lips pressed against my ear, whispering.

"Never say no to me." But would I have the strength to disobey.

Something deep in me so badly wanted to escape to run and never look back. Knowing something was out there. Something that is entirely different from Jacob. Something I would fall in love with...