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AU. Bella hasn't spoken a word since the accident - 6 years ago. In a bid to start a fresh, her mother sends her to live with her dad in Forks. There she is the freak to the other kids. Apart from the mysterious Edward Cullen, who helps unlock her past.

A very different try at a fan fiction for me. I don’t know how this is going to turn out. I’d thought I’d give a go at a more serious fanfic. I hope you like it. Please review if you can. Thank you. Disclaimer: I own nothing.

5. Sunday 2nd January 2005 11:50pm

Rating 4/5   Word Count 826   Review this Chapter

Chapter 5. Hope you like it. After this one, most entries, will be mainly daily. Thanks so much for the support & the reviews. Keep them coming! Enjoy

They say dreams are the windows of the soul--take a peek and you can see the inner workings, the nuts and bolts. - Henry Bromel

Sunday 2 nd January 2005 - 11:50pm

Dear Diary,

Suzie came over, much to my dismay.

Luckily she only stayed about 2 hours. Titanic, was on cable. We caught it, half way through & decided to watch it. I still managed to cry, when Jack dies. Suzie didn’t. Suzie never cries.

I’ve never mentioned this, but when I see someone dieing in the movies or a tv programme or even in the newspaper or a book, it always reminds me of Melanie. Her cold, pale, face drenched in her own blood, lying immobile on the floor. The image leaks in, as clear, as ever, even though it’s been so long.

Suzie talks very little about the move, for which I’m grateful.

“I’ll miss you.” She said. “You will email.” And that was all she talked of the subject.

I nod to her & carry on watching the film. Suzie plays with her cell phone, during it. This annoys me. Sometimes I get the feeling, that Suzie doesn’t want to be there. That she’s only my friend because of what happened. That like everyone else, she feels sorry for me.

I wrote her a note, asking her about if that was the case in 8th grade. She tore it up & told me I was seriously fucked up. Which was probably true. We didn’t speak of it again.

When the film, had finished Suzie took it as her liberty, to switch the channel to a music channel. I don’t know which one, I wasn’t paying much attention, I had more stuff on my mind. It was blaring rave dance music, which Suzie In the past few months, had become a fan of. A fad. Suzie had a lot of fads.

We talked while the music was playing. Well, Suzie talked, me the abnormal mute, merely listened.

Suzie told me all about her new boyfriend, Cameron, I think his name was. Suzie, has had lots of boyfriends. Some of them can not even be considered the word boy. Some last longer, than others, but most go in a few weeks. Suzie’s confident. I’m not.

I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never even kissed a boy. Not that I ever will, mind. Dr West, reckons I’m asexual, which means I don’t have any feelings towards men or women. He’s wrong. Big surprise. I don’t care for any of the boys at school. Sure some are good looking. Some more than good looking. But most of them are immature. Little Boys as Suzie would say. Even the ones that aren’t don’t appeal to me. I’m certain I don’t appeal to them. Who would want to date Bella Swan - the freak?

But that doesn’t mean, that its impossible for me to love. Does it? I constantly read books, like Pride & Prejudice, Mansfield Park, Romeo & Juliet & Sense & Sensibility, just to imagine having love like that. It gives me, that little bit of hope. Although, it will probably never happen.

Suzie explains to me sometimes, what boys do to her. Most of the time, it’s too disgusting for words, but other times, it sounds so beautiful, so romantic, so natural.

She doesn’t delve much into the topic tonight, thankfully. She seems more interested that he owns a Porsche convertible & has a six pack, than anything else. I do love Suzie, I truly do, but often I get the inkling that she can be very vain. But I can’t be choosy with friends. She’s one of the few that I have.

When Suzie left, I went to go see Mom & Phil, in the living room. They were kissing, on the sofa. Nothing else, just kissing. And for that brief moment, where they didn’t notice me, I wanted more than anything, to be in their very position. Kissing the one I loved the most. Again another simple, everyday yet impossible fantasy of mine, that would never come true.

When they saw me, they pulled away, straight away. That annoyed me, more. The guilt I could read, from their faces.

I went to bed then. Not to sleep, obviously. Since I’ve got older, I’ve not needed hardly as much sleep, as I did. That’s because the nightmares come, when I’m a sleep. They come at least once, twice a week. Sometimes more. A few months after the accident, I had them every night. They’ve become less & less, over the years, but they’re still inevitable. They can’t be avoided when they come.

More than likely, one will come tonight. I was lucky to avoid one yesterday, but I doubt I’d get the same luck twice in a row.

Here’s to another sleepless night.



Chapter 6, up as soon as possible. Thank you for reading. Reviews would be lovely. x