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The New Moon [Not-So-New-Moon] Play

Summary:
Well, my dears, the title really says it all. This is New Moon, if it was either a really bad fanfic or written by a comedian of some sorts. I do hope you enjoy it, alot of my insanity went into it. =D


Notes:
I've been away for a while, aye? Well, because I elt so bad about Taken (by the way, the next chapter is up) I thought I'd make you all feel better with a bit o' comedy. Too many serious fan-fics and we'll all be depressed by the age of 2, save you GW..Nnot that you're old or anything, just....look, Imma stop talking so ya'll can read. Kayy?


1. EDWARD NO EVIL CACKLING!

Rating 5/5   Word Count 2672   Review this Chapter

[SOOO our story begins in Forks Washington, well the preface doesn’t but oooh that’s foreshadowing. We’ve all just read the preface, and Bella is running, and SUPRISINGLY, she hasn’t fallen on her face, yeah I know, LE GASP. But suddenly now were all in dream land. La la laaaaa, NOT.]

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~STEP INTO DREAM LAND~

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BELLA: Oh Em G! Get it? OMG? Oh EM G???...Ahh I crack myself up, anyways….Heyyy Grandma…S’up man, s’up? How’s being dead?

GRANDMA MARIE: *LE GASP*

BELLA: *LE GASP*

[At this point all of us Fan Girls are wondering what the heck is going on. So what? Now Bella can see the past, the present, and the future? What is this? Freaking ‘A Christmas Carol’?]

BELLA: *Moves hand up*

GRAN MARIE: *Moves hand down*

AUTHORPERSON AKA STEPHANIE MEYER (‘SM’ for future reference): No, no….You’re supposed to move you’re hand up too…Like…Mirroring each other. Oooo, Foreshadowing.

GRAN MARIE: Look I’m sorry okay, this part isn’t exactly easy to play ya know. *Moves hand up like Bella*

SM: No! Dammit! Wrong order, rewind and cross that whole arm thing out!

BELLA: *rewinds*Okay….So like, I should probably be asking about Pop right now, although Pop is such a silly name, I mean I assume it means Grandfather, but still Pop? I mean isn’t that a type of drink and…*Rambles on for 15 minutes*

SM: BELLA! Can we PLEASE get back to the long forgotten story line?

MYSTERIOUSVOICEWHOMNOONEKNOWSWHOITIS…YET: Bella?

BELLA: Well duh, who else could it be? Jacob freakin’ Black?

EDWARD: *Walks into Sunlight and Dazzles* WATCH ME SPARKLE BIATCH.

BELLA: *Drools* *Thinks naughty thoughts* God I’m so glad he can’t read my thoughts…

EDWARD: *Puts arm around Bella*

BELLA: *Puts arm around Edward*

GRAN MARIE: *Puts arm around thin air*

BELLA: Something doesn’t feel right….

FANGIRLSWHOARETOTALLYGLARINGATBELLA’SHANDAROUNDEDWARD: No duh, you freaking imbecile.

MIRROR: *encloses around Gran Marie’s form*

BELLA: Hmmm….I’m going to try something smart! *puts hand out to touch her grandma*

GRAN MARIE: *Mimics movement*BOTH: *Touch cold glass*

BELLA: OH MY DAZZLES! In a moment of pure genius I have just realised that that is not my gran! That is me! I am old! Old I tell you, Old! OLDDDDDD.

FANGIRLS: *HEADDESK*

MIRROR: *Doesn’t reflect Edward because he is a Vampy. Mc .Vampire Pants.*

EDWARD: Happy Birthday Sweetheart….Muahahahahaha

SM: Edward for the last time, no evil cackling. You are not evil. If you want to be evil you can do that down at Studio 9, three doors to the left, right next to the re-shooting of House.

EDWARD: *Grumbles about the pay being higher in House that it is there*

BELLA: I’m Old….Me…Beautiful…Lovely…Plain-I mean interesting old Bella…Old.

GRAN MARIE: Just appreciate that you’re dreaming, and that you’re not actually old... Oh, there goes my back again…

*

~COME OUT OF DREAM LAND~

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BELLA’S TINY AS DUCK ROOM

*

[Okay, so, Bella is waking up, trying not to cry because she realises she’ll get old one of these days and Edward will forever be 17, EVEN THOUGH he looks about 21 in the movie… Ya da, ya da, ya da….She skips to breakfast, and again, surprisingly doesn’t fall flat on her plain-I mean interesting face. Okay skip forward, so she’s driving to school, trying not to be the depressed persona she is going to be later on in the book, (OH SNAP. FORESHADOWING PEOPLE. READ IT AND WEEP. READ.IT.AND.WEEP.) But then…]

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ON SCHOOL PROPERTY

*

BELLA: *Thinks* Oh My Dazzling Pants…Edward is so HOT. Yes, yes, go me, I am the plainest-I mean most interesting girl in school and HAH I have nabbed the hottest guy in school. So suck on that you damn fan girls!

FANGIRLS: *Grumbling* Don’t worry…We’ll get you….When you least expect it…Or, ya know, we could like, just stick with the original plotline and like watch you become comatose…

BELLA: *Is confused but pulls into school parking lot anyways* *Slams truck door* *walks over to Alice*

ALICE: *Being her squirrel on speed self* OHMIGOSH! Happy BIRTHDAY Bella! One year closer to becoming old and wrinkly, aye?

BELLA: *Glare* Thanks Alice…Really. But anyways SHHHHHH!

ALICE: Why should I SHHHHHH!?

BELLA: Because… *Takes in a massive gulp full of air*EventhoughIamAplain-DammitImeantInterestingPerson, Istilldont’twantthegenrealpublictoknowitismybirthday.

ALICE: Okay, I’m a vampire and even I didn’t get that. *looks at readers*

READERSOFTHISPLAY: You think we understood any of it too!?

ALICE: Pshhh great help you guys are… So, Bella….Do you like totally want to open you’re presents now? ‘Cuz like, if you do it’ll kinda ruin the book….

BELLA: *In a fake voice* Oh…Noooooo Iiiiii don’t want any presentsssss…

ALICE: Bella why are you talking in parcel tongue?

BELLA: *Innocent Eyes* *One eye moves in the opposite direction*

ALICE: Moving on… ANYWAYS, did you like the presents you’re mum and Charlie gave you? *cough* which are 10 times less great than ours… *cough*

BELLA: Yes…I liked them…*shifty eyes* *walk over to Edikinz -*cough* I mean Edward…*

EDWARD: *Takes Bella’s hand* So am I still not allowed to wish you happy birthday then?

BELLA: Nope.

EDWARD: What the hell is wrong with you!? EVERYONE LIKES THEIR BIRTHDAY! Well anyone normal…

BELLA: Well I don’t…

EDWARD: Well there you go again…Messing up the cosmic balance of the world…And shit…

ALICE: Why do you not want it to be your birthday? Its gunna be SICK!

READERSOFTHISPLAY: Sick???

URBANDICTIONARY: In England, the term ‘sick’ means awesome, as in ‘This part is gunna be sick’ meaning ‘This party is going to be awesome’ or ‘This party is gunna be off the chain’

READERSOFTHISPLAY: Oooooooh…But why is there a talking Dictionary?

BELLA: *Confused* Yes, well, Alice…I just don’t want to get old…And wrinkly… *Fake doll voice* So that’s why I use CoverGirl Ivory foundation! Ever had those days when you just can’t be bothered? Well if you’re like me and have plain-I mean interestingly boring skin, that should be tanned but you joke that you’re mother is Albino you should chose CoverGirl cosmetics! Easy, Breezy, CoverGirl! *Fake smile to the nonexistent camera*

EVERYONE: *Silence*

CRICKETS: *Cricket*

TUMBLEWEED: *Tumbles*

ALICE: Yeah…So ‘bout that age…

EDWARD: Yeah…But it’s only by one tinsy little year…

ALICE: No you dimwit, that’s my line.

EDWARD: You try learning a whole book in one night!

ALICE: I did, Einstein.

BELLA: We don’t really seem to be getting anywhere with this damn play…

*They walk towards the school’s many buildings, or ya know, one building as it was in the Twilight movie*

[I agree with the plain one named Bella, okay so lets fast forward this a little kay? So…Bella doesn’t want anyone to know it’s her birthday. Alice, being the princess-type persona she is, insists upon Bella having a party at the Cullen’s house. Bella says no, Alice gets mean, Edward ignores Bella’s protests and says that they’ll be there at around 7pm. Ya da, ya da, ya da[have you guys noticed I say that A LOT], and then there’s like 3 pages of Bella trying to think of ways to get out of her party. I mean Jesus, who wouldn’t WANT a party with all those hotties standing around giving you presents, Pshhh ungrateful. They get to class, she notices that no one stares anymore; Mike is a wannabe Edward and alls right with the world. They get to lunch; Bella goes on about being on the outskirts and ostracism, wow, big word. And then finally school finishes, god that was the longest day of school I’ve ever read. Okay so….]

*

OUTSIDE BELLA’S DUSTY OLD TRUCK, DID I MENTION IT WAS DUSTY? AND OLD?

*

EDWARD: *Stepping into the driver’s seat*

BELLA: NU UH YOU DAMN HO, THIS IS MY BIRTHDAY. I DRIVE. *Does the hand thing*

EDWARD: What did you say? I was admiring my beauty in you’re dusty old car’s mirror. Did I mention dusty? And old?

BELLA: It’s. My. Birthday. I. Drive.

EDWARD: Psh fine, if you want to kill yourself going at 10 miles per hour, be my guest. *gets into passenger seat*

BELLA: *wonders how one might kill one’s self going at 10 miles per hour* *Get’s into driver’s seat*

FANGIRLS: Oh…We know a couple ways how….Muahahahahaha *Collective choke*

BELLA: *starts driving*

EDWARD: *Fiddles with Stereo*

BELLA: BITCH DON’T TOUCH MA STEREO.

EDWARD: Well it’s CRAPPY anyway!

BELLA: Humph. If you want a nice stereo, go drive you’re porche. *Drives to Charlie’s house*

CAR: *Is a Car*

BELLA: *Is a Bella*

EDWARD: *Is an Edward*

HOUSE: *Is a goddamned house, what where you expecting people? For it to be a Scarrryyyyyy house? Leave it to Spielberg people*

EDWARD: *Takes Bella’s face in his hands*

BELLA: EDWAIDHYOUERDUCLUBNHURTINGMEHHH!

EDWARD: What was that my sweet?

BELLA: *Turns Blue*

EDWARD: OH damn…Shit...*Lets go*

BELLA: THANKS.

EDWARD: So…*cough* shouldn’t you be in a good mood on you’re birthday?

BELLA: And what if I don’t want to be in a good mood? HUH?? HUH??? WHAT IF I WANT TO BE THE FREAKIN GRINCH??? HUH??? WHAT YER GUNNA DO ABOUT IT??? HUH? WELL?? WHAT ARE YOU-

EDWARD: *BITCH SLAP*

BELLA: Thanks…I needed that hard, Vampiric slap around the face.

SM: BACK TO THE SCRIPT PLEASE.

BELLA: *huff* Fine. Well, what if I don’t want to be in a good mood?

EDWARD: *Suddenly an evil genius* Too bad.

SM: *Warns* Edward…

EDWARD: What??? What??? I see no evil cackling…

SM: *glares* I’ll get you one of these days Edward…And you’re little dog too…

EDWARD: What? You mean Emmett? Look, JUST BECAUSE he was a LITTLE confused when he became a vampire DOSEN’T MEAN-

BELLA: CAN WE GET BACK TO ME PLEASE!?

EDWARD: *sigh* *Leans in*

BELLA: *Head spins*

EDWARD: What the sparkle? I haven’t even kissed you yet…

BELLA: Yeah I know, but I’m me remember? Isabella Swan? I swoon for almost everything you do? Did you forget?

EDWARD: Noo….Of course not…

BELLA: Just kiss meh, fo’

URBANDICTIONARY: Fo’ a term used by some which means ‘fool’, it is just a shortened version for those of us who have long since stopped using the ends of our words.

EDWARD: *Kisses*

BELLA: *Goes totally wacko on Edwards American arse*

FANGIRLS: *watching from the bushes like the stalkers we are* *LE GASP* She’s not even kissing him properly! *Start drawing plans on how to kill her*

EDWARD: Bella, be good please.

BELLA: No man can’t tell me what to do! WOMENS RIGHTS! WOMENS RIGHTS! WOMENS RIGHTS!

FANGIRLS: *HEADDESK* Bloody all things marvellous…She doesn’t even know how to treat our Edikinz properly…We will strike tonight girls! AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA *Crazy war chants*

READERSOFTHISPLAY: Kay then…Back to Edikinz and Bells…

BELLA: Do you ever think my heart will stop being such a diverpsaz and stop trying to break my ribs whenever you’re within a five mile radius of me?

EDWARD:*darkly* I hope not…

SM: NO EVIL GENIUS’!

EDWARD: I was JUST trying to spruce things up with a little malicious intent…

SM: We’ll get to that later you fool.

BELLA: *swings camera back to her?* Um…Isn’t everything supposed to be about me? Okay good. Now, let’s go watch some teen violence! Oooh… Leonardo Dicaprio…In his younger years…Yum.

EDWARD&BELLA: *Go inside to do naughty things…SYKE, their going inside to watch Romeo and Juliet…what a damn surprise. *

MOVIE: *starts playing*

EDWARD: Yo’! You see that dude Romeo? Yeah, I never liked him that much.BELLA: Just because he’s manlier than you…

EDWARD: WHAT WAS THAT YOU HO?Bella: Nothing, Nothing…But what’s wrong with Romeo? Apart from him being *cough* bigger than life?

EDWARD: Well, for starters, he’s a bit of a drip, being in love with Rosaline, making him oh so fickle.

BELLA: Fickle, big words for someone so small…

EDWARD: LISTEN! MY MOMMA SAID IT’S NOT THE SIZE THAT MATTER’S!

BELLA: Did she say that before or after you were 5 years old?

EDWARD: ANYWAYS, so yeah, he’s fickle, and then after he marries his ‘love’ Juliet, he kills her cousin, how is that love? So just because I love you Bella, I’m going to kill Charlie. Because that shows teen love.

BELLA: Edward, do you want to have a moment?

EDWARD: *sniff* No…

BELLA: Are you crying?

EDWARD: *Muffled crying* No…You’re crying…

BELLA: Do you want me to watch this alone?

EDWARD: No…I’ll just be watching you’re jugular – I mean…

BELLA: HUH!?!?!

EDWARD: Wh-What I meant was… I won’t be watching the film…Just you…

BELLA: Psh stalker.

EDWARD: Dude, are you gonna cry?

BELLA: Maybe…If I pay any attention…

EDWARD: I wont distract you then…

MOVIE: CAN YOU PAY ATTENTION TO ME PLEASE? I’M NOT AS YOUNG AS I USED TO BE.

BELLA: Sowie…

[Okay so lets fast forward the paragraph of her watching Romeo and Juliet, so basically she does cry, and Edward is whispering Romeo’s words in her ear, God, why couldn’t I have been born Isabella Swan and not me? But yes so anyways….]

EDWARD: So…You see Romeo? I like, totally envy him…Like…

BELLA: *shouts*WHY? YOU ARE OH SO HOT!

EDWARD: *Clutching his ears* Inside voice honey…Remember our agreement? Inside voices…

BELLA: *shouts* OKAY!

EDWARD: *HEADDESK* But yeah, I envy him because he can die, because like, ya know, all vampires want to DIE and give up all of their lovely possessions, and money and houses and…*goes on for 20 minutes*

BELLA: I GET IT EDWARD. JEEZ, WHY DON’T YOU JUST GO DAZZLE ME SUMMORE AND ALL WILL BE WELL WITH THE WORLD?

EDWARD: WHY DON’T YOU JUST GO JIZZ IN YOU’RE PANTS?!

AUTHOROFTHISPLAY: Ummm…I…I didn’t put that in there…

SM: I know…he he he he I did…

EVERYONE: *EYEROLL*

BELLA: SO ANYWAYS…Why do you envy him on his ability to commit suicide? You know you’re starting to sound a lot like an emo these days…

EDWARD: shush…No one is supposed to know my double life…By day Greek God, by night, xEdwardEnigmax.com MySpace me, babe. *Does the eye thing*

BELLA: Umm...What the hell is up with you’re eyes? It looks like it’s having some kind of spaz attack on its own…

EDWARD: Uh…nothing…anyways, my kind can’t kill ourselves that easily, but if we want to die then we go to the Volturi.

BELLA: What is a Vologuri?

EDWARD: No...No it’s Volturi.

BELLA: That’s what I said, Vloriteye.

EDWARD: No…you said Vloriteye…its Volturi…Say it with me now…Vol...

BELLA: Vlog…

EDWARD: Tur…

BELLA: Tog...

EDWARD: Ri…

BELLA: Pee…

EDWARD: Volturi.

BELLA: Vlotogpee.

EDWARD: *FACEPALM* Anyways, you go to the VOLTURI when you want to die, all you have to do is aggravate them…And then smoosh, you’re dead.

BELLA: Smoosh?

EDWARD: *Solemn* Smoosh.

BELLA: Wow…That was quite a piece of information *cough*that I’ll never need again…

EDWARD: I mean, it’s not as if I could just go on without you.

BELLA: Why not? You managed for over 108 years before you found me.

EDWRAD: Easier said that done. *Suddenly pulls himself up into a more appropriate position if ya know what I mean…No? You don’t? Oh jeez…Uuuhhh…Sorry…*

*Charlie walks in and totally ruins the moment*

CHARLIE: I got my eye on you Edward Cullen…*Does the hand to eye to pointing at Edward thing*

AUTHOROFTHISPLAY: What?? Don’t look at me like that, there are so many hand gestures in this world, they don’t always translate onto paper like they should.

CHARLIE: Bella, I’m not going to be a lazy piece of meat today so I’m going to make dinner for once, if I burn it, don’t worry I have the pizza place on speed dial.

BELLA: *wipes sweat off brow* Good, dinners set then.

[Okay everyone eats blah blah blah blah blahhh….Well everyone except Edward, he ate last night but damn do I wish it was me he was feeding off. Don’t even give me those looks; you know you wish it too.]

EDWARD: Charlie would It be possible for me to take Bella to her intending doom party at my house?

CHARLIE: I’m sorry…? Say WHAT!?!?

EDWARD: I said ‘Charlie would It be possible for me to take Bella to her impending party gazoom at my house?’

CHARLIE: Oh…Ummm..Yeah of course, there a game on tonight and as you saw in the movie, I like my basketball or football games…I forget…

BELLA: *SIGH* It’s getting worse…He can’t even remember-

CHARLIE: BELLA! I’M NOT GETTING OLD.

BELLA: His denial just gets worse everyday…

CHARLIE: JUST GO ALREADY! AND TELL ALICE I SAID HI!

EDWARD: CHARLIE! What was our agreement?

CHARLIE: Inside voices only…

EDWARD: Good. Now goodbye and goodnight, next time you see Bella she’ll be quite shaken up. Oh yes. I just did a bit of foreshadowing. Bring it people, bring it. *Walks to the car with Bella*

FANGIRLS: *Still in those damn bushes, man they have perseverance if not a slight case of ‘Stalkers Syndrome* Oh we’ll bring it eddy-kins…We’ll bring it…We’ll bring it all the way home…*Collective evil laugh* *Collective Choke*