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Esme's Eternity

Summary:
THE MOST FLUFFIEST RANDOM, SPASTICATED, PIECE OF...WRITING EVER! We have: Vampires, cat/bird hybrids, aliens, Doctor Who and ALOT of fluff. *** Adult Content*** Written by two crazy eccentrics YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED...


Notes:
"Ambanfgabluera!!!!!!!!!!!!" said a mysterious voice....


1. Perfectly Normal

Rating 5/5   Word Count 959   Review this Chapter

One day there was a very sudden explosion and a random big cat appeared in the middle of the forest. Bella was surprised. Obviously.

The big cat was too. Esme, however, was not – she had summoned it from another planet and therefore obviously knew of both its existence and its arrival on Earth.

The cat then proceeded to turn into a bird and fly away quickly. But not fast enough…for Edward, who had previously learnt to fly managed to catch up with it and capture the cat/bird before it could escape.

They call turned to Esme, demanding to know why the cat/bird was here. It did not take her long to explain her plans to take over the world, after all they were relatively simple. Now that her plan had been foiled, however, she was forced to go into hiding. So she found a nearby rock and lived there for the rest of eternity.

Meanwhile, Edward had brought the cat/bird down to Earth. During their flight, it had gone through the painful process of labour, in order to give its one true love (Edward) an egg. Little did it know that he wasn’t fond of eggs.

The strange but sweet smell of the bird/cat’s blood was to much for Emmet and he killed it which made Rosalie very mad, she had rather liked the bird/cat, and she pounded him into rubble.

After completing her pounding, Rosalie joined Edward, who was wearing black feathers in mourning of his dead love (he didn’t much like Bella anymore – she was too boring).

The private service was very moving and the vampire’s crying could be heard far and wide in the Land of random Sounds.

The egg then hatched into a very handsome boy- he was much more radiant than Edward- who also started to cry his eyes out. He then replaced them. He noticed soon after, however, that he had put back in THE WRONG EYES! He could barely see a thing with these silly catbird eyes….wait….catbird? what an honour! To see through the eyes of his dead mum/lover (INSEST) !

Edward then realised he was gay and deeply in love with the boy/cat/bird. Luckily, Bella had got over Edward and also realise that she was homosexual. Suddenly she had an urge to go find that rock that Esme was hiding under….

Rosalie, however, beat her to it and Esme and Rosalie lived happily ever after. Carlisle was not too distressed and decided he was kidding himself so he attacked the nearest human and went to live with the Volturi as one of their rulers. He learnt a great deal about the Volturi while he was there. For example, their place over in Europe was in fact just a brothel.

Suddenly Alice and jasper appeared; they had been abducted by aliens and were now, in fact controlled by Wanda and Jeb(who had become an alien through a very complicated and painful procedure) .

Alice picked up a small rock on the ground. “Oh.” She said, “That’s interesting.” She soon got bored of this information, however, when she spotted what Edward was doing to a small bird/boy/cat.

A small child started to scream somewhere. Bella decide she wanted a baby so she kidnapped it and turned it into an immortal child. It soon became clear, however that due to Bella’s lesbianism and her obvious perverseness, she was in love with the small vampire grill. She loved barbequing on her grill. It was all she ever did. Her baby began to feel neglected. So Bella cooked her.

Carlisle came to join the barbecue and the whole guard, who were very hungry joined him. They told Bella she would be pardoned from death if she never cooked again. But Bella loved cooking to much and she refused to submit herself to such a torture, she would rather die.

They attacked her. Suddenly though, Esme, Rosalie and the zombie/vampire Emmet came to her rescue. They all had a big fight, which actually turned into a hippy style festival.

Ciaus invited Esme, Rosalie and Bella to join the brothel in Italy. They obviously accepted, as it had been their existence long dream to sell themselves to Italian masochists.

Marcus realised how gorgeous Esme was and he asked her to become his wife. Esme said she was done with being anyone’s wife and would only be his sex slave (though she did add the condition of it not being an exclusive post, suggesting, perhaps, that Rosalie was an obvious choice?)

The Tardis appeared then and the doctor, Rose, Jack (Who had decide to change his name to: Ambanfgabluera) and Micky!!!!!!!!

Suddenly, Rose started to dance and the Doctor joined. Carlisle was entranced by the swaying of roses hips. He couldn’t resist her. he fell madly and immediately in deep deeeeepp deeeeeeepp love.

Rose decide he wasn’t too bad to look at so she agree to go out with him. But jack (now Ambanfgabluera) had also fallen in love: WITH CARLISE unfortunately Carlisle couldn’t stand him and (surprisingly, actually, wasn’t gay). He would much rather have Rose anyway.

The Doctor, however, had something to say about this and ended up in a huge fight (literal fight) with Carlisle. The information about their fight is classified, but I can tell you that the Doctor is now not merely a time lord.

The Vampire Time lord decided to visit the Voluturi but ended up side-tracked in the brothel.

Mickey murdered Martha.

Then the Judoon decide that earth was a strange, wrong and dangerous planet., So they dropped a very powerful bomb on it and destroyed everything, sadly including the doctor and the Tardis. And every single vampire and human.

And any other species of humanoid.

THE ENDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD