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How I Scored A Pound of Ganja in an Attempt to Get My Fiance the Perfect Wedding Present

Bella tries to get Edward a creative gift for their wedding, but things don't go as smoothly as she hopes. Just for laughs!


1. Chapter 1

Rating 5/5   Word Count 2048   Review this Chapter

I was spending time with Jessica and Lauren. I guess that was my first mistake. But Edward and the rest of the Cullens were hunting, and we'd just sent out our wedding invitations so I felt everyone I knew needed some type of explanation. Angela had promised to come along, thankfully.

I met all three of them at a sushi restaurant in Port Angeles. I was a few minutes late, as my truck was playing that game when it says that the gas tank is full until you smack the dashboard and then it shows that its almost empty. Edward would not hear about that game. I was keeping my damn truck.

They were already giggling when I arrived, but they stopped when they saw me. I had a distinct feeling that I had been the topic of conversation. Wonderful. Angela chose to acknowledge my presence first, "Hey, Bella." She looked sympathetic, as if she knew I was in for a rough meal.

"Hi," I mumbled. Lauren had fixed her eyes on me in that way she was so fond of. One wouldn't call it rude, explicitly. It was an odd combination of pretend calm mixed with confusion and bitterness--the non-verbal expression of, "I just don't get it. She isn't that pretty."

Jessica's expression was similar, if not with more confusion. Even Angela seemed a little wary. I understood. Edward's and my engagement was still surprising to me, let alone those on the outside. "Hey, Bella," Jessica tried a smile.

They were sitting at a table for four. Lauren and Jessica were on either side of Angela, so I sat across from her.

"We already ordered appetizers," Lauren said, looking down at her menu, "We weren't sure you were coming."

"Yeah, sorry," I looked to Angela. "My truck needed gas." She nodded, smiling.

Jessica shook her head, "I don't know how you drive that thing, Bella. It looks like it's ready to die."

"Are you driving it to Alaska?" Lauren raised an eyebrow at me.

"Uh, maybe," I felt uncomfortable talking about Alaska with them. I wasn't sure what was safe for them to know.

The table fell silent for a second. I was dying for one of them to bring up the wedding so that we could get it over with, but I wasn't sure if they were waiting for me to do it first. Or maybe they hadn't gotten their invitations yet. Maybe they didn't know. I put my hand over my ring and considered for a second to take it off, but then viciously decided against it. I hoped Alice hadn't seen that.

"Bella?" Angela's voice broke me out of my thought process. I looked up at her. "You want to see my menu? I know what I'm getting."

"Sure, yeah, thanks," I reached over to her to take her menu with my left hand. Second mistake.

"Oh, my God," Jessica nearly fainted, placing a hand on her chest with eyes wide.

"What?" Lauren suddenly seemed interested, perhaps there was some juicy gossip.

I had opened and begun to read the menu. Everything sounded made up. Spider Roll? Diamond Roll? Dragon Roll? What ever happened to chicken?

"Bella! Your ring!" Jessica was screeching. "Let me see it!" She grabbed my hand hard and pulled it towards her.

"Oh!" I let out as she inspected my hand. Lauren and Angela moved to look at it too. I examined my unpolished, dirt filled fingernails and wished they would give me back my hand.

"Oh my God," Lauren sounded more surprised than impressed.

"Bella, it's beautiful," Angela was in awe.

"Thanks," I blushed. Jessica let up on my hand, and I pulled it back quickly.

Lauren and Angela both sat back down. "Wow," Jessica shook her head.

"So, you're really, like, getting married?" Lauren narrowed her eyes at me, as if she expected me to break character any second and reveal some hidden cameras.

I shrugged, "I'm really getting married." I didn't shudder and made a mental note to tell Edward about it later. "Didn't you guys get your invitations?"

Angela shook her head, "Yeah. August 13th, right?"

I was about to nod, when Lauren put a hand up, "But you're really serious about that."

"Completely," I bit my lip. I had to, "Did you think it was a joke?"

Jessica wrinkled her nose a little, "Kind of. I mean, I know you and Edward were dating for a while, but...married?"

"Yeah," I tried for some laughter and honesty, "It took a bit of convincing."

Lauren seemed comforted by that, "You had to convince him."

Angela looked to her, a little shocked at her blatant joy at my perceived shortcoming. I let out a short, audible breath and smiled a little, determined not to let someone as forgettable as Lauren get under my skin. "Well," I smiled a little, "Not exactly."

Lauren snarled a little, but Angela intercepted the conversation, "That's so great, Bella. I mean, that you've found that guy so young. You'll have so much time to be together."

If you only knew. I grinned, "Thanks, Angela."

"Do you have your dress?" Jessica perked up. "I was watching E!, and they did a whole special on the fifty greatest wedding dresses ever created. Oh, my God. I loved Jessica Simpson's. It was stunning."

"Oh," I shrugged, "I have a dress."

"I saw that," Lauren pointed to Jess, "Did you see Sarah Michelle Gellar's? It was so classic and simple. Really elegant like that. Better than that ridiculous thing they had her wear for Buffy."

Jessica laughed. Angela and I just looked at each other with blank stares. I'd never seen Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which I guess was ironic, considering, but I'd never been a big fan of violence or gore. Clearly, though, the conversation had shifted from my imminent nuptials, and for that I was thrilled. "Well, it was Angel's fantasy. She wouldn't actually wear that."

"Still!" Lauren leaned forward, resting her head on her hands. "You're marrying this sexy, century years old vampire and you wear that tulle monster?! I don't think so. She needed something with some slink."

I perked up, "Wait. She marries a vampire? Isn't she a good guy?"

Lauren threw a snotty, "She's a girl," my way.

Jessica rolled her eyes, "She doesn't actually marry him; it's just a dream. And he's a good vampire. He has a soul."

I perked up more, "Seriously?"

"Yeah," Jessica nodded. "He doesn't kill people anymore."

"But he used to?" I was getting too excited, I knew. Angela was looking at me like I was going to leave her stranded on a desert island.

"Before he had a soul," Jessica explained, and Lauren sighed. "And a little while after that." She paused, before explaining further, "He thought that it wasn't so bad if he only killed people who were criminals."

Holy crow. "You don't say," I tried to sound disinterested.

"Do you know what you want, Bella?" Angela tried.

"Uhm, no," I looked back to the menu that I'd been neglecting. "Could I just get whatever you're getting. This is all Greek to me."

"It's Japanese," Lauren sneered.

"Sure, Bella," Angela nodded.

"Thanks," I smiled. Their appetizer arrived. It was green and looked slightly prickly. I decided to stay away.

A few minutes later we had ordered, and our food was there. Our waitress gave us a little demonstration on how to eat with chopsticks, but it looked far too graceful for me to even attempt. I settled on using my hands. The plate in front of me looked normal enough. It was salmon sushi. I had eaten salmon before, just never raw. Angela swore I would like it, though. They all began to dig into their dishes, expertly picking up their multi-colored raw fish with their chopsticks.

Cautiously, I placed a pink fish in my mouth and tried to determine the positives of it taste. It was alright. It was a little cold for me, and chewy, but the flavor was tolerable. I wouldn't want to live on it forever though. I would miss meat.

I thought of Edward. I knew it didn't really compare to what he had to go through everyday, but I would understand that perfectly in a short amount of time. I thought of what he was doing at that exact moment. Stalking some grazing deer? Sinking his teeth into a feisty mountain lion? That made me speak to Jessica again. Third mistake.

"What does he eat?" I spit out after swallowing my salmon.

She pursed her lips and looked at me. "Dennis Quaid?"

I furrowed my brow. Were they talking about Dennis Quaid? "No. That guy from the show. The..." my voice got habitually lower, "...the vampire?"

"Why?" Lauren sighed heavily.

"Well," I sighed, trying to form a logical explanation. "I mean, you said he doesn't kill people anymore, but he still needs blood to live, right?" They all looked at me, wondering why on earth I would still be thinking about this. "So, I assume they don't starve him, right? So what does he eat, er, drink? Is it animals?"

Jessica shrugged, "Yeah. Mostly pig's blood. Sometimes cow. Special occasions, otter." She smiled at Lauren, and they laughed at some inside joke.

"Pigs?" I repeated confused. "He hunts pigs?" I tried to get the image of Edward chasing a pig in my head. It was too funny to be close to reality.

Lauren scoffed, "He doesn't hunt them. He buys it."

My eyes grew wide before I could help it. "He buys blood?"

"Yeah," Jessica shrugged. "From butcher shops."

I thought about that for a second, "Seriously?"

"Well, its a television show, so no, not seriously," Lauren said.

Angela was looking at me with the same suspicious face that I had given to Edward the first few times we'd spoke. Okay, I know something weird is going on, because people do not act like this. I'm sure of it. But I could not care about that, "And they just let him buy it? They don't ask any questions?"

"I guess not," Jessica shrugged. "I mean, they're getting paid for stuff they were just going to throw out. I guess they figure it's for some weird religious ceremony or something."

"Huh," I nodded. That was it. Ever since Edward had given me his hand-me-down charm, which I had a sneaking suspicion was a real diamond, I had been looking to find him the perfect gift to reciprocate. It was an incredibly difficult job, as he had or could buy everything he could possibly want. But was it possible that he had not heard of this idea?

Granted, I did not know how realistic Buffy actually was. Would a butcher really sell me his leftover blood without questioning it? It was worth a try. Worst case scenario, he said that he wasn't offering that or called me crazy and told me to leave. That was okay. I just wouldn't give him my name. It wouldn't be traced to me. It wouldn't be traced to the Cullens. No Volturi needed.

And, oh, if it was true. They could have blood constantly. They wouldn't need to hunt nearly as frequently. They wouldn't need to go so long without it that their eyes turned black. They could even put it in a travel coffee cup and bring it to school. It would certainly make life safer for their classmates, and I was sure it would help Jasper wean himself off humans if he could take a sip of blood whenever the wind hit him the wrong way. It was perfect.

We finished up our meal and split the bill four ways, even though Jessica and Lauren's plates were much more expensive than Angela's and mine. I didn't care, though, because I was leaving the restaurant and heading straight to the nearest butcher shop I could find.

Fourth mistake.