We Are Broken
Even vampires aren't perfect. They make mistakes. As her anger evaporated, I nodded my head, "I'm sorry Bella." I started, "I wish you would let me explain..." I left my sentence hanging in the air. She began to shake her head violently, her breathing coming in short gasps again. This was the part I had feared the most. The part I knew was inevitable. The part I knew I deserved. I asked the question I wanted so badly to avoid, everything in my body seizing up, waiting for the inevitable, "Do you want me to...leave?" My voice broke on the last word, and my breathing became gasps as I awaited her answer.
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"I'm here for you" she said,
And we can stay for awhile.
My boyfriend's gone,
We can just pretend.
Lips that need no introduction.
Now who's the greater sin?
Your drab eyes seem to invite;
(Tell me darling)
Where do we begin?
-The Feel Good Drag by Anberlin
My existence has been a never changing one. Everything has stayed the same, aside from the change the years brought. Since I'd become a vampire nearly a century ago, I'd never really had one certain important thing besides my vampire family.
Alice and I were hunting now; yet again another consistency of my existence. We were running through the forest, looking for the scent of the next large animal soon to meet its demise. I let out a sigh. Oh well, it's just an animal, I thought to myself. Since my family and I had come back to Forks two years ago, my days still went on as they always had. Life was utterly boring. Despite the love my family had for me, I wasn't completely content; I had always felt that something was missing.
That is, at least, until I met Bella. My Bella. That sweet, innocent, loving, caring girl stole my heart the very moment I laid my eyes on her. I love Bella very much. I miss her a lot right now. I am always extremely anxious when I am away from her. It is twilight; I can see the stars fighting for a chance to be noticed through a small parting in the clouds. I wished fervently that Bella could share this moment with me, watching the scarcely seen stars that are lighting up the night sky.
Alice and I slowed to a stop when we caught the scent of a herd of deer up ahead of us. We followed their scent and it led us to a river. The deer were drinking thirstily from the stream. We both crouched down for the attack that would end their lives, and pounced at the same time. It only took a matter of minutes to suck the animal dry, and I was already so anxious to get back to Bella that I decided I was finished after only two.
Alice looked towards me with interest in her eyes - not that I needed to read her eyes, when I could read her mind - and wondered aloud, "What's on your mind?"
I looked up at her with playful mischief in my eyes. Of course, she would know what I had just planned; she was, after all, psychic. I jumped up as soon as I knew she was having a vision; that is when she would be most vulnerable. I ran towards her, picking her up in my arms and spinning her around in circles. She was laughing her musical laugh. "Put me down!" she managed through a giggle. I was laughing with her. Aside from Bella, Alice, my 'supposed sister', was my best friend. I hugged her then set her down on her feet.
"Happy now?" I asked smirking. She narrowed her eyes and turned on her heels to walk away. Is she angry at me? I couldn't read it on her mind...
"Ah, come on Alice," I started after her, "I was only kid-" Out of nowhere - she must have made the decision quickly, because I didn't get the chance to read it on her thoughts until it was too late - she turned on me, a huge grin on her face, and pounced. We were falling to the forest floor. She landed on top of me.
When we were completely still, I looked into her face, a small smile playing around the corners of my lips, my eyebrows raised. Her returning smile was smug, as if she'd just won an arm wrestling contest against Emmett, then, at that moment, everything changed. Her face grew serious, almost intent; passionate. I was becoming uncomfortable, and started to move out from underneath her when I heard her thoughts and came to an abrupt halt.
My face grew serious then, and I started to protest against what I heard on her mind, "Alice, I don't think-" She didn't allow me to finish my protest. Her lips were on mine, kissing me fiercely. My whole body froze up. I was completely immobile. For the first time since I'd become a vampire, I had no idea what was going on around me. My mind was completely blank. The only thing my thoughts could conjure up was Bella's face, then the question that I could make no sense of.
What am I doing?! Those two images kept replaying in my mind. Then after a long moment, I realized there was a body on top of me, lips on mine, and hands in my hair. The only person I had ever gotten this intimate with was my Bella. When did I go to Bella's? Instictively, I raised my hands up to her waist, placing them on her hips firmly and rolling her over so I was on top of her. Pulling her close to me, I continued to kiss her feverishly. My lips went from her lips, across her jaw line, down her throat, and across her collar bone; my hands, still at her waist, moving up the side of her body forcefully; determined.
I heard her sigh my name, and I was abruptly pulled back into reality. I pulled my body up, my eyes taking in the body of the girl that lay beneath me. I saw my hands, one on her hip, the other grasping her side just under her breast. I saw myself on top of her, pinning her under my weight. What disturbed me was that I didn't recognize the body under mine as Bella's body, so when I hesitantly looked up at the girls face, I was instantly taken aback.
I felt a wave of nausea - which isn't possible for a vampire - when I looked into Alice's golden eyes staring back at me. Immediately I threw myself off of her and as far away from her as I possibly could.
"Oh my god, Alice!" I hissed through clenched teeth. My hands become fists at my sides. I looked up into her bewildered face as she too climbed to her feet. I'm so sorry, Edward. She thinks; a crease in her brows becoming extremely prominent on her face. I was thinking, she continued with her thoughts, I'm so sorry, I just always wondered why is was that Bella reacted the way she always does when she kisses you, like there is this extreme electric bond...I mean she forgets to breathe every time you kiss her...I was just curious. I'm so sorry!
I marvel at the thought of what my lips can do to Bella when they press themselves onto her soft skin...and then I'm drawn back to this sick, cruel reality, and I wish desperately for Bella to be at my side right now. "I'm so sorry, Edward." Alice concludes, "I didn't expect you to respond...What was that about anyways?" I felt cornered. What have I done? But I wasn't thinking clearly. I just wanted my Bella. I tried to reason with myself. Oh, Bella. I have to tell her. But how will she ever forgive me? I feel my throat closing in on me as I back away more, furthering the distance between Alice and I.
"Edward...are you all right?" I hear Alice's voice faintly, the conflict inside of me raging on. I have to tell Bella, but what will I say? What if she leaves me? Doesn't forgive me? I will deserve it. But I need her. What have I done?! Bella deserves so much more. So much better. Carlisle. I need to speak with my father.
"Edward?" was the last thing I heard out of Alice before I found myself running away from her, into the forest and back to our home. This is not something I ever thought myself capable of. My self-discipline is too well managed to make a slip up this consequential. Carlisle will know what to do. He is so compassionate and intelligent.
How could I hurt Bella like this? When all she has given me was...well, everything I'd ever hoped for and so much more. She has given me hope. Awakened the life in me that stayed dormant for so long. She had made me whole, loved me unconditionally, and I am unfaithful to her. My poor fragile sweet Bella. How can I tell her what I have done? How will she ever forgive me? I don't deserve to be forgiven. I don't think I could be more disgusted with myself. Bella should hate me.
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- 25 Apr 09
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