We Are Broken
Even vampires aren't perfect. They make mistakes. As her anger evaporated, I nodded my head, "I'm sorry Bella." I started, "I wish you would let me explain..." I left my sentence hanging in the air. She began to shake her head violently, her breathing coming in short gasps again. This was the part I had feared the most. The part I knew was inevitable. The part I knew I deserved. I asked the question I wanted so badly to avoid, everything in my body seizing up, waiting for the inevitable, "Do you want me to...leave?" My voice broke on the last word, and my breathing became gasps as I awaited her answer.
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My mind's made up.
And I would know
I'd do the right thing.
Get up and stand tall!
My mind's made up.
Why am I scared?
I won't be able,
To get up when I fall.
-Broken Stars by Silverstein
I hadn't realized I had run so far so fast until I came upon my house. Nearly running right into it, I came to a dead stop, and found myself gasping for air. Air is not a necessity for me; however, as I come nearer to a confession, I feel nothing but pain, fear, and self-loathing. I feel pain because of how much pain I know my idiocy and horrible actions will cause my Bella. I feel fear because I am utterly afraid that Bella won't forgive me and I will end up losing her. I feel self-loathing because of the disgust that I have for myself at what I had done to my Bella. I still do not grasp how in the world I could have done that.
I already feel like I'm losing my hold on any kind of future I may have with Bella. I need to act fast if I have any chance left at all. Not that I deserve any chance. I would completely understand if she didn't want me anymore, and though it would hurt more then being ripped to shreds and burned upon a pyre, I would follow through with her wishes. I would stay in Forks. I know if I asked my family to leave with me, they would without a seconds hesitation, but I would choose to stay because even if Bella does not want me any longer, I'll still always want her, and being near her, able to see her everyday is a much easier thing for me to deal with, even if we aren't together. Although, if Bella asked me to leave, I'd follow through with those wishes as well, if only for her sake.
Please Bella, my Bella, please forgive me for what I have done. Please forgive me for hurting you. Please Bella, please forgive me.
I straightened my back, cleared my face of any emotion, and walked through my front door. Rosalie and Emmett were sitting on the couch wrapped up in each other staring at the TV screen. In a hurry, I rushed up the stairs and burst through the door to Carlisle's office without a pause. Carlisle looked up from the book in his hands, and took in my expression. Setting the book aside, worry creasing his brows, he asks, "Edward? Is something the matter son?"
As he asked that question, I lost my grip on holding myself together. I clutched my chest, gasping for air again. Unable to hide the emotions on my face any longer, and unable to support my weight, my legs give out from underneath me and I fall to my knees, once again crying the tears I can never shed. Dear God!Edward! Carlisle thought, running to my side instantly. He placed a hand on my shoulder and led me to the couch. "Edward! Son what's wrong? Did something happen to Bella?"
Wrong question. I sobbed harder, showing weakness I'd never ever shown before. Not in my human life, and certainly not in my vampire life. Oh my...Carlisle thinks, frantic. He never thought I would ever show up in his office weeping before. "Esme!" Carlisle calls, and a moment later Esme entered Carlisle's office, unaware of what she would find. A look of complete horror crossed her face as she saw me on Carlisle's couch, trembling and sobbing. "Edward!" Esme cried, and ran to my side to soothe me.
Nothing can soothe me now though. Nothing besides my Bella, and so very soon, she will be the one needing to be soothed.
After Esme cried my name, everyone in my family - aside from Alice - rushed up the stairs and into Carlisle's office to see what was wrong. As they enter I hear three separate gasps occur in unison as they took in my crippled form on the couch. "Alice..." Jasper hesitated to ask, thinking something had happened to her. I shook my head and managed a "No, she is fine."
"Then what's wrong Edward?" Everyone asked in unison. I hear another gasp escape Esme's lips, "Bella?!" she cries. Again, wrong question. That sets me into another fit of sobs. I barely pay any attention to Carlisle sending everyone out of the room aside from himself and Esme, saying that we could all talk about it later if I felt up to it but that nobody should see me like this. I was grateful for that.
"Edward, my son, please," Esme started, cupping my face in her thin hand, "you need to tell us what happened." My mothers touch does manage to calm me down enough to speak. I take a deep breath and then another in a further attempt fo calm myself down. "Bella..." I started, and realized that this would be harder then I thought. "Bella is fine.." I said, my voice shaking. "For now." I added in a mumble. Of course my parents would catch that.
"For now?" They asked together. Edward what's going on? What is this about? Carlisle thought. His thoughts, and Esme's as well, are full of worry. I looked up into their faces and let out an audible sigh. "Alice and I...we were out hunting." I suddenly wasn't sure I wanted to admit to this after all, but I needed Carlisle's advice, and I needed it fast. "I don't know what happened. We were just playing around like we always do. I thought she was mad at me for playing a joke on her, she's rather good at hiding her thoughts, but then she jumped on me. I remember thinking about Bella...and then nothing." The words came out in a rush this time. I was growing desperate.
My mother and father exchanged a look. They were confused. "Son, we don't understand..." Carlisle prompted. I took another deep breath. This is it. This is my confession. I nodded my head and spoke the words, "When I opened my eyes...I was on top of Alice, which caught me off guard because I could have sworn she had jumped on me, but...I realized that we..." I looked up into their eyes again. All I saw was concern. All I heard in their thoughts was concern. I looked down at my hands and forced myself to continue. "I realized that we had just been...been kissing and...and touching. I don't even know what happened." I looked up again at the shock on my parents faces and looked away quickly. "As soon as I realized what happened, I got up and ran away..." I finished in a small voice.
"Oh, Edward!" Esme pulled me into an embrace, and I couldn't help but to sob again. I felt so weak and pathetic. "I didn't mean to. I don't know what happened. I didn't mean to." I managed between sobs. I could feel Esme rocking us back and forth, and I was surprised to find that it did calm my nerves a bit. "Shh." she whispered to me, "It will be ok."
I broke away from her embrace and laid my hands on her shoulders. "No! It's not ok." I said, hysterical, "I have to tell Bella. I have to tell Bella!" Esme let out a small whimper and embraced me again. Seeing me like this hurt her. "Oh my son." she cried. I, too, was crying again. "This is going to hurt her so much." I choked out in a whisper. Carlisle sat down next to me then, placing a hand on one of my shoulders and one on Esme's. His thoughts were concerned for Esme and I, but mostly for Bella. He didn't know how this would affect her, and that worried him quite a bit. He imagined her in her room crying for days upon days. I blocked out that thought instantly. That is exactly what I didn't want to happen. Carlisle's thoughts became reprimanding after that, lashing out at me. I deserved it.
"Edward, why did you do this? What were you thinking?" Carlisle asked in a calm voice. "Carlisle, I...I don't even know how it happened." I began, "One minute she's pouncing on me, the she get's this weird look in her eyes..." My voice trailed off as I began to remember. "Yes?" Carlisle's prompted. Esme had let go of me and was now sitting on my other side so that she could pay attention in a more convenient way. They were both still completely concerned for me, which is far more then I deserved.
"She looked at me strange. I'd never seen her so serious before. Then...then I heard her thoughts..." I said shaking my head slowly. I looked into my fathers eyes, and the rest came out in a rush. "She wanted to kiss me?" I asked myself, incredulous. I couldn't understand that. "She was thinking she wanted to kiss me." I said, standing up off the couch and turning to face my parents. They both stayed where they were. "Yes, I remember. I started to protest but before I could get a full sentence out, she was kissing me. After that it was like nothing. I just remember wondering what was going on. Then I kept seeing Bella in my mind and thinking I can feel the intimacy right now. I couldn't remember when I had gone to Bella's but I knew she was the only one I'd ever been intimate with before, and...that's when I rolled on top of Alice..." By then I was pacing the length of Carlisle's office, and speaking mostly to myself.
"That has to be it." I stopped to look at my parents. They seemed to be keeping up with my rant. "I must have been thinking that it was Bella I was kissing, which is why I even let it continue to happen." Carlisle cocked his head to one side a fraction of an inch and furrowed his brows. I wonder...Carlisle thought. "What do you think Carlisle?" I asked, impatient.
"Edward, you know I can't know for sure, but I won't say it isn't possible." Carlisle answered my question with a thoughtful expression on his face. "If that is how it happened son, then the only explanation I can come up with is that you acted as a human would have in an unpleasant or upsetting situation. You tried to block it out of your memory, but with you being a vampire...you probably weren't able to completely suppress the memory for very long." Carlisle stood up as well, as he usually did when faced with a new probability in medical science. "Yes, that could very well make sense..." Carlisle said thoughtfully. His thoughts were already beginning to fill up with ways he could experiment on the probability. He turned to me then, and said, "Son, you need to tell Bella. You don't need me to tell you that for you to know that it is the right thing to do."
I nodded. "Thank you mom," I said lookin at Esme, then turning to look at Carlisle, "Dad. Thank you both for listening." I turned to walk away again, to find some way to gain enough courage to tell Bella what I had done, when Carlisle's thoughts stopped me in my tracks. Edward...what about Jasper? He would have heard our conversation, but he still deserves the common courtesy...Carlisle thought. Without turning back to face him, I nodded again, and strode out of the office.
Jasper. Poor Jasper. In all of my emotional chaos, I never thought to include Jasper in my confession. Although, that was probably for the best. Alice should tell him; it is her right. He should hear it from her. I should see if he is all right though. Shouldn't I? "Emmett...have you seen Jasper?" I asked, bouncing off the bottom step into the living area where Emmett and Rosalie were sitting in front of the TV again.
Emmett looked up at me with sadness highlighting his features and shook his head slowly. "Sorry." he offered. Last I seen him, he ran out of the front door, angry as all get out. That was right after you confessed to kissing...he cut his thoughts short when he actually realized what he'd been thinking and looked away from me quickly. Sorry... That was all I got out of him after that.
I inhaled deeply blinked and headed for the front door myself. Where would Jasper have gone? He probably went to find Alice. My emotions are really messing with my senses today. I didn't even hear Jasper....in fact, I didn't hear anyone besides Esme and Carlisle since I've been home. Yes, emotions definitely screw with my ability. I need to get a handle on myself. Bella shouldn't see my this way, and that is where I'm heading. Get it together, Edward. Do it for Bella. You owe her at least that much.
I walked out of my front door, jumped off the porch and bolted through the woods towards my Bella.
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