We Are Broken
Even vampires aren't perfect. They make mistakes. As her anger evaporated, I nodded my head, "I'm sorry Bella." I started, "I wish you would let me explain..." I left my sentence hanging in the air. She began to shake her head violently, her breathing coming in short gasps again. This was the part I had feared the most. The part I knew was inevitable. The part I knew I deserved. I asked the question I wanted so badly to avoid, everything in my body seizing up, waiting for the inevitable, "Do you want me to...leave?" My voice broke on the last word, and my breathing became gasps as I awaited her answer.
3. The Worst Kind of Monster
Rating 5/5 Word Count 3590 Review this Chapter
My hands shake cause today,
I know you're gonna break my heart and,
My life without you in it,
Is a life thats not worth living.
I'll be strong but i wish i was someone else,
Anyone but me tonight.
-Here I Stand by Madina Lake
As I ran to where Bella is, I attempted to try to find the words that I would tell her to let her know of my extremely short, yet highly regretted affair. My stomach became tight knots of fear as I drew ever closer to her. Would she even be awake? I pray to whatever God there may be that you are asleep Bella. Then, at least, I will have one more night with you before you walk out of my life forever. Or...would she be awake and waiting patiently for me to climb through her window and hold her in my arms? Why wouldn't it be the latter of the two? She is always waiting up for me...of course she will be awake when I get there. Well, I could still hope at least...
I squash that hope immediately. I know how the story goes. She will be waiting up for me, waiting patiently, with her arms wide open, inviting me in, promising me all of her love, promising me her soul, promising me forever. And here I am, climbing through her window to those wide open arms of hers, only to be the bearer of bad news. This is going to be heart-breakingly difficult. I can feel the searing pain of her abandonment in my heart; my head, already. As if you wouldn't completely and justifiably deserve every single bit of abandonment and pain she will throw at you, Edward, you ignorant monster!
This was never on my list of gifts to give my Bella, and if by some extremely unlikely chance that any God has decided to grant the wish of an unspoken prayer, an unspoken need of an undeserving monster, and Bella decides she will forgive me for the horrible thing I've done, this never will be on my list of gifts to give my Bella. She is my reason for everything. Literally everything. She is my reason for living, for loving, for laughing, smiling, enjoying every second of every day, she is my reason fo happiness and light, my reason for being, and, if I needed to, she would even be my reason for breathing. She has given me so much happiness. No matter what happens Bella, I will always be standing off to the side, just out of view, watching and waiting for you to want me, to love me again. Always. Bella is my life now.
I remembered one of the many nights I tried to explain my love to Bella; to describe the explosion of feelings she had so unknowingly set off inside of me.
We were sitting beside one another, gazing into each others' eyes; I searching her soul, her spirit, for whatever she might be thinking; she , I assumed, searching for the truth behind my words, or perhaps she is searching for the same motives as I. I can't, unfortunately, be positive. I smiled the crooked smile that she adored so much, and I took her face in my palms, gently pulling her lips to mine. Upon releasing her beautiful, delicate face, I confess to her in the most soothing, tender voice I can muster, "Before you, Bella, my life was an endless night, very dark, but there were stars - points of light and reason...and then you shot across my life like a meteor."
Never taking my eyes off of her, I watch her eyes lighten up with intensely smoldering love as I say those words. I smile again as I watch her whole face brighten up with complete satisfaction and contentment. She is so beautiful; always so vibrant and full of life. She glows. Completely content as well, I continue, "Suddenly everything was on fire. There was brilliancy; there was beauty." I pause as I watch my words sink in, each second with growing satisfaction. "Bella, look after my heart...I've left it with you."
Of course I remember that particular conversation with the perfect clarity that becoming a vampire gifts you with. I meant every single word that I said to her that most unforgettable day, and to this very day, short as they may have been, I still mean every word of it, and I mean them to my very core.
As my short run came nearer to an end, I cut through a meadow close to Bella's house and caught a familiar smell permeating the air around me. I immediately recognized Jasper's scent lingering in the meadow and I found myself suddenly extremely curious as to where his scent led. Why was he so close to Bella's house? Was Alice here? I sniffed the air around me for my Alice's scent, and found no trace of it. I quickened my pace and ran the rest of the way to Bella's house. Jasper's scent lingered along one path, which I followed straight to Bella's front yard.
My run as well as my thoughts came to an abrupt halt when I looked up into Bella's bedroom window and saw the lights were out, but what worried me most was that for the first time since Bella and I confessed our love to each other, her window was shut tightly. I hoped it wasn't locked. It wouldn't stop me from entering her house anyways, but if her window were locked, then that would mean she definitely did not want me here. Why would she close her window though? I know Jasper heard my confession, but would he go to such extreme's? If he hurt her I swear to whatever God there is...
My hands clenched into tight fists and I had to force myself to breathe deeply several times before I was calm enough to move. Jasper wouldn't do that...Would he? Now anxious and paranoid, I quickly scaled the side of Bella's house and opened her window; which was, thankfully, unlocked. I sighed at the calm that washed over me, then reality hit me in the face with a cold hard metaphorical smack. Expecting the worst possible scenario, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes tightly, only opening them when I was completely inside Bella's bedroom.
My eyes scanned her room completely before finally resting on her sleeping form in her bed. I let out a sigh of relief and quickly crossed the room as the need to be next to her increased insanely. I started to reach out to touch her face and trace her lips with my fingertips but stopped myself when Alice's face obstructed my vision. I pulled my hand back to my side quickly and studied Bella's face, pushing aside the vision of Alice's. I suddenly felt significantly guilty for even having such nerve to climb through her window and into her room, let alone touch her.
As I studied her face, I took every detail into consideration. She didn't look upset, however, as I looked closer, it looked like she had the remnants of dried tears on her rose colored cheeks. Had she been crying? I glanced around the room again, finally realizing the I hadn't taken a breath since I'd entered the room. I instinctively inhaled deeply, tensing every muscle in my body as I did so. The air was saturated with Jasper's scent. He told her! Or... I turned my head to face Bella quickly and listened to her heart beating. I knew Jasper well enough, but I didn't trust his self-control completely, and I didn't trust anyone besides myself with Bella's life.
Studying her entire body as well as I could manage without waking her, I noted she was physically perfect, and took a seat in the rocking chair I used to occupy every night I watched her sleeping before she confessed that she knew was I was.
She is such a beautiful creature. How could she ever want me? Why had she ever said yes to me? I'm so lucky and happy with Bella and I go and mess everything up. How will she ever forgive my betrayal? I really hope she can forgive me. I need her.
I watched Bella's sleeping grow uncomfortably restless and wondered what she was dreaming about. She always slept so soundly when I was lying next to her. Maybe I should lie down next to her... I cut that thought short, knowing I no longer had the right to lay with my - No, not my, not anymore - Bella. "Edward..." I heard Bella mumble. I knew all too well that she was only talking in her sleep. So she is dreaming of me. I grinned, completely ecstatic that she was dreaming of me at all. But she is so restless...maybe it's a nightmare. My mood turned sour almost immediately. "Edward." She repeated, tangling herself in her bed sheets, "How could you..." She continued and my breath caught in my throat. "Why?" She asked, still asleep.
If my dead heart still beat, it would be thundering in my chest right now. Jasper must have told her. So what do I do now? I should go after Jasper and teach him a lesson on respect! I took a deep breath. I was letting my anger get the best of me, and I needed to focus on Bella right now. No, this isn't his fault. I brought this on myself. I shouldn't be angry with Jasper. Bella has every right to know, and Jasper was only protecting her. He only told her what she deserved to know. I knew, even if in a loose sense of the word, that Jasper had been protecting her.
Protecting her from me. I braced myself against the thoughts exploding in my head now. Maybe this was better for her. Maybe she will leave after all and live a happy life as a human with a normal human husband and have beautiful children with dark brown hair and chocolate brown eyes. She could have a life that she could never have with me. I didn't exactly enjoy the thought, no I despised the thought, that Bella would ever be in the arms of another man. Or that Bella would ever love another man. Or that Bella would ever kiss another man. Worst of all, it killed me to think of Bella ever laying with a man who wasn't me.
I immediately squashed those thoughts. She deserves exactly that, Edward! Especially after what you've done to her. You have no right to be jealous or angry or anything else. A sob escaped my lips before I had a chance to choke it back and in the one small show of emotion, I felt myself begin to sink into oblivion, where darkness and fear are my only companions. Fear is the mind killer, I told myself. For so long I had feared nothing and no one. It seemed completely ironic to finally feel fear after so long, and because of some little human.
No, that is an understatement. Bella is so much more then that. She is the most amazing, pure, good, kind-hearted, caring person I've ever met. And now your going to lose her, you idiot!The pain of reality increased and my crying grew an octave, coming so quickly that I had to gasp to catch the breath I didn't need. I cradled my head in my hands willing myself to calm down. My emotions had other ideas for me though and took complete control of my body. Instead of regaining my composure, I caught a whiff of Bella's freesia scent as my body shook in her chair, and I was sent into another fit of sobs.
How I was going to miss being so close to her. Maybe I could be, at night while she is sleeping...No. I have to respect her. God I am an emotional wreck!
I tried to quiet my sobs as I watched Bella move, so as not to wake her. Slowly she turned over in her bed so that she was facing me. Her whole body visibly tensed and her breathing was cut short as her eyes set on the pained expression on my face. Good job, Edward, you woke her up. Oh no! She will know something is wrong. I will have to explain myself right now. I won't be able to watch her sleep again. She is going to hate me. Oh God, I hope she doesn't cry. I'm not worth any of her tears. She is going to hate me. I can't do this! Should I lie to her, just for tonight? I was starting to completely lose it. I may have been partially composed on the outside, but in my mind, I was fighting on a battlefront.
I suddenly felt extremely nauseas again, as I watched her sit up. I choked back the sob that had just risen in my throat and tried to focus on my Bella. It was harder to focus on her knowing what I did; knowing I have to tell her; knowing how badly it would hurt her. She looked confused as she stared at me. I assumed she was wondering why I was sitting across the room from her in the rocking chair and not lying next to her warm, wonderful body in her bed. Then, as if she had gotten a silent explanation to ease her confusion, a sudden flash of pain crossed her face only to disappear as quickly as it had come.
"Edward?" She asked, getting up and crossing the length of space between us, despair lightly tracing her voice. She stopped in front of me and kneeled on the floor taking my hands gently - as if she could hurt me - in her and looked up into my face. I took a deep breath and pried my eyes off of the picture of us on her nightstand to stare back at her. "Edward? Edward are you okay?!" Worry creased her forehead as she said those words and I could hear her heartbeat quicken. How I wished I could hear her thoughts.
I could not believe what was happening. I cheated on her and she is comforting me?! This is so wrong. Beyond wrong. She deserves so much better, and I am so selfish that I just took her for myself. I am the worst kind of monster. As I looked into Bella's eyes I saw the emotions she was trying desperately to conceal. I saw them, and I saw them almost perfectly. My Bella was in pain, and she was also extremely concerned for me. Is she upset because she is worried about me? Or does she know what I came here to tell her? The illogical part of me hoped, and prayed, it wasn't the latter.
I knew Jasper had been here, I could smell him all over the room, and its unbelievably fresh, but would he take away my right to tell Bella of my mishaps? As the seconds drew on without my response to her question, I noticed her worry crease deepen, her eyes grew wider and her breathing come to a halt. "Edward!" She breathed, using up the last of her air supply. I waited for her to take another breath, but she didn't, so I finally spoke.
"I'm okay my...my love." I told her, choking back, yet again, another sob. I heard her gasp as she recognized the anxiety and pain in my voice. She brought herself to her feet quickly and threw herself into my arms, wrapping her arms around my neck and embraced me as tightly as she could. Her body felt impossibly amazing against mine. The heat of her body and the excruciatingly sweet freesia scent of her blood radiated off of her filling my mouth with venom and setting my throat ablaze with thirst. I ignored the ache in my throat and swallowed the venom, greatful for this moment with her.
I suddenly realized how much I truly loved the burning in my throat when it was associated with Bella's scent. I bit my lip to hold in another inevitable sob, and allowed myself to wrap my arms around Bella's fragile body. There is no way I am going to be able to get through this. I know what is coming, I just hope Bella is prepared. Of course she won't be. How could she be prepared for something like this? How will she ever trust me again?
As I mentally prepared myself for this all too sudden inconvenience, I noticed Bella stiffen in my arms. "Bella, love, really I'm fine." I attempted to reassure her. She broke out of my embrace, releasing hers in the same motion, and looked me directly in the eyes. The pain that crossed her face made my dead heart ache. Why are you so upset my love? I watched her blink back the traitor tears that wanted so badly to expose her. Looking away from me quickly, she pulled herself off of me and walked back to her bed, positioning herself at the edge of her mattress.
I wished horribly that she had stayed next to me. I had no idea how this would turn out, and the one person who does know, is the one who caused this whole mess to begin with. Why, Alice?! I took a few deep breaths to calm my nerves and attempted a conversation. "Bella, I-"
"Don't." She pleaded. "I don't want any excuses Edward...I don't want to hear anything." She confessed in a barely audible whisper, even for me. She was staring down at the floor, avoiding any kind of contact with me. I needed to explain myself. "Bella, please. Let me explain." I begged. "Edward..." she began, glancing in my direction for half a second then back at the floor, "I assume you came here to tell me what happened between you and...and Alice" her voice shook and broke.
"Edward" She continued, a new strength in her voice, though it was still a whisper, "I don't want to hear it...please, don't put me through that." Her words caught in her throat. I wanted, more then anything, to go to her and hold her in my arms; to take all of her pain away, but I couldn't because I was the cause of her pain. I felt completely useless. "Bella-"
"Edward, how could you?" She finally brought her eyes to mine and bored into them so fiercely I thought that she could set me on fire with her mind if that were her intention. I blinked, coming out of my reverie. Her question had definitely caught me off guard. "Bella, I-I'm so sorry. I'm so ashamed. I didn't-I-I..." I had become incoherent, even to myself. My thoughts became jumbled and I started to tremble.
Bella's breathing became jagged as she watched me. She was gasping now, choking back the sobs that she'd tried to conceal from me, but she lost control and tears began to stream down her face. She looked away from me and chased her tears with her hand, wiping them away. I betrayed her. Her emotions betrayed her. She doesn't deserve this.
"Edward, why?" she choked out through her tears and sobs. She fell off of her bed and to her knees, wrapping one arm around her stomach and bringing the other up to hide her face. I couldn't help myself this time. I had no control over my body as I jumped off of the chair and began to lift Bella in my arms. "No!" She yelled pushing me away from her and crawling to a corner. She pulled her knees up to her chin, wrapped her arms around them, and hid her face in her hair. "Don't touch me." She finally finished through another sob, quieter this time.
As her anger evaporated, I nodded my head, "I'm sorry Bella." I started, "I wish you would let me explain..." I left my sentence hanging in the air. She began to shake her head violently, her breathing coming in short gasps again. This was the part I had feared the most. The part I knew was inevitable. The part I knew I deserved. I asked the question I wanted so badly to avoid, everything in my body seizing up, waiting for the inevitable, "Do you want me to...leave?" My voice broke on the last word, and my breathing became gasps as I awaited her answer.
She looked up at me, her bottom lip quivering. Tears ran down her cheeks like a leaky faucet and she too gasped for air. The pain she was feeling showed on her face without containment. I sighed heavily and, like the coward I am, looked away from the pain I had caused her. She, too, sighed, even heavier then I had, and in the weakest, raspiest voice I'd ever heard in my existence, she said the one word that I didn't want to hear. "Yes." And right there in her bedroom, I fell into oblivion.
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