We Are Broken
Even vampires aren't perfect. They make mistakes. As her anger evaporated, I nodded my head, "I'm sorry Bella." I started, "I wish you would let me explain..." I left my sentence hanging in the air. She began to shake her head violently, her breathing coming in short gasps again. This was the part I had feared the most. The part I knew was inevitable. The part I knew I deserved. I asked the question I wanted so badly to avoid, everything in my body seizing up, waiting for the inevitable, "Do you want me to...leave?" My voice broke on the last word, and my breathing became gasps as I awaited her answer.
7. The Things You Do To Me
Rating 0/5 Word Count 3058 Review this Chapter
After all these images of pain,
Have cut right through you.
I will kiss every scar and weep;
You are not alone.
Then I'll show you that place,
in my chest where my heart,
still tries to beat;
It still tries to beat.
-Lip Gloss & Black by Atreyu
Pure ecstasy. That was all I could think as I watched Bella sleeping. It was a feeling that overwhelmed me so wholly. It had felt like so long since I'd seen her. I sat in her rocking chair, watching her. She was so beautiful. I wanted nothing more then for her to be in my arms, where I could kiss her forehead, and trace her lips with my finger, and stare into her warm brown eyes. I loved her so entirely, that it screamed from inside of me. Unfortunately, I didn't get to enjoy my time with Bella for long. Once Bella was asleep, my emotions became more prominent to Jasper, and he immediately came rushing up to Bella's room to rein hell upon who ever dared intrude.
It was a relief for him to find only me there. "Edward, what are you doing?" he asked quietly so as not to wake Bella. He didn't want to send me away, but we were both aware - me painfully so - that if Bella awoke to find me there, she would be highly upset and rain hell upon the both of us. So I left, but not before stealing a kiss from her. I was gently so she didn't wake. She'd never know how much even that meant to me. Of course, I knew it was beyond impolite to kiss a woman without her permission, but regardless, I'd cherish it forever.
When I crossed the threshold of my own home, I was surprised to find everyone quiet still. However, I was doomed to hear their thoughts no matter what. I found Alice, still outside, sitting in the same place I'd left her. She was still mildly upset, but coming to terms with everything fairly quickly. I was just glad that her thoughts were no longer excruciatingly torturous. I took my previous place next to her. "Have you been out here all night?" I asked her. I had been gone most of the night. Dawn would break in an hour or so, and with it would bring school and again Bella had become the reason for my anxiousness to be at that prison.
"Yes." She said, looking up at me, "It's peaceful out here." I raised an eyebrow at her. "Speak for yourself." I laughed. My mood had been uplifted since I'd seen Bella. Alice had perked up a bit too, but only an infinitesimal amount. "You went to Bella's?" She asked, randomly. I can smell her all over you. She smirked. I looked down, grinning. "She was asleep." I revealed. I know, she thought as she nodded her head at me, I saw. I looked up at her now, she was grinning too. I raised my eyebrows. "What else did you see?" I asked, curious. I knew she was attempting to be cryptic with me. Her attempts were in vain, even if she could block me out of her thoughts.
She looked down now, her smile fading, replaced with a frown. I've never seen that side of Jazz before. I really hurt him. She looked up. I'm just glad that Bella was there to comfort him, she confessed. I was afraid that she would be angry with Bella for being the vitcim of Jasper's emotions, when it should have, in all rightness, been Alice. She was, after all, his mate. She surprised me by not being even remotely angry, or even jealous for that matter...no, she was truly greatful. That's a whole lot more then I could say for myself; I was angry, and jealous, and so much more, that Jasper got to do the honors of comforting Bella.
"Your not angry?" I asked, voicing my concern anyways. She looked at me, appalled, "Of course not!" She breathed, "Why would I be?" I just shook my head, "Never mind." I was greatful that she wasn't angry. "We'd better go get ready for school." I mentioned, a little too excitedly. She noticed the excitement in my voice. You really want to see Bella badly, don't you?She asked, smiling. I smiled, too, ecstatic at the mere thought of seeing Bella. "Yes. Yes, I really do." I confessed. I closed my eyes, reminiscing on memories of Bella; her angelic smile, her freesia scent, her nearly too pleasurable warmth, and nearly unbearable lips. She was undeniably genuine. One of a kind, I mused.
I got up from my seat, and - too excited to be contained - ran up the stairs to my bathroom and jumped in the shower. Not that vampires really needed to shower, but I very much enjoyed the feel of the scalding hot water on my ice cold skin. Once I was finished in the shower, I sorted through every article of clothing I owned, looking for the perfect pair of jeans, and the perfect color shirt. I settled with a pair of light washed snug fitting jeans and a black short sleeve v-neck tee. There was a slight chill out, so - to keep up our perfectly planned facade - I grabbed my black pea coat slipping it on as well.
Fully dressed now, I ran my hands through my nearly dried hair a few times, styling it without really having to style it. I felt extremely compelled to look my very best for Bella today, even though she may not even acknowledge my presence. Finally finished getting ready for the day, I glanced at the clock next to the photo of Bell and I standing together in front of my house. Alice had taken it a few months ago. It was hard to believe that we had gone from impossibly happy, to lost and distraught in no time at all. Consequences, I reluctantly explained to myself. I didn't want to be at fault here, but I knew that I was.
The time on the clock said it was nearly time to go. What the-? I stared at the clock wondering where exactly the time had gone. I didn't think it took me that long to get ready. Oh, Bella, the things you do to me, I mused. She really did have the biggest effect on me - bigger then even Carlisle. I was so absorbed in my own thoughts that I payed no mind - at all - to Alice's coming towards my room. There was a tap at the door, then, "Edward? Are you ready yet?" You take longer to get ready then a female! I grimaced, knowing that she was right; today at least, I had. Her thoughts mirrored mine, At least today you did. Hurry up! She demanded.
I obliged immediately, yearning to dissolve the ache in my chest that always appeared when Bella wasn't around. The ache would go away as soon as I laid eyes on her. Emmett and Rosalie rode with Alice and I as was usual since Bella insisted on getting good use out of her beat up old monster of a truck. She had laid down the law for me that day - or so she thought. Really, I was just a pushover when it came to her. It was hard enough for me to not give her everything she wanted when she'd simply ask. Now when she pleaded and begged, it was all over for me then; there was absolutely no saying 'no' to her.
So instead of Alice and Jasper carpooling with Em and Rose, while Bella and I shared some quality 'ride-to-school-together' time, we silently agreed that we were to ride together again in hopes of saving time and money - as if we really needed to. We tried to be as human as possible. We arrived at school quickly - courtesy of my need for speed - and everyone filed out of my car walking off in separate directions, leaving me to gather my thoughts. I looked around the parking lot for Bella's truck, and panicked when I didn't find it.
I spun around in my seat, contemplating getting out of my car for a better look - which I did right after the thought occurred to me. I still didn't find the vehicle I was looking for, but felt a wave of relief when I spotted Jasper's car pulling into the parking lot - Jasper in the drivers seat; Bella in the passengers. He must have picked his car up after we left this morning, probably thinking it best to play 'Bella's Chauffeur' for the time being, until she felt better. His thoughts confirmed that.
I suddenly felt extremely nervous. I stared at Bella, using up all of my control to keep myself from running over to her and pulling her from Jasper's car and into my arms. This kind of restraint took a lot out of me, but I maintained. I continued to stare at her - she looked tired. She looked extremely tired. Had she gotten no sleep last night? She was surely asleep when I left her room. She had most likely slept restlessly, again, waking up from nightmares throughout the night. I didn't like the thought of that in the slightest.
I turned away from them, quickly jumping back into my car. I didn't want to see Bella like that anymore. It killed me inside. The hurt pulsing through me like fire - scorching and burning every object in its path to cinders and ashes, leaving me an empty vessel - I gripped the steering wheel stealing myself as the fresh pain coursed through my body. I cringed and held my breath waiting for the pain to stop. When it didn't, I realized that the waiting had been in vain. My pain would remain until I was with Bella again. I took a deep breath hoping to calm myself enough to make my way to class.
I looked around me to make sure that Bella and Jasper had gone inside already. Seeing no sign of either of them, I got back out of my car and walked, slowly, across the campus towards my first class. Bella would already be there, and I was dreading seeing her. I was so nervous. I wanted to be next to her so badly, to touch her, to hold her hand, but I was completely dreading her reaction to being so close to me.
I had a few minutes left before class started, just enough time to gather my thoughts and make a decision, while still being able to stroll in the door to my class and take a seat next to the most important woman in my life. I took a few more deep breaths, clearing my head as well as I could and deciding right then that I would march into that classroom, walk straight over to Bella, take her in my arms and kiss her more passionately then I ever had right there in front of the everyone. Sure, she'd be embarrassed after she realized what happened, but maybe she would want to leave with me. I smiled slightly, enjoying that idea. I decided I would do all I could to win her back.
I had made it to the door by this time, and I came to a halt. I can do this, I encouraged myself. I opened the door just as the final bell rang and stepped into the classroom ready to begin my march. I scanned the room for Bella and found - to my great horror - that she had her head down on her arms and I could tell by her steady heart beat and quiet breathing that she was sound asleep. I debated on waking her as I took my seat beside her, but I decided against it knowing she probably needed the sleep. I did, however, try to make her a bit more comfortable.
She may as well have been comatose because she didn't stir in the slightest bit when I lifted her head gently and placed my cotton jacket underneath it in a bundle - in means of some sort of make-shift pillow - and placed her hands at her sides. I also - knowing still it was completely wrong of me - took her limp hand in mine and held it beneath the table. I could afford it though, because at least she was asleep and I could touch her freely without knowing her true thoughts on the matter. Wow! I realized that this was the first time I'd ever not wanted to hear her thoughts. And for the first time I was greatful that I couldn't.
This behavior of mine stayed fairly one-tracked throughout the res of the school day - me making her the most comfortable that I could, while taking her hand in mind under the shadows of the table - because Bella slept through almost every period we had together, apart from our last. None of the teachers bothered Bella - she was a really good student and they acknowledged that - instead they just gave her a day of rest. Our last teacher, however, didn't need to leave Bella to rest, because as I strolled into the classroom - jacket in hand ready to place under Bella's sleeping head - I was shocked to find her awake.
I stopped short, unsure of what to do. She's awake! I panicked, yet at the same time a thrill ran through me. Maybe I can talk to her now. She glanced towards the door, her eyes locking with mine briefly. She looked away quickly and lowered her head to her arms again, no doubt hoping for sleep. She had so much pain in her eyes. I lowered my eyes to the floor and walked cautiously to our table. I pulled my chair out and sat down, noticing her flinch as I did so. I am a respectful person, but I just couldn't fathom sitting as far from her as the table would allow, so I didn't. Instead, I sat rather close to her, staring at her intently.
I had been content with holding her hand, even without her knowledge of it, but right now while she was awake I had the strongest impulse to do whatever I could to talk to her. I pulled my jacket back on and was bathed in an intoxicating perfume. Oh, Bella. I inhaled deeply. I was overjoyed that Bella's scent had saturated my jacket from lying on it all day. Her freesia perfume sent a strength through me, adding to my impulse. I reached out to touch her and lightly slid my fingers down her arm. She gasped and froze, holding her breath. I froze, too, unsure of why I was touching her at all. What possessed me to do such things were beyond me. I really didn't want her to break down in the middle of class.
I knew I should pull my hand away from her, but I just couldn't bring myself to remember how to. Part of me was ecstatic to be touching her at all. I found my voice then. "Bella." I whispered softly so only she would hear me. I saw her shut her eyes tightly; her breathing grew ragged. I still couldn't stop. "Bella, look at me." I pushed, pleading. Her eyes flew open now and she bit her lip. Her anxiety had always attracted me. I continued, moving my hand from her arm to her back, running it down from top to bottom. "Bella, please." At that she shivered and sat up quickly, turning to glare at me. Her anger was also extremely attractive. I couldn't find the will power to stop myself; I reached out and pushed her hair back out of her face.
Her breath caught in her throat and her lips parted - her bottom lip quivering. She wore a bewildered expression. I reached out to smooth the lines between her brows, and just before I reached my target, she realized what I was doing and turned away from me. I exhaled heavily, dropping my hand. I was finally able to control myself now, as if her quick retreat from my touch broke some kind of spell. I turned towards the front of the classroom as well now. "I'm sorry." I breathed. I knew what I was doing would hurt her, but I just didn't have any control over myself. She had such a powerful hold on me. "I'm so sorry." I repeated.
I didn't try to touch her again after that, even though my impulse to do so came back - only this time it wasn't as strong so I was able to stifle it. At lunch that day, Bella and Jasper were absent from our regular table. In fact, they weren't in the cafeteria at all. I searched for Jasper's thoughts and found him and Bella seated outside on the hardly used benches. They were alone, despite the clear sky - clear of rain; full of rain clouds. Jasper had been filled in on my behaviors today, and he didn't approve, but it didn't matter. Nothing did anymore - only Bella. Well, Bella was definitely at the top of my list, anyways.
I debated going out to talk to Jasper, to find out if Bella had agreed to talk to me or not, but looking back at our last class together, I was willing to bet the answer was resounding 'no'. So I sat at the table instead, not speaking a word, or seeing anything but Bella through Jasper's eyes. If this is as close to her that I can get, the so be it, I told myself, for now. Then, another thought crept up from my mind, I will win you back Bella. It's simply a matter of time, and I have plenty of that.
1 2 3 4 5
- 25 Apr 09
- 12 Jun 09
- In Progress