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Fear and Fantasy

Summary:
There is no doubting how much Edward yearns for Bella. There is also no way of doubing the struggle he is going through to give into his desires while not killing her. This is the telling of their first night together on Isle Esme told from Edwards point of view. It starts from when they first get to the island. Please note that it is rated adult for a reason


Notes:
I have never written any kind of story before so please be kind. And as much as I would love to take credit for the characters and the story line, those honours go to Stephenie Meyer.


1. Chapter 1

Rating 4.5/5   Word Count 2091   Review this Chapter

I walked through the front door of Esme’s house, carrying Bella across the threshold in my arms while dragging our clothing trunks in my left hand, which I dropped once we reached the front door. There was a strange feeling as we entered the house; anxiety, pressure, confusion and yet, overwhelming desire.

I tried to be as calm and “normal” as possible, but the thought of what was coming, knowing what I had promised to try, was making me nervous. I took Bella for a tour of the house, never letting her out of my arms. This was supposed to give me time to pull myself together, but it only made the tension I felt more palpable.

We finally reached the last room. It was a large white bedroom with a huge bed as a centerpiece to the room. I could feel the awkwardness that both Bella and I felt floating through the room. I needed more time, time to collect myself, to control my emotions so that I wouldn’t hurt the woman I love. I set Bella on her feet.

"I'll... go get the luggage." The words came out a little more breathy and unsure than I would have liked. I left Bella standing in the large white room and walked back to the front door.

“How am I going to do this?” I said to myself low enough that Bella wouldn’t hear. I picked up the trunks and quietly made my way back to Bella, and stood in the doorway to watch her. An overwhelming rush of devotion came over me. Looking at her, I realized just what I would do for her, what I would do for the woman I loved. For my wife. The words echoed in my head, my wife. I looked at her with pride and utter bliss, but my expression slowly slid into one of confusion.

Bella had a strange look on her face, almost like she didn’t believe that the room, the house, the honeymoon, or her life at this moment was real. She slowly walked towards the bed, which was completely surrounded by a light, see-through netting and reached her hand out to softly tough the mesh that hung from the ceiling. As she reached out, I could see a small bead of sweat trickle down her neck. It was too hot for her here, but I was hoping that it would make my coldness more bearable.

I realized that I needed to be brave. I could see that her nerves were starting to get to her. With a deep breath, I slowly walked up behind her and lightly swept my fingers along her neck, catching the small bead of perspiration that still lingered there. She mustn’t have known that I was watching her, as my sudden touch startled her, but she refused to turn around and meet my eyes.

"It's a little hot here," I said, regret in my voice. "I thought... that would be best."

"Thorough," she softly whispered. A low chuckle came out of my throat.

"I tried to think of everything that would make this... easier," I sheepishly admitted. There was an edge to my voice though that I hoped she would hear, an edge to indicate my trepidation.

Bella swallowed loudly, still not meeting my eyes. I could tell that her mind was somewhere else, thinking about something that she would never want me to know and something that she would never tell me herself. I could tell that she was just as nervous and confused as I was. Neither one of us knew what we were doing, knew what to expect. Neither one of us were ready for this but we both wanted each other so intensely.

"I was wondering,” I said, still trying to hesitate our trying, "if... first... maybe you'd like to take a midnight swim with me?" I had to take a deep breath to try and put myself at ease. "The water will be very warm. This is the kind of beach you approve of." I was always thinking of her, what would make this easier for her, what would make her more comfortable.

Her voice broke slightly as she managed to mumble out "Sounds nice." Her heart rate started to race a little more. It hadn’t been regular since we got to the island, but each stalling moment of the inevitable made her heart flutter a little faster.

"I'm sure you'd like a human minute or two.... It was a long journey."

She simply nodded. She didn’t or maybe she couldn’t say a word and she didn’t look at me. I was starting to think that not only was she nervous, but maybe she was scared. Scared that I would in fact hurt her like I was so sure I would. Did I scare her, now that this moment was real? Was she regretting her decision to make this demand but not wanting to admit it? Was she putting on a brave face, like I was, so that she wouldn’t hurt my feelings with a change of heart?

I couldn’t let her be scared, especially not of me, her husband. I couldn’t bear the thought of her being too afraid to look at me, too afraid to speak. She had to know that I loved her, that it was still us, no matter what would happen now. Nothing in the world could change how I felt about her.

I wanted to take her in my arms and tell her how much I loved her and that everything was ok, but she needed a moment to herself, to pull herself together, to be Bella. But first, she needed to know the trust and love and desire was still there.

I slowly walked up behind her, smelling her delicate scent as I got closer. I bent down and lightly slid my lips across the gentle spot just under her ear. Her skin was so warm and delicate, it made we want to linger there just a little longer. Yes, the desire was definitely still there. I let out a nervous chuckle as I said the words that I knew would make her squirm, but still lighten the mood.

"Don't take too long, Mrs. Cullen."

Just as I expected, she squirmed just a little at the sound of her new name and in a strange way, it made me a little excited. I continued to slowly brush my lips down her neck, across her slender shoulder to stop at the very tip of her shoulder blade. "I'll wait for you in the water."

As much as I hated to leave her alone, to be without her for even half a second, this is what Bella needed and that was all I cared about. I would meet her in the water, hoping that this would calm both our nerves and give each of us time to prepare ourselves in whatever way possible. I walk past her, anxiously letting my shirt drop on the floor as I walked through the French doors and into the dark night.

The sand was like silk under my feet and the soft wind against my skin reminded me of Bella’s soft kiss, delicate and warm. As I walked towards the water, I kept thinking of how much I wanted Bella, the different things that I wanted to do to her. I yearned to hold her fragile body close to mine, safe and secure, to have her sweet and moist lips moving in synch with mine to the rhythm of her heart beat, and to slightly glide my fingers across her precious cheeks, down her quivering spine and across the bare skin of her lower back. I wanted to be with her more than I was willing to admit.

I kept walking towards the water, thinking about touching Bella, kissing her lips and smelling her scent, until I saw a large tree at the brink of the beach. I stood there for a second, looking out onto the water at our soon to be meeting place, trying to regain control of my thoughts. I hung the remainder of my clothes on a short protruding branch and continued into the awaiting water. I stopped when the water reached my hips and looked up at the bright moon shining down on everything around me.

It was so calm and quiet out in the water that I could hear noises coming from the house. I could hear Bella’s footsteps on the wooden floors, the sound of water splashing in the sink of the washroom and finally the sound of the shower running. She was clearly trying to cool herself down, both in temperature and in nervousness.

After a while, Bella’s footsteps came out of the bathroom and through the French doors. I could hear the soft swoosh of her feet across the sand. I didn’t look at her though. I kept my eyes locked on the moon, hoping that somehow, the magic of the glow would protect us from the possible consequences of the evening. I knew it wouldn’t happen, but I had to hope.

Bella’s feet broke the surface of the water. Uncharacteristically, she was extremely graceful through the water and stopped right beside me, gently laying her right hand over my left.

"Beautiful," she said while looking up at the moon. Her voice was now calm and her breath was even. To my surprise, she was very composed.

"It's all right," I passively told her. Nothing was beautiful compared to Bella. Whenever she was around, everything else lost its sparkle, its shimmer. Bella would always be the most breathtaking, the most mesmerizing thing in the world. And I couldn’t resist not looking at her face now, looking at her captivating eyes, her inviting lips.

I slowly turned my head to look at her. She was unbelievable. She stood beside me, glowing in the darkness. The moonlight shone off her cheekbones, across her collarbone, down her gentle arms and, for the first time, across her naked chest. She looked soft and fragile and glorious. I slowly entwined our fingers, making sure that we had an unbreakable bond.

"But I wouldn't use the word beautiful," I softly whispered, "not with you standing here in comparison."

A soft and innocent half-smile spread across her face and it made breathing a little harder, but I tried to not let it show. She slowly raised her free hand to tenderly place it over my heart. Her hand was remarkably steady and sure. I couldn’t resist the smallest shutter as her warm hand intimately touched my cold skin. I could no longer control my breathing.

She was looking at me with such devotion, such reassurance, almost as if she were trying to comfort me. I knew. We both knew. This is what we both wanted, both needed more than anything else in all eternity.

"I promised we would try" I whispered, sudden tension coming through my voice. I was definitely losing my battle between desire and restrain. The desire was taking over, only marginally, but enough that I was finally starting to accept that there was no turning back.

"If... if I do something wrong, if I hurt you, you must tell me at once."

She simply nodded, keeping her eyes focused on mine. She took a light step through the water to close our gap, pressing her bare body against mine, and gently leaned her head onto the exact place where her hand was over my heart.

"Don't be afraid," she whispered into my skin, "we belong together." I immediately knew that she was right. There would never be another person in the entire world, throughout my entire existence that was more perfect or who I would ever want more than my Bella. She was everything that I ever wanted, everything that I would ever need. And she chose me to share this moment with, chose me to give herself over to me completely, and it would seem, without fear or reservation. She loved me and trusted me more than I deserved.

I wrapped my cold arms around her hot bare skin, holding her tightly, as an all-consuming electricity ran between us. I bent my head down to kiss the top of her head and whisper into her hair.

“Forever.” I reached up and grabbed her hand and slowly walked with my wife, farther and farther into the blackness.