"I can’t breathe without air. I can’t see without light. I can’t move without his guidance. I can’t hear without his voice. I can’t live without my reason. I can't be whole without him."
I dedicate this to chadley who almost co-wrote this with all her wonderful feedback and made the (perfect) banner:) And her beautiful story: Lost In The Past which inspired this one.
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Falling apart to the sound of nothing
She doesn't believe in anything
Never in love with those who love her
Ticking time bomb inside
She carries the weight of broken dreams
Carefully hiding everything from her heart
Doesn't know what she's missing
She wants to be alone
She wants to change her whole way of life
She wants to be alone
Salty winds swirl wisps of gossamer hair across my vision. A salty breeze on salty tears. The last tears I will ever shed.
I stretch out my thin arms towards the glistening horizon, feeling the caress of the wind on my bare skin. I can imagine it is his caress, his love.
The weather is perfect; sunlight would only serve as a cutting reminder of my plainness, nothing compared to his dazzling form and rain would make me too important.
I am nothing. My life is nothing.
The grey waves below me seem so full of color, the dappling shade of a rest from humanity. A rest from a façade.
How can I pretend? How could I ever seem normal? How would I escape the pain? The world has become as cold as metal, dull as lead without him. I am drowning inside myself. Already dying.
The word dances through the trees. A whisper. I once turned away in fear. Now I embrace it joyfully.
My legs act alone; a step forward. A step towards the destination. I revel in the delicacy of the human form; so easy to destroy. This delicacy brought the pain and will take it away.
I drop my jacket. I am happy to end this in my familiar clothes. Me. As I am. A silk gown would add to my grace and would enhance the magic of death. But my identity is in these familiar jeans and shirt. Why try when there is no one to watch?
If they had watched I might not be here. Part of me aches for the acknowledgement of my life. Of their love. Did anyone love me?
Of course. The reply is feverent. Mom, dad. What will happen to them?
They are better without me. See their eyes when they looked at you? The memory is clean, sharp and bitter. Better without me.
Why didn’t they do anything? The question is unwanted. You’re too sensible for this.They believe in you. And I have let them down.
The tears rake down my sore, red cheeks, just as painful as cutting my skin open, less painful than what lives in me.
“Edward!” His name rocks my world, shatters it and them pieces it back together to be shattered again.
And the world is oblivious.
His glorious name goes unacknowledged; a light whisper on the wind. My love goes unnoticed, as it always has. I am just one voice in a million, one insignificant voice.
I stumble forwards, the dried earth crumbling between my toes. My bare feet graze on rocks and pebbles skitter away. Some of the pebbles travel off the cliff top; plunging to their own ends. Free and beautiful.
They are hard, just like him. I am fragile and that is the beauty of a human. So breakable. But he will last; he isn’t vulnerable. He can’t possibly cease to exist.
He left you. He doesn’t love you.
“WHO DOES? WHO WOULD?”I scream out my self-hatred- if I wasn’t me he might love me. If I was beautiful and interesting. He could have loved me. If I was strong.
He deserves someone who won’t fall to pieces. Someone who wouldn't be brought to their knees by loneliness. Someone else.
Why couldn’t I be strong? Why couldn’t I be brave. Why couldn’t I be enough?
He deserves better.
I can’t blame him. I still love him. Weak and useless as that is. I still love him. His smile, his eyes, his voice, his whole being. His music, his rage, his joy, his everything!
And that must survive. He must survive. I won’t let him blame himself. I won’t let him be the martyr.
“Keep him safe.” I whisper to the gods, to Alice, to anyone.
I am now at the edge. Nowhere left to go. It would be glorious to fall. Wonderful.
Then my muscles lock in place. I won’t let myself go. I can’t. Panic strikes through me.
No, no, no, no, no, no! I have to die. I have to get away. I can’t live.
I can’t breathe without air. I can’t see without light. I can’t move without his guidance. I can’t hear without his voice. I can’t live without my reason. I can't be whole without him. I have to.
I break down, falling to my knees, an inch away from the edge. The fall doesn’t frighten me. The consequences do.
Faces flash through my mind: Charlie, Renee, Mike, Jessica, Angela. Everyone. Alice, Esme, Carlisle, Emmet, Jasper, Rosalie, Emmet and Edward.
I can’t do this to them. To him; he will blame himself. I can’t make them all suffer.
I want to. I want to be selfish. But I can’t be.
I do not know how long I lie there for; perhaps a year, a lifetime, perhaps a few seconds.
Then I stand up, a balance on the knife. One step and I could be free. One step and I would never feel pain again. One step. One that I can’t take.
As soon as the decision is made I am freezing. The glory and freedom is gone. My hair is dry and tangled as it whips across my face. My muscles ache. My skin is dry and sore and stinging. My bare feet are caked with mud and scratched. My eyes are sore. Everything hurts- just like life. This is life. It is all that I ever deserved.
Suddenly a light flickers on in the darkness- a reason. I will be strong. I will prove Edward wrong- I will be strong. I know I can’t live but I can pretend. Even if he never knows, I will prove him wrong! He must never know my weaknesses.
He must never know.
“Please don’t tell him.” I choke. I hope Alice will not betray me. Then I gather up my belongings and climb back into my truck. I already feel myself slipping away, caught in the trap of time.
Charlie will see the tears, he will think nothing of them- they are so regular now. I have just been for a drive. I will cook dinner. I will sleep. I will dream. I will cry. I will age. Life will go on. And I will go along with it.
I think the true horror of life is realizing you can never do the one thing that will release you from hell.
Death may be the greatest of all human blessings.