He squirmed and turned to me, opening his eyes. He stopped crying immediately. All my fears were completely irrational. I looked into his bright blue eyes and I knew, I was meant for him and vice-versa. Quill had nothing on me. A Leah love story.
3. Chapter 3
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My precious Wesley,
I’m sure you’re confused. And hurt. But if Leah listened to me, you should be at least fifteen.
Please forgive me. I know that’s selfish to ask, but please. I just couldn’t take it. I felt…I pray you never feel how I felt. Filthy, unclean, in a way.
You must understand it’s not your fault. I’m sure by now you’ve heard this more times than you can count to the point it means nothing. But I can only hope that coming from me you know that it’s sincere. The fact that you are his son means nothing, he did not raise you, he did not know you. And really neither did I. I ran from that right by committing this final act.
I’m so sorry. I do love you. So much. But you deserve more, a better mother than I could be. You deserve someone who can take care of you.
So I put you in Billy’s care. You can be close to Leah – that girl loves you so much – and Billy is a close friend of mine. I think you’ll like his son Jacob and that girl Renesmee. Don’t judge the Cullen’s either. For some reason many of the people from La Push don’t like them. But Doctor Cullen seems nice and I’ve talked to Edward and Bella a few times.
I wasn’t there to teach you life lessons, or tuck you in to bed, or go to your sports games, or read you stories. Those are all my loss. Just know that I do care about you, that I do love you, and I never regret walking home that night, because that’s how you came into my life, and those were the happiest eight months – our time together after you birth – in my life. But you deserve so much better, my love. So much more than me.
You deserve a loving family, with brothers and sisters and moms and dads. They are all your family. Tell aunt Anne Marie I love her, sprinkle my ashes on grandpa’s grave and kiss grandma twice, once for you, once for me.
I can only hope you’ve had a happy childhood. I hope they chose to tell you what happened to me, because it’s only fair to you to know. Lies are never a good thing to keep. And secrets are useless.
I’ve told you I love you only twice in this letter, at least twenty in person, so I should say it again, because I deprived you of the thousands more I could have said over the years. I love you, my Wesley, my son.
I’m so sorry for the hurt I caused you.
Your loving mother,
I was trembling, but I held the letter tight in my hands. I’d read it so many times I lost count. I clutched the letter to my chest and looked across the room at the unknowing baby, sleeping tranquilly in his playpen. In an hour or so, when he woke up, would he even understand that his life had been completely uprooted, altered nearly beyond recognition only two hours ago. Because that’s roughly the time his mother was found, dead, surrounded with pills.
I was confused, angry, scared, worried, and some other emotions I’m sure, I just can’t think of them. How can someone be here someday, healthy and normal, and the next day…not. She just disappeared. Not really, her body was found, sprawled out on the bed, but she just didn’t exists anymore. I actually did like her. We would talk sometimes, laughing and giggling like teenage girls, it was the first time I felt normal, since, well, when I changed. She was my friend.
And Wesley, how can someone do that to him?! Anyone?! How?! How could someone be so cruel, so unjust, so horrible?! How can someone do that to another person and have the audacity to say that they love them?! She didn’t love him, or she wouldn’t have hurt him. People just don’t hurt the ones that they love. Not that bad. She’s immature, she’s irrational, and I’m glad she’s dead! I am! I’m glad that awful woman who treated this innocent child so badly died so she can no longer hurt him!
I was terrified because this was so traumatizing. And I know I have to be the one to tell him. I have to be the one to tell that sweet boy his mom killed herself. He’s going to ask if it was a boyfriend who broke up with her to make her do that, or a dead friend, and I’ll have to explain to him that he was the only recent thing, his existence was the only thing new.
I was so worried about his reaction.
This whole situation was so overwhelming. So unfair.
Wesley squirmed, groaned, and started to wail. Sobbing, crying, and screaming his heart out.
But that was absolutely nothing compared to how bad he was going to cry once he knew.