Ghost of you
What if cliff diving to Bella meant something completely different. What if Bella was fed up of this world, and fed up of the pain that Edward had caused when he had left?
This is a re-write of my eariler story. I saw the amount of mistakes that was in it, so I knew that it had to be re-done. This is also un-betated, so if you would like to beta it for me, please message me! Alos, if you would like me to continue with the story, say so in the review as I do have a idea of where this can go, but I need the motivation to do it, if not, then this story is complete! Thank you for reading it, and I hope you enjoy it!
1. The Ghost of you.
Rating 3.4/5 Word Count 2190 Review this Chapter
Ghost of you
I never, said I'd lie and wait forever
If I did we'd be together now
I can't always just forget him
But he could try
At the end of the world
Or the last thing I see
You are never coming home
Never coming home
And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are ever ever...
“Bella, I don’t want you to come with me”
“You… don’t… want me?”
“Don’t… Don’t do this”
“You are not good for me Bella. Goodbye”
It’s been 4 months since he last spoke those words to me. Yet, I can still recite them with freighting accuracy. Why can I not forget what he said? Why can’t I forget him?! It still hurts to speak his name, his name has caused more then one crack in my heart. I finally managed to look in the mirror today, and for the first time in 4 months I can finally understand why everyone is so worried about me.Everyone now refers to me as a ‘zombie'. I look terrible. Actually, I look worse than terrible... I look like I am now one of them, when he finally leaves me broken, alone, I find that it's the appropiate time to live up to there beauty, but that's not something I am. Beautiful that is. That's why he left me, and I still believe that... But I don't care of why he left me anymore, all I care about, is that he is not coming back, and that I need to stop this hurt that I feel everyday. No matter what it takes. I never made a promise to him that I would wait to see if he returned, because I knew deep down in my heart that he wouldn't. I did, however, make a promise not to harm myself in anyway. I can clearly see now that that was the one of the worst things I could have ever said to him. I cannot live this life without him. Without him, my life has no meaning, I’m just another pointless person, breathing and merely existing. Today I broke my promise to him. How selfish was he to think that I could cope without him! Now. Now it was my turn to be selfish! He knew that I would never be able to carry on, not now. This world will be better off without me; just like he is. He was right. I wasn’t good for him. I was just holding him back. Why would he ever want a weak, un-attractive, silly little human like me?
He would never understand why I did this. Or why I broke his promise, but I had to. To everyone in Forks, it should be extremely obvious. That day he left, he broke me. As easily as he said he always could. I thought that I could pull myself together for Charlie, and I have tried so hard to stay strong for him, but even I cannot perform miracles with my own life. The only relief I have ever had from this nightmare is when I am with Jacob. Jacob is my sun. He's as hot as it, but he is my sun, while the other is my moon. Jacob has helped to keep the nightmares away. Just as he has helped me to survive for as long as I have, he's reminded me to eat, to drink, to do all the basic human things, but even that cannot stop the pain. Jacob helped me to see clearly, but that all crashed into nothingness when I had the "accident". I call it that as it was no accident, but I would never tell Jacob this, it would kill him. Whenever I went to do something utterly reckless, something that he would have frowned upon, I hear his voice reprimanding me. It sounds crazy, I already know this, but it is there. It's there telling me that I'm silly, that I should stop it, that I should be careful, but he lost the right to tell me to do anything when he left me for dead in the forest. Hearing his voice, is like a soothing balm on my soul, but it also brings a fresh pain back. The pain where I know that he never will be back, and that, once again, I am just delusing myself. So what I'm about to do is selfishness mostly on my part, but it is also to get back at him. He told me not to hurt myself, and I'm not. I'm making all of that hurt disappear, so in my head, I'm doing everything he has asked me to.
I’m glad that Jacob had a pack meeting today. If Jacob didn't have a obligation to be there, I wound never be able to do this. Jacob has promised to take me cliff diving. He still believe's that I'm getting better, but I know different. Lucky, I got Jacob to show me the point where they cliff dive, so I know where to go, and I know how to do this. I know that.. Well seen as I am going to a better place soon, I might as well say the name that has ahunted me for so many months… Edward. I'm sure that he has now forgotten about me. Found some other perfect vampire. To love. To be able to be around without being afraid of killing her, without feeling the need to protect her all the time. Edward may have forgotten me, but that does not mean I will ever forget him. I could never forget him. Edward was the first person I have ever loved, and he will be the last. Even as I am standing here, I know that he will never come back. That he will never come and find out if I am still alive, or even if I broke his promise. I wonder what it would be like if he ever did return. Would he feel worry about where I was? Would he question other's as to what happened. Would he feel regret? Sympathy? Or perhaps. Would he feel sadness that I had broken his promise.
I do feel bad about leaving Jake though, he has been nothing but a brother to me. I know he likes me more then I like him, but it breaks my heart to think that I will break his.
Oh no! Not now! Why should I doubt myself now when I am nearly there?! Driving in my truck is soothing to me, but it is taking to long, giving me time to think about thoughts that need to be forgotten! Should I really do this though. I would be hurting so many people. Jake, I can see his face now. Broken, torn, just as I feel. Charlie, Renee, The Pack, my friendd. Plus, dare I even think it. Edward? NO! I decided a long time ago to do this, I can’t start to question myself now, and this is what I was. This is what I need, I need the release from the pain! I need time where I don't feel as though someone has torn out my soul, stopping me from feeling nothing but pain.
It hurts to think that there are thing that I never got to tell Edward, or things that I never got to find out about him. There was so much that I wanted to do with him, so many things that I miss about him. Like his ‘dazzling’ smile. I think I miss that the most. I loved the idea that the smile was meant for me, and for me alone. No one else. Now? Now I guess that it belongs to someone else. I hope that they appreciate him for what he is. Before I left the house today, I wrote 4 notes. One to Charlie telling him how sorry am I was for everything that I had put him through these last few months, explaining that I couldn’t live without him anymore, but that he was not to find him and hurt him. I couldn't live with myself if Charlie was hurt because of my mistakes. The next I wrote was to Renee… It was very similar to Charlie’s note, just with a few more apologies. I do miss my mom, and I regret not spending much time with her before I do this. Now is not the time for regret, now is the time for action. The next two notes were the hardest. I have never written anything as devastating as those to notes will be to the two people whom I care about the most. Jacob will be disappointed. Upset. Angry. This would all be aimed at me. So in my letter I justified what I was doing, hoping that he would understand why I was doing this. I also gave him the same warning about hurting Edward. Jacob was not to blame him for what I have done. This was my choice. No one elses. Even if his actions are what caused my decision. The last letter? That was for Edward. I would like to think that he would read it after I died. That he would return to see if I had followed his words, and all he was to find? A letter. Saying that he was not to blame himself, and that it was the only way I could stop the darkness from speading though me. Dragging me down into its dispair.
~~~~~~~********~~~~~~~ Begin Flashback~~~~~~~********~~~~~~~
I sat in my bedroom. My head in my hands. Not being able to contol the tears that were spilling freely from my eyes. I tried to stop the tears, oh how I did.
Just one more letter Bella. Even you can do this. One more, and you can jump in you car, and make the journey. One more, and all this will nearly be over.
I had to keep reminding myself this as I wrote my last letter. To the one person who was the cause of all my pain. All my suffering. Even I knew that I would never blame him. How could I blame him? I knew as soon as he chose me that I would never be able to keep him. When he left? It proved what I always thought. Before going to write the final letter to him, I read through the others that I had wrote to Charlie, Renee, and Jacob, each one of them letter’s broke my heart, damaging my soul more then it already was. Reaching for the pen, my hand shook with fear about writing this to him, but in the end, my conscience won out, and I began to write my very soul onto the page, displayed for him and only him to see.
My love. My only love. I miss you.
I miss you more then you could ever comprehend.
I know that I have broken your promise but I can’t live this life anymore…
Not without you.
I know, but it just isn’t worth it anymore.
I love you, and please, don’t feel sorry for me.
I know that you have moved on, and I know that you didn’t really love me.
Please know that I loved you, and I will always love you.
Goodbye my love
After writing this, all I remember is curling up in a ball. Crying myself to sleep for the last time. This would be the last time that I would hurt like this. That I would feel like this. I had a strange feeling that I was making a mistake, but I didn’t care. I just wanted this pain to stop… And this. This is the only way I know how to make it stop.
~~~~~~~********~~~~~~~ End Flashback~~~~~~~********~~~~~~~
I know stand at the top of the la push cliff, looking at the crashing waves below, a feeling a dread flowing through me. This was quickly quewled with the feeling of relief. Soon. All this would be over, and I could sleep happy, but I do hope that he reads my letter, because I meant every word that I wrote. It hurt more to write that note, than it does to stand here knowing that I would soon jump to my death. The time has come; I can’t stand this world any longer, and I can feel it. The world itself is slowly dragging me towards the edge of the cliff. Towards the end of my life, and I feel happy. Now it’s time I regained some control back over my life.
“Goodbye my love, know I always loved you, even if you didn’t love me.”
My whisper was soft against the howl of the wind, controlling ever crash of the waves against the cliff, like it was controlling me. A single tear slowly falling down my face. I hoped beyond reason that the harsh wind would carry my apology over to Edward, as I took the last fatal step off of the cliff and into the icy waters.