Leah is hurt by the people she thought she loved and loved her. Here is her pain. It's a bit confusing, but itallic goes with itallic, regular goes with regular. If you have to read it separat, go ahead.
One chapter thing. Sry.
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“Sam, I – ”
“Emily!” Sam jumped up and ran to her, pushing off from the couch seat next to me. He nuzzled her face and she smiled warmly, “How are you?”
“Leah, I’m sorry.” He sat down.
“I know.” I sounded dead.
“How are you?”
I swallowed the dry, fiery pain in my throat that made me want to cry.
I ignored his question.
I have to suck it up and deal. He made this choice, it was for the best.
“I think it’d be a good match and it might turn into love soon enough,” he said.
He kissed her.
“I could love her,” he continued.
I stood and wobbly walked to the kitchen.
“What do you think?” Sam said, turning to look at me for the first time.
I poured a glass for myself.
“Whatever makes you happy, I guess. If you love her, you should stay with her.” It hurt to say that.
I somehow managed to swallow without choking on my almost-sob.
“I just don’t know. I mean, I love her, but does she love me?”
“I’m sure she does,” how can she not love him? How can anyone not love him?
I turned, “Yeah, Emily,”
I used to love you, Sam. At least I hope I used to. I don’t want to love you now. I don’t want to love someone like you.
My chest hurt.
“Thanks for being so cool with this.”
“Thanks for being so cool with this.”
My heart was burning and I had the urge to literally kill her. She caused me all this pain. I was fine before. I was in love.
“I was in love you.”
“Yeah,” I muttered, finishing my glass and pouring another. My stomach hurt from all the water.
“I know.” He said.
“Are you okay?” she was nervous. Good.
He didn’t give a damn how I felt. How my heart felt as if I was one thousand feet under water, being compressed and crushed so that the only outcome was for it to be destroyed. He didn’t care, did he? As long as he has her.
“Yep.” I sipped my water and turned away from her.
Why do I still feel pain when I’m around you, why does my heart sting so sharp? Why – if we are not meant to be together – the hell do I still hurt? Why did I love you in the first place?
“That’s your sixth glass.” She said.
I hate you, Sam.
“Is it?” I muttered.
So why do I love you?
“Yes.” She squirmed, fiddling with a string on her shirt.
“What is it Sam?” I said.
“Leah,” she hesitated.
“What is it, Emily?” I was getting impatient. I didn’t want her anywhere near me.
“What is it she has that I don’t? What is it about her that’s more valuable, more important, than me?” He just left that day. Didn’t even want to talk.
“I’m worried about you.”
I guess I wasn’t important enough.
I laughed at her, “You choose now? It’s a little late.” She’s a home wrecker. A whore.
He was silent.
“I – ”
I hope he burns in hell.
I hope she burns in hell.
“Sam, quit sidestepping it. You know she’s better than me.” I could barely hear myself, as if I was underwater.
I saw Sam come up and wrap his arms around her in my peripheral.
He won’t look at me.
I turned and glared.
Why won’t he look at me?!
I stared hard at him.
Do I not deserve it?!
He didn’t look at me.
“Sam, acknowledge me,”
I pushed past them out the door. I heard Emily call me but I ignored her and her feelings, just like she did me.
He looked up then.
It was snowing.
But his expression was blocked.
“Leah!” Sam called.
“I can’t love you anymore.” He said.
I ignored him too.
“ I don’t love you anymore.” He continued.
“Leah!” he grabbed my arm.
I closed my eyes and let it settle over me.
I whirled and slapped him.
For some reason it felt like telling myself every single morning that he didn’t love me – like I had been – didn’t help.
“Go burn in hell,” I hissed.
He doesn’t love me.
“Leah, you hurt her!” Sam said.
Get the hell over it, Leah. I told myself that often.
“Good, I hope it stung!” I spat, and turned on my heal and ran. But I didn’t change. I wanted to be away from him.
I plowed through the snow, pushing my way through the cold.
Was he even listening?
“Did you ever?” I asked.
“Shut the hell up!” I screamed.
Should I throw his lies over my left shoulder?
“No!” I turned on him and screamed in his face, “You never listened to me, why should I listen to you?” My stomach hurt, like I was going to implode. I resisted the urge to double over in pain.
Was it my fault?
He roughly grabbed my arm, I squirmed to get loose.
Did I send him away?
“Leah – ”
Was I cold?
“Go away! I hate you, Sam! I hate you so much for what you did to me! Don’t you get it?! I have to see this every day! Hear it every day! You ignorant bastard!” I forced myself to not give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. I was biting my lip and twisting to get away.
I can’t let him win.
I slapped him, scratching him with my nails. Blood began to flow and I ran.
I ran as fast as I could.
Even if I have to lock my heart.
Deal with it Leah.