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Boys will be boys... even if they are vampires

Jasper and Emmett go shopping. Please keep in mind that this is Jasper and Emmett, shopping with them is never just shopping. Somehow they manage to find the one store that will drive Edward insane... when he finds out what they've done he will surely make the Volturi look like little kittens. It's rated Adult because of consequent chapters. (Adult humour and themes) Chapters 3 and 4 are now up!

*All the wonderful characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.*

3. Chickens and Feathers

Rating 5/5   Word Count 937   Review this Chapter

The shop was covered from floor to ceiling with anything and everything that anyone could possibly want to embarrass their nearest and dearest with. It wasn’t a sex shop, no; it was a Lets-Destroy-Edward’s-Sanity shop. I felt kinda mean picking on Edward, but we were his big brothers, it was our duty to torment him, and of course, we had to do our duty, it was rule number five in the ‘Being a Cullen’ handbook - always do your duty, and do it with a smile. We sure as hell would be doing it with a smile this time.

There were all types of sex toys, costumes, underwear, DVDs, and some weird and wonderful things that I didn’t even know the name for. This wasn’t the first time that either Emmett or I had entered a sex shop... which wasn’t surprising considering how old we are, but this was the first time that we had total embarrassment as the main purpose of our visit.

“Ok, I think we should start from left to right, picking up anything that can give Edward a heart attack and make Slinky blush for the rest of her life.” Emmett had picked up two baskets, ready for battle.

“Slinky?” I said as I picked two baskets up as well.

Emmett nodded and explained. “Yeah, Slinky. It’s my new nickname for Bella: she’s silly, fragile, can’t really do much and you can’t help but laugh when you see one tumble down the stairs.”

Emmett’s mind was brilliant, simply brilliant.

We began to make our way through the store. The two assistants were staring at us; they must have liked what they saw because I felt the rapid development of their emotions: first annoyance, then curiosity and then full blown lust. I thought about changing what they were feeling so that I could concentrate on the task at hand, but decided against it. Heck, we were in a sex shop, lust was appropriate.

“Jazz, we need to get them some naughty costumes.” Emmett was already going through the rails.

“Agreed, but which one exactly? Ooo, what about this nurse’s outfit... look it even comes with a hat.” I held it up.

Emmett just shook his head and continued sorting through the other outfits. “Nah...that’s more Esme’s style.”

“Thanks for the mental picture Emmett. That’s really gross, you know. She’s practically our mother.” I started to scowl but his big laugh cut me off.

“Look, I’ve found the perfect one.”

He held up a lioness outfit. It had a tail, ears and fluffy cuffs.

We erupted with laughter, clutching our bellies and leaning against each other for support.

When Edward sees that...

I tried to speak through gasps. “That's...that is...Oh my God...put it...in the ...Oh geeze... in the basket.”

Emmett took a big breath to try to calm himself down. “Oh man, I love this shop.”

We tried to control our laughter but every time I looked down at the basket I just burst out laughing, and then, of course, Emmett had to join in.

“Jazz, please. Have some control.” He said between laughs.

I nodded and swapped baskets with him so that I didn’t have to look at the costume.

We looked around for a few more minutes, grabbing everything within our reach. By the time we were done with the left side of the store our four baskets were full. We chucked everything in: flavoured condoms to last the normal human three life times, candy underwear- for him and her, handcuffs, a fluffy blindfold, matching black leather dog collars, sparkly nipple tassels, every kind of massage oil available, three different types of whips, and a male thong with a squeaky toy at the front.

We put our full baskets at the counter and went to get some more things. We still had the right side to explore.

Unfortunately the right side wasn’t as much fun as the left. It was just books and normal lingerie.

Emmett picked up one of the books of the shelf and started flicking through it. I did the same.

Emmett was looking at a book called What’s the difference?

“Jazz, what’s the difference between erotic and kinky?” A smile was starting to creep into Emmett’s face.

“I have no idea, Emmett. What’s the difference?” I answered.

“Erotic means you use a feather, but kinky means you use the whole chicken.” Somehow he managed to answer without bursting into laughter.

I laughed so much that even the shop assistants were in hysterics. So, obviously, we had to get Edward the book, feathers, and a rubber chicken just in case he wanted to switch from erotic to kinky.

After paying for all our excellent purchases we decided that it was time to go home, in about two hours Edward would be home and Bella would undoubtedly be with him. We needed time to prepare.

In the car we planned our attack.

“Emmett, we need to think of something to keep Edward out of our minds when he arrives. I think some of his favourite songs are in order, don’t you?” I was back to shouting, Emmett refused to turn the music down.

Emmett wasn’t just nodding this time; he was practically dancing in his seat. “Yeah... you know how he’s always loved Sex Bomb; I think I’ll sing it for him.” He screamed.

Damn, but the music was contagious. I was now nodding along too. “Ooo, that's a good one. I think he’ll prefer Baby got back, if I may say so.”

“We’ll give him the concert of a life time, Jazz.”

I’m sure Edward will appreciate it...