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Boys will be boys... even if they are vampires

Jasper and Emmett go shopping. Please keep in mind that this is Jasper and Emmett, shopping with them is never just shopping. Somehow they manage to find the one store that will drive Edward insane... when he finds out what they've done he will surely make the Volturi look like little kittens. It's rated Adult because of consequent chapters. (Adult humour and themes) Chapters 3 and 4 are now up!

*All the wonderful characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.*

4. Masterpiece

Rating 4.5/5   Word Count 702   Review this Chapter

Back at the house we began setting things up. The posters were now modified; they had Edward’s face on it, as well as his age in the title. We put them up, covering every bit of exposed wall. Then we threw the thousands of condoms on top of his bed, emptied all his shelves of CDs and replaced them with our purchases, putting the lioness costume right at the front. By the end, Edward’s room looked like a sex shop. It looked even better than the one we went to today- Emmett had changed the lighting, replacing the normal bulb with a red one. We also put some music on standby, at first we couldn't agree on the song but we finally settled for Push It- very tasteful. I pocketed the little stereo control to press play at the right moment.

We took a step back to examine our masterpiece.

Emmett was pretending to scratch his chin in a thoughtful way. “Hopefully Mr. Know-it-all will like it. Do you think we should leave intructions? He is a virgin after all.”

That made me chuckle. “Are you saying we should pin a piece of paper with Please Insert Here on Bella?”

“Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.”

I shook my head, still laughing. “No, I think that if we went that far he would make the Volturi look like little kittens. Lets leave some of his sanity intact.”

Emmett was not happy. "Fine! I'll leave a little bit intact, but only because you're making me."

We went down stairs to watch TV and wait for what was about to be one of the very best moments of my life. After an hour I could feel Emmett getting impatient.

“Jazz, shouldn’t they be here by now?” Emmett asked as he lay sprawled on the floor.

I didn’t even need to answer it- at that precise moment we heard Edward’s Volvo. Both our heads snapped up.

“Jazz, get ready to sing.” We both stood up.

A few minutes later Edward and Bella came into the living room, hand-in-hand. I started singing in my head...

I like big butts and I cannot lie. You other brothers can’t deny that when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get SPRUNG...

I could hear Emmett singing quietly under his breath.

Sexbomb, sexbom you're my sexbomb, you can give it to me when I need to come along.

Edward knew something was terribly wrong.

Oh what it must be like to be in his mind right now...

“Jasper, Emmett? What have you done?” Edward was suspicious, as well as he should be, but there really wasn’t any excuse for bad manners.

“Hello to you too, Edward. Hi Bella. How was the trip?” I tried to calm Edward down but I could still feel that he was going to explode... in more ways than one. It took all my self control not to burst out laughing.

Bella looked a little bit puzzled, but still answered. “Umm, it was good. Very interesting.”

Emmett was a doing extremely well at holding back his chuckles. “That's nice. Nothing exciting happen, then? No new gossip? Didn't anyone get caught kissing behind the bus? Humans can be so naughty sometimes, don't you think?” He didn’t give them a chance to answer. “Oh, what a shame. You know something Jazz?”

I shook my head, not trusting myself to speak again.

“I do believe that I’m rather peckish” He had slipped into his posh English accent. “Would you care to join me for a spot of dinner, brother dearest?”

I mimicked his accent. “That sounds simply delightful. We shall be back in a jiffy.”

We linked arms as we walked out, leaving a perplexed Bella and a very worried Edward behind.

Emmett closed the door silently.

We stood in front of the entrance and got into Olympic style running positions.

One. Two. Three.

We could hear them on the stairs.

Four. Five. Six.

They got to the landing.


Edward reached for the door. I pressed play.


Edward’s curses could be heard for miles.


He was running down the stairs.


“Leg it, Em!”