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Eric Gets Human and Nerdy

I wrote this a while ago... It's a crackfic/songfic based on White and Nerdy by Weird Al.


1. The Only Chapter!!!

Rating 5/5   Word Count 1103   Review this Chapter

Eric’s Getting Human and Nerdy


Eric Yorkie, Forks High School’s biggest nerd, was mowing his front lawn when Emmett, Jasper, and Edward pulled up in a totally pimped out ride. Rap music started to play.

Eric opened his mouth while the totally awesome Cullen-gangstas watched in disgust.

They see me mowin’ my front lawn

I know they think I’m just so

Human and Nerdy.”

Emmett wrinkled his nose in disgust as Eric walked over to shake their hands. Jasper quickly locked the door and sped off. Eric shrugged and went back to his lawn-mowing.

Think I’m just to human and nerdy.

Think I’m just to human and nerdy

Can’t you see I’m human and nerdy?

Look at me, I’m human and nerdy.”

A random dude walking down the street nodded and Eric smiled at him. The pedestrian ran off before he was sucked into the realm of nerdiness.

I wanna roll with the gangstas

But so far they all think I’m to

Human and nerdy.” Eric rapped while walking in the parking lot of the high school.

He walked inside to a graduation and was handed an honor student award, singing: “First in my class here at FHS.”

Jessica Stanley snickered and he was forced to add: “Besides Edward Cullen.”

Got skills, I’m a champion at D and D.” He said while rolling a pair of dice with Ben Chenley.

M.C. Escher, that’s my favorite M.C.

Keep your human blood, I’ll have Earl Grey Tea,” he sang as James offered him a writhing human.

My rims never spin; to the contrary

You’ll find them quite stationary,” He leaned in front of his mom-van to point out his tires.

All my action figures are cherry,” (he was organizing his vampire action figure collection in order from most powerful to least powerful).

Got Stephenie Meyer in my library.” He nodded while reading a very familiar looking book.

My MySpace page is totally pimped out

Got people begging for my top eight spaces.” He pointed to his pimpin’ MySpace page where pictures of nerds were flooding the screen.

Yo, I know pi to a thousand places.” (He was doing Emmett Cullen’s homework while singing this, which was to name the first one hundred numbers of pi).

Ain’t got no grills, but I still where braces.” He smiled then, revealing not totally awesome-gangsta-Cullen-worthy grills, but a row a metal bars.

I order all my sandwiches with mayonnaise,” (Edward Cullen shook his head as he poured his mountain lion blood all over his bread).

I’m a wiz at Minesweeper; I could play for days

Once you see my sweet moves, you’re going to stay amazed

My finger’s movin’ so fast I set the place ablaze.” Tyler Crowley gasped as Eric’s fingers moved at vampire-speed, and Jasper scoffed.

There’s no killer app I haven’t run (he runs on a treadmill, just to prove his point. Edward rolls his eyes and says something about that not making any sense)

At Pascal, well, I’m number one (Eric then holds up a neon sign that says ‘#1’)

Do vector calculus just for fun

Ain’t got a gat, but I got a soldering gun,” Eric holds up the gun, attempting the ‘James Bond’ look.

Happy Days is my favorite theme song,” he raps as he dances in front of a wheel that says ‘Happy Days’ on it.

I could sure kick your butt at a game of ping-pong,” Eric sings as he kicks Ben’s butt at ping-pong.

I’ll face any trivia quiz you bring on

I’m fluent in JavaScript as well as Klingon.

Now here’s the part I sing on.”

Eric comes riding my on a Segway and stops in front of Emmett and Jasper on a bench.

They see me roll on my Segway

I know in my heart they think I’m

Human and nerdy.” Eric waves to the Cullens. Jasper stares at him for a second, then they both flip Eric off.

He shrugs his shoulders and starts riding again, singing:

Think I’m just to human and nerdy

Think I’m just to human and nerdy

Can’t you see I’m human and nerdy?

Look at me, I’m human and nerdy.

I’d like to roll with the gangsta-Cullens

Although it’s apparent I’m just too

Human and nerdy

Think I’m just to human and nerdy

Think I’m just to human and nerdy

I’m just to human and nerdy

How’d I get so human and nerdy?”

A child shrugs, but his mother pulls him away from the possible pervert-nerd, cause, you know, they don’t get girlfriends.

I’ve been browsin’, inspectin’ X-Men comics, you know I collect them

The pens in my pocket, I must protect them

My ergonomic keyboard never leaves me bored

Shopping online for deals on some writable media

I edit Wikipedia

I memorized fanfiction really well

I can recite it right now and have you W-T-V-W-T-B-S!” A bunch of Twi-Hards stared at him like he was insane for saying there fanfiction was BS-worthy.

I got a business doin websites

When my friends need some code, who do they call?

I do HTML for ’em all

Even got a homepage for my werewolf, yo.”He pointed to his werewolf’s pimping homepage.

I’ve got myself a fanny pack

They were having a sale down at the Gap (in Port Angeles)

I spend my nights with a roll of Bella-shaped bubble wrap

Pop, pop, hope no one sees me getting freaky.” Jasper and Emmett snicker as they watch Eric make out with the bubble wrap with Bella’s picture taped for the head.

I’m nerdy in the extreme

I’m human-er than Jacob Black.”

Sam nudges Jacob and whispers something like “They’re on to us!”

I was in the AV club, and the glee club

And even the chess team

Only question I ever thought was hard

Was ‘Do I like Harry Potter or do I like Twilight?” (Why didn’t that rhyme??)

Spend every weekend at the Renascence Fair

Got my name on my underwear,” Emmett ran up behind the frail human and gave him a wedgie, only to reveal the name ‘Eric’ printed by his mother on the back of his briefs.

They see me strollin’, they’re laughin’

And rollin’ their eyes cause I’m just so

Human and nerdy.

Just because I’m human and nerdy

Just because I’m human and nerdy

All because I’m human and nerdy

Holy Volturi, I’m human and nerdy.

I wanna bowl with the vampires

But, oh well, it’s obvious I’m so

Human and Nerdy.” Jasper looked at the nerd that just approached him and Victoria told James to start tracking him already. Edward, the stupid peace-maker-hippie-gangsta pointed over to Mike Newton and Ben Chenley at the end of the alley.

Eric shrugged and walked away, singing:

Think I’m just to human and nerdy

Think I’m just to human and nerdy

Can’t you see I’m human and nerdy

Look at me I’m human and nerdy.”

The rap music ended and the vampires circled around the weak human. The last thing we heard of our human-and-nerdy friend was a shrill scream.