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Bella and Edward had a beautiful wedding and very passionate honeymoon. Now, it seems, they are paying for all their happiness. Bella is pregnant with Edwards child but he doesn't want it. This is Bella's POV of her pregnancy. We know what Jacob saw but what did we miss behind Bella and Edward's closed door? Rated adult for later chapters.

Hello all you wonderful readers. As the summery says, this is the pregnancy from BPOV. Some of it is sad, some is a little kinky, but mostly, it's revealing. I usually don't post unless I have the entire story mapped out but this time, I'm posting as I write. Hopefully you like it. Also, please review and help with ideas. Finally, I do not own the Saga or it's characters, those honours belong to SM.

9. Chapter 9

Rating 3.7/5   Word Count 1994   Review this Chapter

The drive was silent and long. Neither one of us spoke a word, but both of our minds were racing with things that we wanted and needed to say to each other. Our only recognition that we weren’t alone in the car was our entwined hands over the centre consol.

I was thinking about everything that he had asked me back at the house. Whether I was “ready” to be with him alone, if I truly trusted him, basically wondering if I felt safe with him without Rose there. Had I really made Edward feel so isolated from me? Did I really give off the impression that Rose was there as protection, that I didn’t feel safe with him? Somehow, and I didn’t know if this was going to be possible at this point, I had to convince Edward that there was no place else in the world that I would rather be then alone with him.

“Bella?” Edward’s voice broke me out of my internal ramblings. I turned towards his voice, looking deep into his troubled eyes. “We’re here”.

I turned my head back to my side window to notice that we were pulled over onto the shoulder of the road, right beside the path that lead us to our meadow. I turned back towards Edward and smiled an embarrassed smile. I hadn’t even realized that the car had stopped. I squeezed Edward’s hand quickly before I untangled our fingers and unbuckled my seatbelt.

Once I finally got out of the car, thanks to Edward’s help, we went to the back to unload our “gear”. Edward managed to shove the sleeping back and the pillow into his backpack before sliding it over his shoulders and shutting the hatch.

“You ready?” he asked in his now typical deadpan tone. I walked up to him and wrapped my arms around his shoulders, giving him a simple nod. Edward bent down, put his left hand under my knees and gently picked me up to cradle me in his arms before he took off running into the woods.

It shouldn’t have surprised me, I have run with Edwards tones of times before, but for some reason, it felt different running with him carrying me in his arms instead of me on his back. And then it hit me. Of course I wouldn’t be wrapped around his back, that would mean that my stomach and the baby would be pressed into him.

I let out a little sigh as I pressed my face deeper into his chest to hide my eyes from the blur of trees. Within minutes, I could feel the sun beating down on my skin and light dancing in front of my closed eyes. I slowly pulled my face away from Edward’s cold, hard chest and looked around me. We were now seated in the middle of the meadow, Edward’s face and hands sparkling and dancing in the light sun that shone down on us.

Edward slowly stood me up off his lap and stood to stand in front of me. He slowly pulled the bag off his back, unzipped it and pulled out the sleeping bag, fanning it out on the ground beside us. He then proceeded to remove the pillow and my pathetic lunch from his back, setting them on the sleeping bag and gestured for me to have a seat.

For some reason, this felt very strange, embarrassingly awkward, as if we were on a bad first date, trying horribly to force this to work. I slowly reached my hands out to Edward, needing his help to take a seat. He lowered me slowly onto the pillow and sat down beside me, removing his hands and reaching for my lunch.

“Here,” he said, placing the lunch bag in front of me, “please eat something.”

With my hand down, I reached for the bag and pulled out my sandwich and juice box. I dared a quick glance to my left and noticed that Edward was also looking down. It was odd, as much as I loved to see Edward sparkle in the sun, his radiant skin glowing and showing his magnificence, his sparkle today seemed to only accentuate the situation. He was ‘different’, something ‘other’ and as much as I love both those factors, he was pained by them. He thought that being different than me made him dangerous, I just thought that it made him special.

I unenthusiastically unwrapped my sandwich and started to eat it. Although I was famished, I had to force it down. I was hungry, but still had to force myself to eat. Once I was half way through, I had to stop. My stomach was twisting and turning and if I ate anymore, it would come right back up.

I placed my half eaten sandwich back in the bag and pushed it off to the side. I caught Edward’s disapproving glance, but he remained silent. I clearly hadn’t eaten enough for his liking, but I did eat.

With the sun beating down on me, I was getting warm and lazy. I shifted down the sleeping bag, laying on my side facing Edward, resting my head on the pillow. I reached out my right hand to him, asking him to come lay with me. He looked at me with his pleading eyes before he gave in and let me pull him down beside me. We had become a couple of very few words. We didn’t need to say what we wanted or felt anymore, we just had to look into each other’s eyes and we knew. But I wasn’t sure that it was such a good thing. Not talking left so much unsaid, so many questions unasked and so much left to assumption. I wanted to talk to my husband, hear his smooth voice, but it seemed like any topic of conversation we had lately left us both in pain.

I knew what I wanted to talk about. It was one of the reasons that I wanted to come to our meadow, so far away from his family. Although I needed to get away from them so that I wouldn’t cause them any pain, I also wanted to get away from them so that Edward and I could talk honestly without the others hearing.

I rolled even further onto my left side, resting my head on Edwards’s right shoulder and slowly tracing imaginary circles on his chest. Although it was through his shirt, I could still feel how my touch was causing his body to react and twitch under my fingers.

“Edward,” I slowly started, not really knowing where to start this conversation, but knowing where I wanted it to go. “Before you were changed, how did you see your future? What did you want out of life?”

“I wanted to join the army, to serve my country,” Edward said, almost as if he was reading off a script.

“I know, but what else? Besides joining the army, what did you want out of life? What kind of future did you want?” This was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I was never good at being evasive or at hiding my feelings. By the weight of Edward’s sigh, I could tell he knew where this conversation was going. He slowly raised his right arms and began to gently rub my lower back.

“I can’t Bella. I know what you’re asking and I can’t. It was so long ago and things are so much different now…” I was right, he knew exactly where I was going with this conversation and tried to close it off before it even got started.

“But Edward, didn’t you ever wish that you could have a family, that you would be a father?”

“It’s not the same” he breathed, slightly shaking his head.

“But I don’t understand that. If this was something that you wanted before you were changed, why is it such a bad thing now?” He just continued to shake his head, taking long and steadying breaths. I know that this conversation was hard for him but I needed to understand.

I sat up and looked down upon him lying beside me. His eyes were closed and his face was hard. I reached down and cupped his left cheek, gently letting my thumb glide over his perfect skin. He ever so slightly leaned into my palm, reaching up and placing his left hand over mine, holding it closer to his cheek before opening his eyes and looking into mine.

“Don’t you still wish thatwish that you could have that family,” I started, staring deep into his eyes, “that you would be a father, raising a child and watching it grow up and play here in our meadow?” He leaned in deeper into my palm, his eyes closing as he was obviously struggling to remember everything that he once wanted.

“Didn’t you ever want to be married to the love of your life, creating a new life with her and watching as her stomach grow with the creation you both made? Knowing that your child was in there? Seeing her pregnant stomach and holding it, kissing it, and humming a lullaby to it every night? And then finally being able to hold your new born baby in your arms?” A single tear escaped my eyes, realizing that that was everything that I wanted from him, and yet everything that I was missing.

“Yes,” he softly whispered as he opened his eyes and removed his left hand from over mine to wipe my tear away. My hand fell from his face and rested on his chest and he gently pulled me back down onto my side, resting my tear stained cheek on his chest once again. “I did dream of one day being a father and having a family. But things aren’t like that for me anymore Bella. I’m a vampire, I gave up on that dream a long time ago. If the circumstances were different, there would be no one else in the world that I would want to be the mother of my children, but the reality is …” he paused. I didn’t know if he was going to continue or if that was all he had to say. But what was he really saying? The reality is…that I don’t want you to be the mother of my children, that I would take it all back if I could? The reality is that I don’t want this life?

I waited, hoping that he would finish his thought and that I could banish all these horrific thoughts from my mind. He looked down at me and clearly saw the panic behind my eyes and the millions of thought running through my mind. He slowly turned his body to the side so that we were facing each other and cradled my face in his hands while he finished his thought.

“Yes Bella, I got to marry the love of my life,” a gentle smile lifted on the corner of his lips. “And yes, I got to make incredibly passionate love to her, something I didn’t think would ever be possible,” I let out a satisfied sigh, remembering our honeymoon and the love that he had for me.

“But this is different. The dream of the perfect family no longer exists for me because of what I am. ” He finished; just letting his final words hang in the air.

I was about to refute his self loathing once again, when my body started to tingle and an immediate wave of heat covered every inch of my body, inside and out.

“Edward, I don’t feel…” was all I was able to get out before my body shook and I rolled away from Edward. My eyes were burning as my stomach caved in on itself and emptied its meager contents onto the field of our once perfect meadow.