Bella and Renesmee discover some funny pick-up lines that they want to try on Edward.
This story was very funny for me to write so hope you like it! And please remember to review!
1. Chapter 1
Rating 5/5 Word Count 2560 Review this Chapter
“So Edward, I know you still haven’t managed to break that cottage yet, but a little birdie who had to stop by the furniture store DID tell me that you broke your…what is it now…tenth bed? Or was it the eleventh? Jaz, you know?”
I rolled my eyes as Jasper acted like he was taking Emmett’s question seriously, rubbing his chin thoughtfully and looking skyward. “I’m not sure, Emmett…honestly I’m more concerned with all the broken tables and holes in the walls. Bella and Edward seem to have an aversion to beds…”
“Is this what this whole outing is about?” I asked sourly. “Our ‘male bonding’ time? Making fun of me for not being a virgin anymore?”
Emmett shook his head sadly. “That really was pathetic, man.”
I scowled. “I’m glad I waited for her,” I muttered, thinking back briefly on my wedding night. At the time, that had seemed like the best night of my existence - to be with the one I loved more than anything; mind, body, and heart, completely and totally together, even if I was restraining myself every second to not hurt her. Not that I completely succeeded, either, a thought that still made me wince, even if insisted she hadn‘t felt the pain. I swear, the woman is completely insane, and yet I’m madly in love with her. Maybe that said something about me too.
But anyway, that had been the best night of my existence. Until my wife’s first night as one of us, where I didn’t have to hold back, where I didn’t even have to stop. That was the best. And every night since then - minus the nights I went without her over the fear and anxiety of the Volturi inquisition - had just gotten better.
I loved her so much. I wanted her.
“Earth to Edward? Hello? Why do you have that big, stupid grin on your face?”
“I’ll give you one guess, Em,” Jasper smirked, his eyes glittering mischievously when I broke my day dream enough to notice.
“Ah, dude, you’re hooked,” Emmett smirked, the maniacal glee unhidden in his dancing eyes. "You almost make me embarrassed to be around you."
Yeah right, I heard him think. But I know he gets the point.
“Okay, are we going to hunt or not?” I asked irritably, trying to ignore him and his stupid commentary, raising my nose in the air and sniffing through all the scents to look for one suitable enough. I loved my brothers, I really did, but I wanted to get back to my wife. And my daughter.
My daughter. My…daughter. My. Daughter. I was a father.
Proclaiming that to Aro, to everyone really, had been…unbelievable. That she was really my little girl, my baby, mine. I was a father. It was still hard to wrap my mind around that. I had a family. Not just a family. A family with the only woman I could ever love, a path I thought impossible. Everything I wanted. And I had it.
It was a thought that was enough to leave me choked up to the point where speech left me.
Renesmee was amazing. How could she not be, with her mother being who she was? They were the most amazing women in the world, in my opinion. Nessie was intelligent, adorable, and completely unique. Everyone was wrapped around her tiny, capable finger. It never surprised me - she really was her mother’s daughter, though Bella insisted that most of it was me. Admittedly, when she rolled her eyes, I could see myself in her. And our faces were similar, and the hair color. But her eyes and her beauty and her wonder came from my other half.
Eventually, I had to snap out of my thoughts as Jasper, Emmett, and I split up, finding scents most perferable to us and launching ourselves after them. The lions were easy to find for my trained nose, and even easier to kill and devour. In no time at all, I was wiping my mouth lithely and checking the watch on my wrist. I’d been away from home for hours now. I wanted to get back.
I didn’t bother telling Jasper and Em where I was going, because no doubt they would figure it out. They knew the pull to their wives was strong. And I had even more than that. I had a pull to my child as well. Truly, I was defenseless.
We had come a long way from home, and as such, we’d taken our cars because it was faster. Er, rather, I had taken my car, Emmett had taken his Jeep, and Jasper had taken his motorcycle. It was pretty apparent we were going to leave at different times.
I pulled out from the remote wooded area we had come to to gorge ourselves on animal blood, and “spending time together”. Honestly, I think we’d spent maybe twenty minutes conversing pre-hunt. This whole thing was a waste of time. All Emmett and Jasper wanted to do was make fun of my new sex life. I couldn’t really complain though, because at least it meant it was there…Oh, it was so very there…
The wheels of my Volvo found the smooth asphalt of the highway soon enough, and I was speeding along the nearly deserted stretch of road, always keeping one small part of my mind attuned for the rare cop that might be waiting to give the lone speeder a ticket.
I glanced at the time and saw that, keeping to the speed I was, I could be home in half an hour, or better. Maybe even twenty minutes. The thought made my dead heart swell, and a sense of excitement and anticipation course through me.
But I didn’t expect my cell phone to ring, breaking me rapidly from my thoughts. In my pocket, I could feel it vibrating against my thigh, and I sighed, assuming that it would be Jasper, or Emmett. Maybe they didn’t piece together where I was…
“Hello?” I answered, my voice a shade sharper than usual. They could use their brains every once in a while, instead of snapping me unwillingly out of my fantasies. It wouldn’t hurt them.
“Oh, and what did I do to deserve that tone?” came the most beautiful voice in all of existence, even through a cell phone. Beautiful, magical, like the rising wind carrying the melody of a thousand bells and angels playing freely in the most peaceful garden this world could offer. The apparition of grace in the merry fields.
“Bella,” I breathed, and I could hear the adoration and worship in my own voice. This beautiful goddess who sang for me. “I thought you were one of my brothers. My apologies. Is anything the matter?” I asked, wondering why she would call if she thought I was hunting. That usually hinted toward something important.
“Nope, nope, just wondering if you would pick up,” she answered brightly, the happiness in her voice making me smile hugely, a fact I didn’t even realize until I glanced in the rear view mirror. “We just wanted to say hi.”
“’We’”? I asked then, and another voice came on the line. The second most beautiful thing in existence, all wind chimes and delicate flower petals dancing on the wind.
“Hi Daddy!” came the voice of my little baby, though she grew by the day. “When are you going to be home?”
“Soon, precious one,” I murmured, smiling softly. “Just give…Daddy a few minutes. I’m in the car.”
“That’s fine, we can still use him,” I heard Bella say, her voice not as loud as it would be if she were speaking directly into the receiver, so I knew she was standing next to our daughter, perhaps holding her. I imagined the scene briefly with bliss before I turned my attention to her sentence.
“What do you mean, ‘use me’?” I asked suspiciously, though I wasn’t too worried.
“Well, we were watching TV today,” my lovely angel said, her voice coming on stronger as she took the phone from our little girl and placed it to her own ear, I’m presuming. “And we have found an interest in pick up lines. We’re going to use you to practice them.”
“Why do you need to practice?” I demanded, though I felt no real outrage. Nessie was only a year old, though her body was that of a five year old. There was no one she needed to ‘pick up’. It seemed undeniable at this point that Jacob would be the one she would end up with for eternity anyway - and he was already wrapped tight to her will.
“Why don’t we need to practice, is the real question here Edward,” she giggled, and I felt the same thrill I always do when she said my name. Low, subtle, but there. “No, we’re just having fun. Of course…” Her voice suddenly turned mischievous. “We could always use Jacob, if you want. He’s pretty close by.”
“No!” I said a bit quicker than perhaps I needed to. “No,” I repeated, more calmly. “Go ahead.”
I heard both the women of my life snickering together before Nessie started. “Was that an earthquake, or did you just rock my world?”
“Earthquake,” I confirmed seriously. I could practically hear her pouting.
“Not impressed, is he?” Bella murmured, and there was silence before she said, “Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?”
“Yes, Santa’s lap is always ready love, any time you want,” I smirked, and I heard her try to muffle her giggle.
“Unbelievable, hot stuff.”
“Okay, okay,” Nessie said impatiently. “Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.”
“I think you’re actually supposed to stop and let me ask, ‘No, why’?”
I heard her let out a tiny, baby growl of frustration and I bit my lip, grinning, as she started again. “Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?”
I couldn’t resist the booming laugh that left me as Nessie said the word ‘sexy’ in her high little kid voice; it was too good.
“Where’s your mother?” I chuckled. “She’s not trying to pick me up anymore?”
“I don’t think anything I could use would be age appropriate,” I heard her smirk, and I immediately sobered up, my mind going a million miles a minute. “But I’ll try to reel it in. Is your last name Gillette because you’re the best a …man…can get…Oh never mind, that’s for guys. Okay, hold on! How about this one…Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.”
“I’m pretty irresistible, it’s true,” I said solemnly.
“Edward, I’m going to hit you when you get home. Alright, sweetie, you try,” she said then to Nessie.
“My aunt is psychic, and she had a vision of you giving me your number.”
“But we live in the same place.”
“Work with us here!” Bella snarled as Nessie giggled. “Or we’ll find someone else.”
“Okay, okay!” Nessie laughed. “Was your mother a gardener? Because your armpits smell like fruit.”
“I’m hanging up now.”
“N - !”
But I hit end anyway, because I was pulling in to the garage. I guess Nessie’d been too hung up in the conversation to realize it.
I looked toward the connection door for the garage and the house and saw my daughter and my wife flash into place there, Nessie looking illegally adorable in her little pink skirt and matching turtle neck, and my wife looking…well, illegally sexy, as always, in her form fitting jeans and silky camisole.
“Daddy!” my daughter exclaimed happily, and launched herself in my arms after I’d shut the car door, her hand immediately going to touch my face and replaying the laughing images of her and her mother as they chatted with me on the phone. I smiled down at her.
“Edward,” another voice purred, strong, slender arms wrapping around my waist from behind, a head nestling into my back. “Did it hurt?”
“Did what hurt?” I asked, distracted, looking away from the girl in my arms and over my shoulder at the woman I loved.
“When you fell from heaven,” she said, unable to keep a straight face as she burst out into giggles. Nessie joined her, her tiny arms wrapping around my neck as she buried her smiling face into my shoulder. I felt surrounded and comforted; safe and whole.
“Are we still continuing this?” I asked, letting a touch of annoyance color my tone.
“Yes!” they said together, and then started firing off pick-up lines one right after the others, leaving a very bewildered me.
“I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.”
“If looks could kill you’d be a weapon of mass destruction.”
“Kiss me if I’m wrong, but is your name…John?”
“Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only TEN I see.”
“You look so sweet you’re giving me toothache.”
“Do you have a sunburn, or are you always this hot?”
“Let’s make like fabric softener and snuggle.”
“Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in your eyes.”
“You look a lot like my next boyfriend.”
“Can you empty your pockets? I think you stole my heart.”
“I don’t know if you’re beautiful or not; I haven’t gotten past your eyes yet.”
“Was your father a hunter? Because you’ve captured my heart.”
“Hey, hey, hey! Can we…can we stop? You two are really starting to scare me.” I was pretty sure my eyes were going to be frozen this wide.
“But I’m trying to pick you up Daddy,” Nessie said sweetly, snuggling in closer to my chest. “Momma says you’re the best.”
I smiled at Bella over my shoulder, and she smiled back lovingly, nodding. “It’s true.”
“Alright, I’ve got one last line! It’s perfect, okay?” We waited while she took a deep, theatrical breath. “Do you need a bathroom? Because your eyes are the prettiest shade of pee I’ve ever seen!”
There was a moment of complete silence where she just beamed at me, before my wife collapsed against my back laughing, and I glanced, annoyed, over my shoulder to the darkening sky.
“Alright, it’s your bed time,” I said flatly, turning around and maneuvering around my incapacitated love to start a quick sprint for the cottage.
“But…why?” Nessie asked, her voice heart breakingly taken aback.
“Because it’s your bed time,” I repeated, my voice softening involuntarily. I opened the cottage door and took her to her room, laying her down in her tiny little princess bed, a necessary adjustment from her crib.
“Can you do me a favor and never, never, never use pick up lines again?” I murmured against her forehead as I kissed it goodnight, tucking her up nice and warm like I used to do for her mother.
“Fine,” she mumbled, disgruntled, snuggling into her pillow. She cast an eye up at me before raising her fingers up to touch my face. A big heart filled my vision.
“I love you too,” I whispered, and rubbed her back until she fell asleep a few minutes later. Behind me, in the doorway, I could feel Bella watching and waiting.
I took her hand when I passed her and dragged her into our room. “Why did you introduce her to pick up lines?” I groaned. “That was a bad idea.”
She giggled. “It seemed pretty damn amusing to me. ‘Prettiest shade of pee’…Priceless.”
I glared at her as I sat down on the bed, her standing in front of me. “Never. Bring that up. Again.”
She shook her head, grinning. I decided to change the subject. “Hmm…” I pondered aloud. “What were you saying about pick up lines that weren’t age appropriate?”
She stared at me, before her face broke out in a wide, mischievous smile.