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Love is a War

Love is like war ~ easy to start, hard to end, impossible to forget. They meet, they fall in love, they have to part. He promised to contact her, but never did, she promised to wait for him. A year later they have to live in the same residential community. She is hurt, broken. He wants her back. *lemons* - very OOC BannerFans.com


11. Chapter 11: Need (part 2)

Rating 5/5   Word Count 7916   Review this Chapter

A/N: Bla... bla... bla...

!!!Edward Cullen Song... you will LOVE it. I promise!!! Go and check it out before you read this chapter! It is worth it!!!

www (dot) youtube (dot) com/watch?v=qv6BEOjZBFo

And now...



Chapter 11: Need (Part 2)


Incubus, Love Hurts

Tonight we drink to youth
and holding fast to truth
don't want to lose what I had as a boy

My heart still has a beat
but love is now a feat
as common as a cold day in LA
Sometimes at night alone I wonder
Is there a spell that I am under
Keeping me from seeing the real thing

Love hurts
but sometimes it's a good hurt
And it feels like I'm alive

Love sings
When it transcends the bad things
have a heart and try me
'Cause without love I won't survive

I'm fettered and abused
Stand naked and accused
should I surface this one man submarine



The window was open and with one swift movement I was inside.

She must have been awake after all because as soon as she heard the thud from my entrance she stood up and made two steps to the door. No, that wasn't going to happen.

Quickly I was at her side and pressed her against the wall. I started attacking her collarbone with my lips working my way up. My hands were all over her body feeling her soft skin, gripping and tugging what I knew I would touch for the last time and wanted to claim as mine even though I knew I couldn't.

I brought one of my hands up and squeezed her right breast and with the other one I gripped her ass hard. So soft, so firm, and yet completely useless.

I pressed myself harder against her.

“You want me to show you how much you mean to me? You want to be fucked in the cruel way you deserve to be?” I asked her then, not awaiting an answer, and kissed her hard on her lips, parting them in the procedure and sliding my tongue in her mouth. So sweet, so right and yet so fake.

I heard her moan and shudder and that only added to my anger.

So that was really what she wanted. It really was only about this for her.

By hearing that sound coming out of her I couldn't resist to press myself even harder against her. That's what she wanted wasn't it? Why not give it to her?

I brought the hand that was previously on her breast to her head, buried it in her hair and then drew on it hard to pull her face harder against mine. My other hand was still on her ass, gripping it and pushing her against me. I could feel how with every whimper she let out I grew harder and harder.

When I finally needed to breath again I released her mouth and my lips traveled to her collarbone and neck where I was sucking and biting her hard. She cried out in pain and my other hand flew up and covered her mouth. I was pretty sure nobody could hear us since nobody else was on this floor, the door was closed and they were probably all sleeping, but I didn't want to risk it.

Bella then cried out.

She liked it. She liked that I was so rough with her. I was so right.

“That's what you want, isn't it?” I roared at her. “Well, you don't have to wait anymore. You'll get it and then it's over!”

And it was so true. I would give her what she wanted. I would give it to her and then toss her aside like I did with every other woman.

I pressed my lips against hers again but she struggled to get free.

How dare she?

I tightened my grip on her. I broke the kiss and said, “No. You are going to obey.”

“I am not! Get off of me!” she shouted back.

She wanted to play with me? I was in no mood for her little games. I knew as much as she did that she wanted that.

I slammed her against the locked door.

“Yes, you are,” was the only thing I answered before taking one of her legs and wrapping it around my waist. As soon as I let go though she tried to lower it again, probably to be able to turn around and leave the room, but I wouldn't have that. I placed my hand on it again and held her leg in place.

My lips found her skin again and I started to suck on it while I brought the hand that was still on her ass to her hip and then to the inside of her thigh. She let out a small yelp when I touched her there and it made me want her even more, if that was even possible. My mouth traveled up to her lips and I silenced her this way.

My left hand traveled higher and I stopped by the edge of her dress. She was panting by now so I took a step back and watched her.

I took in her appearance and smirked at what I saw. “You played your role good, you know? I was foolish enough to let you in; to believe you. To believe you were innocent and something special. How could I be so stupid? The way you move, the way you speak, the way you dress. Everything shows clearly what you are.” I laughed darkly and shook my head at my own stupidity. It was always laid out in front of me, right in front of me, and I still couldn't see it. And not only had she fooled me, but everybody else too.

How could I possibly have believed that she loved me? How?

She did never do something to prove it. She never claimed she did.

And I, the fool that I am, believed it. Believed what did not exist and thought of it as natural and certain.

I had given her myself. I had decided to change for her, to try.

She was the only one I ever loved, I ever opened up to.

She was the only one who ever went against me.

And now as if nothing had been, she was here. Not fighting me back. Why didn't she fight back more? Why didn't she try to free herself, put effort in it?

That is right. Because that was what she wanted all along.


The gang and I were walking along the beach. It had been a nice day so far. We talked a lot, played some games, joked with each other.

Emmett had a goofy grin on his face and I couldn't but wonder if it had something to do with the fact that he disappeared today in the morning together with Rosalie. I glanced at her and she had the same stupid grin on her face.

Alice walked next to Bella. Well, she more like bounced next to her, occasionally clapping her hands together when Bella said something she liked or was hit by a great idea. I didn't know where she found all that energy.

Bella was listening to whatever the small pixie was saying. She would nod every now and then, sometimes even answer her.

The more time we spend together, the more engrossed I became with her. Ever since our very first meeting I couldn't take my eyes off of her. Every move she made, every thing she said, every thing she looked at, I found interesting. I found myself engrossed in whatever she said. I never did that. Ever.

I found out that although she came over as the clumsy, shy girl I first met, that embarrassed herself at any chance she got, in reality she was very interesting, not that shy and way more clumsy than I first thought. She simply had to trust others first, before she could open up to them and feel at ease.

But it wasn't only that that Bella had to her. After she opened up to me, we became closer. Yes, we may have argued all the time about things and she may have had always the opposite view from me, but it was still nice to be with her. Just her presence. To be able to talk to her. That alone made me look forward to our meetings in my room. And the last couple of meetings went better than I thought.

We were apparently together now. No, we were together now. I don't know what she thought of that, but for me it was certain. I craved to touch her all the time we were together and after getting to do that I couldn't stop. All that mattered to me, all I was looking forward to all day long was to finally be able to be alone with her. To spend some time simply talking to her, cuddling her. I would do that all the time, if she weren't very cautious of that. I don't know why, but she somehow didn't feel at ease with Alice knowing. So we kept it our little secret.

The truth is, that as nice as we might spend our time together, as much as we might laugh together and as much as her eyes might sparkle during that time, there was always a hint of sadness to them. I didn't know why. But I was also afraid to ask.

Alice squealed then and brought me out of my thoughts.

“Aaaagh! That'll be sooo cool Bella! I promise you won't regret that! I promise!” By the time Alice had said all that Bella was crimson because of the attention they both had gotten from everyone in a 5 mile radius. Yeah, Alice did scream that loud.

“Shh Alice! We are not alone here!” Bella begged her.

“Yeah, whatever. You go playing now... I need Rose!” Alice said and turned around. “Rose!” she screamed.

“What,” Rosalie answered in a indifferent voice.

“You, me, planning. NOW,” Alice said, took Rosalie by her arm and dragged her back to the dorm they stayed in. I noticed Emmett running after them. God, he was so whipped.

They were all gone and that meant I would have some time alone with Bella again. Good.

I turned to face her but she wasn't there anymore. I caught a glimpse of her beautiful brown hair though and followed it.

Bella looked kinda sad and I wanted to go over to her and soothe her, ask her what it was that kept her mood down, but then I heard a muffled sob.

But it wasn't Bella's.

No, Bella must have noticed that sob too, because she stopped where she was standing and made her way towards the direction where that sob came from.

I stayed behind, not wanting to interfere.

I could still see her though and hear her clearly. Bella went to a small boy that was sitting and crying under a tree.

“Hey,” she said to him.

The boy looked up at her but continued to cry. Soon he lowered his head again.

“Hey,” Bella said again. “I'm Bella.” I think her voice broke here a little bit but I couldn't be sure.

The boy finally looked up to her again.

“Hi,” he whispered.

“What's your name?” Bella asked the boy with a very soft, yet concerned voice.

“Riley,” he answered when another sob escaped him.

“Hi, Riley. How old are you?” she asked him then and sat down next to him.

“Six,” he sobbed.

“Mhm... you know Riley, six is a beautiful age. You don't stay six forever. You shouldn't waste your time crying. You should be laughing,” Bella said and gave him a small smile as if to encourage him.

“But I don't feel like laughing.” Riley answered.

“Mhm,” Bella said only. She didn't pressure the boy. She waited for him to tell her what he wanted her to know. She was so nice to him, so patient. I don't think there were many girls like her, that would go to a small strange boy and talk to him, try to soothe him even though they didn't know why he was upset. Most people would simply walk by, they wouldn't even turn around to see who it was, glimpse to see if he was hurt or something.

“I lost my mommy,” Riley answered a little bit later.

“You lost your mommy?” Bella asked. She was clearly shocked by what the boy said, as was I.

“Yes. She was here with me, and now she isn't anymore,” Bella sighed in understanding.

“Well Riley, you didn't loose your mommy, bur your mommy lost you,” she said then.

Riley didn't answer, he just started crying harder.

“What is it Riley?” Bella said her voice breaking. Why was Bella so sad now? She was so understanding, so kind. To a complete stranger. She was so caring and sympathetic.

Riley looked up at her. “Nothing.”

Bella shook her head. “No, Riley, you are keeping something from me,” she said with a sterner voice.

“I did loose my mommy,” Riley said then.

“No, you didn't. Your mommy lost you,” Bella said again to him.

“No, my mommy left me here, I lost her,” the boy said and Bella let out a breath. Same did I. How could his mother have left him here? Alone?

I heard a sob, but this time it was Bella's not Riley's.

“Why are you crying?” Riley asked her. Yes, why was she crying?

Bella stretched her arms out for him and he went and sat in her lap. How I wanted to be there for her now. But I couldn't suddenly appear from nowhere. And maybe she would open up to Riley now. I couldn't interfere.

“Because I know how you feel, Riley,” Bella said then.

Bella knew how Riley felt? What did that mean?

“What do you mean? Did your mommy leave you here too?” Riley asked her when he nuzzled his head in her neck.

Bella tried to chuckle, but it came out again as a sob.

“Yes. I mean, no. Not exactly.”

“I don't understand.”

“My mommy did leave me. She just didn't leave me here you know? She... left me in another way.”

“Is she dead?” Riley asked her. I was amazed that he was so young and knew about that. But I was also curious to find out about Bella's mom now. Bella had never once told me that her mother was dead. But then again we didn't talk much about our families.

Bella shook her head again. “No.”

“Then how did your mommy leave you?”

“My mommy...” Bella chuckled dry this time. “Well, it's a long story, Riley.”

“I want to hear it.” Same did I.

“Well, my mommy and my daddy... they were together. And then, when I was younger than you and not this strong,”she said chuckling a little bit trying to lighten the mood but clearly failing as the chuckle turned into a sob,” my mommy left my daddy and took me with her.”

“Yes, but she took you with her. So why do you cry?”

“Because she left me later, you know?” Bella told him. “My mommy and I were living in Phoenix. And at first everything was okay. She was nice to me and told me she loved me, but somehow... it didn't seem true. My mom... she was weird. She would bring men home and be with them and she would tell each of them that she loved them, so the thing that she told me she loved me lost its value. Do you understand me so far?” Bella asked him.

Riley nodded and Bella continued. “And then, when I became older, my mommy settled with a new man, Phil, and... she started... being different.” Bella looked as if she wanted to say something else but didn't. “She didn't kiss me goodnight anymore, nor did she tell me how much she loved me so often. She didn't spend as much time as she did with me and... she told me that it was my fault, you know? That she and my daddy weren't together anymore. She said... that because of me they started to argue all the time and that hadn't I been there everything would be better. And that now, because of me she was arguing with her new... with... Phil.” Tears were streaming down Bella's face.

Riley wiped them away with his hand.

“What did happen after that?” Riley asked.

Bella quickly composed herself and started talking again.

“Well... after that, my mommy and I... and Phil... didn't talk much to each other. Especially not with Phil. My mommy... she married him when I was ten, that means I was just a little bit older than you by then, and... well,” Bella said with a sigh, “things started getting only worse after that. I can't tell you exactly what happened, you know, you wouldn't understand, but... I had to go to the doctor after that and... my mommy... she thought I was crazy. And... she left me. She... she sent me back to my daddy when I was thirteen. And since then... we... we didn't talk. I don't even know where she is.”

Riley was still looking at Bella when she started to sob again. I ached to go to her and try to soothe her but it was to early, she looked as if she wanted to say something more. Riley was faster though.

“Are you here with your daddy now?” he asked her.

That lightened Bella's mood a bit and she chuckled. “No,” she said and shook her head. “I am here with... some very good friends.”

“Bella?” Riley said then. “Your mommy was stupid.”

Bella laughed at that. “Yeah, she probably was.”

“Your dad must love you,” Riley stated then.

“Yeah, um, he does.”

“And your friends too.”

Bella smiled then, “Yeah, they do.”

They cuddled together and Bella started running her hand through his hair.

“Riley,” Bella said after a while.

“Mhm,” he answered.

“Is your daddy near?” Bella asked him.

Riley shook his head no. I could see how upset Bella was.

“Where you here alone with your mommy?”

“No, my auntie was here, too,” Riley answered. He was very sad again.

“Good. We will find her ok?”

“Mhm,” he said and started crying again.

Bella just sighed and pulled him closer to her. “It'll get better, Riley. It will.”

“H-how...can you be...so...sure of it,” he managed to get out between sobs.

“Because I have lived through that Riley,” she said in a soft, soothing voice, though you could clearly hear the tension in it.

“But you had friends.”

“No, Riley. I found friends. And if you don't have some, what I don't think, you are such a great little boy that you surely have some, you will find them in the future. And you'll not only find great friends, but you'll also meet a lovely girl that will support you, make you want to live every second to its full extend and love your life. Sure you'll always remember what has happened, but that one girl as well as your friends will help you get over it,” Bella said and smiled down at him.

“Did you find that lovely girl?” Riley asked. He was such an innocent little boy. I had to chuckle at his thoughts. Shit, would they know I was here now?

Bella did chuckle too. “Well, not exactly, you know. I did found somebody to spend my time with, and he really means very much to me... but he's not a girl,” she said still smiling.

It was nice to hear that from Bella. To know what I meant to her. That she felt at least something for me. She wouldn't lie to a small child after what she said to him, would she? No, she wouldn't.

“Come on Riley. Do you know where you stayed? I mean, in which hotel? We can find your auntie then, you know?” Bella asked him. They both stood up to leave when suddenly my cell phone rang. Shit!

Bella and Riley both turned to me. Bella just sighed and Riley looked up to her.

“How long have you been here?” Bella asked me then.

“Long enough,” I answered. Bella scowled at me but sighed then again and I went over to her and Riley and kissed her cheek.

Riley gave a disapproving look.

“You can't do that,” he said then, scowling at me.

“I can't do what?” I asked him.

“Kiss her!” he half shouted. He had a look on his face as if he thought it was the most normal thing that I wasn't allowed to kiss her.

“Um, why not?” I asked. Bella did already chuckle.

“First,” he said and showing to me one of his fingers, “Bella has a special boy, that she very much likes. You can't come and kiss her like that! She likes somebody else! And secondly, if that with Bella and special boy doesn't work out, then she will be my special girl!” At the end he was half shouting and red.

Bella burst out in laughter. Same did I.

Bella then knelt next to him.

“Riley, this is Edward,” she said and then leaned in and whispered something in his ear. Riley's eyes became huge and he turned even redder if possible. He was just like Bella in this matter.

“I'm sorry,” he said then.

“No problem, champ. Do you want to go looking for that auntie of yours?” I asked him. He shot me a questioning look but other than that nodded.

He took my left hand and Bella's right. We walked like that along the beach for about an hour until we arrived at the hotel, that small Riley said his auntie was staying at. It was good that he had remembered the name. Strange, very strange for a six year old to know this much, but very fortunate.

During our way there I couldn't help but notice how great Bella had handled the situation. How she had approached him. How she had talked to him. What she said to him. The tone she used. Although she had to live through something like that by herself she didn't let that take her down and now she was helping another small kid that had lived through something like her. She was a strong, great person, a beautiful, unique soul. She was kind, caring, sympathetic, loving, funny, beautiful. She was perfect. And someday she would make a great mother.

The thought alone that she had to go through something like this made my heart ache. She was such a great person, how could somebody have caused her that kind of pain. I never wanted to see her hurt like this. I would protect her. Forever. Because this pure soul, this unique girl was too precious to be vasted like that, to have to go throught that kind of pain. I would not allow it.

Just then I registered, that I was completely in love with that girl.

Never had I felt something nearly as amazing as what I felt now. The thought alone of having feelings, this strong for her, skared the hell out of me. But it also made me fell warm and fuzzy and perfect and... in love.

I wated to give her the world in this moment. I would never be able to leave her. Ever. She may not know about my feelings for her yet, maybe she didn't even feel the same way, but she would. I loved her and that was all that mattered. And someday, she would have the same feelings for me I had for her, she would get the chance to speak to children like that all the time. But it would be our children. And I would be with her.

Bliss, pure bliss. That is how I felt.

“You are coming?” she asked with a smile when she saw that I wasn't following her after we handed Riley back to his overly thankful aunt.

“Yes,” I said, breathed in deep and gave her the crooked smile I know she liked. I went to her and kissed my love lightly on her lips.

That was it. That was perfection.


I don't know how long it took for me to remember, but I did. And I knew I couldn't continue. I was such an egotistical, self-absorbed, selfish, vain, ignorant person.

How could I have done this to her? How could I be this blind? This stupid?

She was one of the kindest, most selfless persons alive and I was about to destroy her. I was about to use her and make her one more of the many. Add her to the crowd.

No, that was so wrong of me.

I was the one to lead her to this point. I was the one to cause her to be like this

How could I have done this? Why? Why did I do this?

I was no better than her mother, than that Phil. I was no better than them. I was even worse than both of them together.

How could I expect from her to want me? Love me?

I was so stupid.

How often had I thought about her? Imagined how life would be with her? Dreamed of holding her? Waking up next to her? Being with her in any way possible? Yes, even if it sounds strange, I even wanted a family with her. Young or not, I had seen how great she had been with Riley and I loved her. I knew that she would be a great mother one day and I wanted her to be the mother to my children not to anybody else's. I had seen us. Me holding our little boy and her pregnant with our little girl. I had seen that all. I had planned it.

Why couldn't I have remembered that scene before I came in here? Before I started destroying whatever little hope, little happiness I had?

What had she done? She kissed James? God, I had kissed thousands of girls! I had! So what was it to that? It was nothing! And she was hurt! She was hurt because of what I had done! How had I expected her to react?

I was so stupid! So dumb!

She would never take me back now. Not after what I did to her.

And yet, there wasn't one thing that I wanted more than that now.

I wanted her to take me back. To love me. To want to be with me. To allow me to love her.

And I couldn't have that.

She wouldn't allow me. She wouldn't want me.

I gave up. I took another step back and I gave up. I fell to the ground and buried my face in my hands. All the rage I was feeling before, all the hate, all the hurt... everything was gone now, replaced by sorrow.

I would loose her.

I sobbed.

“Edward,” I heard her broken voice say.

I didn't look up. How could I look her in the eyes after what had happened? How could she even stand to be in a room with such a monster as me? Why wasn't she running from me?

“Edward, stop,” she said then.

What did she want me to stop? I had already given up hope, given up my life... what else was there to stop doing?

“Edward, talk to me,” Bella pleaded with me.

I lifted my head a little bit but still didn't look at her. I couldn't. I stared at my hands and started shaking my head from right to felt.

“Please, Edward,” her voice broke, then I heard a sob come from her.

Great now she was crying.

I noticed as Bella pushed herself from the wall and came and sat exactly in front of me.

“What do you want?”

I didn't answer her.

“Edward, tell me what do you want!” she yelled at me her voice still weak.

Slowly I lifted my eyes and met hers.

“What do you want me to tell you, Bella? What?” Was there anything else I could say? Was there something I could do to save the situation?

Her eyes watered even more and more tears dropped from her eyes.

Then suddenly she said “I hate you, asshole,” and she flung herself onto me. She landed on me with this much force that I fell back and hit the floor with my head, but I didn't care. As much disgusted as I may be with myself for what I was about to do, I couldn't not do it. I was a too selfish person, so I brought my arms around her and embraced her.

Bella was sobbing freely now onto my chest. Kissing in again and again.

How selfish was I too allow her something like that? Still, I did.

She sobbed louder and louder and I could feel how my shirt clung to my chest because of how wet it was at some places. Still I didn't care. I let her do what she wanted to.

I started kissing her hair. If that was how close I would get to her, then I would.

Bella started trailing her kisses farther up, over my collarbone and to my neck. It was the last thing I had awaited her to do, but I wouldn't stop her. I wanted that. I wanted to feel her.

I kissed her head repeatedly and as soon as her face for near enough to mine I put my hand under her chin and lifted it.

I looked into her eyes but didn't expect to see there what I did.

Her eyes had the same amount of hurt in them as mine. She was hurt, felt rejected... but there was also something else in there... guilt. A feeling I didn't want her to feel. I didn't want her to feel guilty. I was the one who destroyed everything, not her. She shouldn't be blaming herself for it.

But I detected also something else in there... a feeling I couldn't quiet place...

My selfish side took over and I crashed my lips to hers in that moment. I didn't give a shit about anything. The only thing that mattered was that she took the first step. She came to me, even if it was for a last time. She craved my touch, she kissed me. And fuck me if I didn't want to do the same to her more than anything. I wanted to worship her body and show her how much she meant to me. If it was the last time, then so be it. But I wouldn't let her walk away from me before I did it.

The kiss was heated from the beginning. Bella parted her lips for me right away. Our tongues battled for dominance, but I wouldn't let her have it. I was trying to enjoy and memorize everything about her. Her taste, her touch, her feeling.

Bella placed one hand behind my head pulling me towards her and I moved one hand to her waist and the other one to the base of her head pressing her even harder against me.

But still the feeling wasn't enough. We weren't close enough. My whole body was burning for her. She was my oxygen. Without her, there was no me.

Bella broke the kiss and looked me in the eyes. They were as red and strained form tears as mine were. Then she said what I would have never expected in a moment like this.

“Edward, make love to me,” she pleaded.

My heart swell with love for her. For the girl that I was holding in my hands. I looked in her eyes and found there nothing but want. She wanted this, just as much as I wanted it, and as selfish as I might be I would never take it from her without asking her first.

“Are you sure?” I asked her.

I watched as in her eyes happened a small fight, and then she nodded.

I didn't leave her much time. In a matter of seconds I stood up took her into my arms and carried her over to her bed. I lay her down carefully and then sat beside her.

Our eyes met and that moment alone hurt me. Because there was so much emotion in it, so much... love?

No, I couldn't let myself believe that.

I leaned down and started kissing her. I noticed her breathing pick up and started gliding my hand up from her ankle to her thigh, feeling her smooth skin there.

I had touched many women before, but none of them was like Bella. None of them made me feel the way I did now. I could barely keep it together.

I leaned farther down to her and rested my weight on my other hand, right beside her head.

Bella slowly brought her hands up and buried them both in my hair. We didn't stay this way for long, though. Bella soon moved her hands again and brought them to my shirt, starting to unbutton it. Before she had time to unbutton the first one I had my hands already on the zipper of her dress and tried to tug it down- without much success, so Bella quickly got up from the bed and opened her zipper. I watched as her dress fell to the ground and at the same time I had my own shirt over my head and on the floor and was unbuttoning my jeans.

Bella came over to me and knelt down. She slapped my hands away and released me from my jeans on her own.

Our movements were fast, ruled by lust and desire for each other.

I wrapped my hands around her tiny waist, picked her up and placed her next to me on the bed.

I started trailing kisses up and down her neck, sucking on her delicious skin, causing her to moan. Slowly I started kissing lower and lower until I got to her perfect, round breasts which were practically begging to be licked and sucked. And I of course couldn't not grand them this wish. I took one of them into my hand and started massaging it while I lowered my head to the other one and took her beautiful, pink, stiff nipple into my mouth. I started playing with it, running my tongue over it, sucking on it, twisting it, teasing her. I could feel both of them harden under my touch.

Bella once again buried her hands into my hair and started tugging on it, making me desire her even more.

Then I released the breast I was holding in my hand and let my hand travel further down, leaving light touches on her stomach that made her shiver.

Finally my hand reached the edge of her thong and traced its pattern... silk. I let my hand go farther down until I got to the place I was desperate to touch. As soon as I pressed my hand against it Bella moaned and arched her back.

I smiled.

No-one had ever affected me this way... even in this moment, even now when we were nearing our end with each passing second, she still affected me like nobody else ever had or ever would for that matter.

I started rubbing her and soon I found the place that she enjoyed the most. She was shivering and her legs started to tremble. Every time I would press against that certain spot, she would twitch.

Then I reached farther down and started running my fingers between her wet lips. This was almost my undoing, but I had to keep going. I couldn't be like that.

Bella's breath picked up more and more. I moved my fingers from her clit to her entrance, spreading the sweet moisture. She was wet and warm and I couldn't wait to finally be in her. Feel her warmth around me. It was something I had wished for for so long but never allowed myself to take ... now my wish would be granted.

“E-Edward,” Bella panted. Her skin was flushed and I could see that she wanted it too.

Slowly I pressed one finger inside of her and was overcome by the feeling. Sure, this wasn't exactly what I wanted, but it was so much farther than we had ever gotten. I had her in my hands now... and I would make her never forget it.

I pressed farther inside and Bella moaned and arched her back for more contact. I slowly started moving it in and out of her and massaging her wet, soft yet tight walls.

Then I added another one and sped my movements. I could feel Bella tightening around me and it was clearly that she was nearing the point I wanted her to get to.

“Edward,” she panted again.

I picked up my pace and went faster and faster. Then I slowly got up from the place I was sitting and spread her knees with mine. I crawled above her and between her legs.

“Soon,” I whispered, my voice low, and continued my work on her.

I never gave a shit if the girl was ready or not... it was always only about my own desires... but with Bella... even though I knew in what kind of situation we were in, I still wanted to please her first. To make this unforgettable for her.

I felt her walls tightening even farther and squeezing my fingers, so I pulled them out of her just before she reached her climax. I released her breasts and then asked her one more time if she was sure. As much as I wanted it to happen now, I couldn't take it from her just like that. As much as I intended to do it before... I couldn't.

Bella simply nodded and wrapped her legs around my waist.

I looked into her eyes a little longer and tried to see if there was anything there, even the slightest bit of fear, and I would stop. But there didn't seem to be anything but lust.

I quickly removed my boxers with the help of Bella and then I pushed her down as well. Bella lifted her ass to help me get them off of her faster and soon they too were just one more item making out the pail of clothes on the floor.

I was burning to be inside of her. To feel her around me. To feel her complete me. I had waited for this moment for so long, so so long...

I slowly lowered myself so that I was now positioned exactly at her entrance.

But was it the right thing to do?

What if she regretted it later? What if she thought of it as a mistake?

All negative thoughts went out the window the moment Bella kissed my shoulder and something like a electric jolt ran through my body.

I entered her the tiniest bit and immediately we both moaned at the contact.

I slowly started pressing farther into her, centimeter by centimeter. Sure I felt the urge to simply burrow myself into her, but not now... I couldn't... I had to make it right for her. I had to make it unforgettable.

“Edward, now,” Bella panted, but I didn't increase my speed, so Bella pressed me down with her legs.

She winced and I felt myself hit her barrier.

“Fuck,” she half screamed. “Fuck that hurt Edward!”

“I know, Bella. It will just a moment longer,” I answered and entered her with one swift movement.

“Shit!” she yelled when I tore the thin skin that symbolized her innocence. Innocence I had doubted.

As soon as I was completely inside of her, I groaned at the feeling of it and stilled. Never had this felt so good before. Ever.

I noticed a tear roll down Bella's face and I wiped it away. I didn't want her to remember her first time as painful. I wanted her to enjoy it. I wanted to bind her to me this way.

I didn't say anything else. I simply started moving when Bella nodded and gave me a little push with her legs. I lifted myself almost all the way out of her, until only my head was still inside of her and then slowly lowered myself into her again, filling her and feeling her take me completely in her. Engulfing me in her warmth.

I continued moving in her and after a little bit I noticed her skin flushing a little bit, her breathing picked up again and I knew that now she too felt the way I did.

Bella started lifting her hips and meeting each of my thrusts. With every single one she tightened more and more around me, causing me more and more pleasure.

Bella tightened the grip of her legs around me and I increased my speed. She was moaning each time I thrust into her. She arched her back, lifted her hips, meeting me each time and creating more of the friction we both needed now.

I could feel my stomach tightening and I knew that I wouldn't last much longer. I couldn't release before I brought her to her own release, though, so I grabbed a pillow and placed it under her waist. Then I took one of her legs and threw it over my shoulder.

The new angle allowed me to go deeper inside of her. When I pushed into her the next time I noticed her legs twitching more then before. I must have found her g-spot. I picked my pace up and thrust faster and harder exactly at that spot, making her cry out every time, moan.

Soon I felt Bella walls tightening around me so hard, that I knew she was almost there. Then she started clenching around me. Squeezing me, sucking me farther into her. Her muscles went crazy and her whole body was shaking. But I didn't stop I couldn't. I needed the contact. I needed her. I couldn't stop now and... and end it simply like that because I couldn't hold on anymore. I didn't want this to be like that.

I slowed my movements in an attempt to calm myself down. I was near to tears. That was it. After that there was no more us. It was over.

“Bella,” I moaned, pleading, when I began moving again, even faster than before. Bella answered each of my thrusts with one of her own. “Bella, please.”

Bella closed her eyes.

“Bella, please,” I said again, but this time my voice broke.

She wouldn't even look now at me. Not anymore.

Tears started running down her cheeks.

“Please, Bella, don't.” I couldn't have her leave me. Not now. I couldn't. I needed her. I wouldn't survive without her. I had to have her. How could I ever thought otherwise? Live otherwise?

I felt my own tears come to my eyes.

I continued thrusting into her. My movings didn't stop, neither did hers. But she still wouldn't even look at me. She would leave me.

“Please, baby, open your eyes,” I pleaded with her. “Open – them.”

Bella opened her eyes and looked me in the face.

“Please,” I whispered again. And there were so many things I was pleading her for. To stay with me, love me, forgive me... everything.

Bella simply shook her head, as if denying me all that.

“Please what, Edward?” she rasped out.

Our movements never stilling, I looked into her eyes. What was I supposed to answer her now? Tell her everything? Beg her?

“Please, don't leave me, Bella,” I said, barely audible.

Then she fell into silence, and I knew that this was it. I had lost her.

And I don't know what the feeling in me was in that moment... was I angry at her? Angry at me? Desperate? I don't know. I simply know that my speed picked up. I thrust faster and harder into her, making her pant harder, moan.

“Don't leave me! Did you hear me? Don't!”

Bella was crying now, sobbing. What was she thinking? Why was she crying? Was I really this bad? Did she really have this many regrets? I didn't know what to do or think at this moment. Everything in me was a mess. I couldn't build one rational thought. I knew only one thing what I needed to say her, because only she cold give me that... and it would be the one thing I was sure she would deny me. Still I had to ask her to.

“Bella, love me,” I whispered and kissed her, trying to bring over to her how important this was to me. I couldn't live without that. Not now that I experienced it. Even if it wasn't completely true.

Then I felt Bell's second orgasm hit her and she started clenching around me, squeezing me, sucking me farther into her again. I felt the tightening in my abdomen take control and I too I allowed it to take me over. I twitched and I came into her violently, biting on her shoulder.

I continued thrusting for a little bit. I didn't want this over, but eventually I needed to stop. I rested my head on her shoulder in exhaustion.

Panting hard, I lifted my head and looked her in the eyes.

We simply lay there, in each others arms, still connected in the most intimate way, simply staring into each others eyes for who-knows-how-long, dreading to say really anything and so remaining silent. Every word now, was one step nearer to the end... But I couldn't let that happen.

After our breathing calmed down, I decided it was time to speak. It was now or never.

“I am sorry,” I said in a pained voice.

“What for?” Bella asked her voice without much emotion.

“Everything, I answered her.

“Everything?” And I could see the wheels in her head starting to turn... but in the wrong direction. I could see it in her eyes what she was thinking and I had to stop it.

“It's not what you think,” I said but she didn't answer so I continued. “Bella, I am not sorry for the things you think I am.”

“No?” she croaked and I noticed how much this was hurting her too. Her facade broke down.

“No, you silly girl,” I said to her and gave her the crooked smile I know she loves and kissed her nose.

Again her futures turned to these of pure confusion. She didn't understand me right now... I had to make my point clear to her.

Bella started to push me away but I stopped her by putting one of my hands on hers and holding them in place.

“Bella,” I said and I could feel the sadness taking over in me again, “I am sorry for everything I did today. I am sorry for keeping this thing from you. But...”



Bla... bla... bla... I have written so many things in earlier A/N's that I can't come up with anything new to say now... so... you know... imagine the usual shit standing here (PS: Dangerous Liaisons is still leading) ^^

Oh and... don't hate me because of the cliffy! Next chapter is up!