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Love is a War

Summary:
Love is like war ~ easy to start, hard to end, impossible to forget. They meet, they fall in love, they have to part. He promised to contact her, but never did, she promised to wait for him. A year later they have to live in the same residential community. She is hurt, broken. He wants her back. *lemons* - very OOC BannerFans.com


Notes:


12. Chapter 12: I Can't Lose You

Rating 5/5   Word Count 9520   Review this Chapter

A/N:

Ok... so here is re-written chapter 12... I only changed some words in ch 13 and 14 so there is no real reason to re-read it unless you want to! ^^

Enjoy much awaited chapter 12!!!

~*~

Chapter 12: I Can't Lose You

~*~

Hoobastank, The Reason

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with every day
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

...

~*~

EPOV

“Bella,” I said her name, “ I am sorry for everything I did today. I am sorry for keeping this thing from you. But I thin-”

“No, Edward,” she cut me off, her voice broken. “Let... let me go,” she simply stated and I could feel how her breathing quickened once again.

But I couldn't let her go.

“Bella, we need to talk,” I answered, tightening my grip around her.

“And you think that this position is the right one to?” she asked.

What do I answer to that?

Yes?

That somehow sounded inappropriate right then, even if it was exactly what I felt like saying.

So I didn't answer.

Bella sighed and moved again to free herself from me. This time I didn't argue with her. She slowly let her legs fall from around my waist, blushing. I rolled to the side so that she could stand up. She looked at the pile of clothes on the ground and then grabbed my shirt and threw it over her. I didn't know if I should be happy with her choice of clothing or even more desperate. Why would she do it after all? To show me once more what I could have had but won't?

She then went over to her desk and and sat down on her chair. At the same time I got dressed again and started pacing the room.

“Bella-” I started to say, but stopped when I looked at her and saw that she was crying.

I went over to her and knelt in front of her.

“Bella, baby, don't cry. Please,” I pleaded with her.

How would I make things right now? I couldn't even start talking. All the time something, Bella's reactions specifically, did interrupt me.

Bella sniffed a little bit. She clapped her hand over her mouth and I saw some more tears rolling down her face. I couldn't stand it. I had to do something. I went to touch her cheek, but then Bella suddenly glared at me, her expression changing from one moment to the other. You probably could consider it a death glare.

“What do you want?” she kind of spat out. Her tone changed too. Had she made up her mind? Was she so sure of it, so hurt, that she wouldn't even gave me a chance to explain?

“I want to explain some things to you, Bella,” I answered. But even though I knew I had no right to, after what I had done, anger started rising in me as an reaction to the tone she used.

I didn't want it to end like this. I needed to explain. I needed her to know. I couldn't just let her go.

She shook her head 'no' and whiped her tear strained cheeks furiously with her hands. “There is nothing to explain, Edward,” she whispered. Then she looked me in the eyes and added, “not after what you did. What just happened.”

What I did.

What just happened.

“I didn't do anything to you that you didn't want.” I didn't. Even though I started out somewhat aggressive and without caring, had she not been cooperative I would have stopped. I did stop and then it was, who begged me to be with her. And I wanted it as much, maybe even more. Surely more... I needed to prove something to her. I couldn't lose her. Not now. I wouldn't let her.

She was silent.

Did she really think of it like that? Did she really already make her decision? Decided to cut me out of her life? Leave me? Did she want to start with her plan now?

I couldn't allow her to leave. I couldn't.

“Bella, you wanted this, didn't you?” I said through gritted teeth.

She asked me to! She wanted it, too! Yes, I did start it in a not so noble way... but then... then I stopped. I realized my mistake. I saw how wrong I was. I knew I couldn't do anything like this to her, so why? Why was she this way now? She asked me to. She wanted it! Wouldn't she have asked me... I had stopped. This wouldn't have happened.

She still didn't answer.

I groaned and shook her shoulder, “Bella, tell me that you don't think I forced myself on you. I didn't.” I was pleading with her now, though still angry.

Was that what she was thinking? That was so wrong... and so not the truth. It couldn't be. I wouldn't allow it to be. She asked me. She wanted it. I couldn't let myself think otherwise right now or I knew that I would give in.

The connection we had just shared... it wasn't one of dominance... neither of us did force himself on the other. It was a state of pure need. Pure need for each other. We used each other. To make us whole, make us feel the parts we were sure to lose. Her warmth, her moans, her touch, her look... everything. It was what I was trying to hold on to. And we both wanted it. We both needed it. That is the reason I agreed to it.

“What do you want me to think, Edward?” she finally asked. “What? How does it look to you?”

“I didn't force myself on you! You were willing!” Was that really what she thought? God, I hoped she was really willing and didn't do all this to please me. Why would she after all. And why, why, why, why would she agree to it if she wasn't?

I know I had fucked up royally and that I wasn't exactly a saint but this? Did she really think I was this low? What... what was all that that had happened then? Didn't she ask me to? Didn't she approve of it every time I looked into her eyes. What was happening now? Was she trying to blame everything on me, so that I would feel bad and she could move on and continue with her life?

I was so confused! There were thousands of thoughts running through my head and I knew most of them were irrational and things she would never do. But I still felt hurt. I felt betrayed, even though I knew that it wasn't this way; that she didn't think what she was saying now, I had felt it. I had seen it. Bella was a horrible actress and during an act of such intimacy... you can't possibly hold up such a facade. After all she, too, had to be confused. This wasn't easy to deal with. I was sure that was the reason for her reaction... still this reaction caused my anger to rise... to boil over.

“Willing?” she asked again, her voice... hurt? She seemed as if she was thinking about something completely else... something not at all connected to what I was talking about now but I couldn't hold it in now... It was too late.

“Oh, don't you dare turn it around now! You were willing. You asked me to! You were reacting to everything I did to you! And don't tell me that you didn't like it.” Her face turned red. I couldn't say if it was more from anger or embarrassment, probably both.

“What does one thing have to do with the other?” she finally asked.

Nothing... everything...

There was only one constant... I can't lose you.

“It has!”

I can't lose you.

“Out.”

Out? What out?

“What?”

“Out!” she repeated taking a deep breath.

I can't lose you.

I shook my head.

“Get out of my room, Edward.”

I can't lose you.

“No, Bella. Not before you listen to me!”

“Listen to what, Edward? There is nothing to listen to, nothing to explain. What happened, happened. You can't change it! Now leave me alone. Isn't that what you were planning on doing all along?”

I can't lose you.

I wouldn't leave her alone. Not now. We needed to clear things between us.

I can't lose you. This thought... it was like a mantra repeated in my head. Over and over again...

“Can you please stop overreacting?” Shoot me now. Why can't I just shut up? Why do I always have to open my big mouth at the most inappropriate moment when I know that it is not important... when I know that there is only one thing I needed...

“Overreacting? Overreacting? Edward are you serious? I am the one overreacting? Look at you! Look at your reactions before you start talking about me! And add something else to your list! You are a fucking hypocrite!”

“I am what?”

“You heard me, Edward.”

I can't lose you.

“You are calling me a hypocrite? Me? Have you lost it?”

“Argh! Get out Edward! I don't want to deal with you right now!” she yelled. She then stood up and moved towards the door.

I can't lose you.

I stopped her by grabbing her shoulder.

“You are not going to run away. We have to face this now.”

“Ugh! Let me go!” she shouted and started kicking around with her arms.

I can't lose you!

“You listen to me now, ignorant bitch.” And she stopped. I was sorry I had to use expressions like that now, but if it was the only way to make her listen, I would. I couldn't lose her. “You are not going to run away now. No more of that. We have to clear this up. And we have to do it now. We can't keep pretending and we can't keep hiding.”

I felt her shoulders shake, went to her bed and sat down with her on my lap. I loosened my hold on her a little bit and brought one hand up to her face and tucked a strand of her hair that had fallen in her eyes behind her ear. Then I smiled down at her.

I can't lose you...

Bella was crying now. Silent tears streaming down her face.

“Why?” she asked in a broken voice.

“Because I didn't know what else to do.”

I can't lose you...

She shook her head from side to side. I continued.

“Bella, please listen to me now,” I whispered. “I am so, so sorry, love.” A sob escaped her now, but she had to hear it. “I – I don't know, what to say.”

I can't lose you...

“Because there is nothing to say,” she whispered.

I was so lost. What was I supposed to do now? I wanted to clear things between us. I needed to. I had to. But I fucking couldn't! How do I explain everything to her now? How do I make her believe?

We sat there in silence for what felt like hours of awkwardness, but couldn't have been more than some minutes. Only one thing repeating and repeating in my head. Driving me crazy. Making me want to scream, to run, to hide. Because... it was inevitable...

I can't lose you, I can't lose you, I can't lose you...

“Edward,” she whispered then, “don't call me love.”

That hurt.

“Nor baby.”

Shit, I had fucked up for good.

“Bella, I-”

“No, Edward. Not after what you did.”

I can't lose you.

“Bella, I am sorry for today!”

“It's not only today!” she shouted again and stood up from my lap. Now she was the one pacing the room. “Edward, you can't call me baby and love when there are probably twenty other girls you also call these names. I am not going to be one of them. I am better than that!” She was right. She wasn't going to be one of that girls. She never was. She always was better than them. But the fact alone that she thought I would categorize her with the other girls, or that I had ever had feelings for one of them and that she didn't believe, didn't know how much I loved her caused anger to rise in me.

“Why would you think that!?!” I asked standing up too.

Still nagging in the back of my head the I can't lose you.

“Why? You are asking me why?” she asked with a bewildered expression on her face. “Edward are you serious? I just found out that you have slept with everything that has a head and two legs and is willing to spread them for you while you were claiming you loved me! All the time you were telling me how precious I am to you and at the same time you refused to sleep with me, because I was 'to good for it' and then you come into my room right after I find out about everything and fuck me!” I cringed at her words. Put this way, it sounded really bad.

But I wouldn't let her get away with that. Something caused my recent behavior after all. A small voice deep in my mind told me I was it myself, but I choose to ignore it right now. I suppressed the I can't lose you.

“And what is with you? Don't you think you have to cut yourself a slice? Or do you think I act the way I do on my own? What was that with James? Was that the only way out you knew? You should have come and talked to me! Confronted me!”

“It's not like I haven't tried! I have told you so many times, Edward. I have demanded it, I have pleaded with you, but you said that you couldn't tell me just yet.”

“I did tell you, kind of.” I muttered under my breath, hoping that she didn't hear.

“What?” she asked shocked. Then she started laughing and shaking her head. “And you call me ignorant? Edward, you are so self absorbed! Do you even know that you are not the center of this world? That not everything is going to happen how you want it? You are a spoiled rich boy with an idea of nothing, that thinks that the word 'reputation' alone is enough to explain all his actions and win somebody's trust. Do you realize how sick that is? Edward you need to-” That was enough. I wouldn't listen to that shit anymore.

“I need to what, Bella? Tell me what! I can't believe you right now. Why am I wasting my time here? I should go. There is no way I can talk with you right now. You won't open your eyes no matter what. Maybe I was right. No, I surely was right. This was a game to you. You know what? Go call James. Call him and let him have his way with you, the way you wanted it to be from the very beginning.” I said in a mocking voice. I wouldn't sit around and listen to her. Not if she was to accuse me of things I'd done and picture herself holy.

Still every word I said was a lie... It wasn't what I thought of her. Why did I say all this? Why?

Again I fucked up.

I knew I had to be rational... but how could I? How?

I hurt her... I wanted her back... She hurt me... I still want her back. I hurt her again... and I DO WANT HER BACK!

I CAN'T LOSE YOU! - echoed through my head. Loud.

But what to do?

I was so confused. What was happening in me? What was happening with me? Why couldn't I form one rational thought? What was it she was doing to me? Why was all that happening? Wh-what was happening?

I can't lose you. I can't lose you. I can't lose you.

I was so lost... So... so... desperate. What was she doing to me?

I wanted to yell at her and – if she wasn’t a girl – hit her to get out all of that built up frustration... but at the same time... I wanted to hold her to me, in my arms, never let her go. I wanted to kiss her again, tell her how sorry I am. Tell her how much I loved her, how much I love her. Tell her hat I don't want to let her go. Tell her how I saw everything... us married, me with our little boy playing and her pregnant with a little girl... tell her how I wanted this for us... how I wanted this for her. How I couldn't let her go... never.

I can't lose you.

I was confused. Would I have been having this thoughts at another moment, I would have probably institutionalize myself. Hell, I probably will when all this is over... What was I having now? An emotional break down rank A?

I can't lose you.

“Is that what you think of me?” she asked. I could make out hurt in her words, but her whole attitude so far showed the opposite.

But was that what I thought of her?

I had thousands of thoughts running around in my head right now, each one telling me something else about her. Some, the angry, furious, hurt ones, the thoughts that were ruled by jealously and were influenced by the recent events were screaming yes, trying to get me to answer her ‘yes’. But there were also other thoughts. The rational ones, influenced by my obsession with her and by the current flashback I had. How could somebody like the Bella from my memory behave like the Bella I just accused her of being?

I can't lose you.

“No, but that is what you think of me,” I finally said.

“Now you are the one running away, Edward. Why? Why don't you simply tell me what you think? Why do you keep hiding from me?” I stopped where I stood, realizing just then that I really had turned my back to her and was about to leave.

Had I really just done it?

I can't lose you.

Why was I turning my back to her?

I can't lose you.

I didn't turn around.

I can't lose you.

What could I have possibly said now? What? She was right. She was fucking right! On one side I accuse her of not facing the problems on hand, of not wanting to deal with them and on the other side, as soon as she opens up and starts thinking about them, starts accusing me of what I did, I decide that it is too much and I don't want to deal with it. What is it with me?

I can't lose you.

“Fine. Do what you want,” she said, her voice breaking, after I didn't move or say anything.

Suddenly and with no warning I spun around and looked at her. “You want me to do what I want?” I said, rage displayed in my eyes.

She looked frightened but didn't do anything. She simply stared at me.

“Well,” I started, “then listen!”

I went over to her, grabbed her by her arm once again and tugged her over to her bed. I pushed her down and with one hand cupped her chin and forced her to look up at me.

I can't lose you.

“You, you and you alone are the reason of all that,” I said then. Her eyes filled with disbelieve then anger. She went to look away from me but I hold her chin with more force. “Don't try to avoid it. Listen.

“I was fucked up, way before you came.” She went to open her mouth and say something but I wouldn't let her. Not before she heard everything I had to say first. “Really, I was. I was sleeping around, not caring about anyone or anything. I was living my life and I didn't care about anything else. As long as I had my fun I was alright.

“And then Bella you came into my life,” I said and looked intently into her eyes, “ and you changed everything for me. It didn't matter who I was, what I did and what I had. The only thing that mattered to me in that moment was you.” I was telling her my exact thoughts. The thoughts that were running through my ming the day I finally got to wake up next to her. “You were so pure, so shy, so beautiful. You don't know how selfish I felt for wanting you. For having everything and wanting the one thing I shouldn't have. For wanting to destroy your pureness. For wanting to have you with me, as mine, and with no one else.

“And believe me, I tried. I tried to stay away from you, but the more time we spent together the more I wanted to be with you.” I pinched the bridge of my nose recalling every thought I had, every feeling I felt towards her at that time. “The more I wanted to hold you in my arms and to never let you go again. I was falling for you Bella. But I knew I had to stay away from you. I couldn't destroy you like that, for selfish reasons. You deserved better. You still do,” I added the last part in a whisper. Bella was crying.

“But I was too selfish Bella and I am sorry for that. I really am. You deserved better and I was too self-centered and weak to stay away from you. I hid all this, all my past, everything I did and shouldn't have from you. I let you meet the 'me' I wanted to be. I used to be. I let you meet the lie. The 'me' that you would fall for, the 'me' you would like and be happy spending time with.” I said, literally pleading for her to understand.

“In the meantime I decided that you were too precious for me to just lose.” I said with a sigh. “I didn't want to leave you, trust me, I didn't, but I needed time to change. Yes, time to change. Because I knew you deserved better, you deserved me to be who I am and not a shell of my corrupted and destroyed self. You deserved someone who could share important, beautiful moments with you and nothing less. So I left. But I left with a promise. A promise I thought at that time I would be able to fulfill.” I looked down at her hand where my ring still was situated on her finger, then I quickly looked back at her. I brought one hand up and cupped her cheek. I didn't want her crying and the more I talked the more tears were rolling down her beautiful face.

“But Bella, the moment you weren't near me anymore, the moment I lost you from my side, I felt as useless and worthless as I was. I went back to the way I was, to the life I knew. And I thought I would be able to stay this way. I would be able to stay away from you and not look back. I tried convincing myself that all this was nothing more than a crush, and now I am laughing at myself for ever thinking that.” I traced her beautiful, lightly swollen lips with my thumb. She pressed them together and made an attempt to turn her face away from me. I sighed. Of course she wouldn't want me to touch her like that now. I had to make her understand how much she meant to me.

“Bella you are more than that, way more than that. And I found out. I realized it. I could suppress the thought of you, the feelings I had for you, but I couldn't deny it. I couldn't deny that I was craving your sight. The feeling of your skin on mine, the look of your smiling face, the sound of your beautiful voice, your laughter, the sparkle in your eyes when you were happy, that you still have and it had even intensified. Bella there were so many things about you I couldn't forget. Simply because you are unforgettable.

“And I was dead. Everywhere I went, I saw you. Every girl I spoke to, I saw you in. I know you don't want to hear this, but Bella, I was so fucked up, even everybody I fucked to come over you and forget you, I couldn't help but wish it was you.” She cringed lightly at my last statement, but it was the truth. I didn't want there to be lies between us anymore. She had to listen to it all, no matter if she wanted to or not or if she liked the truth.

“And yet I didn't change, Bella, I didn't. Not even for you.” I said, feeling the guilt rise in me again. A feeling I had gotten used to in the last year. “I was already so destroyed that the only thing I thought I could do was drag you into the same misery I am in. And I did. And Bella you don't know how sorry I am for that. You don't. But again I knew you didn't deserve that. You deserved more. Somebody who could be with you and love you and protect you and show you his true self. Not somebody like me. What could I give you Bella? What? Nothing Bella. There was nothing.

“So I didn't call you. And I stayed away. And I hurt Bella, yes I hurt and I was jealous and felt betrayed even though I had no right to. I felt jealous of Mike and of every other person that could come near you. Because I couldn't. Because they could see you and I couldn’t. Because they could see and hear you laugh and I couldn’t.” I hoped she could understand me. I really hoped. I was telling her everything. Really everything. I didn't know how I would deal with a rejection later. I had to try harder to persuade her and make her understand everything.

“And I was so selfish Bella, so so selfish that I couldn't stand the thought not knowing what was happening to you. I had Alice tell me everything. I am sorry, I know I shouldn't have. But it was the only thing that helped me stay away from you and not run to Forks and ask for you to forgive me and take be back. There are so many things I felt at that time Bella, I am not even able to explain them to you. I don't know what to say Bella. How to put them into words.” Bella snorted here, but I chose not to pay attention to that and simply continue with my rambling. She wouldn't look at me anymore, I wouldn't stop until she would and hear me out.

“When Alice told me about Mike,” she sucked in a breath, “honestly, I felt happy.” And she let it out as if something had hit her in the back causing it to leave her all at once. “I was so glad that you hadn't kept your promise that you moved on and lived your life the way you were supposed to, the way you deserved to.” She shook her head from side to side. “But at the same time I felt deceived and betrayed. What right did you have to do that? If you promised something you had to keep it, no matter what, even if you didn't know if I was keeping it. And there was the other part of me, that wasn't happy, mad or angry. Well, angry it was, but not at you. I was angry at Mike and I was jealous. Jealous that he was with you, that he now was holding your heart, was touching you and not me. And that thought alone was driving me crazy.”

I couldn't stand it anymore. I couldn't stand telling her all that and having her mumbling things so low under her breath that I couldn't understand them. And even more I couldn't stand having her look away during it. I wanted to see her face while I was explaining myself. I wanted to look into her eyes and get lost in them.

I CAN'T LOSE YOU!

With my hand I slowly moved her head so that she was looking at me. I didn't loosen the grip on her chin. I knew that as soon as I would she would turn her head around again, keep smirking, cringing, making grimaces, crying, or whatever else she was doing without me seeing. And that I wouldn't allow.

What I wasn't prepared for though, was the death glare she shot me and continued shooting me as I talked.

“And then you broke up with him and I found out you were coming to Chicago. And as if that wasn't more than I could have ever imagined, ever dreamed and hoped for, Alice arranged for us to live in the same house. You can't believe how happy I was. How full of joy.

“And then I went and destroyed every hope I had with the thing with Victoria. You understand Bella, it was all to hold you at distance. I simply couldn't have you near me, not when I knew what it would cause you. I wanted a clean break between us, Bella. So that you would decide that I was no good for you and that you wanted to stay away from me. Please Bella understand that.” But I could see how she was fighting it. It looked as if she desperately didn't want to understand me.

I CAN'T LOSE YOU!

“It was a fucking cycle, repeating itself over and over again and driving me crazy. I wanted to be with you, I wanted nothing more, but then I thought of the consequences and of the things that happened, our surroundings and I decided against it. Now I know that I should have never done that, but my selfishness and foolishness lead to that. I am sorry.” Why did I feel as if I was talking to a wall? I wasn't getting the response I was hoping for from her. I was starting to get angry now, again. At her for not responding, at all, at me, for not being able to make her understand.

“I should have told you right away, the day we were at the lake. I know that now Bella, I really do. But at that time I really didn't care. I thought I would find an opportunity to tell you myself and we would work things out. I didn't want it to turn out like that. Really. I wanted to tell you just some days later, but then you always woke up in the middle of the night, crying and being afraid that I would leave you and I didn't know how to prove to you that I wouldn't leave. That I would stick around no matter what. And you found it difficult enough to believe me that I loved you without knowing all about my fucked up state at that time.

“What would you have done if you would have known everything? You would have never believed me Bella. You would have shut me out completely and never listened to me. You would have never been able to understand me, to listen to me, to believe that I love you. I really do, even though I highly doubt that you believe me right now.” Every word I spoke was true. Completely true. And I could finally see that even though she wanted to turn me out and not listen to anything I said and surely not believe it, she couldn't avoid the honesty of that statement. Something had to come through to her.

I CAN'T LOSE YOU!

“And then you found out. You found in the worst way ever. And Jasper warned me, but I was just too self-absorbed at that time Bella. I didn't want to deal with the pain I would cause you, telling myself that I didn't want you to deal with it when I was only too afraid to be rejected by you. And everything Jasper said became true. You can't possibly know how I am feeling right now, how useless and unworthy of being in the same room with you.”

I CAN'T LOSE YOU!

“But Bella, no matter what you found out and how you did that, why didn't you come to talk to me first before meeting with James?” I asked her looking deep into her eyes again. I hoped she could see in mine what she needed to believe me, to understand me. I didn't know what else to do at that point. “And why James? Why not anybody else? Bella you don't know how rage filled I felt right then. You are the only person on this planet that I love so much. There is nothing and no one else I love the way I do you. I opened up to you, gave you my heart, exposed myself to you and you went with James? How did you think I felt?” And there I thought that I had made her see some sense. As soon as I mentioned James, there was the anger in her eyes and features again. Well done, Masen.

“And then, as if that was not enough, the moment I wanted to clear my thoughts you went off and said you loved me in the middle of our argument and ran away. I didn't even get the chance to stop you. When I had finally composed myself again, after hearing the words I waited so long for to come out of your mouth, you left.” I think I heard her mutter 'I know exactly why' but I couldn't be sure. I hoped I didn't hear it. “You left me standing there, crying out your name and didn't even turn around to look at me one last time. I was sure I had lost you. And everybody pointed that out to me, too. You don't know how protective they all are of you Bella. They would feed me to the sharks if that means you will be happy.” I don't know what made me but I had to chuckle at that statement. It was so true, I was afraid of it. Bella shot me another death glare, thought I could see her eyes water again.

I CAN'T LOSE YOU!

“And then I came here. And I couldn't stand the thought of losing you,” I chuckled dark at the voice in my head. “What I was sure I would. And so I started thinking of what else there was. What was there that I haven't given you yet, that you wanted. And then it dawned on me. The one thing, the only thing, that you wanted from me to believe me that I really loved you and that I would never leave and meant every word of what I said.

“And I have to say Bella, that I didn't understand you. How could you have wanted something like this? Why was this so important to you? Was physical attraction prove of love?” I had to say it. I had. Even if the holes she was staring now into me were going to be permanent. “I had done it many times Bella, this I am not afraid of saying, and to me it held no meaning. I didn't want you to want to be with me only because of that. I wanted you to be with me because you loved me and for no other reason.

“But at this moment, the moment I realized that I had lost you, that there was no way that you would choose to stay with me, I was lost. I didn't care. I wanted you to stay Bella, and if it was the only thing I could do for you to stay I would. If it was the only way to make you realize that I wanted you, I would. And it wasn't only that. Bella, that I never was with you in this way, didn't mean that I didn't want to. You don't know how much I wanted to, what your touch meant to me, the feeling of your skin on mine. I wanted to have it all. To feel it all at least once. Even if it was the last time I would do it ever. Even if it is the last time I ever did that.

“I don't regret it. And now you can hate me if you want to, you can slap me, hit me, punch me, kick me, leave me, whatever you want. But you have to know one thing, Bella. I do love you, you mean everything for me, you are my life, the reason of my existence. I will respect your decision, I will. But you'll have to respect mine. And I won't be sorry for my feelings for you. I won't be sorry for what we did today. I won't be sorry for what I said. And I surely won't be sorry for being with you today. What I am sorry for though is the way everything happened. I hope you can understand me.” I finally said.

Yes, she was still staring at me. And yes, her eyes were watering at the same time.

I can't lose you...

What was I supposed to do now? I had told her everything. Everything. So what now?

Bella simply continued staring at me for some more and I was sure that was it. She had her decision made and it was not to talk to me ever again. She seemed to be confused though, hurt and angry. I really had no idea what to do. I stopped thinking the moment I started telling her everything.

So I acted on intuition. Or rather my body did that, because I felt as if I had no control over what I was doing.

The hand that was previously in touch with her face and had fallen to my side again by now, slowly made its way back up to her face. I wanted to tuck another strand of her hair behind her ear as I was used to doing. It was an automatic reaction to whenever I saw one. I wasn't even thinking. But before my hand could reach her face, a hand came in contact with my cheek.

She slapped me.

She really really slapped me.

Well, at least that was something.

“Wha-” I opened my mouth to say but was as always cut off by her. I had to suppress the urge I felt to roll my eyes. Was there a time I wouldn't be interrupted by somebody and I would actually get the chance to say what I wanted to?

“Don't you say a word now,” she said in a serious tone. “I listened long enough to you rambling on and on about shit.”

What I had said was no shit!

“Bel-”

“No! You listen now to me, because as much as you might have tried I think you got some things wrong in that sick mind of yours.” Well, nice start.

“I don't know what made you think the things you do, Edward, and honestly, I don't want to know the reasons. I don't think I am able to deal with more shit right now,” she said and paused again.

She took a deep breath then and continued.

“But one thing is sure. I am not your property. I don't know what made you think so. What right did you think you have to decide over me?”

“I ne-”

“SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. When I am talking. I listened to your exasperate rambling and now you are going to listen to mine.” Her stern voice was scaring me. Never had I heard her using that tone. That must be the one women have to scowl their children. She sounded like my mother right now, only much more intimidating. Almost like Rosalie.

“How dare you decide for me? How? What made you think the things you did Edward? Why would you believe I was pure and you would drag me down with you?” she asked and stood up from her bed.

She walked to her closet and ripped the door open. I could hear her rummaging through something and I wondered what it was. I was too shocked with her actions right now to respond to any of her accusations.

Only one minute later she came out of her closed again, fully dressed in PJ's.

I was shocked. What was she doing? We were in the middle of a 'fight' as it seems – because I was sure that was what was going to happen as soon as got a chance to respond to everything she said – and she went and dressed herself? What was wrong with my shirt?

“Why are you staring at me, as if I have two heads or something? Only because I had to wear that because the thing Alice put me in can't even be considered as dress doesn't mean that I am going to actually stay in it. I want to feel comfortable.”

“Would you also like to brush your teeth? Or take a shower before we continue?” I asked sarcastically. I didn't know what to say. How could that thought have popped into her mind out of nowhere in the middle of whatever-we-were-in?

That girl would never stop to amaze me with her every move. I would never understand her.

“You know, that is a pretty good idea. And I probably would, wouldn't there be the possibility of you changing your mind to be honest and tell the truth as soon as you give all that a second thought. So thanks, but no thanks. I will wait until later,” she spat.

“Bella that is not temporary. I swear I will always tell you the truth.”

“I don't believe you, Edward. I have heard that one from you already and I have come to realize that nothing you say is completely true.”

“So you don't believe me?” I asked.

She slowly shook her head 'no'.

“That is enough. Bella! What do I need to do to make you realize what I mean? To make you realize what the truth is? Why can't you believe me? Why can't you trust me?”

“Because I trusted you Edward over and over again and every time you betrayed me once again! I don't know if I will ever be able to trust you again after that!” she shouted back at me.

Well, that stung. And I knew she was right. It was my fault after all and I knew it was coming. So what do I do now?

“Why can you believe the lie, but you can't believe the truth?” I muttered under my breath. I didn't mean for her to hear it but apparently she did.

Her expression softened as she spoke.

“Because I don't believe that there was a lie in the first place, Edward. You may have hidden your past from me, but your past doesn't make you who are now or who you were then for that matter. I don't know why, but I felt as if I would know you completely at that time. It didn't matter to me that you didn't tell me everything at that time, because neither did I and I knew that you would at some point. But what angers me the most, is that although you know who you really are you don't believe yourself, Edward!” I had lost her here already. What was she talking about?

“Ugh! Edward! Do you know what the cause of all that is?” she asked motioning with her hand around her room. It could have many meanings but I went with the situation we were right now in.

“It is you!”

Mhm, here we go again.

Again I wanted to open my mouth and say something but before I dared to do so her head shot in my direction and she glared at me once more. I took that as my sign to shut up.

“Edward, why don't you believe in yourself. I know you won't believe me right now, but I know your true self, Edward and it is not who you think you are. It is the ‘you’ I met last summer. I don't know what makes me believe that, but I do Edward. You were honest back then. I could see how happy it made Alice and Emmett to see you this way. Don't think that I am unobservant and blind only because I didn't believe what you said about that time and you.

“I am really, really mad at you! Your inability to realize things about yourself causes all that. Your being afraid of facing your problems. Have you ever thought about that? What have you been thinking the whole time? Because everything you said to me were only fucking assumptions! What made you think that I was pure? That whatever you did would drag me down with you? What is it with you Edward that doesn't function right? Ugh! I don't even know what to say! What was there that I wouldn't understand? God, I couldn't care less at that time!

“And you! You only went and made the decision for me! Ugh! I think I am going to kill you!” she shouted but made no real attempt to do that. She was clutching her blouse though. Maybe that was the reason she hadn't gone off against me, yet. And if it was the way she calmed herself I was thankful for that. With that expression I was sure, she could, no, she would kill me if she would get her fingers on me.

She stood like that for some time and then turned to me. She bit her lip and turned her head lightly to the right as if thinking hard about something.

“Say what you want to say. Make it quick, I don't have time,” she said then. Wow. What was it with her sudden changes today.

“Well,” I started to say and paused. What could I say?

Nothing.

“Well?” she urged.

“What do you decide?” I didn't want to find out. I was positive it would be negative, but I knew that this would lead us nowhere. She had to come to a decision.

Bella started shaking her head from side to side. I couldn't understand what it was with her reactions today. It was as if she was fighting with herself.

She came over and sat on her bed. She put her feet on it and rested her chin on her knees.

“What do you suggest?”

“Why are you asking me that? I think you know my answer.”

She shook her head.

“I don't know, Bella. I have told you how I feel about everything. The decision lies on you now.”

She shook her head again. Her lack of verbal response was starting to irritate me.

“Well, what do you want to hear Bella? I love you! I want you back, but the decision is completely yours. Do what you want and I will live with it. Just... I can't lose you,” I whispered the last part so low I was sure she didn't hear.

“You say you love me but you don't care if I leave you and go and be with someone else,” she whispered but she was clearly accusing me of it.

I groaned. How could she think that?

“When did I say that, Bella?”

Her head shot up.

“Right now, Edward! Not a minute ago! First you tell me that you love me, then you accuse me of that thing with James, then you tell me you are mad at me, then that you love me but you wouldn't have a problem with me leaving you for someone else! And all that after you slept with me to feel as if you are connected to me and not to lose me? What should I believe, Edward? Tell me! How do you want me to make sense of all that when I am sure that not even you do? Right now I really think you should go on meds or something! How can you study medicine and be so disturbed!”

Good question...

“Well, I am not studying psychology,” I muttered under my breath but she caught that again and glared at me.

“What makes me think, I told you everything but you didn't explain that stunt with James.” Well shit. Yes, I accused her.

“Yo-you are really serious right now, aren't you?”

“Of course I am.”

She stood from her bed and walked over to me. What was that today? Why was she acting so strange? Couldn't she pick just one position? One place to stand, sit or whatever it was she wanted to do?

“Well, I wanted to use him. And don't you dare think now that you dragged me down to that point because I am literally going to stab somebody right now if you do,” she threatened.

I shot her an questioning look. What did she mean she wanted to use him? How could she want to use him?

And then it hit me.

Where all my previous assumptions really right?

Was I really this fooled with whom I wanted her to be for me that I didn't realize who she really was? She had told me that herself, didn't she?

Did she really simply use him as she used me?

Did she really just want physical satisfaction and when she found out about me and was sure I wouldn't give that to her or was bored of waiting turned her back to me and went to him?

Was that it all along?

“Shut your mind up! I can hear it screaming the thoughts running through it until here,” she snorted and then that half pained half angry expression was on her face again.

“Thanks for thinking that stuff about me, Edward. You know, I could read it on your face.” She paused a moment before she took a deep breath, let it out and started talking again really fast.

“I used him to make you jealous. I thought that if you saw me with him, you would want me as much as you want any other female. Because you showed attraction to anybody but me. What was I supposed to think? What was I supposed to do? And don't tell me talk to you, Edward, because as soon as I mentioned it to you, you would say something to make it seem unimportant. And so I answer your previous question. No, a physical relationship is not what would have showed me that you love me, Edward. I don't know how you came to that conclusion. But if you would have been in my position. If the one you loved-”

“There is only one p-”

“Shut up and listen!

“If the one you loved would sleep around before you and have experience to no end and you would have never had an experience like that, and everybody would be telling you what an emotional and unique experience it is, how would you feel, act or whatever when that one person would reject you over and over again?” She was crying. She started out angry and was crying by now while telling me all that. “Wouldn't you feel unwanted? Wouldn't you fe-”

This time I didn't let her finish. If I was the one to cut her off. My lips met hers in a forceful kiss. I thought she was going to fight me off and she really tried first but then quickly gave in.

If what she had said really was right, then she did love me. She still loved me. She wouldn't have used that one as an example if not. And surely not that exact words. I knew where she was heading with that.

I broke the kiss and looked into her tear-strained face.

“Bella, I-”

But no, she had to slap me again.

I looked at her in confusion.

She didn't only slap me. No, this time she hit me with her first. Really, really hard if I might add. Well, at least not in the face but my arm.

Where did she find that strength?

And as if slapping me and hitting me wasn't enough she punched me straight in the chest. I clasped my hand around hers to stop her and she had a smug grin on her face.

“You know, I slapped you, I hit you and I punched you. The next on the list would be to kick you and I know exactly where I would do that right now but I think I will need it in the future for other things. I can't risk right now to damage it. And since I won't kick you, I also can't le-”

Again I cut her off by kissing her. She wasn't going to leave me. She wasn't. She planned on staying with me.

I broke the kiss again and started kissing every part of her face. Her eyes, her nose, her cheeks, her chin, her temple and finally before I kissed her lips I whispered “I love you” to her and then crashed my lips once more to hers.

I won't lose you.

After some minutes we parted in desperate need for some air. Bella had blushed again, her lips were lightly swollen once again after the swelling had gone back from our previous 'make out' session. I had the goofiest grin ever on my face as I repeatedly kissed her lips and whispered to her how much I loved her and promised to never do it again.

At that point I didn't even know what exactly I was promising to never do again. There were many things and I think I meant all of them.

After some time just standing there in her room I scooped her up my arms earning a small scream from her and brought us to her bed. I lied us both down on it and enclosed her tightly in my arms. One hand was wrapped around her waist, while I was tracing her features with the other. Same she did with me, only that one of her legs was also wrapped over my hip.

I kissed her once more on her lips before once again saying “Sorry.”

Bella smiled a little bit.

“It's ok. You are right. It's not as if I didn't want it or enjoy it.”

This time it was my turn to shake my head.

“Bella, I did never want you to feel unwanted. Really. There was never any girl I wanted more. You know what, I don't know if I should tell you this, but I am going to anyway. You know, once I called you even orgasm on legs. In my thoughts, but I did.”

I hoped she was going to take that well, and truly she did. She started chuckling.

“I love you,” she finally whispered. I can't describe the feelings that were set loose in me right then.

The truth?

I didn't want to. And even if I would, I don't think I couldn't. Somebody had to really experience something like this to really understand that feeling.

“I love you, too. Forever.”

“Mhm,” she answered already half asleep.

“Don't you want to open your presents?”

“Which presents?” she muttered back.

“It's your birthday, Bella.”

Her eyes shot open.

“No! No, no, no, no! I don't. I'm fine. Thanks. But I don't!”

I had to laugh at her sudden panic attack.

That was Bella.

My Bella.

~*~

A/N:

Caroline: Sorry if this is a fucked up chapter, but I am feeling fucked up right now. I really have no time, and real life is soooo busy! I leave at 7am and come back at 9pm from all the schools and then I have to study for the next day! I don't even have time to read ffs anymore! My life sucks!