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Cullen Wife Swap

Alice gets bored one day and decides to have some fun with the girls. They decide to do Wife Swap, cullen style! Slightly noncanon couples but NO THEY DON'T LOVE EACH OTHER! THEY ARE JUST HAVING A LITTLE BIT OF FUN! I set it as Teen because it has slightly mature theme. I figured i couldn't stick it in Adult, because i'm NOT an adult. So, teen is as good as i get.

Okay, may get slightly rude in places. But i won't go into details. You see, Alice gets rid of one of the key rules of Wife Swap (read the first chapter and see)

9. Alice's first week with Edward

Rating 4.5/5   Word Count 1583   Review this Chapter


This was going to be so fun! I arrived at Bella's cottage.

"Aunt Alice!" cried Nessie, running and giving me a hug.

"Hey Alice" said Edward.

"I didn't know you had a tree house Edward," I said. He glanced away.

"Shh" he said, looking at Nessie who was looking at her dad with severe interest.

"I made Ness's breakfast so you can skip that step," said Edward.

"Did Bella show you the guide?"


"Oh...right" I hoped I'd have been able to get rid of the whole blindfold thing.

"No such luck Alice. Bella and I have a very open relationship"

"Life with a mind reader I suppose"

"I can only read Bella's mind when she lets me. She just showed it to me to make sure she hadn't missed anything"

"Oh. Right" why didn't I see that one?

"Nessie was around"

"I can see why Bella doesn't let you into her mind to often. That is seriously annoying"

"You've known me longer then Bella"

"Yes but you spent most of your time being miserable in your bedroom. I didn't have unfiltered time with you. Plus there were loads of other people around for you to focus on"

"Anyway, moving on from my depression I wasn't aware existed. We should go"

"I thought Jasper was the depressed one?" said Nessie.

"He's only depressed because Edward was and it was either that or feel crazy with a need for sex"

"I know which one I'd choose," giggled Ness. I winked. We headed over to the house. No one else was there, except for Esme and Carlisle. I picked up a book. Great expectations which was what Bella had been reading before. After half an hour, I dropped it.

"Bella actually reads this crap? Pip, Estella, who cares?" I demanded.

"Try this" said Edward "Bella put aside a selection of books she thought you'd like. This one was at the top" he handed it to me.

"Oooh!" I said, eagerly. This looked good.

"I didn't know mum liked vampire stories"

"She doesn't normally. However she really got into this series," said Edward. The book was called Marked. I settled down. Bella and Emmett arrived, then Jasper and Rosalie. I noticed Rosalie wearing my red shoes. Hmm...oh well. She wasn't planning on stealing them. Edward looked at Bella with undisguised longing. I was going to speak up but Emmett did instead.

"Edward, stop eyeballing my wife" said Emmett.

"I think you'll find I've been doing much more then eyeballing her" I watched the exchange with humour, but tried to look like I was reading.

"If you don't mind. Can you two please do this somewhere else? I want to watch TV with Rosalie"

"Yes. Fashion world's coming on" she replied. Ha-ha! I never thought I'd hear Bella say those words. She hated Fashion world! This was great! After an hour, Bella left. I don't think Rosalie had realised she was half an hour late for work.

"Damn I'm late!" she said

"Oh Rosalie. Wearing the shoes does not count as stealing. Just so long as you put them back," said Edward. Rosalie scowled at me and left. We lingered for a bit longer before heading home.

"Are you teaching Ness or am I?" asked Edward.

"You do it today. I can watch. Otherwise, it won't go well" I told him.

"Ness? What do you want to learn?" he asked Nessie.

"I fancy some math today," she said.

"How long have you like maths?" I said.

"For about a month. Math and Art are my favourite subjects. Math because it never changes. We can probably talk to aliens through maths"

"What about art? Art is like maths opposite"

"It's expressive"

"We have a hard time teaching her science though. She hates it. Bella teaches her English, she's pretty good at it," said Edward. I made Ness's lunch (a cheese sandwich. I can't cook) and then she settled down to learn some maths. I watched with fascination as Edward explained some very complicated algebra. The two hours flew by.

"Off you go. Be back for tea! And if I hear you and Jacob
outside, I will cut his tail off" threatened Edward. She left, giggling and Edward turned to me. I thought a very clear image at him and he practically leapt at me.

Afterwards we went to the main house. Emmett and jasper were there. I started reading a different book from Bella's pile. It was very good and was giving me a lot of ideas. Edward was looking at me with very black eyes. I moved so I was sitting in his lap. Rosalie came in. ten minutes later; Edward pushed me off his lap and led me outside. I see what Bella meant about the completely random moments thing.

That night, I made Nessie tea. We put her to bed and Edward turned on her weird laser things.

"Isn't that a bit controlling?" I asked.

"Bella says the same thing. I want to keep her safe. I mean, she's only seven"

"In years. Mentally and physically she's about eighteen"

"Oh well. I'm keeping it" he went into the closet, hide the remote and returned with a blindfold. He led me out into the forest. When he removed it, we were in a large tree house. There was a pile of large cushions. Wow.

Alice's video account of Monday
"Wow, I like Bella's life! However, I need to set a referee because I had a vision of Rosalie cheating. That's not very fair"

Edward's video account of Monday
"It's weird being able to read the minds of all in my house. I'm so used to Bella, this is weird. I miss Bella a lot. Alice is no substitute. I saw her visions of Rose cheating. I wonder if she will"

Alice's video account of Tuesday
"Still having loads of fun! Today I taught Nessie textiles. That's something I'm good at. Edward says that he specializes in science, history, music and maths. Bella does English and most other stuff, like geography. Nessie enjoyed her first textiles lesson. I appointed Esme and Carlisle as referees"

Edward's video account of Tuesday
"God, I miss Bella so much. I am dreading next week. However, it was quite funny watching Alice teach Nessie textiles today. That's probably the only thin Alice can teach. I took over cooking today. I'm worried she'll give Ness food poisoning"

When I went to the other house today, Jacob was hanging around. He just wouldn't leave! Edward had gone to offer advice to Bella (after he'd heard a lot of breaking tools on Monday) and I couldn't see anything because of Jacob! Grr! What did he want? Edward returned.

"I think I'll take Nessie for a haircut this afternoon,"
I told him. He smiled but it looked kind of strained.

I took Nessie to the hairdressers. Bella wasn‘t there yet. She arrived ten minutes late.

"Sorry I'm late. I forgot something," she said to the woman in charge.

"That's okay Bella. You have a customer," she pointed to where we were sitting.

"Mum!" Nessie cried and hugged Bella.

"Hello dear. Are you being good for Auntie Alice and your dad?" Bella asked.

"Oh yes!"

Bella cut Nessie's hair and it was really good. Really cute. It suited her. I went back to the house.

"I'm going hunting," said Edward.

"Do you want company?"

"I don't mind" he said "But I know that Nessie wants to go shopping. With Jacob"

"I'm on it" I left with Nessie and Jacob. I couldn't see! Grr!

I was attacked by a very annoying vision today. Rosalie was skiving work (I'd known that) but I saw (too late) she was going to have a go at Jasper. I hadn't seen that, I'd just saw that she'd have been annoyed at me so I'd removed my clothes while she was out. I ran to my old house.

"Where is she?" I asked Jasper.

"Bedroom" he said. I charged upstairs and banged on the door

"What?" came a disgruntled voice

"Rosalie!" I shouted

"What?" she asked again. I couldn't see her opening the door any time soon so I pushed it open and launched at her.

"Why are you making him feel bad?" I shouted.

"I can't help what I feel! And I thought you weren't supposed to get involved"

"Whether or not I was Jasper's wife makes no difference. I'd still tell you to stop being so selfish and bitchy! He wants you to be happy! Can you at least accept his help?" I said.

"Alice, go away!" she said.

"Fine. But just to let you know, that dress you bought makes you look fat and that's hard for a vampire" I snapped. I walked out. I went out, found Edward and improved my own mood.

I went hunting with Nessie this morning. Edward wasn't very happy, due to the fact he'd caught Jacob and Nessie in bed naked this morning. They slept in the same bed but they were supposed to keep their clothes on. This afternoon I went shopping with Rose and Bella. I got Edward to come too. I bought some really cute outfits. Hey, I hadn't put a rule that said whether stuff bought by the person was supposed to stay at the house of that couple.

Alice's video account of Sunday
"I can't wait to set my rules! I am going to have FUUUUN!"

Edward's video account of Sunday
"I am dreading the rule set tomorrow. Alice will make my life hell"