We all know what Bella went through in New Moon, but what about Edward. What was he thinking when Rosalie called to tell him Bella had died, and what went through his mind during the phone call with jacob. Rated T because I'm paranoid. ~Written for the Dark and Stormy night contest~
1. Romeo and Juliet
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Darkness. It is deceitful and terrifying. With it’s ever changing evanescent nature it appears for a moment’s time only to cast shadows of fear on those unfortunate enough to fall witness to it.
Unpredictable, unstable, and unknown, it descends with the rising of the moon. With it come macabre tales of death, suffering, madness, and grief, which alone can drive fear straight into the hearts of unsuspecting victims.
However, even the darkness pales in comparison to the vampire. We creatures of the night viciously live off of the death of others, feeding from the fear of our victims, priding ourselves in being more lethal then any weapon and more horrifying then the most execrable nightmare.
In the light of day, we are reduced to mere legends, stories told to bring entertainment to the certain few whom do not fear the darkness. However, when the suns rays disappear and the sky turns to coal, with nothing but the moon as our witness we rise from the shadows like ghosts from the grave.
That is the nature of the vampire, to be elusive and ferocious, but that is just our curse, not our fate. No. In no way are we limited to being only monsters of the dark. There is nothing stopping us from defying our nature, nothing to stop us from living virtuously.
One man has taught me this, Carlisle, my father in every sense of the word. He has shown that we can repress our instinct to kill, but that does not mean we can eliminate it completely. It is still there, waiting ominously in the back of our minds, waiting for the opportune moment to strike. I know this, for I have witnessed these faults whether in others or in myself.
That is the reason why I sit here alone, locked in the deteriorating attic of a bar somewhere in South America. The rancid smell of alcohol and nicotine burn my senses and the deafening shouts from below have made peace impossible.
Not that I would have found peace as it were. Nothing can cease the agonizing thoughts that plague my mind, or the feelings that rage within my hollow veins. Nothing but her. I cannot think, nor say her name aloud for fear of the torturous memories that I have longed so hard to forget. The joyful and lighthearted memories, like those of her heartwarming smile and her bell-like laughter. And the arduous, more painful memories, like the sight of my love, her eyes downcast and her aura one of melancholy as tears streaked down her face.
I knew that my harsh words had hurt her for that was their purpose, yet I couldn’t fathom how she had so willingly accepted my counterfeit rejection. How could she believe, even after all of the times I had professed my love, that I did not want her. It was ridiculous really, the thought of not wanting her. In truth, never in my existence had I depended on one person so wholly, never had I been so utterly lost when I was alone.
I had always believed that I was complete in myself, but that all changed when she came into my life. My life. It was a dark and stormy night before my love had arrived, as bright as lightning streaking through the sky. She flashed across my world, incandescent and electrifying, unintentionally illuminating the eternal night that my existence had become.
It had been in that moment that I finally understood. Esme had been right to assume that I had only thought myself to be complete. But of course all good things must come to an end at some point, and after the events that occurred on my love’s disastrous birthday party coupled with the James attack and my putting her in constant danger, I had decided that it would be safer and more beneficial for her to live in a world where my family and I were only a distant memory. If I were to leave her she could have a future, with a husband that would adore her and children to care for. That was one of my main concerns. Children. For years I have witnessed the effect that vampirism had on the women in my family.
The inability to bear children was something that haunted and pained them to no end, something that they would trade most anything to have. But their hopes were in vain. It was just one of the consequences of becoming what we were, what she had longed to be.
Eternally damned, lost in the world of the living though we have no souls. Carlisle has always tried to convince me otherwise, but how could a monster like a vampire be granted a soul, a right to a place where only angels belong.
He always answered in the same way. One who is capable of love and regret must have a soul; it is those who kill without feeling the slightest bit of grief that are monsters. I shook my head, attempting to remove his words from my thoughts. What good would a soul do me now if I had no one to devote it to?
My fingers wrapped themselves mercilessly into my bronze locks, the slight pain helping to jolt me back into reality. It made no difference whether or not I had a soul in the first place.
With my back against the wall I can feel the vibrations emitting from the room below me, but I just ignore them. If I were thinking rationally, one would suppose that I might attempt to find a distraction. After all, was that not part of the callous lie that I had delivered to my love.
My kind, we’re very easily distracted. Another falsity, vampires in general are difficult to entertain let alone one whose mind is twisted by such tormenting thoughts. I only hoped that her memories would slowly fade, although the thought of being forgotten sickened me.
A small vibration coming from the inside of my coat pocket temporarily drew my attention away from my agonizing train of thought. My cell phone, why I had brought the accursed thing was beyond me. Every once in a while it would ring, and every time I would just gaze at the glowing names that would flash across the screen, wishing I could pick it up but not having the strength to.
I already knew the conversation that would take place if I were to answer. They would tell me I had made a mistake and that I was being foolish for running away. They would ask me to come home, something I couldn’t do for fear of giving in and running back to my love in order to beg on my knees for forgiveness. I couldn’t give in like that; it would destroy the purpose of my leaving in the first place.
With that thought in my mind I let my gaze wander to the name dancing on the screen of my phone and to my surprise it read Rosalie. Usually it would show Carlisle, Alice, or maybe Esme, but never Rosalie. I decided to let it go, choosing to simply ignore the small vibrations in hope that if I did they would disappear.
No such luck. She called back almost four times before my decision to ignore her began to waver. What if something was wrong, it wasn’t right of me to so selfishly abandon my family whom had stood by me and supported me throughout the majority of my life, no matter the circumstances. So with a sigh I reached for the small device, gazing at it disdainfully before flipping it open and holding it to my ear.
“Edward, if you hang up, so help me I will kill you, do you understand!” I sighed and nodded my head before realizing that she couldn’t see me. “Good. Now listen up, I have some excellent news!” her enthusiasm did little to cheer me up, and I could tell she knew for she gave a small huff on the other side of the line before continuing.
“You can come home now Edward, everything can go back to normal.” Her words confused me, how could my life ever go back to being normal?
“W-what do you mean, Rosalie?” I winced at how rough my voice sounded, realizing that that had been the first time I had spoken aloud in almost half a year.
“Alice had a vision, Edward. In the vision she said she saw Bella jump from a cliff before her whole future suddenly disappeared. She’s gone Edward, you can come home now!” gone, a cliff, vision, jumping, disappeared, gone. “Edward? Edward did you hang up on me!” I felt the phone slip from my frozen hands, the impact causing it to snap shut ending the connection with Rosalie.
“Gone?” If what Rosalie said was true, then everything- leaving her, hurting her, all of it had been in vain. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this, she was supposed to grow up, have a husband and kids! Not have her life swept away mere months after my departure. And then it hit me. Bella was gone. Forever lost in a world into which I could never enter, floating in a blissful oblivion.
My eyes burned with tears I would never shed as the scorching pain ripped through my body, swallowing me and tearing at my heart and lungs. My shoulders shook with the painful sobs that forced their way from my chest as my arms wrapped around my torso as if to hold myself together.
My love, my world, my everything. Gone. What once were nothing more then small whimpers had gradually grown, engulfing me as I cried out. If only I had never left, never lied to her, then maybe she would be here. Smiling and holding me, telling me that everything was all right and that she loved me.
But what if Alice’s vision was wrong, they’re never certain! For once I was thankful to the small voice in the back of my mind. I hastily searched for my phone, my hands trembling as they fanned out across the wooden floor.
As my fingers wrapped themselves around what seemed to be the key to my future I stopped momentarily to decide whom to call. Alice would know only as much as I, and the family probably knew less than that, so the only person who could successfully comply with my requests was… Charlie.
I had never been on relatively good terms with Chief Swan, although part of that might have had to do with me being in love with his only daughter.
I grabbed my phone in my shaking hands and cautiously dialed the Chiefs home number. It rang once, two times, three times and then…
“Swan Residence,” The new voice puzzled me, it was familiar, and yet I couldn’t quite place a name to it. It was deep and I could detect the hint of forced politeness coating it’s tone.
“Yes, is Chief Swan available, I need to speak with him please.” I cringed once more at the hoarse tone in my voice before I quietly cleared my throat and waited for a reply.
“He isn’t here.” I had to bite back the growl that was threatening to erupt from my chest at the monotone voice on the other line.
“Can you tell me where he is, it’s urgent.” There was a short pause before the gruff voice came through the speakers once more.
“He’s at the funeral.” Those four words, so insignificant and yet they meant everything. I could vaguely register the fact that I had closed the phone, hanging up on whomever was on the other line. He’s at the funeral, there was no possible way that it was just a coincidence. This gave me all of the heartbreaking proof I needed. Bella was dead. I flinched, her name and those words alone sending spasms of pain shooting through my veins.
It’s your fault, you left her to drown in her misery. You left her alone and unprotected and for what…to sit in an attic and wallow in self-pity. How disgusting. I gripped my head in my hands, my fingers digging into my scalp as I attempted to rid myself of the accusing voice. It’s soft tone sounding so much like hers, and I was sure that this was my punishment for my sins.
You could have stayed, she was happy when you were there, but you didn’t. And now she’s gone, gone forever and all because of you! Although the voice was similar to hers, it was malicious aside from its giddy tone as it laughed in my head. Firing accusation after accusation and enjoying as I curled up in pain.
And now what will you do. You’re all alone again, lost to the one you love. What good would it do you to continue to exist, now that no one is alive to miss you? I growled out in frustration, and yet at the same time I agreed with the antagonizing voice. What was left for me to live for? She was gone. It was in that moment that I knew what I was going to do. She is gone, and soon I will be too.
I stood on shaking legs as I made my decision. I would not live in a world where she didn’t exist, I couldn’t.
So what are you going to do about it? You are a vampire; it is not easy for you to die. The sadistic voice had a point. I could not complete my task as easily as I could have had I been human. But there were ways.
I could search down a rouge, a nomad vampire and plead with them to kill me. But that would take too long. No, I needed something quick. Perhaps… the Volturi. Irecall having once told her about them, how if she were to disappear I would go to them and beg for death.
It seemed almost perfect now. This way, I could at least keep one of the promises that I had made to her so long ago.
Ah, ah, ah. But what of your family, what do you think would happen if you were to suddenly disappear forever! I grimaced at that realization. Esme would be torn apart after learning that she had lost B-her, and I can only imagine how she would feel after discovering that she had lost me as well. It would essentially be like losing two of her children, but what could I do.
Nothing, you can do nothing at all. It was true; I would be no better off alive then dead. At least in death, if what Carlisle believed was true, maybe I could see my love once more. Just maybe I could find love in my afterlife if I was granted such a thing. And so, with that thought in mind I took one last glance at my surroundings before propelling myself out of the bar, too fast for human eyes to decipher.
If the only way for me to truly live was to die with my love then so be it. For Bella, my lovely Juliet, I would gladly play Romeo.