Finding an angel in the ashes
My entry for It was a dark and stormy night Challenge!!! What happened the day Esme took her life? What made her commit suicide? what pushed her over the edge to give up everything she had? what was she thinking? What made her take the finally blow and jump? and why did Esme let go to take flight? This is my input on how and why Esme jumped that faithful frightning night. But will Esme finally find her angel and let her soul be at ease? Read to find out!
1. Why i do it.
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Nathan my wonderful husband and I were at home. We were snuggled close to each other on the couch when all of a sudden I felt something wet coming out of me. Was I peeing?! I looked at Nathan’s face but he didn’t seem to notice that I was practically peeing on the couch!
“Nathan, why am I peeing?” I asked him getting up. I looked at the couch and where I sat it was drenched. I looked at Nathan and he gave me a huge smile. That could only mean one thing.
“Your not peeing hunny.” Nathan said with a bright smile. I put my hands to my stomach.
“Oh my gosh its happening!” I yelled at him. As I said that I was hit with a wave of pain. I screamed out loud. It felt like knives were stabbing my mid section. Nathan grabbed my hand and raced me to the car. He ran as fast as he could to the drivers side. Again I was hit with of wave of pure agony. I screamed once more. It took 10 minutes to get to the hospital and every other minute I screamed in pain.
“Hurry up!” I screamed at Nathan. I could no longer stand the pain and to be honest I was getting really angry. He did this to me. He put me through this pain. We pulled up and rushed to the emergency room where a nurse saw and grabbed a wheel chair and ran towards us. They helped me sit down, but before I even sat I screamed out loud once more in agony.
“You did this to me!” I screamed at Nathan who just held my hand and ran next to me. I squeezed his hand tighter as the next wave of pain came. My contractions were coming closer together and happening about every minute.
“We need a doctor!” The nurse screamed down the hallway as we came into a birthing room. Nathan and the nurse helped me on the bed. Another contraction came and I screamed even louder then before. Next thing I know people were swarmed around me telling me to push. I screamed the whole time letting it all out and pushing with all my might. After about 10 minutes of pushing and screaming and Nathan urging me on from the side I heard the doctor yell orders. I didn’t understand what was happening all I could think about was my baby that I wanted to see. I looked at Nathan squeezing his hand, he had tears in his eyes. Was something wrong with my baby?!
“Nathan.” I whispered his name. tears started to pile up in my eyes. No this wasn’t happening. My baby was perfectly healthy. There was no way he was dying. Not my sweet Alex. No it cant be. My worst nightmare was coming true. “Where is Alex?”
Nathan just looked at me pain written all over his face. Tears were already streaming down his face. He just shook his head like he couldn’t believe what he just saw. I looked at where all the doctors and nurses were. They were swarming over something that was so tiny and fragile. It wasn’t crying, it wasn’t breathing, it wasn’t alive, but it was my Alex. My beautiful baby ,dead. I didn’t want to believe, I wasn’t going to believe, but deep down I knew it was true. My first child, my only child, my life ,it was all taken from me. How did this happen. No this wasn’t going to happen. There had to be something that could keep him alive.
“I want my BABY!!!” I screamed. I was starting to get up. “I want him!” Someone was holding me down. I started to fight the invisible person that was holding me down. I was going insane.
“Hunny no.” Nathan said holding me down. “he’s gone.” and at that moment it finally sunk in. he was dead. Before he even had a life and he was dead. I laid back down and went into a zombie state never returning.
End of flashback.
That was exactly 7 days, 12 minutes, and 22 seconds ago. After a couple of days spent in the hospital with Nathan at my side 24/7 I was finally going to lose it. But I had to act normal, so the doctors wouldn’t put me in a mental hospital for going insane. After a couple of days with acting like nothing ever happened I was finally able to go back home. As soon as I got into my house I sunk to my knees and sobbed every single day and every single second of every single minute. I didn’t eat, I rarely slept, and I barley drank. Nathan tried to move me and make me do something other then mourn but after a couple of days he finally stopped and decided that he couldn’t do anything to help me. But today today was different. I decided to take a car ride and finally get some freash air. After I said good bye to Nathan I just drove and drove for hours. I looked out my window and saw that the sun had disappeared. The stars that usually always covered the night were covered in dark gray clouds. As I drove farther and farther I finally came to a stop, my car had ran out of gas. As I got out of the car I took in my surroundings. I was on a cliff. Rain started to pour down and drench me from head to toe. Today was different, I was going to do something I never thought i wouldve done nine months ago.
It was a dark and stormy night. The trees were dancing as the wind and rain made a silent lullyby that would send shivers down your spine. I walked closer to the edge of the cliff. I looked down and saw that it was about a 500 or more foot drop. This was the biggest cliff I had ever seen. I looked out at the now darkned mountains and thought about all ive been through.
I couldn’t live with myself any longer. It was killing me to stay alive. I was already skin and bones. Its just that me living a life without a child in my arms kills me every time I close my eyes. I felt responsible, no I am responsible. I should’ve helped my innocent baby. I should’ve done something. There was a hole where my heart should’ve been. Everywhere I looked I saw a baby boy reaching out to me, smiling, laughing. I couldn't take it any longer. Maybe I was crazy, insane, or just a plain maniac, but I can not and will not live this life any longer. As I got ready to jump I thought about all the things that would’ve happened if my beautiful baby had not died. I pictured us a happy family, I pictured Alex growing, aging, changing and becoming a bright handsome, intelligent young man. As I thought about what could’ve been my tears had gathered and came pouring down like the rain around me. The stormy rain took my tears along with it as it all came crashing down.I knew i could no longer live my life in 'what could've been' or 'what if'. As much as it hurt me I had to end my fantasies. I took my final breath and jumped. As I jumped I felt as if i were a bird. Spreading my wings and flying, letting all my problems and worries slip away. I finally took flight.
I looked down, the last image I had was me being swallowed up by a black hole falling faster and deeper until I hit the bottom. When I hit the ground I felt my body literally break into a million pieces. The darkness was taking me over and sucking me in. I did not fight and was letting it take me until an angel appeared. He shed light all around him. He was a beautiful angel. He was calling to me, reaching for me. I walked towards him heading towards the light that he brought with him.
“Are you alright?” My beautiful blonde haired angel asked. I was dazzled by his eyes and stunned to the spot. I managed to nod.
“Come with me. Stay with me. Stay alive.” he said urging me to avoid the darkness that was coming faster and faster.
“Yes, I will.” I whispered and the next thing I know I feel something sharp pierce into my neck and my body ignite in flames. I was burning. I screamed and screamed. It felt like eternity until the fire raced to my heart getting hotter and hotter. I screamed out in agony begging the angel for it to stop. And then just as fast as it came it was gone. I was laying in ashes. I opened my eyes to come face to face with my blonde haired angel from my dreams. I smiled.
“I’m Carlisle.” he said with his breath taking smile and amber colored eyes.
I had truly found an angel, my angel out of the ashes themselves. I was finally put at ease.