All she ever wanted was out.
Out of this town, out of this world.
Always being pushed around,
Nobody considering the way she felt.
She planned for three months,
On how to get out.
And on a dark and stormy night,
She got out.
Out of this world.
That's all she ever wanted.
Rated Adult for language and adult content. Two characters are OOC.
1. For Her
Rating 4.5/5 Word Count 4774 Review this Chapter
They diagnosed her with Major Depression. She constantly felt worthless. She lost twenty three pounds in the last month. I could tell she wasn't sleeping, because she came to school with dark circles under her eyes. She wouldn't do anything. Her grades were failing and at this rate, she wouldn't graduate if she didn't start studying.
I'm driving her home when I ask her if she wants to come over.
"No," she replied, her voice lifeless. She was staring out the passenger seat window, frowning. She never smiled anymore.
I pulled into her driveway and got out of the car. I went around the front of my Volvo and opened her door. She didn't even fight me on it, I've been doing it since I got my licence.
I walked her to the door. "Bella."
She turned to look at me after unlocking the door.
"Please eat something, and please don't throw it up afterwards. Can you study also? I want to see you graduate," I told her.
She didn't say anything, only turned to walk into the house.
"Hey," I said, grabbing her arm and spinning her back towards me. "Just because they confirmed you have depression doesn't mean you have to give up. I'm always here for you, because I-" I stopped, contemplating what to say next. "I...care about you, and I hate seeing you like this. You can still get help," I said softly.
Her head snapped up and her eyes glared at me. "I don't need help," she said coldly. She yanked her arm away from me and slammed the door shut behind her, leaving me on the porch. I sighed loudly and got back into my car.
I should have told her.
Why couldn't I tell her? Maybe it would have changed the way she feels about life in general, maybe it would have given her hope. It certainly would have made me feel better.
Bella and I have been best friends since we met in fifth grade. I had moved here with my family from Alaska and Bella was the only one that gave me a chance. Before the last three months happened, she was a bright girl who would freak if she got a B on something. Her smile lit up a room, and she glowed with happiness all the time. She was extremely selfless, and full of energy. She got involved in things at school and around town, just for the sake of volunteering. Of course, I would always get dragged along, but as long as I was with my best friend, it was all good. She was the very best person I had ever met-that wasn't blood related-and I still haven't told her that.
I was the only one she told after it happened. She said that I was the only one she trusted. I had tried to convince her multiple times to tell somebody that could help her, but with her being stubborn, she refused. And I can't ever refuse Bella, so I promised to keep it to myself.
I wish I hadn't. I miss the person she used to be, my Bella.
It was February 23rd when Bella showed up on my doorstep, crying her eyes out. I had pulled her into my arms and carried her up to my bedroom. She cried into my chest and told me what happened. I wanted to kill that man as soon as the first sentence fell from her lips, but I knew that I had to let her finish before I went any further. And then she made me swear on our friendship that I wouldn't tell a soul.
So here I am, May 19th, driving away from Bella's house, still keeping my promise, and still as furious as hell at the man that messed up Bella. Every time I think about it, I just want to pound him into the ground and tell him that he screwed up Bella's life.
Disgusted, I turned on the classical CD I had and blocked out all thoughts for the rest of the ride. When I got home, I pretended like everything was fine and spent the rest of my night doing homework and hanging out with my family.
Charlie had called me in the morning to tell me that Bella wasn't feeling well, and wouldn't be coming to school, therefore I wouldn't have to pick her up. I figured that she would fake being sick, it's exactly three months since it happened. Whenever a month went by, Bella would ditch school. I'm a little shocked that Charlie never picked up on it being once a month, and at the exact same date, but then again, Charlie never was the observant type.
"Where's Bella?" my sister asked me once I parked the car in the school's parking lot.
"She's at home. Charlie said she didn't feel good," I told her, hiding the real truth in my voice.
Alice was silent for a moment before whispering, "I'm worried about her, Edward. All of a sudden she just completely shuts herself off from the rest of the world. She's lost so much weight." I could see she was on the verge of tears, so I gathered her in my arms and said nothing. She finally calmed down enough for us to head to class.
All day, I had this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that kept growing. You know, the one you get when you sense something bad's going to happen. I think I knew it had something to do with Bella, so after lunch, I went to my car and called her. It rang five times before I got her answering machine.
"Hi, this is Bella. I'm sorry I couldn't answer your call, but wait for the beep and you know what to do. If you don't, you probably shouldn't be using a phone."
I chuckled a little at her humor, then quickly left a message, praying she would call me back soon.
"Hey, Bells, it's me, I'm just calling to see how you're doing. Call me back A.S.A.P," I said, and hung up. My phone rang as I went to shove it in my pocket.
"Hello?" I answered.
"Sorry, Edward, I was uh...busy," Bella panted into the receiver.
"Doing what?" I asked suspiciously.
"Um, running on the treadmill," she replied.
"Aren't you sick?" I proded.
"Exercise is good for you when you're sick," she said.
She sighed loudly. "Edward, you know what today is. I just can't face anybody."
"Bella, it doesn't have to be this way. I hate seeing you like this, it's pure torture," I pleaded with her.
"What I went through three months ago was pure torture," she said shortly. "And I guess that now is the best time to tell you."
"Tell me what?" I asked, that dreaded feeling hitting an all-time high in my stomach.
"I wanted to say goodbye. You've been the best friend to me, and I could never thank you enough. I'm sorry it had to end this way, just know that I love you," she said, and for the first time in a long time, I heard emotion in her voice. She was crying.
"Isabella Marie Swan, what do you mean goodbye?" I asked frantically, but her only response was to hang up.
Oh God. This was the feeling. They said it was a symptom of Major Depression, but I never thought Bella would feel the need to go that far. It all became clear once I hung up. The way Bella would shrink away from everyone, and just the way she acted.
She was going to kill herself.
I started the Volvo and raced to Bella's. I called Charlie on the way.
"Charlie, you need to get home right away. I think Bella's going to kill herself. Call an ambulance on the way. I'll explain everything later, just get home, I'm on my way there too," I said with a panicked voice.
"I'll be right there," was all he said.
I reached the house in four minutes, a record time. I unlocked the door with the key under the mat, and ran up the stairs to her room.
"Bella?" I yelled. "Bella!"
Her bedroom door was open and I stopped in the hallway for a brief period of time before barging into the room. "Bella?" I called out softly. She wasn't anywhere in the room. My heart was pounding as it squeezed together at the same time.
Holding my breath, I opened her close doors slowly.
And I screamed bloody murder at the sight.
Bella was hanging by an extention cord around the closet pole. She was limp, but her eyes were wide open and bloodshot. Her face was extremely pale, drained of all blood. It was the most horrifying thing I've ever seen, and it would forever be burned into my brain.
"Bella!" I sobbed, grabbing her body and laying it on her bed. I struggled with the cord, but managed to get it off. I leaned my ear against her chest. It was barely there, but it was most certainly there.
She had a pulse.
Through my tears, I attempted to keep my Bella with me by performing CPR.
"Edward?" Charlie's voice sounded from behind me. I heard his intake of breath when he saw his daughter.
"Help me," I pleaded before continuing CPR.
Before Charlie could even move out of his shocked state, paramedics were flying through the door with a stretcher.
"What happened?" one of them asked to anybody in general.
"She tried to hang herself. She still has a pulse though," I said, sniffling.
"Okay, we're taking her to the hospital. You two can ride in the ambulance with her," the other told Charlie and I.
We followed the stretcher outside and climbed in after the paramedics. They quickly went to work, trying to get Bella to breathe, and all I could do was sit in a chair nearby, staring at her still body.
I can't believe I didn't see this coming sooner. It was all my fault she was lying there, right now, struggling to live. I should have helped her, I should have forced her to go to counseling.
But most of all, I should have told her.
Bella made it through the ride alive. Charlie and I were forced to stay in the waiting room while my own father took her into surgery.
It was agonizing. On top of the waiting, Charlie demanded to know what happened.
"I will tell you, but I need you to promise to be her father, and not the chief of police, until Bella comes around and is stable enough to tell you her side of the story," I said to him.
"Okay," he said warily, waiting for me to continue.
I took a deep breath and told Charlie what Bella told me, exactly three months ago.
"Bella was raped." He gasped and his head dropped into his hands. I continued. "Three months to this day, and every month on the 20th, she would fake sick and stay in bed the whole day. She told me she couldn't be around people, because it made her remember that night. I was the only one she trusted, and she made me promise not to tell anybody." I paused. "I love her, and I couldn't break that promise, no matter how much I knew I should have," I whispered.
"I hope this explains her off behavior. And I want to tell you that I'm so sorry for making her do this. I take full responsibility for her attempted suicide." I choked up towards the end.
"Edward, I can't blame you for what Bella did. It wasn't your fault. It was the sick bastard that raped her," Charlie said, looking up at me.
"It was Phil, when he and Renee came to visit," I said quietly.
"That bastard doesn't know what's coming!" Charlie roared, jumping up from his seat. People turned and stared at us.
"Charlie!" I said, standing up and pushing him down back into his spot. "Calm, remember? We can deal with him later. Right now, we have to focus on Bella." He gave a curt nod and we sat in silence until my father came out.
"Dad, how is she?" I asked, jumping up. Charlie was beside me in no time.
He didn't look good, and my heart sunk to my toes.
"I'm sorry, Charlie, Edward. She didn't make it."
It's been one month since Bella's funeral. I feel lifeless even today. She made me keep going. Without her, I feel like a failure. My family keeps telling me that it wasn't my fault, but I can't believe them. I was the only one that could have seen this coming. She was my best friend, and now she's dead.
Phil was sentenced to twenty five years in prison for third degree rape. Bella's death was ruled a suicide, so he didn't get any charges for murder. I was livid he was only going away for a mere twenty five years. I wanted to see him locked up for the rest of his life. Renee nearly killed Phil herself when Charlie called and told her. She flew to Forks right away and let the police take Phil. She divorced his sorry ass as soon as she left.
I needed closure. I needed to know what possessed Bella to take her own life, when she knew she had the support she needed to get better. So I asked Charlie if I could go through Bella's room. I knew she kept a journal in her pillowcase, but I never once looked at it. Those were her private thoughts, and I had no right to look through it.
It was a dark and stormy night as I sat on my black leather couch with Bella's journal. I found the page marked "February 21st" because there was no February 20th.
February 21st, 2009
Last night was the worst night of my life. My mother went out to get Chinese take-out, which left Phil and I alone in the hotel room they were staying in. I never really felt totally comfortable with him, but I put up with him for the sake of my mom.
Oh man, I don't even know if I can write about this, but they always say that writing about things makes you feel better, so here I go.
We were watching T.V. when Phil excused himself to go to the bathroom. I remained on the couch, not really paying attention to the show that was playing. And then he came up behind me and tied a bandana around my mouth so that I couldn't scream. He told me to come with him or he would hit me. I tried to get the bandana off instead, and he grabbed my arms. He forced me off of the couch and dragged me into the only bedroom in the hotel suite. He pushed me onto the bed and pulled out some rope. He tied my hands to the headboard, and my legs to the end of the bedframe, so that I couldn't try to get away. I was completely helpless.
This part is hard to even think about. I can feel the tears coming already.
He didn't take my clothes all the way, because of the ropes. My jeans and panties were down by my ankles, and I just so happened to be wearing a button down shirt (lucky me), so all he did was unbutton it. He managed to get my bra off enough to expose my chest, which makes me think I'm not the first girl he's done this to. He says, "My my, you are a very pretty girl. The best body I've seen in a long time." And then he squeezed my breasts really hard, and it hurt. I had bruises this morning from where he touched and bit my chest. I started crying when he shoved his tounge in my mouth. It was the worst feeling, having your stepdad kiss you. Not to mention it was my first kiss.
I need to stop for a minute.
After he was satisfied with the one-way make-out, he pulled his large body off of mine and took off his clothes. I had closed my eyes, not wanting to see anything, as I continued to shed tears. I felt extremely uncomfortable laying on a bed, buck naked, in front of my mother's husband. He yelled at me, "Look at me when I shove myself into you!" My whimper was muffled as I slowly opened my tear-filled eyes. He had a satisfied smirk on his cold face as he crawled on top of me. I knew this was going to hurt; I was a virgin. He positioned himself, then forcefully shoved into me. It hurt so bad as he broke me. I screamed into the fabric, but he was too busy thrusting into me to notice. He grunted out, "Ah, you're a virgin. Virgins are my favorites, they're so tight." I couldn't control the way my body acted, and I felt myself come, but I felt no pleasure. The pain was unbearable, and the jerk that raped me wasn't worthy. I felt him come inside of me, and then he pulled out. He told me that if I ever told anybody, he would kill me, and I believed him. After what he did that night, I had no doubt that he would kill me. He untied me and told me to get dressed before my mother got home.
I got dressed and made it to the living area just as my mom came through the door. Phil was on the couch, pretending to watch T.V. I quickly told my mom that I didn't feel well and needed to go home.
I cried the whole way home, and when I got there, I ran to my room and cried all night.
That man stole my first kiss and my virginity. Those aren't things I'll ever get back.
I know who I wanted to take me. Edward is my best friend, and I've recently felt deeper feelings towards him. I loved him as more than a friend. I really, truly, loved him, and planned to lose my virginity to him, but now that can never happen.
The thunder rolled outside. I felt tears falling down my face as I read what that sick man did to Bella. How could somebody do that? Who really has that much guts to rape somebody? They think it will make them a man? It makes them a disgusting little boy. I almost vomited right there, but managed to keep it inside.
But she loved me. She wanted me to take her virginity. She loved me.
And now she's gone. Because of him.
I should have told her.
I hastily wiped away the tears and found the date of when she told me.
February 23rd, 2009
I told Edward today. He's the only person I can trust enough to tell. I knew that he wouldn't say anything to anybody if I asked him to. I basically broke down when he opened the door. I didn't tell him the details, because all I got out before I couldn't speak was, "Phil raped me." I almost told him that I loved him when he let me ruin his shirt and let me cry all night in his arms, but I had to think about the plan I came up with last night, and telling him how I feel wasn't part of the plan.
Plan? She had a plan? I flipped the page back to the entry before the 23rd.
February 22nd, 2009
I woke up feeling dirty. Completely useless and dirty. So I came up with a plan during school today. I'm going to commit suicide. I mean, I have nothing to live for anyways, and Phil will eventually do it himself, so why not get it over with. He took my life away. Even Edward can't understand the feelings I have to deal with. It's not something I can get help with, I'll forever have to deal with these problems.
I don't know when I'll do it, but it won't be for awhile. It has to be thought out carefully. I won't talk about last night to Edward after I tell him, that way he will think I've gotten over it and won't ask me to talk about it. I know my best friend, he'll try and force me to go to therapy. I'm not going to a shrink.
For now, I'm going to bed and wallow in self-pity.
So she decided the night after it happened. It had nothing to do with her depression. The depression was brought on by her decision. She felt like she didn't matter to anybody, all they did was push her around and hurt her. She didn't really realize how much she meant to people in this small town. Everybody adored and cared for her. The whole town attended her funeral, and there wasn't a dry eye in the place. But she didn't feel that way. She only saw the bad in people after the rape.
I flipped to the one month "anniversary" entry.
March 20th, 2009
I've been thinking about the suicide, and I've decided the best day to do it is on an anniversary of that night. Not today, because I can't find the courage to do it just yet. In order to do this, I have decided to fake sick on the 20th of every month. It's not so much that I don't want to be around people as it is that it will make it easier for me to pull this off. I don't know how I'm going to kill myself yet, but I've thought about shooting myself with Charlie's gun, or slitting my throat.
Edward tells me every day that I need to talk to somebody. He says I've changed, and that he wants his best friend back. I personally haven't noticed any differences in myself, only that I've lost a few pounds. I'm still the same Bella. Well, without her virginity.
She put so much thought into this. My heart broke every time she mentioned something about her being scum. That bastard was going to pay once he got out of prison.
And I did keep bringing up therapy because I saw how much she changed every single day. She would lose a few pounds every couple of days, and the circles under her eyes would get darker as time went on. The changes were more than just the physical ones, too. As each week passed, she started to break away from people, and she didn't volunteer anymore. She was a walking zombie. She wasn't the girl I fell in love with.
I turned to the second anniversary page.
April 20th, 2009
I'm not doing it today. I'm pretty sure it will be next month though. I researched ways to commit suicide today and I know how I'm going to do it. I'm going to hang myself. It's suppose to kill you within a minute if you do it right. I figure that I'll suffer for a minute, just enough to remind myself that I deserved this, I'm at the bottom of the food chain. Nobody needs me, I'm useless.
Charlie took me to a doctor when he got home from work. He said he was worried about me because I didn't look good. Thanks dad. Further proof that I needed to do this soon. The doctor sent me to a shrink, and I couldn't say no. The shrink said I had Major Depression. He said it was up to me if I wanted to seek help, and I silently thanked God for that. I declined help and told him that I was perfectly fine and that he just wanted our money. There was nothing wrong with me. I'm just as sane as the rest of the population.
Bella was in denial. She didn't see what she was doing to herself. And I also felt anger towards Charlie for not forcing Bella to go to counseling. I can't do everything myself!
So, I know how she decided to hang herself, and I know when she decided to kill herself. I knew that she felt worthless, and she didn't see herself clearly. The rest of my questions were left unanswered though, so I flipped to the day of her death.
May 20th, 2009
The day is finally here. Charlie still hasn't connected the dates that I fake sick, but he never was very observant. I'm feeling confident with my choices, and I know this is the right thing to do. Nobody can help me, and I can't keep living my life. I wasn't meant to live.
Over the past month, I tried to make things easier for today. I stopped eating unless it was with Charlie, then I would eat a ton and throw it up later. I lost a lot of weight, and I was happy with that. It makes me lighter for the pole I'll hang from. I guess the only thing left is to say goodbye.
Edward, I know you'll eventually read this journal once I'm gone (yes, I know you know where I keep it, and I appreciate you not reading it) and I just want to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry it had to end this way, and I'm sorry for not telling you anything. I knew you'd try to stop me, and I couldn't have that happen. I needed to do this, there wasn't any other option. I'm sorry for leaving you alone, but you have your family. I know you'll end up to be great at whatever you choose to do with your life, and I'm positive that you will find love. Just be happy, okay? Can you do that for me?
I love you. I'm sorry.
I was once again in tears as I read the last entry in her journal. Frusterated, I threw the journal on the floor and crumbled to pieces.
I should have told her that I loved her. I should have tried to help her. Instead I went on pretending nothing was wrong. I could have saved her.
But these are all "what ifs". I can't change the past. I have to move on with my life.
I got off of my lazy ass and picked tulips from my mother's garden. I drove to Bella's grave and sat down in front of it. I didn't really notice the storm that was currently taking place all around me. All I focused on was Bella.
"Hey Bells, it's me. I brought you some flowers. They're tulips, the flower for true love." I put the flowers in the front of her headstone and continued. "I read your journal, and your right, I can't understand why you did it. But I want you to know that I love you too, and I'm going to try and move on. It's going to be hard, because I miss you so much, but I have to respect your wishes. I never could deny you." I laughed lightly. "You have to know that the people in Forks loved you to death-no pun intended-and we would do just about anything for you. You could have came to me, talked to me. You didn't have to take your life. I can't change the past, and what's done is done, so I will try to find happiness again. I forgive you, and I love you."
I sat there, sniffling and crying, for the longest time, until Alice came and pulled me into her arms. I was soaked with rain, but she didn't care. She didn't say anything, just held me, and it reminded me of when Bella came to me, four months ago.
I had some sort of closure now. While a part of my heart will always be broken and belong to Bella, I would search for happiness.
I would move on, for the first love of my life.