Cullenly Camping: Bella's First Trip
The Cullens are famous for skipping out on school to go camping, aren't they? One day, they decide to take Bella along with them as hilarity ensues! Minor language and minor sexual refrences.
1. Chapter 1
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The Beginning of the End
I was never really the outdoorsy type.
I mean, sure I was into the sunshine and going to the beach, like any normal person, but honestly, camping out in the middle of the woods really wasn’t my cup of tea. I preferred indoor plumbing and some sort of cushion to sleep on.
Which was why I was reluctant to embark on an infamous Cullen camping trip.
But honestly, who could say no to Edward Cullen?
In an attempt to persuade me, Alice had told me that I would come back mentally stable with all my limps intact with my body, which was slightly comforting, but probably all she could tell me without lying. Edward had told me that he’d forbidden Emmett from placing any creature with four legs or more into my sleeping bag, which didn’t make me feel much better. I recall telling him that it would be better for me to stay home, and that there; I wouldn’t have any chance of having some kind of insect in my sleeping quarters.
But then he turned on the charm.
Because of this extreme advantage he had over me, I was currently sitting in the back of Edward’s jeep, sulking like a little girl who had just been denied her candy.
“Cheer up, Bells,” Emmett said in a chipper voice from the front seat, “it won’t be that bad. Besides, Edward told me I can’t put bugs in your sleeping bag. So that’s a plus for you!” I scowled and stuck my tongue out at him, making sure he could see it in the rear view mirror.
I felt Edward’s arm snake around my shoulders, but I quickly shrugged him off. I was still mad at him.
He chuckled softly. “Oh please, Bella. Stop being such a sour-puss. I know you’re going to enjoy seeing Emmett make an utter fool out of himself,” he told me in his intoxicating velvet voice. I felt the corner of my mouth twitch slightly, picturing Emmett doing something extremely stupid in my head.
Edward chuckled in the seat beside me. He had obviously noticed my fight to stifle the silly grin that was threatening to break out on my face. “Ah, see? I told you.” I heard Emmett mumbling in front of us, saying something along the lines of ‘at least I’m not a sexually repressed prude.’ Edward heard his thoughts and kicked the chair in front of him.
“Jesus, Ed, have some respect for Solange,” Emmett said, patting the headrest of the passenger seat which contained a very annoyed looking Rosalie. I suddenly burst out laughing at the name of the Jeep. Solange? Really?
“Solange?” I said between giggles. Tears were filling my eyes as I glanced at Edward, who was smiling broadly, and then to Rosalie who looked like she was about to crack a smile.
“Yeah, you know. Like Solange Knowles? Beyonce’s hot sister?” he said, earning a smack in the back of the head from Rosalie.
“Hey! Don’t distract the driver!” Emmett exclaimed, purposefully swerving on the dirt road for effect, causing me to immediately stop laughing and grip onto Edward’s arm.
“I’ll show ya distraction,” Rosalie mumbled quietly, flipping her blonde hair over her shoulder and turning her attention to the scenery out the window.
We were driving through the woods now, obviously a man-made, or rather, vampire-made trail that led, from what I understood into the middle of Montana. I had initially thought that the ride would be extremely long and grueling, but with Emmett’s insane driving, which, by the way, made me nauseous at times, we were making excellent time, and were due at the campsite within the next minute.
As the Jeep jerked to a stop, and Emmett screamed something about ‘arriving in paradise,’ I unbuckled my seatbelt and looked out the window. It was an open meadow, at least an acre, with a light blanket of grass covering the entire field, and trees outlining the outside. It distinctly reminded me of a larger version of Edward and my meadow.
Edward helped me out of the car as we greeted Alice, Jasper, Carlisle, and Esme who pulled up in my ‘before,’ car, the Guardian, which I had insisted upon taking with us since I’d do anything to get rid of it.
“Hi Bella!” Alice exclaimed, jumping out of the backseat of the Guardian and running over to hug me.
“Alice, I just saw you two hours ago,” I giggled as she released me.
“Oh Bella,” she said, not even bothering to retort to my comment. I heard a string of profanities coming from behind me and I turned to see Emmett holding a dark green bundle in his hand. I noticed that Jasper was also holding a hot pink one, Edward held a navy blue one, and Carlisle held an orange one.
I immediately started laughing when I realized what the object that had caused Emmett’s cursing was.
“Don’t tell me you guys have never set up tents before,” I said through my giggles, covering my mouth. Emmett shot me a dirty look.
“We haven’t had the need to, seeing as it is physically impossible for us to sleep!” he said while stamping his foot like a child, only making me laugh harder.
“Emmett, don’t be a jerk,” Carlisle said in a fatherly tone. “I figured it would be smart if we used tents this time, since one of us actually has physical needs, including the act of sleeping, and I thought it’s be a nice change for us,” he said, looking at me when he said ‘physical needs.’
Suddenly, Emmett’s face lit up with joy. I heard Edward groan from beside me, and guessed that what Emmett was thinking was not the cleanest thing in the world.
“Hey! I just thought of something! Now that we have tents, we don’t have to do the deed in the bushes anymore, Rose! Alice and Jasper have their own tent, and Carlisle and Esme! Hey, Bella, maybe it’s your lucky—“ Edward cut him off by tackling him to the ground while growling menacingly at him.
“Jesus, Edward. Don’t take it like a girl!” Emmett laughed between blows. I burst out laughing once again at the sight of my fiancée and my soon to be brother in law wrestling on the ground in front of us. The sight of tiny Alice trying to restrain huge Emmett because she was closer was almost too much for me to bear. I fell on the ground with a loud thump, holding my stomach and rolling around with laughter.
Edward immediately stopped wrestling with his brother and was at my side in the blink of an eye.
“Bella, are you alright?” Edward said worriedly. I heard Emmett howl with laughter, which only fueled my giggles.
“Hey. You’re laughing,” he observed. I nodded and pointed to my nose in the universal ‘yes’ sign.
“Okay, before Bella’s head explodes, why don’t we go set up camp?” Carlisle suggested. I stood up the best I could after I’d calmed down and followed Edward to a flat, grassy spot near the edge of the field. He set the bundle of tent on the ground and stared at it, as if that would do anything.
“Edward?” I asked, confused by his actions. He stood there, motionless, so I rolled my eyes and began pitching the tent on my own. Within ten minutes, I had the tent pitched and standing up perfectly.
I pretended to shine my nails on my shirt. “Ah, looks like I’ve found one thing that I can do better than Edward Cullen,” I said, happily. He smiled and kissed my forehead as we proceeded retrieve our bags from the back of the Jeep and roll out the queen sized sleeping bag that Edward had obviously bought especially for this occasion.
“BELLA!” Alice squeaked. I poked my head out of the tent and immediately broke into giggles, yet again. Alice was in the process of pitching her and Jasper’s tent across from ours, and it looked like she was about to have a conniption, is that was even possible for vampires.
The poles that were meant to be the skeleton of the tent were sticking out all over the place, while the zipper was closed all the way with a piece of Alice’s hair stuck in it. It looked like Jasper was zipped up inside, because there was a large lump moving around, an occasional curse being uttered.
“Jasper! Stop moving the zipper or you’ll give me split ends. I am not living another eternity with split ends!” Alice exclaimed with a pout on her face. I leaned in and examined the tangled mess. I plastered a fake look of horror on my face before I slowly lowered my face to Alice’s.
“Alice,” I said calmly. Her eyes widened.
“Oh, Jesus. I didn’t see this coming. What is it Bella?!” she exclaimed, near hysterics. I had never seen her so flustered before, and I was enjoying it immensely.
“I think I’m going to need to cut it,” I said slowly in a whisper. Before I could pull my head away from her, she let out the most blood curdling scream imaginable, and started hyperventilating, which I didn’t think was possible for a vampire, since they didn’t have the potent need for oxygen anyway. At the look on her face, I lost it. I burst into hysterical giggles, holding onto Alice’s shoulder for support.
“What? What was that scream?” Edward asked, rushing out of the woods at top speed. He’d mentioned before that he was going on a quick run, and I suspected that was where he was coming from.
“Alice…hair…kidding!” I gasped between giggles. Alice caught the last part and gave me an evil look.
“Bella Swan, just for that, you’re wedding will be the biggest bash I’ve ever planned,” she said, crossing her arms.
“Oh Alice,” I said, easily prying her hair from the zipper and unzipping it all the way, freeing Jasper.
“I thought I was going to suffocate in there,” he joked, earning himself an eye roll from me and an elbow in the ribs from Alice. I quickly helped them pitched their tent, and we headed over to where Rosalie and Emmett were pathetically trying to conquer the task at hand.
“Hey Bella! Look at me!” Emmett said as we reached the other side of Alice and Jasper’s tent. And covered my mouth when I saw him. He had one of the tent poles shoved between his legs, causing it to jut out in a long straight line, looking like an extremely aroused penis.
“Jesus, Emmett,” Edward said when he came around the corner and caught sight of his brother.
“And this is Edward,” Emmett said as he reached behind him pulled the pole away from his body, leaving only a little bit in front of him.
Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Jasper clasp his arms firmly around Edward’s, restraining him in place. Edward growled slightly at Emmett, causing me to start cracking up all over again. I put my hand on his shoulder to reassure him.
“Come on, Edward. Have a sense of humor. He was only kidding around,” I said, when my giggles had subsided. I quickly helped Emmett and Rosalie with their tent, as well, as Carlisle and Esme’s, and thought this might actually turn out uneventful.
How wrong I was.