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Crackfic XD

Summary:
Hey, this is mine and ScarlettBlush's joint efforts to bring you....THE ONE, THE ONLY....CRACKFIC XD!!!!
Why does Bella bitch slap Emmett? Why is Carlisle under Esme's order? What is WRONG with Emmett? Who do the unsinkable rubber ducks belong to? And WHY do they keep breaking out into song? Warning: May damage mental health.


Notes:
Oh deary me....


2. Mama, I'm a big girl now.

Rating 0/5   Word Count 2002   Review this Chapter

In Voltera…

“Oh yeah, Uh-huh, Oh, yeah, Uh huh” Aro sung

“Shit, what did he do now…” Jane questioned looking suspiciously around

“OMC!!! GUYS!! I JUST MADE LIKE DIS REALLY COOL THING, AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS, BUT IT’S A COOL DRINK THINGY, AND I MADE THE CULLENS BREATHE IT AND LIKE THE WOLVES DID AS WELL AND OH SHIT, I THINK I DID TOO....OMC WE’RE GONNA BURST INTO SONG…LIKE WHENEVER!! MWHAHAHAHAH!!!” He laughed evilly and clapped his hands together jumping up and down like a retard

“Now…Let’s visit the Cullen’s” He looked Alec and Jane up and down and a smile broke across his face. Jane quickly said the first thing she thought

“Errr.....ok?!” She looked hopeful…

“Yes! WONDERFUL!! I shall see thee upon my return!” then he was gone…

“Phew…That was a close one” Jane breathed relieved

“I’ll say!” Alec agreed

“HEY GUYS! ARO’S GONE! PARTY!” Felix shouted jumping up and down like a retarded squirrel

“YEA!!!” They all screamed and grabbed nearby unsuspecting humans and started draining them dry. An ordinary day in Voltera

Back at the Cullen’s…

Bella walked up the Cullen mansion and knocked on the door,

“OOOH A VISITOR!!” Emmet roared and pulled the door opened, his face twisted into horror as he saw Bella standing there…

“AHHHHHHHHH, OMC ITS BELLA HIDEEEEE!” Emmett screamed and slammed the door in her face.

“Hey!” Edward called

Emmett walked 2 steps away before another knock at the door interrupted

“Ugh! Bella go away!” Emmet shouted back

“It is I! ARO the magnificent!” Aro called

Emmet screamed and ran to open to door

“OMC!!! ARO, LIKE IT’S, SLUMER PARTY TIME!” Emmet screamed in a very girlish like tone jumping up and down

“YAH, YOU GOT IT BITCH!” Aro screamed back.

Aro walked in with Emmet by his side

“YO PEEPS!! SUP MA HOMMIES!!” Aro called throwing himself unfront of everyone grinning looking cross eyed at everyone

At that moment there was a big crash and a bang outside

CRASH BANG! BOOM!! KAPOW! And then suddenly and unexpected tank drove right through the wall with…Bella…Inside…

“WHAT DA FUCK MAN?” Aro screamed at her. Emmet’s face was twisted in horror…He didn’t want to be Bitch Slapped again…Emmet shuddered at the memory and crouched down in his Emo corner, sucking his thumb rolling back and forth..

Jasper didn’t notice anything had happened he was too busy glaring at a glass of orange juice, crossing his brows trying to move it, he had been doing that for 3 and a half hours now, not moving or breathing just glaring at this un moving glass, and he hadn’t even noticed a tank coming through the wall…

“OK BITCHES, DO WHAT I SAY OR GET BITCH SLAPPED. EMMETT, GET ME SOME LEMONADE! NOW” Bella screeched

“Yes Ma’am” and Emmett ran out the door to go get her some

“EDWARD! GET YOUR ASS UP HERE N STRIP!” She screamed at him, twitching.

“Yes Dear” he was there in a flash

Edward started stripping and twirling round the pole.

“RIGHT! ROSE, ALICE GOES FIND ME A QUEEN OUTFIT!!! NOW!”


“Yes Mistress Bella” then they were gone

“CARLISLE, ESME! ESME, RUN ME A BATH! CARLISLE, GET OUT OF MY SIGHT ” She screamed at them

“Yes Queen Bella” they were doing their jobs in a flash

“ARO! WORSHIP ME!”

“With pleasure dearest one” He quickly got down and worshiped her kissing her feet

“YEAH THAT’S RIGHT BIATCHES! WORK FOR ME YOU-“ She cut of mid sentence as she noticed Jasper wasn’t doing anything

“*sigh*” She sighed

“JASPER, GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH!”

He sat there, unmoving, still staring at the glass, never once looking away, he showed no sign that he heard her

“JASPER!?” She said throwing a dildo at him

“JASPERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” She screamed

And then in utter horror something terrible happened…

In the Kitchen…

Emmett’s mind

Damnit! The lid won’t unscrew on the Lemonade! Shit! NO!!! BELLA’S GONNA KILL ME! Or worse…SHE’LL BITCH SLAP ME!! ZOMG! NOOOO!!!

Out of Emmett’s mind (Thank God for that...)

Emmett started panicking and running around, and screaming “NEED HELP!! HELP ME!!! SOMEBODY HELP MEEE!!!”

(Very suddenly The Kitchen was transformed into a concert, the walls moved round and a screaming crowd, people stood there clapping and screaming as the music started.)

Emmett recognized the song and started singing.


“Don't contradict me!

Don't disobey me!

Don't even think about going to
that audition.

Please!

No!

Mother!!!!

Stop!

Stop telling me what to do

Don't!

Don't treat me like a child of two

No!

I know that you want what's best

Please!

But mother, please,

Give it a rest!!!

Stop! Don't! No! Please!
Stop! Don't! No! Please!
Stop! Don't! No! Please!
Mama. I'm a big girl now!

Once upon a time when I was just a kid
You never let me do just what the older kids did
But lose that laundry list of what you won't allow

'Cause mama, I’m a big girl now

Once upon a time I used to play with childhood toys
But now I’d rather play around with teenage boys
So, if I get a hickey, please don't have a cow

'Cause mama, I’m a big girl now

Ma, I gotta tell you that without a doubt
I get my best dancing lessons from you
You're the one who taught me how to "twist and shout"
Because you shout non-stop
And you're so twisted too!
Wo -oh -oh -oh -oh

Once I used to fidget
'Cause I just sat home

But now I’m just like a gidget WRONG; But now I’m just like Gidget
And I gotta get to Rome!

So say, arrivederci!

Toodle-loo!

And ciao!

'Cause mama, I’m a big girl now

Stop! Don't! No! Please!
Stop! Don't! No! Please!
Stop! Don't! No! Please!

Mama, I’m a big girl now
(hey mama, say mama)

Once upon a time I was a shy young thing
Could barely walk and talk so much as dance and sing
But let me hit that stage, I wanna take my bow

'Cause mama, I’m a big girl now

Wo - oh - oh - oh - oh
Once upon a time I used to dress up 'ken'
But now that I’m a woman, I like bigger men
And I don't need a Barbie doll to show me how

'Cause mama, I’m a big girl now

Ma, you always taught me
What was right from wrong
And now I just wanna give it a try
Mama, I’ve been in the nest for far too long
So please give a push and mama watch me fly

Watch me fly

Hey, mama, say mama

Someday I will meet a man
You won't condemn

And we will have some kids
And you can torture them

But let me be a star
Before I take that vow

'Cause mama, I’m a big girl now

Oh - Oh - Oh

Mama, I’m a big girl now

Hey - Hey - Hey

Mama, I’m a big girl

Ooh, such a big, big girl!

I'm a big girl now

Stop! Don't! No! Please!
Stop! Don't! No! Please!
Stop! Don't! No! Please!

Mama, I’m a big girl now!!!”

Then the scene changed to a church and he was in a confession booth.


“What do you have to confess, my child?” the elderly priest? In the other booth said.

“Well, it started yesterday when Bella bitch slapped me, and made Jasper go Emo, but he’s normally like that except that yesterday, he ran upstairs after screaming EVERYTHING I KNOW IS A LIE, then there was a bang, a crash and a horrified scream, so Alice had to go up to comfort him and Esme got bossy, then Carlisle got depressed and Edward is Mr Perfect who can do no wrong, but then he had to strip for Bella, cause she’s a bitch-slapping-control-freak, and Alice and Rosalie are her slaves and her ‘Body Guards, they give her everything. We all do. We’re too scared to say no!” Emmet started to sob

“She might bitch slap us again!” He confessed

“Now tell me why did this happen? Is Bella a control freak? What’s wrong? Why did she bitch slap you?”

“I don’t know! I’ve been asking myself that question for years…Every night in bed it replays over in my head…I can’t sleep or dream but if I did I bet it be that…Sometimes at night I can still hear the screaming!”

“My child, sometimes you just have to stand up for what you believe in...how tall is this Bella?” he asked.

“5ft 4, average American girl next door” He whispered, looking around as if Bella could jump out any minute.

“And how does she bitch slap you? If you are bigger and stronger than her, then how…?” he said suspiciously.

Emmet just sat there motionless and then started to laugh and fidget nervously.

“My child, are you delusional?” The Priest asked, confused

“Oh…yeah…I think...” He confessed still confused…how the heck did he get here?

“Ok, I understand, now Emmet why don’t you stand up to Bella? Show her what you’re made off! I mean you’re a strong independent man! Don’t let that whore bitch slap you again!”

“GASP” Gasped Emmet

“GASP!” Gasped the readers (That’s your cue!)

“GASP!” Gasp the Author, you know a dramatic effect!

“BELLA IS NOT A WHORE AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE A PRIEST?!” He roared at the wall between them causing the audience to GASP!

“AND YOU SHOULDN’T BE SAYING WORDS LIKE THAT! IT’S MEAN! AND THIS IS RATED T!!!” Emmet snarled causing everyone to GASP again.

“SNARL, HISS, GROWL!” Snarled Hissed Growled Emmet.

“Emmett....Emmett.....Dude, can you hear me? EMMETT, WAKE UP!!!” The priest turned into Jasper. Emmet screamed and had a girlish fit. JASPER WAS A PRIEST?!! All because of Lemonade? NO!

He struggled, and felt himself being levitated and screamed.

“HELP! DON’T BITCH SLAP ME PLEAE! NOOOOO NOT ME TAKE THE LEMONADEEE!! NOOOOOO” Then suddenly the church started to fade and he saw the Priest’s face in the clouds saying “You can do this Emmet, I have faith In you…Show her what your made off and err turn the lid the OTHER WAY Emmet…You were turning it the wrong way…So…err…that’s all…Bye Bye” Then her face started to fade

“NOOOOOOO!” Screamed Emmet

“NOOOOOOO!” Screamed the Readers (Your Cue Again!!)

“NOOOOOOO!” Screamed the Author, for the dramatic effect…

Suddenly everything faded and he was back in the kitchen, screaming on the floor like a girl.

“EMMET! EMMET WTF ARE YOU DOING!” Rosalie screamed

“TAKE IT! I REFUSE TO BE A SLAVE FOR YOU BELLA! PLEASE DON’T HURT ME! TAKE THE LEMONADE! TAKE IT I DON’T CARE!!!!!” He picked up the lemonade and sprayed over everyone. (except Jasper who was still in the living room staring at the glass…)

Everyone started beating Emmet up and then suddenly Bella…Bella…BITCH SLAPPED HIM AGAIN!! He screamed and ran away to his Emo corner sobbing

“THAT’S WHAT YOU GET BIATCH! DON’T MESS WITH ME!!!” then she stormed off outside everyone followed kissing the ground she walked on…They didn’t want to be Bitch slapped…No…They couldn’t be bitch slapped…Never…

In The Living Room…

He concentrated on the Glass…He stared at it…It wouldn’t move…He mentally cursed at it…’STUPID GLASS THINKS YOU CAN OVER POWER ME!’ I WILL MOVE YOU!!! He stared at it longer…a little longer…’OMC!!! ARE YOU MOCKING ME!!! THAT’S IT!!! NO ONE MOCKS ME AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!

Suddenly Jasper picked up the glassed and with Inhuman speed threw it at the wall.

“HA! YOUR GLASSY POWERS ARE NO MACH FOR ME! NO ONE CAN BRING ME DOWN I’M A SLAVE FOR NO ONE!” He screamed at the glass shards broken on the floor.

Bella then walked passed, slapped him in the face and said “Go make me a smoothie with FRUIT not vegetables ”

“Yes Ma’am” Then he walked out the room and into the kitchen…

What a strange fucked up day today has been…Oh well…Strange for us…Ordinary for them…