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Crackfic XD

Summary:
Hey, this is mine and ScarlettBlush's joint efforts to bring you....THE ONE, THE ONLY....CRACKFIC XD!!!!
Why does Bella bitch slap Emmett? Why is Carlisle under Esme's order? What is WRONG with Emmett? Who do the unsinkable rubber ducks belong to? And WHY do they keep breaking out into song? Warning: May damage mental health.


Notes:
Oh deary me....


3. Therapy

Rating 5/5   Word Count 2247   Review this Chapter

At the Cullen’s.....

“OK, THAT’S IT. YOU LOT ARE GOING TO THERAPY!!!” Carlisle screamed at the Cullen kids.

“Gah, why?” Emmett grumbled.

Carlisle stuffed them all in a bag and tossed them in the car.

“You. Are. Going. To. Therapy.” He said through gritted teeth, driving off to the therapy department.

He dumped them in the office and left, after explaining to the therapist why they’re there.

“So, you are the Cullen’s?” The therapist asked, looking at Jasper who was staring intently at a phone.

Emmett stood up and dusted himself off.

“Yah, we’re not blenders are we?”

“OOH, BLENDERS, SHINY, WHERE?!” Alice screamed.

“Tha phone.....Tis mocking me...” Jasper mumbled.

The therapist picked the phone up slowly, and backed away with it, never breaking eye contact...

Edward then started singing.

He jumped up on the (or was it a chair? It’s a therapists, they generally have more than one chair) chair, and the music started.

(Jasper and Emmett manly la-la in the background)

Edward:

I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay.

I sleep all night and I work all day.

Jasper and Emmett:

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.

He sleeps all night and he works all day.

Edward:

I cut down trees. I eat my lunch.

I go to the lavatoryyyy.

On Wednesdays I go shoppin'

And have buttered scones for tea.

Jasper and Emmett:

He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch.

He goes to the lavatoryyyy.

On Wednesdays he goes shoppin'

And has buttered scones for tea.

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.

He sleeps all night and he works all day.

Edward:

I cut down trees. I skip and jump.

I like to press wild flowers (flahrs).

I put on women's clothing

And hang around in bars.

Jasper and Emmett:

He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps.

He likes to press wild flowers (flahrs).

He puts on women's clothing

And hangs around in...bars?!

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.

He sleeps all night and he works all day.

Edward:

I cut down trees. I wear high heels,

Suspendies and a bra.

I wish I'd been a girlie,

Just like my dear Papa.

Jasper and Emmett:

He cuts down trees. He wears high heels,

Suspendies and a bra?!

[Bella: talking]

What's this? Wants to be a girlie?! Oh, My!

And I thought you were so rugged! Poofter!

[Singing]

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.

He sleeps all night and he works all day.

He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaay.

He sleeps all night and he works all day

In the therapists mind....

Oh my goodness, that poor boy, wants to be a cross dresser lumberjack....he needs help....maybe I can help; after all I AM a therapist. Ohmigosh, therapist looks like The Rapist. OH NO!! What now?!

Out of the therapists mind....

Jasper was staring intently at a picture of a fluffy bunny on the wall.

“That...THAT....THAT....THAT BUNNY.....IT’S MOCKING ME......” Jasper screamed.

He picked it up and threw it out the window.

“TAKE THAT FLUFFY MOCKING BUNNY MWHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA” Jasper yelled/evil laughed.

Bella marched over to Jasper.

She took up the required position.

And kicked him out the window.

He screamed all the way down.

*Thump*

“Well, now that we’ve got that out of the way, why don’t we have a nice cup of tea”, Bella said, smirking.

“You-bu-huh-wha? HUH, HOW DID YOU DO THAT?! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT, WE NEED TO CALL AN AMBULANCE” the therapist stuttered.

“Nahhh, don’t worry, Jazz falls out of windows all the time, he’ll live” Emmett told him.

As if right on cue, Jasper stumbled through the door, covered in leaves and thorns.

He collapsed on the floor and started singing to himself.

“I’m a little teapot, short and stout, Here’s my handle, here’s my spout.....”

When he finished that, he started on the alphabet song.

“Yah, don’t worry bout him, that’s perfectly normal....” Emmett said.

“For him anyway...” Bella said under her breath.

In the therapists mind:

Omg, these people need HELP!!!!

Out of the therapists mind and back into the real world.

They all looked at Jasper who was on the floor, singing Ba Ba Black Sheep to himself.

He suddenly stopped and screamed at them.

“DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT”

The windows broke.

Then Jasper started singing....

“She said she needed a break
A little time to think
But then she went to Cleveland
With some guy named Leelan
That she met at the bank

There's nothing wrong with Ohio
Except the snow and the rain
I really like Drew Carey
And I'd love the Scene, the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame

[Pre-chorus:]
So when you're done doing whatever
And when you're through doing whoever
You know Denton County will be right here waiting for you....

[Chorus:]
Come back to Texas
It's just not the same since you went away
Before you lose your accent
And forget all about the Lonestar State
There's a seat for you at the rodeo
And I've got every slow dance saved
Besides the Mexican food sucks north of here anyway

I think I made a mistake
It's not that easy to take
She went to make a deposit
Then she cleaned out her closet
Guess I'll sit here and wait

For her to come back home (I'd wish you come back home)
It shouldn't take very long (so long so long)
I bet she misses the sunrise
And Mrs. Baird's fruit pies but I could be wrong

[Pre-chorus]

[Chorus]

Troy Aikman wants you back
Willie Nelson wants you back
NASA wants you back
And the Bush twins want you back
And Pantera wants you back
And Blue Bell wants you back

I got a premonition
I'm taking a petition
And the whole state's gonna sign

Come back to Texas
It's just not the same since you went away
Before you lose your accent
And forget all about the Lone Star State
There's a seat for you at the rodeo
And I've got every slow dance saved

Come back to Texas
It's just not the same since you went away
Before you lose your accent
And forget all about the Lone Star State
There's a seat for you at the rodeo
And I've got every slow dance saved
Besides the Mexican food sucks north of here anyway
Besides the Mexican food sucks north of here anyway
Besides the Mexican food sucks north of here Anywayyyy

Yeahhhhh......”

The therapist just uh-ed then told them to all take a seat.

He gave them pieces of paper and a pen.

“Now, I want you to write your full names on the paper” he said, looking over at them.

Edward-Edward Anthony Masen Cullen

Alice-Mary Alice Brandon Hale Cullen

Jasper-Jasper Whitlock Cullen Hale

Bella-Isabella Marie Swan Cullen

Emmett-Emmett McCarty Cullen

Rosalie-Rosalie Lillian Cullen Hale

“Now, tell me a bit about yourselves, Edward first.” He said, looking at Edward curiously.

“Well, I’m Edward Cullen, and I play piano, I’m married to Bella, I drive a shiny, silver Volvo.” Edward muttered.

“Ok, Alice?” he said.

“I’m a shopaholic, I love dressing up, I’m married to Jasper and I drive a yellow Porche.” She gabbled in one big rush.

“Jasper?”

“Uh, well, I’m very sensitive, I like eggs and I’m married to the demon pixie called Alice Cullen, and I drive a pit bull motorbike, according to some crazed fangirl.......and I like the confederates ” Jasper mumbled looking at the floor.

“Bella?”

“I’m clumsy, I hate shopping, Emmett teases me, I’m married to Edward and I drive a red Ferrari....” Bella said glaring at Emmett.

“Emmett?” the rapist, I mean therapist said, looking over at him.

“Uh, well....I like teasing Bella, Eddie here hates me for teasing Bella, I’m married to Rose, I like baseball and I drive a Jeep.” Emmett randomly started laughing and Edward started fuming.

“Rosalie?”

“I’m pretty, I love shopping, I’m married to the idiot formally known as Emmett, I drive a red BMW M6 and I fix cars alot” Rosalie said, smacking Emmett and checking her nails.

“Ok,” the therapist said, “We’re gonna try an activity”

Jasper smacked his head on a potted plant.

“Uh, Jasper?” the therapist, “I don’t think you should do that?”

Jasper growled at him and the therapist backed away.

“Boys, I would like you to stay here and I would like the girls to go outside, into the next room” the therapist said.

The girls walked out of the room, grumbling something about why the hell Carlisle made them do this, and when can they go home?

Once the girls were gone, the therapist turned to the boys and said this to them:

“We are going to look at what the girls do to you...Emmett first”

“Uh, well Rosalie lurrrves me, Bella bitch slaps me, and Alice give me makeovers....” Emmett mumbled, looking embarrassed

“Edward?”

“Uh, pretty much the same, except me lurrrves Bella and Rosalie gives me makeovers and smashes my piano, but Bella makes me strip dance...” Edward muttered, glaring at the door in question.

“Jasper?”

Jasper was staring at the chair.

He picked it up.

He threw it out the window.

“Yes?”

“What do those girls do to you?” the therapist asked again.

“Uh, well, Alice lurrrves me, I’m Bella’s servant and Rosalie broke my arm last month....twice.....” Jasper said, staring at the potted plant.

“You have to stand up to those girls. YOU HAVE TO SHOW THEM THAT MALES ARE THE DOMINANT SPIECES HERE, AND THAT YOU WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS KIND OF NONSENSE!” the therapist, standing up on the desk and doing this weird dance.

Emmett leaned over to Jasper and Edward....

“I think the therapist needs therapy!!”

He said in vamp speak.

They cracked up laughing and the therapist looked at them like they were crazy, and they’d just gotten up on a desk and danced....

Quick as a flash, Emmett pulled down the therapist’s trousers.

He was wearing My Little Pony undies, and had a raging hard on.....

“LYK, PMC”, Edward screamed, “YOU LYK MY LITTLE PONY TOO!! Oh, fuck, you perv, you’ve got a hard-on....pmc....”

Emmett pulled down Edward’s trousers...

He was wearing My Little Pony undies too.

Emmett pulled down Jaspers.

He had Night at the Museum 2 undies.

Emmett pulled down his own.

Crap!

He forgot to put his on this morning!

Damnit!

And he forgot to shave.....down there!

O_o....

Well, it’s safe to say, they were now scarred for life after seeing Emmett like that.

Jasper and Edward screamed and covered their eyes.

The rapist, sorry therapist, fainted and fell off the desk, out the window and went splat on the sidewalk.

Oh dear.

Jasper went over to the window, uncovered his eyes, and peered down.

He leaned a bit too far out and fell out.

*SPLAT*

Crap, I think he landed ON the therapist.

Then Emmett, being the retard he is, decided to launch himself out too.

He landed on top of both of them.

Edward thought Sod it all and jumped out after them.

The rapist, sorry therapist, ended up in hospital, with a broken neck, leg, arms, fingers, ribs, pelvis and a broken skull.

They were going back tomorrow for the girls.

I feel sorry for the next one.

Edward went to the hospital, with some flowers for the rapist, therapist.

Too bad, he was in a coma....

Or was he dead?

I don’t know, he’s a rapist.

No, really.

No, not really.

Really?

Nah, not really.

How do you know?

I don’t, but I’m the author.

Great, here we go again. I’m talking to myself.

Well, we have time for ONE LAST SONG, SUNG BY EMMETT.

Whoo.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
And they're life, it's better than yours
Damn right it's better than yours
I could teach you
But I have to charge

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
And they're life, it's better than yours
Damn right it's better than yours
I could teach you
But I have to charge

I know you want it
The thing that makes me
What the guys go crazy for
They lose their minds
The way I whine
I think it's time

La,La,La,La,La
Warm it up
La,La,La,La,La
The boys are waiting
La,la,La,La,La
Warm it up
La,La,La,La,La
The boys are waiting

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
And they're life, it's better than yours
Damn right it's better than yours
I could teach you but I have to charge

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
And they're life, it's better than yours
Damn right it's better than yours
I could teach you but I have to charge

I see you're on it
You want me to teach thee
Techniques that freaks these boys
It can't be bought
Just know things get caught
Watch if you're smart

La,La,La,La,La
Warm it up
La,La,La,La,La
The boys are waiting
La,La,La,La,La,
Warm it up
La,La,La,La,La
The boys are waiting

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
And they're life, it's better than yours
Damn right it's better than yours
I could teach you but I have to charge

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
And they're life, it's better than yours
Damn right it's better than yours
I could teach you but I have to charge

Oh, once you get involved
Everyone will look this way, so
You must maintain your charm
same time maintain your halo
Just get the perfect blend
Plus what you have within
Then next his eyes are squint
Then he's picked up your scent

La,La,La,La,La
Warm it up
La,La,La,La,La
The boys are waiting
La,La,La,La,La
Warm it up
La,La,La,La,La
The boys are waiting

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
And they're life, it's better than yours
Damn right it's better than yours
I could teach you but I have to charge

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
And they're life, it's better than yours
Damn right it's better than yours
I could teach you but I have to charge.

Emmett finished with a flourish.

“YEAH, HOWS DAT FOR EM-STYLE?” He screamed at no-one in particular.

“EMMETT, GET THE FUCK IN HERE, I WANT SEX” Rosalie screamed from the bedroom.

He ran for it.