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CRACKFIC XD

Summary:
Mine and -SiLvEr_Hale's joint efforts to bring you....THE ONE, THE ONLY, CRACKFIC XD!!! Why does Bella bitch slap Emmett? Why is Carlisle under Esme's command? Why is Emmett so stupid? And who do those unsinkable rubber ducks belong to? Warning: May damage mental health.


Notes:
Oh deary me....


1. Bitch slap.

Rating 5/5   Word Count 1459   Review this Chapter

One day Emmett ran in crying non-existent tears.

Esme immediately went to see what was wrong.

“Emmett, dear, what’s wrong?” she soothed.

“I-I-it w-w-was B-b-Bella, she b-bitch s-slapped m-me”, Emmett sobbed.

Just then Bella came in.

“Yo peepz, wazzup?” She said.

“NOOO, BELLA’S BACK” Emmett screamed.

“Yeah, dat’s right and I’m gonna rock it suckaz”, Then she started singing with Edward.

Bella: This fuckin’ song is ALL personality,

Edward: DUDE, that’s just SHIT,

Edward: Well we've all heard about
how the guys in the band
Weren't the popular kids in school
Bella: And now you hate your parents
'cause of the way you turned out
But in the end the blame's on you

Edward: And we all sympathize with your torn-apart heart
And your really artistic worldly views
It sells records when you're sad these days
It's super cool to be mad these days

Bella: I think rock and roll is really funny
when it's serious

Edward: Don't hate us 'cause we're happy
Bella: Don't hate us 'cause we're beautiful
Both: Don't hate us if we make you smile
Or if we go the extra mile
Edward: To make someone feel better
on a really shitty day
And if you're hearing what I'm saying then
I want you to say, "I'm gay!" (I'm gay!)
Bella: Say, "I'm gay!" (I'm gay!)

Edward: Let's start a movement, let's start it right now
And if you don't know where to start
Bella: I can show you I'm your new team captain
Put your left hand over your heart
and repeat after me

It's perfectly fine to be a happy individual
Edward: It's perfectly fine to be a happy individual
Alice, Rosalie? You guys wanna join in?
(Yeah, buddy. Sure. Sorry Dude)
Alice: It's perfectly fine to be a happy individual
Rosalie: It's perfectly fine to be a happy individual
Bella: Very Nice. Very Nice.

Edward: Don't hate us 'cause we're happy
Bella: Don't hate us 'cause we're beautiful
Both: Don't hate us if we make you smile
Or if we go the extra mile
Edward: To make someone feel better
on a really shitty day
And if you're hearing what I'm saying then
I want you to say, "I'm gay!" (I'm gay!)
Bella: Say, "I'm gay!" (I'm gay!)

Edward: That's right, ladies and gentleman!
Pick up the phone
'cause Edward and Bella are on the line!
Bella: And you don't have to be sad anymore!
Edward: You don't have to be mad anymore!
We can all join hands and do ring around
the freaking rosie!
Bella: In fact, can we can get some "La la's up in here?

Edward: It sells records when you're sad these days
It's super cool to be mad these days
I think rock and roll is really funny
When it's serious

Bella: Yo, where my "La la’s at!

Edward: La la-la la, la-la la-la
La la la la
La la-la la, la-la la-la
La la la la
La la-la la, la-la la-la
La la la la
La la-la la, la-la la-la
La la la la

Esme and Emmett stared at them in pure disbelief, and then Esme scraped her jaw off the ground and screamed for Carlisle.

“Yes, dearest wife, whom I love so very much, what can I do for you?” He gabbled.

“I think Edward and Bella have started drinking and doing drugs”, Esme said.

Carlisle falls to the ground and starts sobbing. “NOOO, WHERE DID I GO WRONG, WHERE? THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE PERFECT CHILDREN, NOOOO”

“CARLISLE GET THE FUCK OFF THAT FLOOR, I JUST CLEANED IT” Esme screamed at him then bitch slapped him.

“Yes dear”, Carlisle whimpers, then goes into the emo corner with Emmett and sobs.

“Yo peepz, wazzup? I ent on drugs. Hey, Eddie, you on drugs?” Bella said.

“Bella, why are you talking like that? Don’t call me Eddie. No I’m not on drugs” Edward muttered.

“Yo, dis how da cool peepz talk, ent dat right Emmett?” Bella said.

“Ya, dis how da cool peepz talk, N Bella, don’t you dare bitch slap me again, yo” Emmett said.

*Background Music starts*

Emmett: Oh, oh... Oh... Oh, snap!
Bella: Yeah.
Emmett: Oh, snap.
Bella: Say it, say it like you mean it. C'mon.
Emmett: Oh, snap!

[Music comes in]
Bella: I like this. Let's get some oh, snaps. Bring in the oh, snaps.
(Oh, snap!)
Emmett: That was a good one?
(Oh, snap!)
[Singing]
Bella: When I come into the club, step aside. (Oh, snap!)
Emmett: Part the seas, don’t be havin' me in the line. (Oh, snap!)
V.I.P., cause you know I gotta shine. (Oh, snap!)
Bella: I’m Bella Bells, and me love you long time. (Oh, snap!)
Emmett: All my girls get down on the floor, (Oh, snap!)
Bella: Back to back, drop it down real low. (Oh, snap!)
Emmett: I’m such a lady, but I’m dancing like a ho, (Oh, snap!)
Cause you know
Bella: I don’t give a ..., so here we go!

Both: How come every time you come around my London, London Bridge
wanna go down like London, London, London
Like London, London, London.
[X2]

Emmett: Now as the drinks start pouring,
And my speech start slurring,
everybody starts looking really...

Grey goose got your girl feeling loose.
Bella: Now I’m wishing that I didn’t wear these shoes.
It’s like every time I get up on the dew,
Paparazzi put my business in the news.

Emmett: And I'm like get up out my face. (Oh, snap!)
'Fore I turn around and spray your face with mace. (Oh, snap!)
Bella: My lips, you wanna have a taste. (Oh, snap!)
You got that?

[Speaking]
Emmett: Seriously, everyone in this club, I believe, is getting tipsy.
Bella: Uhh...
Emmett: Can we finish this?

[Singing]
Emmett: I got the bass!

Bella: How come every time you come around my London, London Bridge
wanna go down like London, London, London
Like London, London, London.
[X2]

Emmett: (La, la da, da, da, la da, da, da)
Bella: Me like a bullet type, you know they coming' right
Bella love em' long time
[X2]

[Speaking]
Bella: Oh, man. This feels good. Seriously, I'm not kidding, right now.
I wanna play this song forever and ever and ever.
I wanna go down in history as being the band that came to Yahoo and just played their hearts out.
And played forever and ever. And seriously, I want the chairman of the board to come in and pour champagne for everybody.
Because right now, I'm lovin' life. You guys lovin' life?
Emmett, you lovin' live? He's lovin' life. Are you lovin' life? Yes, he's lovin' life.
Emmett Yep, he's lovin' life.

[Singing]
Emmett: Oh, snap! (Oh, snap)
When I come into the club, step aside.
Part the seas, don’t be havin' me in the line.
V.I.P., cause you know I gotta shine.
Bella: I’m Bella Bells, and me love you long time.
Emmett: All my girls get down on the floor, (Oh, snap)
Bella: Back to back, drop it down real low. (Oh, snap)
Emmett: I’m such a lady, but I’m dancing like a ho, (Oh, snap)
Bella: and you know what?
Emmett: Here we go.

Bella: How come every time you come around my London, London Bridge
wanna go down like London, London, London
Like London, London, London.
[X2]

(How come?!)
(How come?!)
(How come?!)
Bella: I don't know.
(How come?!)
Bella: Emmett, I don't know. I'm sorry.
(How come?!)
Bella: I have no earthly idea!
(How come?!)
Bella: Emmett, I'm confused, seriously.
(How come?!)
Bella: Stop asking me that!
(How come?!)
Bella: I don't know!
(How come?!)
Bella: Seriously.
(How come?!)

*song ends*

“Yo peepz, like da song?” Bella and Emmett said.

“No, you mofo’s. “ Esme said.

“Yo, Jazz, make me a smoothie” Bella.

“Yes Ma’am” Jasper saluted, and scurried into the kitchen.

In the kitchen....

“Crap....Fruit, fruit, fruit...AHA...Blender, Blender, Blender....AHA” Jasper was talking to himself as he searched the kitchen for needed items.

He put the ‘fruit’ into the blender, put the lid on and pressed Blend.

Few minutes later, it was done.He poured it into a glass, and stirred...and put a straw in.

Then he took it out to Bella.

Back in the living room...

“Fuck me, yo, where’s Jazz with my smoothie?” Bella complained as Jasper hurried in with Bella’s smoothie.

“H-h-here you go Mistress Bella” Jasper stuttered as he handed Bella her smoothie.She started drinking it then spat it out in disgust.

“EWWW YO, JASPER, THIS STUFF TASTES LIKE CRAP, WHAT DID YOU PUT IN IT, YO?” Bella screamed at him.

“Well, I put a long orange thing in, lots of little yellow things, lots of little green things, mini green trees-“Jasper started.

“Jasper, yo, please don’t tell me you put veg instead of fruit in mah smoothie? Dudeeee, seriously...” Bella asked.

“I don’t know, I’m only vampire, I’M ONLY VAMPIRE, I DON’T KNOW THESE THINGS” Jasper replied/screamed.

“Yo, you did. You were human one time and dudeeee, that is just not right. Get your HEAD EXAMINED, yo”

“EVERYTHING I KNOW IS A LIE” Jasper screamed, running out of the room.

Moments later there was a crash, bang and a horrified scream.

Alice rolled her eyes and went up to comfort him.