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Differences

Summary:
“But I saw through everything and I saw you. You don‘t see me. You don‘t see me at all.” Jasper/Maria. It was never meant to be. But what did the two of them stand to lose when destiny took it’s course? And were they really as different as they thought? A close and (hopefully!) moving character study on each of them, set a few years after they parted. Canon-ish.


Notes:
Just as a heads-up, not sure whether this is actually prose or poetry… it’s kind of halfway between! Weird, I know, but I think it works. Tell me what you think. And to prevent mass confusion - italics is Mariaand straight text is Jasper. Maria is a little OOC, I know, but she wouldn't let me have it otherwise! If you want pure Maria, go read '1.78' by IrisMessenger, it's absolute genius. =D


1. One Shot: Differences

Rating 4.6/5   Word Count 1001   Review this Chapter

When someone is gone from your life for so long, you start to forget things like just how their smile was, how they looked you in the eye, how their voice sounded saying something other than ‘goodbye’. You forget that they once loved you, before it fell apart. You forget just how it feels to be, without an empty heart.

When someone is gone from your heart for so long, you start to forget things like just how their laugh was, how your loving made them cry, why you ever felt so guilty when you said your last ‘goodbye’. You don’t forget you loved them, but why you just don‘t know. You can’t recall those reasons, only why you had to go.

Difficult not to feel like I let something special go. Difficult not to feel as if my life has just stopped slow. As if now without your youthful shine I’m slowly growing old. It’s not a gaping wound you left, but just some kind of… hole.

Difficult not to feel as if I’m still tied to your hand. So hard to believe I’m finally free from your command. Your presence with me‘s fading with the passage of this time, but even after all these years my life is still not… mine.

I should have scars writ on my lips for every lie I let you think. I should have scars etched in my eyes for standing back to watch you sink. I should have scars on each my palms for turning round and letting go. I knocked out my own foundations, threw away my cornerstone. Tracing the arc of destiny’s hand, this clock is incredibly slow. Don’t ask me how long I’ve been searching for you, I think you already know.

I should have scars scraped hand and knee for crawling back each time you called. I should have scars carved strong and deep for thinking that you cared at all. I scorned the others, pawns to you - I never thought I was the same. But when I was hurting too, the help I longed for never came. Each time I returned to you, so grovelling and meek. But I tell you now - I told you then - I’m through with being weak.

I know to you I’ll always be the one who let you down. I know to you I’ll always be the one who didn’t care. I know through all of that you thought my heart wasn’t in it. I know through all of that you thought my heart wasn’t there. To you, I’m just the one who never gave you what you need, the one who never came, back when you reached out for me.

I know that you could never see beyond your stupid dreams. I know you couldn’t understand why they were killing me. I know it was too much to ask for you to let it go. I know it was too much to ask for you to only see. To you, I’m just the one who was too weak to give his all, the one who never quite lived up to your each beck and call.

It’s true I wasn’t always there, though I‘d set you apart. It’s true I threw away my chances right back at the start. Though I was a twisted soul, you hinted something more. When my dreams took one cruel step away, you took two steps closer.

It’s true I couldn‘t fake a smile for long enough to keep you by. It‘s true my usefulness wore out with each and every time cried - aloud from sorrow, screaming at the stars. I could never really see those plans of ours.

But I’m no longer blind, now that you aren’t here to see. The facts I wish were lies, now just seem so clear to me. You reminded me of all I was and all I had to give. You reminded me of why I tried not to ‘survive’, but ‘live’. You must think I’m a fool now, and, well, I guess you’re right. For I found in you a chink of sun, and doused it under night.

But I’m free to speak my mind, now that you can’t hear my words. I’m free to tell the empty air, and know you haven’t heard - That I thought you were an angel, back before I’d seen the world - That I worshipped every step you took, before the lie unfurled. It’s false to say I loved you when I knew not what it meant. For I took the darkest hell on Earth, and named it ‘Heaven’. You must think I’m a fool now, and, well, I guess you’re right. For I’d entered a world of black, and painted it all white.

Though now it all seems crystal clear, the world was different then. I missed the truth that stared me blind for time and time again. Though I threw down without a fight, I’m going under another way. I let you go to find the light, and cursed myself to darkened days.

Though now I’m standing out alone, it’s so long overdue. It took me far too long to think there might be more than you. Though we were different people in the day and in the night, an everyday-long servitude just isn’t worth the fight.

I expected too much from the one who I wounded, expected too much from the one I kept down. I expected too much from the boy I had broken, expected too much from the lost man you found. But I saw through everything and I saw you. You don’t see me. You don’t see me at all.

I expected too much from the mad and the faithless, expected too much from the lost and deranged. I expected too much from my power-crazed mistress, expected a miracle, not just a change. But I saw through everything and I saw you. You don’t see me. You don’t see me at all.