For True Edward Fans. A look at the first night on Isle Esme through Edward's eyes. RATED M FOR ELOQUENT, EDWARDIAN LEMONS. CANON. EPOV. Nominated for Best Novella at the Eddie's and Bellie's Twilight Fiction Awards. Featured as an example of excellence on The Movie Fanatic's guide to the Twilight Fiction Community.
There is a lot of pressure to do our poor, tortured Edward justice. We all love to believe he's a suave Casanova, but any fan knows that, while he is confident, he is also constantly over-reacting and doubting himself. Undoubtedly, the product of endless hours of brooding. Edward is full of reservations, particularly when it comes to Bella. Also, he is a vampire. :) Thank you to all of the reviewers that nominated Isle Esme for Best Novella: http://www.thecatt.net/tw/default.aspx
2. Chapter 2
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The urge to taste her began to culminate into absolute need. With caution, I began to desensitized myself as much as possible. I hovered over her just slightly so that I could trace her skin with my nose once more. Her colorful scent inundated me as I drew invisible lines from the top of her ribs, over her soft breast and down to her chest again. Her scent was more powerful, more delicate on the intoxicating skin that rarely saw exposure to the elements. The sound of her quick anxious breath heightened my own anxiety as I traced her again. It wasn’t her fault, though. We’d practiced with touching, but never with our mouths. She was surely anxious for me to proceed, but caution was essential. I was still dangerous.
So, I proceeded with great care to lower my lips to the soft bud of her breast. I brushed my lips once across her peak, testing my resistance. Immediately, the fabulous texture and finite complexity of that skin seized my attention. The complicated texture gathered so perfectly to form the brittle, beautiful apex of her breast. Bella gasped when she registered my movement. Our eyes met, but I closed them briefly, stunned by the lust in her eyes. She was waiting and watching my every move.
And I still felt in control. I’d made it so far with her already. The realization that we’d crossed so many boundaries and yet were still both exercising this caution empowered me. Bella was going to be patient so that I could work slowly to make myself safe for her. I steadied myself and lowered my waiting lips to her breast. I knew I would have to indulge quickly to avoid irrational urges. So, with careful diligence, I hovered over her chest and braced myself for the delightful torture. Every sense became trained on my mouth in caution and in anticipation. I slowly drew the inside of my lower lip along her warm skin carefully absorbing as much of her skin as possible. The tingle of her taste and the warmth generated by her skin began to permeate my mind, tickling my lips and face with her heat.
I tasted her then, groaning automatically with the flavor so intensified by this untainted skin. She was more sensational than I’d conceived. Quick breaths charged from me until I had myself firmly regulated. Immediately, I wanted to repeat my successful adventure. And as Bella had just begun to register the sensation my cool lips had given her; she let a soft moan escape and wrung her hands into my hair. I closed my eyes at the sound of her pleasure. Her unspoken request for more echoed in the quiet room and in my head, increasing my need with each repeating. I saw myself letting my tongue slip between my teeth to tease her skin. I could only imagine the pleasure the temperature difference would bring her. I wanted to draw her skin into my mouth. But, I refrained.
I kissed her skin once more with my lips slightly opened, allowing my mouth to fill with the taste of her. Softly she arched her back off of the bed with the leverage she gained from wrenching her hands into my hair. I withdrew. She could not pull me down, but she could pull herself up. It was not worth the risk of exposing her skin to my teeth. She met my eyes and I issued her a silent warning that she understood. She blushed a magnificent shade, but I could not look this time. I was not worried about my blood lust, but the delightful coloring of her face instigated more than my venom. She’d acted without thinking and was now bashful. That reminded me how simmeringly desperate she was becoming and that her fervor matched my own; that knowledge increased my desire for her. But, I held back.
Slowly, and with a deep breath, I continued to kiss her breast again, greedily repeating my same actions to absorb her taste and sounds of pleasure. The feeling of her was fantastic. I assessed my level of control and quickly decided it was safe to touch her and kiss her lower. I moved downward, littering her body with a trail of safe kisses. And then Bella whimpered and I stopped. That sound could be my undoing, but I focused quickly and banished it from my mind, desiring now to continue with touching and tasting her skin since I could.
I pulled away slightly, moving downward again, towards her soft, flat abdomen. She felt my shift in weight as I moved towards the creamy expanse of this new fragrantly pure skin. Her body was beautiful; a picture of perfect femininity. I marveled at the way her hips rose to meet the edges of her frame, while her tiny waist curved inwards. I ran my hand along her side and let it glide across to the small button of her waist. I’d seen it before in rare glimpses, but never touched it. I ran my fingertip along the edges, again completely in awe of this curious part of her. I marveled at the way the skin folded into itself repeatedly.
I was firmly in control. Resigned again to taking her in slowly, I kissed a line from one side of her abdomen to the other and then stopped as a new fascination commanded my attention. I watched in awe as I noticed that her abdomen pulsed with her heart too, even more so despite the distance. Her soft silky skin bounced with each movement. Was there anything her heart didn’t move? She was magnificent; radiating and thudding with life. How had I never noticed this before? Delighted, I let out a soft sigh, marveled and stunned by her subtle, automatic beauty.
My hands moved of their own volition to palm her flat belly as the soft pulsing shook my hand infinitesimally. The beat of her heart resonated more strongly through my hand. She did not understand my movements though and she was becoming impatient. She exhaled strongly and her breath sent her scent whirling around me, and yet I was so preoccupied by the beauty of her figure, which stirred in me that strong longing...
I struggled to focus on anything else. And then it emerged; the urge to take her by the waist and draw her to me, allowing myself to enter her slowly to hear her moan. I shut my eyes tightly, drawing my focus away from the sight of my fingers on her skin. I wanted to take her then, right then; I wanted inside of her. I wanted her to moan for me.
“Please…Edward, please…” she whispered from her place of confused torture.
It was a plea from her that broke me from my fascination. A plea I ashamedly enjoyed and simultaneously feared. That plea ignited my desire again, overwhelming me, sending a rush of sexual arousal through me. But, I was still in control and knew that I must maintain it. I’d traversed an impossible mountainside, but I would not jump head first off the peak. I resumed kissing and touching her slowly as I fought back vivid images of her writhing in ecstasy, which only served to heighten my pull to please her. I turned my face then and looked at her eyes. They were barely open, she was watching my hand and mouth. I could feel her heat and moisture. Her need for me. Oh, I wanted her. I wanted her so badly. And in that instant, I listened to her heart speed as I peered into her eyes and understood with absolute clarity what I’d never allowed myself to entertain before. She was not just merely infatuated with the idea of this…her body needed it in the same way mine needed blood. The way my body needed her now too. Denial of this lust only increased the want. And I couldn’t deny her anymore.
Resignation filled me as I moved carefully towards her, propping myself up with my elbow to protect her from my weight. Selfishly, I ran my palm just once more against the length of her body, feeling the skin pulsing and shaking so erratically from the top of her abdomen to the center of her breast, to her collarbone and back to her cheek. The warmth reverberated in waves through my arm. And I watched her intently, captivated by her heavy eyes. Shockingly, she was still patient.
And I wanted her to know that I wanted her too. That it took every ounce of my restraint to resist her, to keep her safe. I leaned down and kissed her once, more intently and with strength I’d barely allowed before. It was more intense than our first kissing of the night, but I was still in control. That spark of instinct that could force me to react and destroy everything felt steadily resigned for now in the face of my resolve. She kissed me back knowingly, threading her hands in my hair passionately. Without another word, I slowly positioned myself further, fully hovering over her, listening carefully as her heart as it hammered. Her breathing was labored and it consistently funneled itself out so that her scent was now filling my senses steadily. But, I was still in control. And she was still waiting…
And now I was empowered by that realization and did not want to linger too long in a place of indecision, just in case the impulses could return. As if it were possible for my control to wane. I needed to act. I took another deep breath and pulled from her lips.
“I love you…” I whispered against her mouth, hearing my own strained voice in my ears. She sighed in mutual acknowledgement.
I pulled my arm down from cradling her cheek, across our bodies and placed it carefully behind her knee. I lifted her leg aside effortlessly and she immediately adjusted to my hold, wrapping both of her arms tightly around my neck. The curve of her hip rested on my abdomen and my arousal brushed against her opening. I could feel the intense heat of her instantly, sending flitters of tingling pleasure through my legs and torso. I could only imagine how that would intensify…
She pulled me towards her, wrapping her arms around my neck harder and instinctively, the product of nervousness and years of self-restraint, I reached out to touch her face only. She kissed me with ferocity then, losing her patience with my arousal so close, ready, willing, and totally involved in the anticipation. Her new tension only heightened my need to push in and fill her completely, to claim her as mine, to feel the sinful pleasure. I took in a deep breath and held her gaze as I prepared to enter her for the first time and shook my head as if to simultaneously rid myself of my passion, which was still bubbling under the surface; undisciplined and unrestrained.
I refocused, taking a careful, split-second inventory of every aspect of my position, assessing, analyzing the pressure, the intensity I was placing on her body. And then, so slowly, I allowed myself to barely enter her slick heat, filling her just partially.
In no possible way was I prepared for the sensations generated by this sensational intimacy. I gently pushed the very tip of my arousal into her once more, opening her warm skin further and immediately felt the radiating warmth and wetness. Her heat flooded me, sending a sensation of tingling euphoria through my entire being, clouding my head with pleasure. I gasped as I felt every centimeter of her warmth around me. She whimpered in anticipation as her mind registered her own pleasure and I closed my eyes at the sound. Instantly, I searched her eyes for any sign of distress; she was fine, still waiting.
I watched her face, which held nothing but lust and need. She moved her hand and placed it on my chest as if to brace herself, opening her eyes as far as she could with her heavy lids, willing me to continue. I knew what was to come now and I was torn between so many calls for action. But, my desire to stop was overruled by the burning in her eyes and the now fierce impulse take her as mine immediately. And it was too late for such anything but forward movement.
I leaned in an agonized whisper against her ear, “I am so sorry, my love.”
I closed my eyes, willing my restraint to hold. I pushed into her again and then once more until I entered her just at the barrier, feeling a more intensified pleasure of her for the first time. I gasped again as the warmth invaded my cold body, emanating in waves of tortuously unfathomable pleasure. I could only think of the realization that the tune of her blood paled in comparison the beautiful song of her body, calling for me, begging and pleading for me to take her again.
The pleasure resounded in aftershocks of sensation. I forced my right hand into a fist, grabbing with it a handful of the sheets, steadying my resolve as I gently pulled my arousal out again, relinquishing every ground of territory that I had fought so hard to gain. I shuddered from pleasure as the warm tingling moved into another fiery trail from my arousal, down my legs and through my torso, forcing another shallow gasp from my chest.
I felt the uncontrollable urge to enter her again. My brain was throwing images, constant desires towards me, willing me to proceed further, with more haste than I would allow. And I desired her too much, I wanted her too much. Thoughts cascaded through my mind in less than a second to her, but she was still anxious. Time was doubling in perception and to her, I still appeared indecisive and delayed.
And yet, I reminded myself that I was still in control. No blood lust, no impulses. Partial success…
But, there was no time for revelry. I knew what had to be done still. I braced myself for the pleasure, after feeling its affects previously, I was slightly more prepared. I withdrew and completed the final step then, entering her wholly for the very first time. And Bella gasped as the tissue of her innocence gave way. Her face slipped into a slight grimace of pain and my mind reeled as I assessed her condition. The sensation of her body was breathtakingly pleasurable and I felt incredibly disgusted with myself for focusing on the enjoyment while she was clearly suffering. One tear fell from her clenched eyes and I did not move again, denying myself any further ecstasy both to maintain control and to wait for her to recover.
“I’m okay,” she whispered as she ran her fingers through my hair and finally opened her eyes, clearing both the moisture and the discomfort.
“Are you sure?” I asked her, wishing again that I could know the secrets of her mind, to assess if she was truthful.
“Yes, please don’t stop,” she said sincerely. That gave me permission. Permission I both wanted and feared.
I closed my eyes tightly, fighting back the urge to focus my mind on the intense throbbing her body was now pushing through the most sensitive places of me, the sound of her beating heart demanding again that I resign to its quick tempo and immediate call. I pulled out of her skin and entered her once more as instinct demanded, absorbing the waves of pleasure the reverberation of her pulse sent through me. Her subsequent low whimper boggled my mind and I heard the quiet breath escape my own lips as I entered her yet again. She felt too warm, too wet, too compact…
But, I developed a slow rhythm, several seconds off the mark of her demanding heart, which was only speeding up in its dedication to her life. I continued to feel and absorb and enjoy the warmth and pleasurable sensations of her, barely maintaining my own faculties. But still, I searched her face constantly, looking for signs of distress. I found nothing and as I continued, her once lidded eyes remained shut and her luscious lips parted, taunting me, begging to be kissed and sucked. But that would be too much. I focused instead on the pleasure and heat and trained my senses on her heady scent, which effectively rendered the call of her blood irrelevant.
The primal need to increase my pace began to dictate my tempo, but I still resisted moving with the speed of her heart. It consumed me and my resistance to its steady rhythm made me feel even more in control. I went at my own pace, our pace, for her. I continued with my eyes trained on her face still, watching for anything to indicate that she wasn’t enjoying herself and still found nothing.
But then, as if to undo all of what I’d managed to hold on to, Bella began to whimper consistently with my forward movements, but in small, almost kittenish sounds, pleading with me in her own way to give her more of what I was desperately refraining to give.
Suddenly, she whispered…“Edward, please…”
I tried to focus on anything other than the sound of my name on her lips, the pull of her legs as they lay against the side of mine. I could feel her then more. And my arousal was on fire with the heat and the tension of the confines of her body. The pressure on each and every tender nerve was both delightful and agonizing as I continued with our steady pace of entering and withdrawing, absorbing the pleasure and managing to refrain from feeling or experiencing any impulses for her.
And I could give her more. I was still firmly in control. So, I focused on pushing away the desire to enter into her relentlessly, to satiate her hunger, to force her through my actions to moan my name again. Instead, I simply focused on going slightly faster. With careful intention, I pushed into her repeatedly, absorbing the shock of pleasure that stunned me each time. She let out a gasp as I filled her and touched the end of her body, which sent a shiver through her, only increasing the feeling of her warmth.
I withdrew again and pushed slightly harder with my new speed. She gasped and whimpered again. I closed my eyes, focusing on anything but her sounds. It was painful to pull my eyes away from her face, but I felt stronger in doing so. I could deny myself the pleasure of seeing her parted lips and eyes clenched in pleasure, feeling her was already so intense.
And then so quickly for a human, she moved her legs from their position at my hip and wrapped them behind my knees, pushing her hips closer to mine. The sudden change was too much. The sensations were more absolute and more defined and I began to move without thinking. Her movement freed my hand from its position on her knee and I suddenly wanted my hands on her. I grasped her left hip with my hand and wrapped my fingers around her right arm, reveling in my control and the way her soft skin gave under my touch. She whimpered in approval as I felt her in longer strides. I wanted to hold her steady for me so that I could feel her even deeper...
And then my body whispered to give her more, reminding me that she was okay and I could move harder for her, a little deeper. It would be pleasurable for us both...
I just needed to manufacture and encourage a carefully restrained faster rhythm. So, I stopped denying it; after all, of the instincts that were each vying for control, this was the least harmful to her...
I caught my rhythm then and felt a mind-boggling wave of pleasure with each new movement. And, much to my satisfaction, Bella was transported by this ecstasy I gave her, sighing and whimpering each time I filled her completely. The delightful feel of her warm hands grasping my skin, pleading for more, only made the pleasure more complete.
And then my eyes were taking in every detail of her greedily as I moved with deeper thrusts, sending her whimpers into a higher chord. I was fascinated by the way her back arched slightly off the bed as I gained speed and depth, consistently pushing carefully harder. The view of her delicate body responding involuntarily to my movements, to my actions…was immensely satisfying. I was finally giving her what she’d wanted most. And yet, something was gnawing at my will, desperately begging for consideration. Something impulsive and strong. Something frightening...
I slowed immediately in caution at the faintest indication of the possible re-emergence of my impulses and she whimpered a little, feeling the simpler, less immediate rhythm. But, I shook my head slightly and slowed more as I struggled to push away the urges her sounds and her visual stimulation encouraged. She moaned again and then once more; only now it was a different sound. She wanted me to resume my previous pace and depth. Her eyes fluttered open for the first time, lidded and dark and her full lips met once before she whispered.
“Edward, please go faster,” she begged.
And I could not resist that. I could withhold from the demands of her heart, but not her words with my name tumbling from her lips with such pleasurable requests attached. I wanted what she was asking for, so I sped up just slightly again. Cautiously. And still I watched her. Her breasts began to move in their own way and her legs wrapped tighter around me, pulling my hips to hers, lengthening my penetration of her wet skin. Suddenly, I felt the simultaneous urge to both cup her breasts to feel her shaking skin with each movement and to clutch her hips, bringing that soft skin into my hands and under my control...I reached out…
I knew then that I could not look at her anymore. I pinpointed immediately that it was the visual stimulation that triggered my impulsive urges. My dangerous wants. The way her body responded to me was too wonderful and too tempting. I searched instantly for a focus point, anything but her feminine curve of her waist, the rise of her breasts and the flare of her hips as our bodies joined. I scanned the room, settling my eyes on the colorful flower petals carefully stitched on the pillowcase directly next to her head.
Salvation. I focused on that pillow and proceeded again, slightly faster. Feeling her tense again as whimpers continued to fall from her lips.
And now it was getting easier. As long as we stayed this way, I could maintain control and absorb each shock of her pleasure carefully. As long as I was not looking at her, watching her, I could do this. It was not total deprivation, after all. A minimal sacrifice. I could at least hear her breathing, her whimpers and her quick heartbeat as each erratically charged from her little body. That was better than nothing. So, I focused on the flower. And as I became slightly consumed by the sensations generated from her arousal and her warmth, I told myself that the flower was becoming more beautiful, more intricate, and more interesting. More worthy of my unrelenting focus.
This worked well until Bella’s whimpers began to transform into moans. Because our bodies were connected, I could feel the reverberations as they began to form in her chest only to escape milliseconds later, intensifying their affect. And they were quiet moans at first, but each sound closed my eyes and I began exercising as much discipline as possible to remove the echo of the sounds of her pleasure from my mind. I repeatedly forced my eyes open and away from her, tracing the lines of the green stitching again until it met the beautifully crafted blue petal of the flower, focusing only partially on the unfathomable pleasure of her.
And I concentrated with unrelenting focus, but the friction and the sounds of her began to chisel away at my careful dominance as they increased in sensation and sound. And she began to moan in fuller, louder sounds, sending flitters of satisfaction through me. Chipping away. And they were echoing. Repeatedly, overlapping one another. Soon, as her sounds increased to a relentless pitch, it became too much and the impulses swarmed. The pulsing beat of her abdomen, the slick wetness of her tight sex, the sounds falling from her lips, the heat of her body, the futile claws of her nails digging into my skin, expressing her pleasure, and the heady scent of her satisfaction were all too much. It was all too powerful and the impulses gained in intensity, generating images and visions of me, taking her with no restraint in various places and situations. Pinning her against the headboard, leaning her over the bed. I wanted to show her what I could do, what I wanted to do, what I needed to do to pleasure her…
It was becoming more difficult to maintain composure then as the images filled my mind, instigating sparks of need and desire. I shook my head, ridding the visions, desperate for continued control, anxious to feel the pleasure I could feel building within me, and disgustingly desirous to hear her continued cries for me. The cries of satisfaction and the need for release.
I still focused on the flower, but each time she moaned, gasped, or breathed her scent hit my face and a knot of desire placed itself firmly in my stomach, sending waves of elation through my body. I shuddered from the pleasure and drew in a shallow breath, bracing, and willing myself to control the sensations. With unflinchingly consistent movements, I continued to force myself into her, this time marveling at the pillow, which gave me my focused control. My need was strong, but I felt stronger. I can do this, I will do this, for her. I began to trace the stem of the flower.
“Oh my God, Edward……” she moaned. "I...oh..."
Her short, incomplete, intermittent gasps of pleasure sent turbulent emotions through me yet again. I wanted to show her that this was not all I was capable of, I wanted her to feel me solidifying our love, our complete unity. Her head was tossed back in absolute ecstasy and although my eyes never left the delicate flower, I could see her from the corner of my eyes. And I felt a rush of power. I made her feel this way. Mine.
And then, she arched her hips into mine, changing and increasing the pleasure for us both. And I pushed into her body again quickly with this new exquisite sensation she'd arranged. The feeling was so incredibly pleasurable and I wanted to concentrate on the feeling of her, but I was fearful of losing control. The urge to rock into her hips harder was instinctual. And I needed more, I wanted more. In a fit of impulse, I threw my head back automatically and wrapped my hands around her hips to secure them against me, harder, deeper. She loved it, I loved it, and I could not stop...
“Edward, yes…faster, please…” she cried.
With her words and the cry of my name brought chaos. Her heart, her blood, her body, my arousal, her moans, her legs wrapped around my hips, it was too fast, too strong, too much, too much. I almost lost control. I almost lost it all. My head and my resolve spun and my urges battled inside of me. In one instance, I wanted to grab her and firmly place her body on my hips even further to intensify my access into every part of her and in the next, I wanted to suck on her breasts and make her scream my name. But, I couldn't and that reminder infuriated my wants.
Ecstasy swirled in tight circles inside my mind, fear overruled it, and animalistic impulse surged. I felt paralyzed, mortified and I very nearly bent to my animalistic will like a slave to its master. But, in a flash of control, I fought against the impulses, knowing that she would be injured for my needs. But, I had to expel the impulses to take her more which I could feel building, demanding a release of some sort. I had no idea how to mitigate their strength, but in a flash of inspiration, as she cried out again and sent her sounds and scents swarming around me, instigating me further, I realized my will had nearly broken.
Feeling that intense disappointment woke me from my place of sickening pleasure. She was oblivious to my pain, completely absorbed with the feelings her feeble human body were enduring that she could not see any part of my agony. I felt isolated, tortured. I was terrified suddenly at how far I'd gone without realizing it. I knew then that my urges had to find solace somehow. My eyes opened and flashed to the pillow.
Instinctively, I expelled my impulsive needs into the colorful threads. I thrashed and bit and focused on the finite splits of material and feather as the contents and filling came down around us in a whirlwind of expulsion.
I continued to feel her, but I no longer focused on the warm sensations as a second round of impulses surged, assaulting my will and my mind with visions of her pinned beneath me, reaching her satisfaction in my arms as I ravaged her body with my desire. I shook my head and grasped the second pillow, feeling both elated for my discovering such a method and empowered by my ability to divert the urges. I grasped, thrashed and ripped as I continued my pace, sending plumes gliding into the air as I focused again on the look, feel and sound of the material separating. The impulses diminished immediately.
It was as if the urges, which had manifested themselves in energetic, violent spurts had just needed release.
And then it was over. The impulses seemed to hover in the background of my thoughts, but they did not push themselves forward again. Instantly, I could concentrate again, as if I’d rid my mind and body of the nuisance. I felt lighter all of the sudden, sharper, more able to focus.
I focused back on Bella, completely unobservant and writhing with pleasure. I heard her cries again and her heartbeat, but they did not trigger the same wild passions, only deep need to make her feel what she’d always wanted to feel with me. My love for her, my need, my desire became suddenly fuller with a depth I’d not felt yet. As if, once the erratic need had been funneled away, I could feel the real emotions I'd longed to experience, especially now as we joined our bodies and unified our love.
I whipped my head up, exulted. The urges were mitigated and Bella was unharmed. Unrestrained exhilaration ran through me and I reveled in it. I laughed wildly and Bella’s eyes fluttered open at the sound, only to close again as she arched her back away from the bed, bringing her body closer to mine. Her face, contorted in ecstasy, was tilted upward, her neck extended while her head pressed deeply into the pillow, her hand was knotted in her own hair, her breasts prominent, nearly inches from my chest. How long had I ignored her? I felt remorseful for missing these moments, absorbed in my own struggle. Again, I was then able to assess all of the careful details of her beautiful body; the glistening of her dewy skin, the thumping vibrations in her skin generated by her racing heart, her erotic moans and whimpers…
She was a picture of exquisite sensuality. Her hair was fanned out beneath her, contrasting so wonderfully against the white sheets. And she was covered in feathers, a testament to my ability to control myself for her, which only inspired me to feel her more and show her what I could do now. Now that I was safe. Safe…
The exhilaration of the knowledge that I could please her safely forced me to push deeper, willing her to reach satisfaction. My eyes were wild with want for her to find what she’d wanted all along. Should I tell her, coax her? I didn’t trust myself to speak. Entranced, I watched her closely as her gasps began to transform into beautiful cries each time I would thrust into her body. I saw her through clear eyes now and she mesmerized me again.
And then suddenly she was trembling at her core. I altered my thrusting to accommodate her need, pushing deeper and harder again. Safely. I watched her responses to my movements and the control was unbelievable. I would adjust, and in response, her mouth would open wide, her eyes shutting tighter at the feeling.
“…Ed-ward…I think…” She was incoherent, but I understood.
My head was stirring with reverberating sounds of her moaning…Ed-ward…
Suddenly, her little body began to shudder. I watched her eyelids flutter as her she reached her satisfaction. She was crying out, fisting her hands into her hair and digging her fingers into my stone skin and I focused only on her now with a clarity that allowed me to absorb every sound and sight. Her orgasm sent a flood of feeling into my body, my mind. She was releasing years of pent up frustration, letting go of her want. And I felt so many things at once: joy, relief, elation, satisfaction. She cried my name repeatedly and the affect of her words pushed me to the edge. I wanted to feel the release that was pining its way out of my body, a release only Bella could provide.
And then, it was with me in an instance and I could not fight it. This one urge, this one instinct, this one experience I felt to its fullest potential.
My satisfaction came in a rush of convoluted sensations, sending my body into a nearly incapacitated state. I grabbed her hips and her waist with each hand, grasping and pulling her towards me, deepening my penetration of her, desperately trying to satisfy the aching rush for release. She thrashed against me, pulling my hair and scraping her nails painlessly on my back, but her cries of pleasure reassured me that she was enjoying my controlled intensity. And then, one part of my mind prepared for release, while the other reassessed my hold on her and immediately readjusted. It was too tight, but she’d seemed not to notice…
I was unable to think of anything singular in the next moment as I shuddered in the wake of my own release. It was pleasurable beyond anything I’d ever experienced. Words, emotions, nothing could summarize the complex, combined sensations. And when it was over, I continued to move against her slightly as I struggled to maintain my control of my strength.
And then as she exhaled a final moan of satisfied need, I did not want to move as I lay slightly against her body. She wrapped her arms around my neck and tangled her hands into my hair, pressing my head against her chest tightly. Carefully, I lowered myself slightly onto her, feeling her heat radiate and envelope me completely. And feeling the satisfaction of both my own release and the knowledge that I could be with her as I'd always wanted. As husband and wife.
She sighed in a rough voice, moving her little warm hands to wrap them around my neck. I closed my eyes and relaxed a little against her, nestling my head into her hair, taking in her luxurious scent freely, resting my cheek against hers to absorb her warmth. I was taunting the monster within me, the demon of impulse, relishing in their mutual defeat. Her little hand touched the back of my head and I felt her take a long, deep breath, swirling her scent around me again. She was helping me gloat and I grinned. Her whisper was so very hoarse.
“I love you,” she whispered with her clear, dark eyes matching her words in an expression of satisfaction and affection. For me. I spoke against her lips, nudging her nose with mine.
“I love you too, Bella,” I whispered. “That’s why we’re here.”
She grinned at me lazily and I grinned back, kissing her once more, feeling the sense of accomplishment that could only come with succeeding in a task that had once seemed impossible. I shifted our weight so that I was on my back, pulling her close to me, but unconnected now. She snuggled against my chest, nudging her head in between the crevices of my neck and shoulder and fell asleep quickly.
From the moment she laid her head down, the severity of my feelings warred inside of me. I could not pinpoint them all, but combined, they created a full feeling of relieved satisfaction. I’d done it for her. I’d given her what she'd wanted, fulfilled my bargain, kept her safe and unharmed, and joined us together as one.
The pleasure, the joy, the satisfaction filled me with a sense of elation I’d yet to experience, perhaps save the emotion I’d felt as I saw her walking towards me down that aisle, so radiant and so beautiful. And yet, this was more complete because of the intensity of her attachment to this action. I looked down at her angelic face, her hair dotted with white plumes, a testament to my success. I cleared the strands of her long hair from her face and bent to kiss her soft lips once. She sighed in her sleep and I smiled as I held her closer, feeling grateful once again for the warmer climate.
Ah. And this elation, this joy, this peaceful satisfaction stayed with me while she slept so long and deep. So steady was her heart and her breathing that I’d smiled to myself the entire night, remembering my bartering with the Moon. How silly now. I was stronger than I’d thought, even though I had destroyed Esme’s pillows. I chuckled to myself, thinking of how I would explain that one to Esme. And then I frowned as I realized that I probably wouldn’t have to. Alice would surely tell everyone in a gleeful exclamation of the casualty of the unused pillows.
And this wonderful peace continued to last with me as I watched the magnificent orange sunrise from the window behind our bed. And then, in the early morning, I pulled Bella back to me, snuggling her into my side. Her arm was rested underneath the soft sheets but when I pulled it free, selfishly wrapping it around my chest to hold her closer, I noticed what I’d failed to see before.
All along Bella’s beautiful, soft arm were the marks of trauma. Bruises traced along her skin, purpling deeper with each passing moment. I startled and stared in instant mortification as I traced the swollen, purple indentations against the range of my fingertips. I shook my head in terror as I processed what I’d done. I searched my images, memories and recollections as they flooded back in a stir of remembrance. With exact concentration, I saw then. Twice, I’d handled her too roughly with careless maneuvering. And more times than that, I’d held on to her with disgusting enthusiasm. But, it was the image of my hands and my fingertips, grasping her wildly while I found my selfish release that left me despondent with guilt.
While I had struggled to feel ecstasy, Bella had been hurt by me. And she’d been too good to say a word. Although she’d writhed against me in what had seemed like pleasure, the realization that I'd been so lost and consumed in my own world of unrestrained desire that I'd probably been unable to know the difference at the time, ate through any peace I'd felt earlier. Would I have been able to identify the difference? I reviewed the image once more with genuine disgust. Clearly, I had been wild with lust and wouldn't have discerned pleasure from pain.
I shuddered in horror again. What would Bella expect from me now? What would she think of me? Had she been so transported by pleasure that she'd not felt the pain? What about tomorrow? I reviewed the images of her again, but stopped. Focusing on her was only encouraging a disgusting, newly resurrected desire for her. As if I'd not satisfied myself with her enough. Abusively. I had clearly just hurt her. There was no end to my selfishness. I pushed away my vile need as the realizations continued to flood.
Bella was damaged and Bella had been hurt. Bella had been injured. By me.