Bella's life takes on a new path when she realizes Edward is not coming back. Falling in love with Jacob Black will be the easy part. The hard part - surviving the consequences of her love for a vampire and overcoming the obstacles that come with loving a werewolf. Set in New Moon. This story is so sweet it makes carebears cry rainbows!
So this is my first run at fanfiction. It has been an incredible ride and I'm very pleased with this story. I hope that you can see my progression through each chapter.
(Updated with each new chapter)
Chap 1Hiding My Heart - Brandi Carlile
Breath - Breaking Benjamin Alone in this Bed - Framing Hanley
Inside of Love- Nada Surf Matter of Time - Rescues
Chap 1Hiding My Heart - Brandi Carlile
2. Chapter 2: Inhibitions
Rating 0/5 Word Count 4323 Review this Chapter
I was running, and then running faster. Where am I? Where am I going? I felt lost, but I instantly recognized my surroundings. I was on the beach in La Push. In my peripheral vision, I could see her. She was the newest figure to chase me, to haunt me. Her red hair tossed violently in the wind, mocking the flames of the fire in my throat. Faster...faster...I needed my legs to move faster. I was running and going nowhere. Then in a flash, she was gone.
But my fear didn't subside, it only intensified once I looked up and she had been replaced by Edward. His eyes were glowing red, anger and fury showing in his brow. His features were all still perfect but something was different. Terror swept through my body and I turned to run in the other direction. I realized I was no longer on the beach, but back in the woods-the last place that I saw him. I began to run; I was always running. Why was I always running? The light was slowly fading and my eyes were fighting to adjust. My chest felt like it was on fire. My lungs were just mere seconds from exploding. The eyes appeared before me once again, and then in a blink they were gone. Everything seemed to appear out of nowhere and fade just as quickly as it came. Darkness, utter darkness surrounded me, engulfed me as the fire in my chest intensified. I blinked rapidly trying to see something, anything.
I suddenly felt warm, and comfort blanketed me. When I looked up, I saw big brown eyes and a bright warm smile, a familiar smile.
It felt like an eternity had passed; my body was dead weight unwilling to move. I rubbed my eyes trying to remove some of the weight on my lids.
"Bella, are you alright?" Jacob asked. I looked at his face and he seemed panic-stricken.
"Yeah, I guess I dozed off," I said realizing I was dreaming.
"Bella, you've been asleep for two hours, you started screaming."
I sat up and realized that Jake was holding me. Immediately I moved from his lap feeling embarrassed.
"I'm okay. Sorry about that." What about me did Jake find so appealing? I was a constant mess.
"I'm real sorry if I'm ruining your day," I said. I was certain Jake had better things to do than sit around with me while I fell apart.
"Bells, you're always apologizing. If I didn't want to be here, then I wouldn't be, okay?"
Jacob stood up and I couldn't help but sneak a glance. He was tall, massive. Every muscle in his body was sculpted to perfection. He had flawless features, gorgeous skin. Again, I found myself questioning why. Why would he want me? He could have his choice of any of the girls on the reservation, or any girl in Forks for that matter. I was thankful for whatever held him here with me. I needed him. Although I couldn't love Jacob the way he wanted me too, the way he needed me too, the way he deserved, I did love him. I loved him with every single broken piece of my heart. I suppose since Jacob had picked up the remains and put them back together in some small way, he owned my heart. But my heart kept going back to...him...to Edward. I feared that if we moved forward, I might forget...him...Edward.
"Jake, whaddaya say we go to the grocery store? Charlie isn't much of a shopper, and I really do not want to eat pizza again."
"Where food is involved, count me in." Jake was already holding the front door open.
"Let me leave Charlie a note just in case he comes home early."
I grabbed my keys and rain jacket, because like almost every other day in forks, it was raining.
We made the trip to the grocery store in record time and without incident. Well unless you count seeing Jessica Stanley and Mike Newton at the traffic light in town. I waved mechanically, trying not to laugh at Jacob's impression of Mike Newton's puking face. I could feel the heat of their stares and knew that I'd hear all about it on Monday.
"I think that Mike almost broke his neck," Jacob said, a smile forming at the corner of his lips. "It will take a long time for his ego to recover from seeing us together."
I couldn't help but laugh, Jacob was always so funny.
"You know Bells, I think he may be hung up on you almost as much as I am."
Ouch! That was below the belt. "Shut up, Jake," I snipped.
"Oh come on Bells, the best part of internal misery, is being able to find the irony of it."
"So, I make you miserable," I replied sharply.
"Bella, that's not what I meant. Just never mind, you wouldn't understand."
"Try me. Maybe I'll surprise you."
"Bella, let's talk about this later."
"Maybe we should get it over with, clear the air. I don't want to make you miserable." I was fighting the tears back. I was mad at myself for being upset about something I had known was true all along. I was constantly using Jacob. He had healed me, held me together. He rarely got anything other than my admiration in return.
"Bella, I see you every day, you're face is the last thing I see before I go to sleep and you're the first thought on my mind when I wake up. I want nothing more than to be with you, every minute of the day. I'd do anything to protect you, to keep you safe, to love you. Bella, I can love you the way you deserve to be loved. I want to hold your hand; I want to be the one that holds your heart."
"Jake...I'm...I...don't," I interrupted his emotional spill, not wanting to hear any more of it.
"Bella, it's OK, really. You asked remember?"
We were stopped in the driveway and the rain was really pouring down. Jacobs's words were tearing me apart. I knew them to be true and I really felt the same way about him. I did love him and I hated that I was bringing him pain.
"Please don't cry Bella. We're cool, you and me."
Jacob leaned over and squeezed my hand, smiled my favorite smile. I didn't deserve his friendship, but I didn't know where I would be without him.
The rain had slacked and we carried in the few bags of groceries. I put them away and began making dinner. Jake had wanted tacos so I laid out the ingredients and got to work.
Charlie had called to say he would be later than expected and Jacob had insisted on staying for the evening. I didn't object. One of the benefits of having Victoria out of the picture, well other than the obvious, was that Jake was free of constant wolf patrol.
After the taco dinner, we went to the living room to watch a movie. Jake had picked it out and we settled on the couch.
Before the movie ended, Charlie came home.
"Hungry, Dad?" I asked. "I made tacos for me and Jake. You're lucky he saved you some."
Jake was too involved in the movie to catch my insult, so Charlie and I went into the kitchen. I heated up his food and sat down with him for a bit. Neither one of us was good at conversation, so, my sitting with Charlie while he ate was the best he would get.
"Bella, I guess I'm going to go it's getting late and I need my beauty rest. It's hard work to be this fab-u-lous," Jake said, adding a little melody to the last part.
Charlie and I both laughed and I got up to walk Jake out.
"Thank you for staying today. Thank you for, well, being you."
Jake didn't hesitate to give me a hug and a kiss on the forehead.
"Night, Bells. I will call you tomorrow."
Ugh. Tomorrow, I wouldn't have Jake around. He was on patrol, and then other ‘wolf business’, as he called it. I could feel a frown forming at the thoughts of being without him tomorrow.
"Don't look so down, I've got something planned for us tomorrow night."
"I hate surprises," I said with a little more force than I intended.
"Humor me, Bella, you won't be disappointed."
Sunday brought about a new day and the rain had slowed to a drizzle by the time I had fully awoken. I had a very restful night with no nightmares for the first time since the cliff diving event. Perhaps I had finally accepted that Victoria could no longer harm me. Charlie hesitantly went on a last minute fishing trip. I had assured him that I'd be okay and would probably end up in La Push later.
"As long as you stay off the cliffs," he yelled back to me as he made his way out the door.
No worry there, Charlie. The driving force behind all of my neurotic behavior was hearing his...Edward's voice. But now that I had survived that, and survived Victoria, I wasn't so sure I wanted to hear his voice. I really wasn't so sure I wanted any part of him.
Wait. Did I just...did I actually think I was finally moving past it?
Originally, I think my reckless behavior was an attempt to inflict pain on him, that by some long shot my stupidity would indirectly hurt him. I thought he might one day pick up a newspaper and see the headline: “Unidentified Forks teen has amnesia after a near fatal motorcycle accident.”
By seeing that, I had hoped to hurt him in the way he hurt me, to make him feel guilty for bringing me to such erratic behavior. I realized how ridiculous I had been acting. Nothing I did mattered, he was gone forever.
He told me it would be as if he never existed. So logically if he never existed to me, then I never existed to him. I had no idea what I had been trying to accomplish, other than nearly killing myself.
The ache in my chest was starting to grow and I had to change the direction of my thoughts. Since spending time with Jacob was out for the day, I decided to make use of my time by cleaning out the upstairs hall closet.
Charlie's clutter had plagued my existence here since my arrival last year. Charlie was very unorganized and never threw out anything. Charlie was definitely not a housekeeper.
I turned the radio on and decided to make the best of it. It was just recently that I started to enjoy music again. Thanks again, Jacob Black. The only station that I could tune in was a 80s/90s slow rock station. I hated the music but at least it would help pass the time.
I made great progress, throwing out two full garbage bags of useless stuff. I had a large box of things for Charlie to sort through. I decided to break for lunch and continue my project later. I only had the top shelf left, but I was famished.
After a quick sandwich and chips, I made my way back to the hall closet. I steadied myself on the stepladder and reached up to grab some of the things on the top shelf. That's when it came crashing quickly onto my head, knocking my feet out from under me and off of the step ladder. I ended up at the top of the staircase and the step ladder ended up at the bottom. Better you than me, I thought, looking at the step ladder. Just another victim of Bella Swan's lack of coordination.
Beside me lay the object of my latest head injury: a dusty black photo album. Charlie was a man of few words and a man of fewer sentiments. I was shocked to see that he even had a photo album, let alone one that contained actual photographs.
I propped myself up against the wall and picked it up. It was hardly worn and I could tell that most of the pages were empty. Curiosity got the best of me, and I opened the cover.
The first page had a picture of Charlie and Renee before they were married. They both looked so young and happy. Charlie's smile was so bright and cheerful. He looked so happy and full of life. It reminded me of Jacob's smile, bright sunshine even on the darkest of days. I couldn't remember seeing a smile from Charlie like that in my entire life. The next page was a picture of me with Charlie and Renee. I must have been just a few weeks old. Charlie's smile was still beaming. I couldn't help but smile back, just looking at the picture.
The next few pages were mostly pictures of Charlie and Renee and me when I was a baby. There were a few people I didn't recognize, and I assumed they were friends of Charlie and Renee.
When I turned the page again there was a picture of me and Charlie fishing when I was about seven years old. I grinned at the memory of my fishing trips with Charlie. Fish hooks, worms, rocky river banks and a few trips to the emergency room. Next to the picture of us was a picture of me and Jacob from the same fishing trip. Jacob was grinning sheepishly and I was forcing a smile, while trying not to fall off of the rock I was sitting on. If my memory served me correctly, I did end up falling off the rock, dragging him with me into the river.
Those were simple days. Days before vampires, werewolves and broken hearts. I removed the picture from the album to show Jacob later. I knew he would derive much enjoyment from the photo.
I continued my trip down memory lane. The next few pages were blank, and then my school pictures filled the pages. Renee must have sent them to Charlie throughout the years and they were all displayed and labeled according to year. It seemed endless, the amount of awkward photographs I had been forced to take as a child. The camera hated me, just like fate. I turned the page again, and after just a quick glance at the picture before me I felt a jab in my heart so strong, I lost my breath. Tears began to flow like Springs river. There I was, wearing a pink tutu, ballet slippers, and lipstick. I was in the ballet studio were James nearly killed me almost a year ago.
It was getting harder to breathe. I swatted the tears from my eyes and dug my fists in to the carpet beneath me. The enormity of the last year hit me like a ton of bricks.
Flashes of Forks, of Edward, of the Cullen family, of the van, of James, of the dreadful birthday party, of the woods, of the cliffs, of Victoria--all of it flooded me. I lay down and grabbed my knees to my chest. My sobs were being painfully torn from me. My throat was tight, and burned, and ached at the memories. I was forcing myself to stay together, as the hole in my heart was trying to rip me apart.
I thought of all the broken promises, all of the pain inflicted on my friends and family. The selfish way I had been treating everyone. I was sinking into the memories like lead, allowing them to tear me into pieces. I was breaking, but I was breaking in a good way. Not like when Edward left; this felt more liberating. The walls were coming down, and the was leaving.
I realized I had something in my hand. When I looked down, I saw that I was still clutching the photograph of me and Jacob from the fishing trip. Looking at it again brought a smile to my lips and my tears ceased.
It was then that realization flooded me. Jacob was my balance. Jacob was my stabilizer. He loved me without condition, without reserve, and without hesitation. He held me together when no one else could. He held me together when the one person that I had loved more than anything else broke me. With Edward, love had been complicated, but with Jacob, it could just be love. Love without interference, without reserve. Love without mortal consequences.
I couldn't keep Edward without becoming like him, it was inevitable. Alice saw it. But it wasn't my destiny to be a vampire-it wasn't anyone's destiny to be a vampire. It was a sick and malicious trick of fate for anyone to lose their life that way.
For months I had been angry with Edward for leaving. But now, I realized that Edward left for me, not because of me.
Tears began to flow again, and the hurt in my chest went with them. The pain fled from my body and mind, and I could feel healing all around me. The hold that Edward's departure had on me was ceasing.
After about twenty minutes of collecting myself and drying tears, I finished the closet. I took the photo album to my room and slid it under my bed.
It was about 4:30 and I really needed a shower. I wasn't for sure when Jake would call so I decided to get the shower over with.
My head was still throbbing from the minor closet accident. After my shower, I popped two Tylenol capsules, and made my way back to my room to get dressed. I had no idea what to wear. I settled on jeans and a long sleeve t shirt. I grabbed a hoodie, just in case it would be chilly. I went downstairs just in time to catch the phone ringing.
"Hi, Bells. What do you think about coming on over to La Push after I finish up here?"
"Sure, I can leave now. What are you..."
"Just get your butt up here, OK?" he interrupted.
"OK, bye Jake."
I ran back upstairs to put on my sneakers and I grabbed the picture of me and Jake on my way out. I couldn’t wait to see the look on his face when he saw this. I wondered if he would remember.
I drove my old truck as fast as it would go all the way to La Push. For a change it wasn't raining today. I was so excited to see Jacob. I couldn't decide on telling him about my revelation today. I still didn't know if I could be involved with him romantically. I had no idea what was to come of our relationship. I was now capable of moving forward but I wasn't sure that going to the next level so soon was a good idea. It wasn't as if I could just follow my heart. I had made great progress today in healing, but traces of Edward lingered in every broken piece of my heart and I knew that following my heart would be trouble.
If I couldn't follow my heart, then what could I follow? My mind. No, my mind was always blurred in confusion, in doubt. My judgment clouded by every past mistake. I was beginning to think that my mind must be working in reverse. Everything I did seemed backwards, so maybe I should go about this another way. I was reminded of a poster in the school's guidance office: "The key to self preservation is self-awareness."
My fears, my reserve. I had never been afraid of loving Edward, but I should have been. For what he was and for what he’d done to me, I should have been afraid. I was horrified to let my relationship with Jacob proceed becuase I feared losing a friendship. I feared forgetting Edward. I couldn’t help but to think that my restraint with Jacob, was because deep down, I knew that it was right.
My mind really did work in reverse. I decided that for the rest of the evening I would listen to the insecurities inside me. I decided to just follow my inhibitions. I needed to rewire my brainwaves, this seemed like a logical way to do so.
I pulled into Jake's house, but he didn't come out to greet me. Normally he would've already been by the side of my truck, with all of his werewolf speed. I knocked on the door, and in a few minutes Billy answered.
"Hi Billy. Is Jake here, I'm supposed to meet him."
"Hello Bella. Jake said for you to meet him at the beach, you know the spot."
"Thanks, Billy. See you later."
I knew exactly where Billy meant and I hurriedly made my way there.
In just a few minutes I spotted Jake. Even from far off he was gorgeous. I made my way closer when I realized that I was extremely under dressed. Jacob was wearing khaki pants, and a white button up shirt, un-tucked. It was a definite change from the normal attire. He looked amazing.
"Hi Bella," he said with an impish grin. He reminded me of the boy in the picture.
"Jake, what is this?"
"Well I figured since you’re always cooking for me, I thought I’d return the favor. I can't take all the credit, Emily helped me."
I peaked around Jacob to see a blanket spread out on the ground and a basket filled with food.
"Oh. Jake, how sweet. But it wasn't necessary, I enjoy doing things for you. It's the least I can do for you constantly saving my life."
"Here sit down." he grabbed my hand and helped me over the rocks, inadvertently helping me to avoid any collisions with the ground.
Jake brought out two plates of food already prepared-grilled chicken and pasta.
"This looks really edible. I'm glad Emily helped you."
We both began to eat, and the evening air felt nice against my face. Neither one of us really spoke much. And when we had finished Jake cleared the mess and packed the basket up.
"You're not lifting a finger." He had said when I offered to help. So I sat back down on the blanket watching the waves crash into the rocks.
Jacob came back to my side and grabbed my hand. He began tracing the invisible lines on my hand again. I realized how nice his touch felt, now that the invisible lines around my heart were gone.
Follow your inhibitions, I reminded myself. I closed my eyes and just took in his touch. The softness of his fingers was calming and warm. Butterflies began to form in my stomach and I inched myself closer to his body.
After a moment Jacob laid down, pulling me with him. I propped my head up on his massive shoulder.
Follow your inhibitions.
Jacob began rubbing my hair and a calm washed over me. It felt nice. Of course Jacob was always patting, or rubbing, or petting me. He felt compelled to comfort me, and I didn't object. But this, tonight, felt so much better. His touch had always affected me, but I would never allow myself to respond. I had to stop the feelings short to prevent hurting Jacob. But that was no longer a worry. I was on a new path.
Follow your inhibitions.
I placed my finger on Jacob's arm and began to move up and down his forearm. Are forearms supposed be this big? Jacob leaned into me, and kissed me on the forehead.
I sat up abruptly remembering the photograph in my pocket. I pulled it out and reached it to Jake.
"Look what I found today."
"This is priceless." he said, smiling from ear to ear.
At the same time we said "we ended up in the river". And then we both burst into laughter.
I rolled over on my side, to face him. He was lying down again with his arm around me. I wanted to speak, but I didn't know what to say. His eyes met mine and locked. For a moment I could see into his soul, and I wondered if he could do the same. If he could glimpse into my soul he would know what happened today, he would understand that I was better.
I leaned into him without thought, his face just barely a breath away from mine. Our lips met soft at first, reserved, then with more force and passion. The taste of him was incredible. His lips were sweet yet paralyzing. He pulled me closer and every curve of my body was crashing into his. Slowly he moved his tongue between my lips and explored my mouth delicately, gliding along my teeth, and then with more passion. I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe. This kiss was incredible; mind altering. My fingers were entwined with Jacob's hair, and my body was forcing itself onto his. I returned the favor, allowing my tongue into his mouth, tasting his beauty.
Follow your inhibitions.