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Agent training for dummies

Summary:

Bella is left alone with Emmett and Jasper when Edward is hunting for the day. She discovers an 'Agent training for dummies' book and Emmett and Jasper suddenly decide to have an actual agent day. Some crazy missions, crazy names and some evil cartoon characters are sure to cheer Bella up and enjoy her day. Just how much trouble can they cause in one day?
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Thanks to cocoa-lovah for the banner!


Notes:
This is my first ever fan fic. In fact, this is my first story I've ever let people read. So please review and lemme know what you think! Btw, I made Jasper more controlled around Bella so he could have more fun. :D Bella, Emmett and Jasper have an 'agent' day with some weird missions, mysterious people and kidnapping some poor person. Will Bella get through the day in one piece? I own nothing, the queen of twilight, Stephenie Meyer owns all this, I'm just having some fun playing with the characters.


3. Charlie's angels/vampires part 1

Rating 5/5   Word Count 4409   Review this Chapter

Charlie’s angels/vampires.

“Right then Bella. You need to ring Charlie and ask him if he wants to come home for lunch…not that he has much choice in the matter. We could actually kidnap him if necessary.” Jasper said, holding out a phone for me. I looked at it as if it were about to self destruct as well. Could I really do this? Could I really trick my dad? Would he go along with it? Jasper sighed and waved the phone in front of me.

“Bella, you don’t have to feel nervous or worried. Emmett and I will do most of the talking if necessary and he will forgive you. We’re not actually going to do anything to him. We are just going to convince him that there are evil Disney characters and food advertisers running around going berserk.” He smirked and Emmett frowned.

“Food advertisers? Since when were they included in the plan? I thought we were just saying there were Disney characters and people dressed as food that were evil.” Me and Jasper simply stared at him. He looked at us both and looked confused.

“What?” He said with a hint of frustration. Jasper closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“Emmett…YOU’RE AN IDIOT. What on earth do you think food advertisers are?”

“Erm…People who work behind the tills at fast food restaurants and cafe’s.” I stared at him again and chuckled. He stared at me and scowled.

“What?” Jasper suddenly burst out laughing at the same time as me. Emmett suddenly got worked up and glared at us both.

“WHAT? WHAT IS SO FUNNY ABOUT WHAT I’M SAYING?” I winced as my ears were ringing again. Jasper stopped laughing and looked at me. He glowered at Emmett and a small growl formed in his chest.

“I am going to say this ONCE more. Edward WILL kill us both if he finds out YOU hurt Bella’s ears. If he DOES find out, I will have no trouble in helping him with you. And also, food advertisers ARE the ‘people who are dressed as food’.” Jasper practically snarled the words at him.

I was very glad Jasper was with me today. Ever since the…accident on my birthday, he has protected me as if I was his real little sister. He says he feels what Edward and I feel, and he would do anything to keep that love continuing in the world. When you get past Jasper’s hard, ex-army man exterior, he’s just a hopeless romantic.

And obviously, I’m the weaker link in my new family (Yes, my new family. I still love it.) So I need more ‘protecting’. Emmett on the other hand has nearly always got his mind in the gutter and rarely remembers I’m a human. He will probably be a lot more fun and annoying when I am a vampire. He refuses to believe that I will be able to beat him in a fight, even with my newborn skills. But Edward believes-no, he declared, that I would be able to beat him. I wouldn’t be surprised if they have already bet on it. With the mention on betting, I was brought back to the present, with the two general suspects for any type of bet. I missed a lot of the argument when I was thinking, but I just caught the end of it.

“So now do you understand what food advertisers are and are not going to shout anymore?”

“Duh. I already knew what they were really, I was just testing you guys.” Jasper scoffed and rolled his eyes. He turned back to me.

“Are you ok now? Edward can’t murder us yet can he?” I grinned and shook my head. But then I stopped and scowled at Emmett. He smiled weakly and shrugged.

“Yep, Jasper is definitely my favourite right now. He is actually keeping me safe from being deaf.” Jasper grinned widely and Emmett simply narrowed his eyes at Jasper and turned back around, to face the steering wheel. Jasper winked at me before handing me the phone I had forgotten about. With all the squabbling and being nearly deafened, I completely forgot my nervousness about what I had to do to Charlie. I swallowed my worries and dialled Charlie’s work number. I held it to my ear and waited for someone to pick up. I prayed that he would answer and no-one else, otherwise I would be harassed with more wedding congratulations and questions. After the Fourth ring, someone picked it up.

“Chief Swan.” I breathed a sigh of relief.

“Hey dad.”

“Bells? Why are you ringing? Is something wrong? What happened? Where are-“

“DAD. Chill. Nothings wrong. I just wanted to see if you were coming home for Lunch. I’m bored at the Cullen’s house so Emmett and Jasper are going to take me home to get some books and stuff and I was planning on making lunch while I was there.” I smiled proudly at myself. It sounded like the truth for once. Wow, Emmett must be rubbing off on me. Next thing you know I’ll be destroying and furniture and making fun of everyone.

“Oh. Good. Yes Ok. I didn’t bring any food today and nothing is happening right now so I can take a break for a while. Emmett and Jasper are bringing you? No-one else?” I narrowed my eyes and squashed the want to rant on at him about how Edward is going to be my husband and how it is perfectly acceptable for him to take me places. He really doesn’t get it. But if I was going to do this properly, then an argument probably wouldn’t be the best thing right now.

“Yes, it’s just Emmett and Jasper. Everyone else is camping remember?” I stressed camping and grinned at Emmett and Jasper who snickered in return. They always found it amusing when people thought they were camping. No clue why, but they did.

“Ok then Bells. I’ll just tell the guys and I’ll be there in half an hour.” I smiled. This might actually work.

“Ok Ch-Dad. See you soon.” I hung up and passed it back to Jasper. He took it back and I just stared at him, waiting for him to say something.

“So…what now? If we are actually planning on getting to my house, we might need to actually start the car.” Emmett didn’t say anything, he just started the engine. I raised my eyebrows but just fastened my seatbelt and waited for us to start driving.

“Well when we get there, we need to clear out most of the food.” Jasper said while looking forward through the windshield. I looked at him confusedly. He still hadn’t turned to look at me so I’m guessing he felt my confusion rather then saw it.

“You say there is no food and don’t want to go buy more again for a while. So we could offer to take you to our house and say Esme is there so he can talk to her. We will subtly drop hints about the ‘evil Disney characters and food advertisers’ and our ‘mission’. He will probably ask what we are talking about, so we pretend to be reluctant and then tell him that we are ‘agents’. I’ll calm him down to make sure he doesn’t faint or anything and you can reassure him that it’s true. And you can make him something to eat as well while we tell him this so he is more…agreeable.” Instead of asking lots of endless questions, I just thought about it. They had obviously thought this through and have thought of how to make this easier and less suspicious. I wonder how he’ll react when we tell him that we are agents protecting him from things that I loved in my childhood and people that he knows. It’s probably good that Jasper is going to be here. I really think that Charlie might pass out or at least turn a few different colours. Also, his favourite food might help us persuade him to believe our lie.

With all of my thinking, I hadn’t noticed that we were turning up onto the street which led to my house. Or my old house. Technically, I don’t even own any hou-

“Izzy? Helloooooo? Earth to Izzy.” I blinked and looked around to see Emmett and Jasper stood outside the car, with rather amused faces. With my rather pointless thoughts, I had again forgotten where we were. I rushed to get my seatbelt unfastened and basically fell out of the car. I stopped myself from falling completely, but to Jasper and Emmett it was still funny. They were trying their very best to keep from laughing, but I decided that it wouldn’t matter anyway. I sighed and closed my eyes.

“Go ahead.” I said nothing else and there was silence for a split second until they both burst out laughing. I sighed again and waited for them to shut up. I opened my eyes once they had quietened and rolled my eyes. I could simply blink at the wrong time and Emmett would find it funny. And then Jasper feels Emmett’s amusement so thinks its funny as well and then projects the amusement back out and so on. It’s an annoying cycle.

Once they had stopped laughing at my expense, I gestured towards the house door. They nodded and followed me inside. As soon as I walked inside, Emmett and Jasper were already pulling all the food out of the cupboards, the fridge and the freezer. There was a growing pile of tins of the counter, along with all the frozen food and the food from the fridge. I sighed at the food I made for Charlie to eat when he was on his own. It was all going to waste.

“You know, you’re kind of going a bit over the top seeing as this is only a pretend mission. Funny, but over the top.” I said while walking to the living room. I sat down and suddenly there were five black bags full with all the food, and Emmett and Jasper were stood behind them. I looked through them briefly and frowned at them both.

“Why is all of the food in here? You only needed to get rid of the stuff that I could use for lunch. He’ll get suspicious if all of a sudden every single piece of food we own disappears.” I smirked as they looked stumped. But my smugness was cut short when Jasper suddenly came up with an idea.

“If he asks, and he will, where it all has gone, just say that Alice cleared everything out and wanted to go shopping for you. Some rubbish about healthy food for the wedding or something. It’s entirely plausible as she has wanted to do that for a while anyway.” I thought it through and agreed that it would be probably work. Alice never lets me eat any high calorie food or snacks anymore, which is pretty much my favourite food. And she only lets me drink water or maybe sometimes milk. Apparently, it’s so I still fit my wedding dress on the day and my teeth aren’t yellow, but I think she just doesn’t like the look of my food. She only buys food that is pretty in her house. Or at least food that’s been shipped overseas. Charlie already knows about this so it would be easy to convince him. I smiled as I realised how easy this would be to make Charlie believe us. I looked up and saw Jasper and Emmett snickering.

“What’s so funny?”

“You! You space out for like five minutes and then either come back to earth with either a frown or a smile. Honestly, your human brains take so much longer to think while we’ve already thought of it and are thinking of a few other things at the same time.” Emmett said. I scowled at him and crossed my arms.

“You know if it was up to me, my brain would already be like yours and I’d be making fun of ‘pathetic human brains’ as well.”

“Hah! Again! You admit that you have a pathetic human brain! You’re too easy to make fun of Izzy!” I scoffed and narrowed my eyes at him.

“You know, you’re seriously not tipping the ‘favourite big brother scale’ in your favour.” Emmett stopped laughing and looked at Jasper angrily.

“Jazzy! Come on! Let me win a little! My favourite sister is starting to dislike me!” Jasper was still grinning at the fact that he was my ‘favourite’. Honestly, I still loved them equally, but Emmett was really annoying so I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine.

“Anyway, you need to get rid of the food. Charlie will be here soon.” Emmett looked thoughtful for a minute, and then he smiled mischievously. I cocked my head to the side, confused. What is he going to do with the food?

“Emmett…what is going through your massive head right now?” Jasper said. I grinned and Emmett scowled at him, but then went back to mischievousness.

“Could we squish it? Could we just grab them all and squeeze until they are nothing but dust? I never ever get to do that anymore!” I scoffed and raised my eyebrows. That is such a lie. He has broken well over a hundred phones and well over two hundred game controllers recently. He sometimes doesn’t mean to, but other times he’s either showing off or trying to scare me.

“Ok fine, maybe I do it a little bit. Sometimes. I never get to do it to food though! It must be fun!” I sighed in despair. Honestly, Emmett’s worse then a little child sometimes. I looked at Jasper and he shrugged. I sighed again and looked at Emmett warily. He was practically bouncing in place. Wow. Alice must be rubbing off on him. Ha-ha. Pixie Emmett. I chuckled and they both looked at me.

“Wow Emmett, you look just like Alice doing that. Maybe we should call you pixie Emmett instead.” I smiled sweetly. Emmett stopped still and glared at me. Jasper was holding back laughs and shaking his head in amusement.

“Ugh fine Emmett. But don’t do it here. And make sure you clean it up wherever you do it.” Emmett rolled his eyes.

“Fine MUM.” I narrowed my eyes and waved bye to him. He took the hint and, excitedly and angrily, took the food outside, with Jasper following. I took the time alone to go upstairs and get my books. I walked into my room and looked around for them. I picked up Wuthering heights and my CD player. I picked a few other random books and CD’s and put them on my desk. I looked for a bag and found one under my bed.

I put my books and CD’s in the bag and turned around to go back downstairs when I heard a muttering in my ear. I stayed still and listened.

“Emmett-you-idiot-hear-stop-Izzy-aah-.” I frowned and pulled out the ear piece from my ear. I looked at it to see if it was broken and didn’t notice anything different, so I put it back in. I listened to see if I could hear anymore noises.

“Jazzy-suck-I-fight-loser-hah.” I frowned again and wondered what they were doing. I remembered about the microphone on my jacket so pulled my collar up to my face slowly.

“Err…guys? M&M? Jazzy? What’s going on?” I listened for anymore noises and heard none so asked again.

“Hello? What are you doing? Are you ok?” I waited again for an answer but didn’t hear any.

I was just about to walk out of my room to go find them, when someone tapped on my shoulder. I shrieked in shock and turned to see who it was. Emmett and Jasper were rolling around on the floor, laughing. I growled slightly at them which made them laugh even harder. I glared at them both before turning and walking quickly downstairs. I walked into the living room and sat down on the sofa and scowled at nothing in general.

They are the most annoying people ever! Hmm actually Mike, Jessica, Lauren, Alice…ok so they are two of the most annoying people ever!

My annoying scale was interrupted when I heard Charlie’s cruiser pull up. I stood up quickly and looked up at the ceiling.

“M&M and Jazzy, I know you can hear me so get down here NOW.” Suddenly they were stood next to me grinning. I gestured towards the door and they nodded seriously, all amusement from their face gone. I fully looked at them now. Before they left, they were dressed in spotless suits and shoes. Now they had food stains all over themselves. Red, brown, green and yellow were spotted along their shoes and clothes. Alice would not be pleased.

“Guys! What on earth did you do? Alice is gonna kill you!” They looked at each other sheepishly and shrugged at me. I rolled my eyes and went to stand in the kitchen. I waited for Charlie to come in. And waited. And waited. Eventually I got tired of waiting and went to see what he was doing.

He was stood in front of his car, staring at the brand new ‘agent’ car, jaw open and eyes wide. I looked over at two of the most annoying people I know and grinned. Well done Alice, Charlie will be so overcome with his love for the car, he’ll barely notice what we are even saying.

“Ch-Dad? Sorry, I forgot to tell you. Alice cleared out all of our food because it’s not ‘suitable for the bride to be’.” I muttered quickly. May as well get it out of the way quickly, I thought. My lying was very bad, but he didn’t even notice. Like I predicted, he hadn’t even realised I was speaking. He probably forgot I even existed. I sighed and walked over to stand in front of him, effectively blocking his view of the car. He blinked and looked at me. I smiled weakly and waved.

“Hello dad. Welcome back to planet earth. Did you catch anything I said?” He looked at the car sheepishly and back at me while shaking his head. I sighed again and looked at Emmett and Jasper for help. They rolled their eyes and walked over to us. I realised that they were still covered in food. I raised my eyebrow at their clothes and they simply shrugged again. Emmett looked at Charlie and grinned. Jasper was obviously holding his breath while plastering a smile on his face. He had good control around me recently, but with any other humans, he had to work a lot harder.

“Do you like my car sir? Its-“Jasper elbowed him and glared. Emmett sighed and nodded weakly.

“I mean, do you like my family’s car? It was a gift.”Charlie openly gawked at him and Jasper smirked at him. He was probably radiating jealousy and surprise. I cleared my throat and everyone looked at me. I shifted my weight uncomfortably and looked at the ground. I only intended to get Emmett’s attention.

“Yeah…erm. Yeah, so we have to go to Edwards’s house to get some food ok?” Charlie looked confusedly at me and I sighed in despair.

“This is the part where you completely ignored me. Alice has cleared all our food out because it’s not suitable for the bride-to-be and she is going to buy some new food later. So we have to go to Edward’s house to eat because their is Alice-approved food there.” Charlie still looked confused and hesitant so I thought I should mention that Esme is there.

“Esme is there dad. You know, all the planning and stuff still goes on when Alice isn’t here. She probably needs to talk to you about a few things.” As soon as the word Esme left my mouth, he perked up considerably. He has a soft spot for Esme and Alice. Even though recently, with all the wedding planning, he has become more annoyed at Alice and more reluctant to see her. I can’t blame him. If I had a choice in the matter, I would be leaving her to do everything on her own. She knows what everyone likes and if she doesn’t know anything, she will get a vision. But obviously, everyone thinks that you actually need to be involved with your own wedding. But then again, everyone doesn’t have a psychic best friend.

“Izzzzzy? Hello??? Earth to Izzyr52;” I blinked and saw Emmett waving a hand in front my face and grinning in amusement. Jasper and Charlie were stood talking about cars, while Jasper kept glancing at me and chuckling quietly. I must’ve stopped listening again. I looked back at Emmett who was tapping a pretend watch on his wrist and tsking.

“Wow Bella, you were gone for about Five minutes. We need to go now. And operation convince-charlie-that-we-are-agents-and-evil-disney-characters-are-going-mental starts now.” I rolled my eyes and walked towards Charlie and Jasper.

“So dad, ready to go?” He stopped talking to Jasper, looked at me and nodded.

“Sir, we have to go in my family’s car, is that ok? Esme wouldn’t let me bring my Jeep.” Charlie nodded enthusiastically and walked towards the car. He looked at me and waited for me to get in.

“Go ahead dad, I just need to get my stuff.” I walked inside the house and grabbed my bag.

“Jazzy and M&M can you come here for a moment? I need some…agent advice?” I said, feeling silly talking to no-one in an empty room. I waited for a few seconds and they appeared in front of me.

“Right, how are we going to convince him again? Because I can’t exactly lie terribly well, as you know.”

“Simple. We leave some plans of capturing the ‘criminals’ around the kitchen ‘accidentally’ and I will make him feel suspicious and curious, he’ll ask and we’ll be ‘forced’ to explain. I will make sure he feels believing and slightly scared.”

“Yes that’s all good and everything, but you forget, he’s an officer of the law. He’ll be able to check if we are lying and even if he can’t prove that, he’ll want to help look for them.” Jasper looked stumped for a moment but then smiled.

“We are agents. We simply say that we will protect him at all costs and he shouldn’t even know so he can’t do anything about it.” I looked back at Charlie unsurely and nodded weakly at Jasper. Emmett was suddenly at Charlie’s side, getting in the car. Jasper walked to the car as well and I followed. I got in the back seat next to Charlie and suddenly thought of something. I leaned forward and whispered quietly as not to let Charlie hear.

“Remember, Charlie hates speeding, so you have to go at the speed limit. If he wouldn’t hesitate to arrest Edward, he definitely wouldn’t hesitate with you two.” I smirked at their miserable faces and held back a laugh. The worst possible crime for the Cullen’s. Going at the speed limit.

They grumbled a ‘yes’ and started the car. I leaned back and glanced at Charlie. He looked on edge and nervous. I looked at Jasper and cleared my throat silently. Jasper turned to me quickly and I looked pointedly at Charlie. He nodded and I felt a relaxing calm flow through the car. I breathed out a sigh of relief and sunk further into the seat. I looked at Charlie who seemed to be doing the same, and looking out of the window.

“Izzzzzzy. Hello. I’m bored. Can we go a teeny tiny bit faster?” I heard a very, very quiet Emmett speak quickly in my ear piece. Charlie seemed to be unobservant on his surroundings. I was quite surprised on how quiet he was being and how…not awkward it was with the silence. Well done Jasper.

“No Emmett. You can’t. I really need to be convincing Charlie that you are all very good and well behaved and not at all like the things he seems to think Edward is. So no, you definitely can’t.” I whispered while turning away from Charlie. Emmett sighed loudly and Jasper looked thoughtfully at Charlie. Jasper turned to look at me and grinned.

“Well Bella, remember that we are meant to be agents after all. We can go a little bit faster and if he asks, we’ll just act all mysterious and then hopefully he’ll connect the dots when we tell him what we ‘are’.”

“Ha-ha so we are planning to tell him we are vampires after all?” Emmett laughed loudly and raised his voice above his previous whispering. Jasper punched him hard on his arm and glared at him with a look that could melt metal. Emmett grinned and shrugged. I glared at him as well and felt annoyance bubbling up inside of me. I suddenly remembered Charlie and looked at him briefly. He seemed to have completely missed Emmett’s little outburst and I sighed in relief. He looked at me confusedly and I was suddenly nervous again.

“Erm...Just…happy to see you again. I haven’t seen you much since Alice took over the world.” Everyone grinned at my description of Alice and I probably would hear about it from her soon. Oh well, there’s not much else she can do to me that she hasn’t already. But then again...

I was so caught up in wondering what else Alice could possibly do, I didn't realise we had arrived at the Cullens house. Everyone else was already outside, waiting for me, so I unbuckled my seatbelt and climbed out. I stood and looked at Jasper and Emmett who nodded and gestured towards the house.

I looked at the house and exhaled loudly.

Here we go..