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Carpe Noctem

Summary:
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There is nothing worse than the pain of heart break.
When Edward leaves Bella, he takes her happiness with him.
She finds warmth and comfort in the arms of Jacob Black.
This is my New Moon, with a rather complicated ending.

BANNER MADE BY ME. WANT ONE? SIMPLY REVIEW MY STORY.


Notes:
Takes place after Edwards sudden absence in New Moon. This is the way things should have gone. DISCLAIMER! I in no way claim ownership or association with the characters or the world of Twilight. All credit goes to the creation of Stephanie Meyer for whose imagination I admire.


1. Chapter 1 "Catatonic"

Rating 5/5   Word Count 1995   Review this Chapter

I wanted it to stop, but I had lost all control of my subconscious. He lied once again; I can’t believe I had been such a fool. “What a stupid lamb”. Despite all my efforts to avoid anything that reminded me of him and despite all his efforts to erase all marks of his existence in my life, his existence was all too plainly obvious in my subconsciousness, I guess he didn’t think about that. I awoke to find myself screaming, something which had actually become a normal routine for me. My nightmares were vivid and always the same. I thought by now the impact they had would begin to lessen, that slowly they would just start to fade, but they were just as crystal clear as that first night. I knew by now my heart was just a tattered curtain covering the dark abyss that now lingers in its place. I was starting to accept that I would never be the same again, I even started to accept the fact that he was never coming back. Even if the air would blow out of me whenever he would enter my thoughts, even though I was prepared for the fact that I would never love anyone the way that I love him. I didn’t want him to come back; I didn’t want him to live a lie just for the sake of my happiness. How selfish could one human being be? It took me a few minutes of controlled steady breathing before I was able to force myself to get out of bed. I chose what I was going to wear to school that day, down to choosing a set of Victoria’s Secret lingerie – Renee had insisted on sending me ‘pleasure packages’ on occasion. Including chocolate, a new Jane Austen novel since my own collection had been falling apart at an accelerated rate, a diary – which I am assuming she expects me to actually write my feelings in, and the lingerie. She insisted that to recover a breakup you need to dress your best to feel your best. I knew my Renee had always been slightly eccentric but this was really loony bin material. I took a second glance at the lingerie lying on my bed and quickly changed my mind. I took out a pair of grey cotton underwear and a light blue bra, nothing fancy – not even lace. When finally somewhat pleased with the ensemble I grabbed my toiletry bag and headed for the bathroom. There was always a plus to waking up before Charlie. I didn’t have to hurry. I stood underneath the steaming stream and let it flow over my body. The warmth was so nice, it was almost overwhelming as the water flowed over my skin. It was nice feeling the warmth, everything was always so cold here. I didn’t get out of the shower until I heard Charlie stir. He would be needing the bathroom soon after he pressed the snooze button two more times. I dressed and stood in front of the mirror, no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t look human. I invested in some makeup, even though I had no idea how to use it properly. But I thought if I at least looked like I was trying to look human then maybe Charlie would stop looking at me like I was going to walk in front of highway traffic. I sighed as I got to work. I plucked at my eyebrows used some blush and mascara. There was nothing I could do with my hair though. I brushed it thoroughly and tied it back into a ponytail. I sighed, even with a mask on I couldn’t see a human being, I just hoped Charlie might. I made my way downstairs and started making breakfast. It wasn’t long till I had cooked up a batch of pancakes and had them waiting on the table. Charlie came down the stairs just as I began washing up. “Mmm, smells good Bell!” Charlie shone at me as he sat at the small kitchen table. He dished himself up a handful and began glazing them in maple syrup. I continued washing up while he ate. If I sat face to face with Charlie he tended to ask questions, I wasn’t much of a conversationalist these days. I finished washing up, so instead of leaving the mixing bowls and the frypan in the dish drainer to dry I grabbed a kitchen towel and began to dry them. Once dried I put them all away. It took less time than I had anticipated. I took a kitchen sponge and began wiping down the benchtop and stove again...maybe I had missed something the first time. I think Charlie must have noticed my persistence as I heard his fork clutter to the table top. “Do you want to tell me what you are doing Bella?” Charlie asked, I stared at him in a look that I thought was innocent shock, but I don’t think I could remember what emotions were actually supposed to look like. Because Charlie responded with a look full of pity and heartache. I responded with a simple “Huh?” “Bella, I know I didn’t go to an Ivy League College, I know that I’m not Smarter than a Fifth Grader – but I’m not a fool. “ Charlie began. I was still confused as to where he was going with this. “I know the past few months have been hard for you, but I thought by now things would have changed. That maybe you would start getting your life back together – you know to what it was like before it revolved around him.” Charlie looked down at his plate and I was almost certain that he wanted to take the words back. I swallowed as best as I could manage. “I’m doing my best Dad.” I started, there was no way to explain to him that I was lost forever. That I was an moon who had lost its planet and was now orbiting a black hole. How could I tell him that the Bella he knew didn’t exist anymore. Simple – I couldn’t. My breathing staggered. Surely he knew this topic was out of bounds. “I know Bella, I know you are trying. I just hate seeing you..this...this....unhappy. It’s hard for me seeing you so miserable.” Charlie faltered, this was taking a bigger toll on him than I had realised. “I talked to Renee last night and we both decided that it would be better for you if you moved to Jacksonville.” Charlie was ashamed. How could I say no? Being here was hurting him. Charlie had been the one person I tried and got up for everyday. The one person I tried not to hurt. It wasn’t working. I bit my lip and breathed in one long staggered breath. “There is only one semester left of school, I don’t want to mess with my grades. Can I go after the school year?” I knew Charlie wouldn’t deal well if I started screaming over this, but I felt hysteria sweep over me. Leave Forks? I couldn’t..I...I...would be giving up the last bit of me I knew. The only rational thought that went through me was time. I needed to buy some time. I was good with deadlines, I would find a way out of it. Charlie sighed heavily and I knew he was considering my offer. “Please Dad?” I asked the same just as I would have with..I stopped myself. “Okay, but if there isn’t any improvement I’m going to arrange for you to talk to a professional about this. Maybe they could help you.” I snuffed at his comment and he knew the discussion was over. So the deal was that I had to be happy? I bit down on my bottom lip I knew that there was only one thing in this world that was going to make me truly happy and the odds of me getting that in Jacksonville was exactly the same and me getting it here in Forks. Impossible. I waited till I saw Charlie’s Cruiser pull out of the driveway before I let hysteria take over me. When would this stop? I felt the absence of everything that should be inside me. I was an empty shell, or at least a human body filled with charcoal, black and damaged. Sitting still thinking wasn’t doing me any good. So I grabbed my bag and headed out to school. I knew I would be early, I knew that being in that place would bring back painful memories. But being miserable sounded better than feeling like this. I sat down at the nearest table, avoiding glancing over to his parking space. I drowned my thoughts out with Calculus. I used to hate Calculus but over the past few months I had grown rather fond of its intricacy of the way it immersed your thoughts completely in sums and formulas. Calculus was my own ‘pleasure package’ the thought almost made me laugh in despair. What had my life become? I know exactly what my life had become. It had become routine. I was the person in the background of a hilarious sitcom, the one who looked as if they didn’t belong there – yeah that was me. The school bell rang just as I was about to walk to lunch I looked at up the time. It was home time already? I sighed. Days usually seemed longer to me. I walked back to my truck and forced myself into the driver’s seat. It was an unusually cold day in Forks so I turned the heat all the way up and began the short drive back home. I knew something was off when I pulled into our street. Charlie’s Cruiser was already in the driveway. He never leaves the station this early. I slowly parked the truck in its usual spot and made my way into the house. “Charlie?” I called out as soon as I opened the door. “Over here Bells!” I heard Charlie respond from the kitchen. That wasn’t a good sign. “Uh Dad, what’s up?” I asked as I walked into the kitchen to see Charlie wearing an apron. “Oh you have got to be kidding...” I looked my father up and down. Pink really wasn’t his color. “Um what’s all this about?” “Well it’s Billy’s birthday and Sue Clearwater wanted to do something special and since most of their homes can only fit a handful of people I said we would have the party here.” Charlie looked at me full of hope. Or hopelessness I couldn’t quite tell the difference. I raised my eyebrows at him, had he gone insane? “Well I hope you don’t expect fish to be the main course...do you?” I asked walking to the fridge to inspect the remnants of last week’s grocery haul. “Why not? I caught it myself...” I could hear the disappointment drowning Charlie’s voice. “You don’t make a very good host Dad. Why don’t you leave the food to me? You could run down the store to buy some paper cups and plates? I’m sure we need some drinks as well. Tap water doesn’t impress no body.” I looked at Charlie inquisitively. “Did you need me to write a list?” I asked. Well we know who the parent in this relationship was. He nodded impishly while I took a pen and the notepad we wrote our phone messages on and began scribbling. Truth be told, I was planning to cook the food and take a plate up to my room to avoid the festivities. A party didn’t sound like a fun idea at all.