Oppressed by Love
Leah and Jacob have survived as a pack for six painful years. As the vampire spawn discovers boys, Sam and Emily expect their first little monster progeny, and Leah's sarcasm reaches new levels of acidity, they must overcome that much more simply to retain their combined sanity. Told through Leah's swearing, violent, and somewhat depraved mind, a tale of two werewolves being opressed by love. This beautiful, spontaneous banner was made by the UTTERLY AWESOME JokesOnJane, who made me the happiest person alive by, without warning, creating and giving it to me. :)
So this is a story I came up with after reading about Leah in Breaking Dawn. Although I hated the book, I did enjoy the Jacob and Leah parts. If you are thoroughly attached to Bella, Edward, and their bouncing baby spawn, you will probably flame me for this. However, I'd like to think that underneath all the darkness and sarcasm, there are some genuinely funny parts in this. So give it a chance - and please review if you love OR hate it! Banner made by JokesOnJane, who is simply a wonderful human being and did it without even being asked.
3. Blemish on the Butt of Humanity
Rating 5/5 Word Count 2184 Review this Chapter
Blemish on the Butt of Humanity
How the hell did she end up here?
Out of all the places where Leah could have been guilted into going, the Cullen crypt was quite possibly the one least appealing. But somehow, she found herself climbing off Jake’s motorcycle in front of the big, reeking white mansion, wearing actual clothes and a hellish expression.
Fuck Jacob Black, and his ability to make her feel like she was skinning a defenseless, feeble kitten.
She could hear them. The whole crowd of vamps was laughing about something in the living room. Maybe baby leech had learned how to tie her shoes, or something equally exciting.
She jingled her keys and stomped up the front steps, making as much noise as physically possible. Of course they’d probably heard her miles ago, but she felt the need to announce her presence.
Leah knocked. Everyone continued their happy conversation, but the Doc was kind enough to open the door.
“Leah,” he greeted her warmly, not the least bit surprised, “what can I do for you today?”
She raised an eyebrow, “Can the spa – can the kid hear us from here?”
He shook his head no.
“Okay, so, um, Jacob sent me here for an update of sorts. He’s going crazy, and he knows he can’t call or see her, so he sent me to see how things are going,” she rocked awkwardly on her heels, “she’s alive, right?”
Carlisle nodded, “Renesmee is fine. She’s just inside, would you like to see her?”
“Sure,” Leah plastered a smile on her features. She found it difficult to be a bitch
towards the Doc.
He opened the door wider, and she slipped inside. The vampire stench made her want to run screaming for fresh air, but she controlled herself and stepped purposefully into the living room. Seven vampires and a mutant freak looked up at her.
“Uh,” she stalled.
“Leah!” Whiny leech exclaimed, “oh, I’m so glad you stopped by to talk to me! Jacob told you, right?”
Leah vaguely remembered Jacob asking her to go speak to an upset Bella Cullen. She also remembered snorting at the vampire’s utter absurdity.
“Um, yeah he did, but that’s not why I’m here.”
Her face fell. Her lips puckered. Her eyes grew big. Was she seriously going to cry because Leah simply despised her? Or whatever the fuck vampires did – they couldn’t shed actual tears.
Prepubescent leech quickly pulled her into his arms, whispering into her ear. Whiny leech kept her eyes on Leah, bit her lip, and then nodded jerkily. He kissed her, and then moved to continue sitting next to his teenage daughter.
The spawn. In the flesh.
Lochness had grown a lot since Leah had last seen her. She looked like a haughty, irritated teenager now. Her wild curls were braided back, she was wearing designer label clothes, and she wasn’t completely flat anymore. Her eyes were suspicious, her manner self-aggrandizing, and her stature small. Her parents were both short – it appeared as if she would be blessed with vertical deficiencies as well.
She stared at Leah, as she always did, with a mixture of curiosity and resentment. On one hand, the spawn thought Leah was incredibly cool because she was the only female werewolf in existence. On the other hand, the spawn hated that the only female in existence was also the only other member of Jacob’s pack.
“Hello Leah,” the spawn trilled, her head titled slightly to the side, “it is nice to see you.”
“Same,” Leah lied, “er – can I sit down?”
“Did Jacob send you?” the spawn’s eyes narrowed.
“No,” Leah looked genuinely offended, “Jake’s banned, remember? I just need to talk to your Dad about something.”
It was weird to refer to prepubescent leech as a dad. He looked like an elementary student he was so young. She was taller than him, and she was a girl.
The spawn pointed at an empty armchair, “Please, sit.”
Leah sat. The other leeches stared at her. The blonde supermodel one – Rosalie, or whatever – seemed to be the nicest. Somehow she had found out about Leah’s menopause, and had been disturbingly nice to her ever since. Leah appreciated it, but was also utterly weirded out by it.
“Will you be having a mental conversation, or a verbal one?” the spawn asked, as conventionally as if she had asked Leah if she preferred chocolate over vanilla.
“Mental,” Leah answered firmly.
Prepubescent leech stared at her expectantly. The rest of the leeches continued their previous conversation – something about South America.
Leah felt strange. Her thoughts were tentative, So, uh, you know why I’m here.
He nodded. She continued, And?
Edward looked pointedly at the spawn, then glowered when she thought the word
‘spawn’. She grinned, I hate your family. I hate you. I am only here because Jacob is a little bitch sometimes.
He nodded in agreement. She stifled a laugh.
Is she seeing other boys?
Prepubescent leech looked pained. He shrugged, in a way that said he either didn’t know or the situation was too murky to tell.
Helpful, leech. Really useful. Does she miss Jacob?
This time he looked smug, and shook his head no. Ouch.
Does she expect him to be a big brother to her for the rest of her life?
Are boys after her at school? Jake’s worried she might be in danger at some point, or put in a bad situation. Of course she’s an abnormal mutant, so it wouldn’t be too big a deal, but . . .
He nodded, but scoffed at the idea of danger. He was utterly confident in the spawn’s abilities to protect herself and make good choices. It was disgusting. Leah almost hoped the spawn would have a rebellious phase, just to piss off her parents.
How old is she – emotionally, mentally, or whatever? Like, right now?
“Sixteen,” he answered out loud. The spawn glanced at him, but then continued talking to her crypt.
Has she shown any interest in a specific boy?
Leech nodded dejectedly.
And you don’t approve?
He raised a sarcastic eyebrow.
You know – you’re a bit possessive and creepy, Leah commented casually in her head, you’ll be the kind of dad that bans her from PG-13 movies and doesn’t let her eat candy on Halloween.
Prepubescent leech looked irritated. He shook his head no.
Jacob would be a better Dad than you.
Now he looked angry. Leah grinned. Antagonizing the stupid leech was almost as fun as pissing off Jacob.
I like your shirt.
Smug superiority returned.
I wasn’t talking to you, asshat. I was mentally communicating to the Doc, who can’t actually hear me.
Now he looked pissed. Damn was he moody. Maybe he was PMSing.
Oops – he looked even more pissed. Leah bit her lip to keep from laughing, and turned to the vampire conversation, simply to distract herself.
The mom leech was talking, “Would it be safe to bring the whole family? I think a few of us should remain, simply for appearance’s sake.”
“I am going,” the spawn announced, “this is my trip.”
“If Renesmee’s going, I am too!” Whiny leech looked close to tears, “I couldn’t bear to be separated from my daughter! South America is simply too far away!”
The spawn looked flat out annoyed. Leah laughed quietly to herself.
“Me and Jazz can stay back,” the little fortuneteller volunteered, “besides, Charlotte and Peter are visiting soon. We’ll need to be here.”
“But Alice,” Bella whined, “you’re my best friend! You have to come!”
Fortuneteller leech smiled, “Its okay Bella, you’ll only be gone a week. I can reorganize your closet!”
Bella looked nauseated. The huge WWE wrestler leech laughed, “Aw, c’mon Bella! It’ll be fine without Alice! You and I can wrestle jaguars.”
Leah could not even pretend to understand that leech’s mind. He was huge, brawny, and apparently liked wrestling with fucking jaguars. It wasn’t fun to wrestle things with claws. But again, he was a vampire. If it led to blood, it was probably super fun.
“If Alice and Jasper are willing to stay back, then the rest of us are free to go,” the Doc put in, “I’ll take a vacation from the hospital. We’ll tell the school we’re visiting family somewhere less shocking, like Houston, and everything will be fine.”
“Will we be able to catch Charlotte and Peter?” Mom leech asked, “I do like Charlotte. She is such a dear.”
“Probably not,” fortuneteller leech said, “they’re due to show up this weekend, and as you’re flying out on Friday . . .”
Leah felt her stomach drop.
“Wait – you’re leaving for South America this week?” she demanded.
All the vampires glanced at her. The spawn stuck up her nose, “Yes. Why? Is that a problem for someone?”
Leah had to cover up quickly. Obviously the spawn wanted to hear that it would make Jacob sad, just so she could bust Leah for being a spy. “Uh – well, its just, don’t people usually plan these sorts of trips years in advance?”
Whiny leech giggled, “The Cullens don’t have to worry about money like ordinary people.”
Wow. A really awe-inspiring show of tact.
Prepubescent leech was quick to speak, “My darling, our money is yours. You are a Cullen. You’re a part of this family, now.”
Again, Whiny leech looked as if she was about to burst into tears, “Oh – its still so difficult to get used to! I’m not good enough for this family! I don’t deserve any of this!”
No, Leah disagreed, you deserve all of this. Your freakish daughter, you’re utterly annoying prude of a husband, the stench, the inability to die. You’re a bloodsucking leech. You deserve all the perks that go along with it.
At the ‘prude’ thought, Edward turned to glare at her. She smiled puckishly.
“Oh, darling,” Prepubescent leech turned back to his ridiculous wife, “look at you! You’re a beautiful, talented, amazing vampire. You belong as well as any of us!”
She sniffed tearfully, though there were no tears. Leah caught two of the parasites – the twins, blonde leech and soldier leech – both rolling their eyes. She smirked. Even the bloodsucking parasites thought Bella Cullen was a blemish on the ass of humanity.
“Could you please be a bit politer to my wife?” Prebuscent leech snarled out of the side of his mouth.
Whiny leech looked at Leah, her eyes wide. Leah didn’t even bother looking apologetic, or ashamed. Bella Cullen was absolutely pathetic, and it was time everybody else admitted it.
The spawn raised herself even higher, “Leah Clearwater, you are not kind to my mother!”
“No,” Leah agreed, “I’m not.”
Whiny leech gaped. “What did I ever to do you?”
“Its not what you did to me,” Leah stood up, “its just who you are. You can’t help it – you’re naturally pathetic.”
Bella had probably never been spoken to that way before in her entire life. Leah saw fighter leech and blonde leech hide smiles. The other leeches simply looked weary.
“I . . . I,” she drew herself up, “I want you to leave this house!”
“Fine by me,” she turned to leave, “Edward, you know what the situation is. Figure it out or I will rip you to small pieces.”
“Don’t threaten my husband!” Bella shrieked.
“Its okay Bella, I can protect myself,” he sneered, “she wouldn’t touch me.”
“It’s a figure of speech!” the blonde supermodel leech snapped at the pair of them, “quit being so dramatic you two.”
Leah nodded at the blonde in thanks, scoffed one last time at the repulsive, ridiculous little family of three, and then whirled and stomped through the door.
The house was silent as she kicked the motorcycle to life, and then sped away.
Jacob Black, prepare to die.
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