Oppressed by Love
Leah and Jacob have survived as a pack for six painful years. As the vampire spawn discovers boys, Sam and Emily expect their first little monster progeny, and Leah's sarcasm reaches new levels of acidity, they must overcome that much more simply to retain their combined sanity. Told through Leah's swearing, violent, and somewhat depraved mind, a tale of two werewolves being opressed by love. This beautiful, spontaneous banner was made by the UTTERLY AWESOME JokesOnJane, who made me the happiest person alive by, without warning, creating and giving it to me. :)
So this is a story I came up with after reading about Leah in Breaking Dawn. Although I hated the book, I did enjoy the Jacob and Leah parts. If you are thoroughly attached to Bella, Edward, and their bouncing baby spawn, you will probably flame me for this. However, I'd like to think that underneath all the darkness and sarcasm, there are some genuinely funny parts in this. So give it a chance - and please review if you love OR hate it! Banner made by JokesOnJane, who is simply a wonderful human being and did it without even being asked.
5. The Spawn Tour of South America
Rating 5/5 Word Count 2253 Review this Chapter
The Spawn Tour of South America
Leah bit the inside of her cheek so hard that her mouth filled with the awful, metallic flavor of blood. She spat on the side of the highway, wiped her mouth, and yelled once more in Jacob’s ear, “Damn you, Jacob Black!”
As usual, he ignored her.
Somehow, for the second time in one week, Leah found herself on Jacob’s landfill-deserving motorcycle driving directly towards the leech catacomb. The only difference was that this time she clung to Jacob instead of the handlebars, her arms wound painfully tight around his midsection. Her goal was to squeeze the smartass right out of him.
Jacob had coerced her into joining him at the Cullen crypt, claiming that fortuneteller-leech and soldier-leech were the most dangerous of all of them, and he might need protection. Being his beta, it was all but mandatory that she accompany him on missions like this.
As he was quick to remind her, it had been her idea that he go visit the remaining Cullens and pry them for information while Nessie was tapping South American futbol players. Her response? A well-aimed sucker punch. His jaw had throbbed for a whole twelve seconds.
Nevertheless, here she was on a motorcycle headed into the heart of parasitic city. Fuck Jacob Black.
He leaned to the left, and shot straight onto the hidden dirt road that led to the mansion. “We’re almost there!” he shouted cheerfully. As if Leah hadn’t realized the fact.
She fervently hoped the two leeches ripped him to pieces for showing up at the house before the allotted month was spent.
He slammed the motorcycle to a halt in front of the porch steps, and then vaulted himself off. “Oy, shorty!” he called out.
The fortuneteller leech appeared at the porch within a second, her pointy face inquisitive. “Why are you here?”
“Nessie’s out of the country, right?”
She nodded, “Of course.”
“Then its okay?”
She shrugged, “When Edward goes into a murderous rage, I’ll know who to point him towards.”
“Atta girl,” Jacob grinned, “can we come in?”
The fortuneteller leech glanced at Leah for the first time, “Sure. Leah, you’re invited, if you wish.”
Leah was about to politely decline – or rather, make an incredibly inappropriate hand gesture and stomp off into the forest – but Jacob’s expression stopped her. She felt her face crack as she struggled to smile, “Thanks.”
The fortuneteller leech led them into the large, airy living room that reeked of leech. Leah breathed through her mouth and prayed to god Jacob would make this as fast and painless as possible.
Her alpha threw himself casually onto their couch, “Where’s your mate?”
The fortuneteller leech closed her eyes, smirked, and within half a second he was standing behind her, one hand on her shoulder. Utterly creepy. She opened her eyes, “Here.”
“Jacob,” the soldier leech nodded with a deep voice, “Leah.”
She sneered. He was able to feel emotions, so she wouldn’t bother to put on a happy-go-lucky front. He’d see right through her.
“Do you want to sit down?” The fortuneteller leech asked politely, pointing at a chair that stank of leech.
Leah wrinkled her nose, “No thanks.”
“Suit yourself,” she danced to the sofa, pulling the soldier leech with her. Leah stood behind Jacob’s couch.
“Sooo,” Jacob drew out the word, “any news from South America?”
Soldier leech chuckled, “Can’t last a week, can you?”
“No,” he whimpered, losing any traces of dignity he still had left, “I’m dying here. Any information for me?”
Fortuneteller leech and soldier leech exchanged a glance. Leah narrowed her eyes suspiciously. Then fortuneteller leech turned and grinned, “Nessie’s doing well. They visited Isle Esme, which she loves of course, and spent last night there. They’ll stay there until Monday.”
“Did she pick up a boyfriend?” Leah asked uncaringly.
Scary soldier leech rolled his golden eyes, “Like Edward would ever allow that to happen. He’s worse than any authoritarian dictator. He’d line up all prospects against a chain link fence and shoot them execution style.”
She tried as hard as she could to suppress her smile. She really did. But the mental image of tyrannical Mozart leech manically executing any possible boyfriends made the corners of her lips carve their way upwards.
“She’s not so interested in boys right now as she is seeing the place where she was conceived,” Alice explained, “she wants to feel like she belongs somewhere.”
Leah tried not to gag at the idea of a child wanting to see the place where their parents got it on. How disgusting. Of course the child in question was a neurotic spawn child, so she was undeniably going to have a few issues. Still – it was weird.
Jacob frowned, “She belongs here.”
Fortuneteller leech shook her head sympathetically, “She doesn’t feel that way. You know that.”
Jacob looked very much as if he didn’t want to know that.
“Besides,” soldier leech interrupted, “Nessie’s always been fascinated with the South. She despises the rain – a trait inherited directly from Bella – and wishes to live in the sun for a few decades or so.”
“She can’t go south!” Jacob protested hotly, “My pack’s here! Her family’s here! Not to mention her school.”
Yes, because god forbid the little monster transfers schools, Leah thought sarcastically.
“Jacob, you can’t control what Nessie wants,” the fortuneteller leech said gently, “if she wants to leave, will you really argue?”
He didn’t even have to think about that one. His shoulders slumped, his head hung low, and he muttered to the floor, “No.”
Leah looked with disgust at the puddle Jacob had melted into. She glared at fortuneteller leech, “Would you all move with her?”
She nodded, “Edward and Bella would, without a doubt. We’d all end up following. This family doesn’t do well without each other.”
“It would kill Esme,” Soldier leech added, “she lives to see this family together.”
Leah imagined the motherly, sweet, nauseatingly kind leech, who had already adopted Seth and Jacob both as second sons. The woman was ridiculous – she mothered anything capable of breathing.
“But . . . .” Jacob struggled with this, “how would that work out? Could I come? Will they let me?”
Fortuneteller leech and soldier leech exchanged another long glance. Leah narrowed her eyes.
“We’ll leave that up to Nessie, Bella, and Edward,” fortuneteller leech finally said reluctantly, “we’re still not quite sure why they’re banishing you now.”
Leah snorted again. They all looked at her, and she bit back a smirk, “I thought Jacob was excluded because he was imposing on her sexual freedom.”
Soldier leech chuckled, “That’s part of it.”
“Nessie wants a teenage fling,” the pixie fortuneteller leech added, “Jacob gets in the way of that.”
Jacob looked so sad and pathetic that Leah smacked the back of his head. He rubbed it, “Ow.”
Pixie leech looked amused. “I thought he was your alpha.”
“He is,” Leah glared directly at her, “but when he’s a wreck due to your vampire spawn, I tend to have to drag him around.”
Leah was proud of herself. It was both an accusation and a reminder that she was capable of acting on her own, should this turn out badly. Soldier leech raised his eyebrows.
“Can I come here every day for updates until she gets back?” Jacob begged, oblivious to the tension in the room, “then can I call you? I know your phone number Alice, it would work.”
Dear god. He had a fucking psychic parasite on speed dial.
Fortuneteller leech shrugged, “Sure. Edward will know, cause he can read my thoughts, but he shouldn’t be too upset. We just won’t tell Bella because she’s even more neurotic about Nessie’s wants than he is.”
The mention of Bella and her tendency to stray towards neurotic-ness made Leah abruptly nauseous. Empath/soldier leech glanced at her curiously, “What’s wrong?”
Leah figured she could be honest about Bella with these two. They seemed to be able to take a joke, so she grinned with fake enthusiasm, “Bella Cullen makes me want to dry heave!”
Pixie leech frowned, “Why?”
“Have you met her?” Leah retorted.
Soldier leech fought to maintain his composure. Jacob stood up, “Time to go!”
“Okay,” Pixie leech stood up, “you’ll be back tomorrow?”
“Yeah,” Jacob fidgeted uncomfortably, “uh – do you think – is it possible to tell Nessie that I miss her?”
Leah rolled her eyes, “Out. Now.”
He slumped, “Fine.” The two leeches showed them out, and Leah dragged him back onto his craptasmic motorcycle. This time, she drove.
Leah’s all powerful alpha was about as useful as three-week-old roadkill for the next four days. He followed her around like a puppy that had been kicked by its owner, his eyes forlorn and his shoulders drooping. Every day he would guilt-trip her into a quick leech visit, for spawn updates, and then he’d spend the rest of the day in her room moping.
She wanted to throttle him.
On the third day of the Spawn Tour of South America the pixie leech had good news. “They’re leaving Isle Esme,” she announced, “Rosalie wants to take her shopping in Rio, and Emmett wants to go to the Amazon to wrestle pythons. They’ll be busy doing mundane things for the rest of the trip.”
Yes, because wrestling pythons is the absolute epitome of mundane.
“Is that safe?” Jacob asked desperately.
Solider leech had sighed, “Her skin is more impenetrable than yours, mutt.”
That didn’t console Jacob. Nothing could console Jacob. Leah had to suffer with a dirty, greasy, sulky teenage boy wearing last week’s smelly clothes following her relentlessly.
The worst part of it all was that the spawn’s return to Forks wouldn’t ease Jake’s misery. In fact, it would probably aggravate it. Then he wouldn’t even be allowed to harass Pixie leech for updates, and would probably spend even more time dying on Leah’s carpet. Ugh.
Tuesday morning dawned rainy and overcast, perfectly fitting Leah’s mood. Jacob had gone as far as to sleep on the couch in her house last night, claiming that there was no point in going home. Then he ate all her food and stalked her until she threw her hands up in exasperation and went with him to the Crypt.
“Alice! Alice!” he called out joyfully, barging through their front door, “Alice!”
He was like a junkie – trembling and crying until he got his daily dose of monster progeny news.
Leah followed him carefully into the house, and then went and sat lightly on a slightly less pungent chair. Pixie leech appeared in moments, “Hello Jacob, Leah.”
Soldier leech was quick to follow. They watched as Jacob nearly cried he was so excited for news of his beloved child spawn bride.
“Oh – yes, um, Esme called,” Pixie leech smiled, “they ran into a few friends yesterday near the Amazon. Do you remember Senna, Zafrina, And Kachiri?”
Leah remembered the freakish, albino, stretched South American vampires from the anticlimactic chat with the Volturi. They had been wild, and more intimidating than any of the pathetic little Volturi in their stupid matching cloaks.
Jacob nodded, “Nessie probably loves that. She always enjoyed Zafrina’s pictures.”
“They’ve been getting along very well,” Soldier leech said smoothly.
Pixie leech entwined her fingers with her mate’s, “Don’t worry though, the three of them are content with a short visit. Nessie will return on schedule, without visitors.”
Another worry line left Jacob’s forehead. He beamed, “Brilliant. Maybe Nessie will be so happy from her trip to South America that she’ll forget this whole ‘space’ thing!”
“Don’t count on it,” Leah deadpanned.
He rolled his eyes, firm in his happiness, “Did she say anything about me?”
“Er – no,” Pixie leech half-smiled, “sorry.”
Jacob sulked. Leah glanced suspiciously at Pixie’s quick flash of guilt, but then turned to glue her alpha back together. She had a thing or two to say to the stupid spawn for making her deal with this pathetic, mopey version of Jacob.
Lochness would pay for hurting Jacob, and for forcing an enormously smelly, heavy burden on Leah’s already overfilled plate.
In a twisted turn of events, Leah realized she might actually be looking forward to the spawn’s return.
After all, killing someone is rather difficult when they’re on a different continent.
1 2 3 4 5
- 08 Oct 09
- 07 Aug 10
- In Progress