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The Epistle

Summary:
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Bella's letter explaining her life up until her nineteenth birthday, and her reasons behind her actions. Not graphic. Rated for mild language. First in the series Finally Free.Excerpt from story:"Not the pain, hell, the pain is welcomed to the numbness. Pain, at least, means that you are alive. Numb, well, dead bodies are numb."


Notes:
I think it's sad, but I'll let you be the judge. Please tell me if it sucks, because I wrote this at 2:00 a.m. So...yeah, enjoy! ;3


1. Sincerely...

Rating 5/5   Word Count 1691   Review this Chapter

09-13-04

To Whomever May Be Concerned,

Wow. Who expected it to end like this? Certainly not me. Weird how things turn out the opposite of how you thought they would. Life seems to be funny that way. That's one of the things I hate about it.

I remember being five. That was when I decided I wanted to be an author. I would love to write fiction, hopefully coming close to my all time favorite, Wuthering Heights. And I was pretty good at writing. I was pretty good at few things, but writing was definitely one of them.

In fact, school in general was quite easy for me. I was always in advanced classes, in an advanced school, no less. I loved math, the numbers numbing my mind, letting me get away from everything. In English, I got to write about anything, princesses meeting their Prince Charmings, Witches and goblins...a lot of things. I got away from my world, and got to shape another, more exciting one.

The other classes, they were just there. Except for P.E. Ask anyone who knew me, they could tell you how horrible I was. My klutziness was too overbearing just walking, but running and concentrating on something that wasn't my feet usually ended in disaster.

Yet there was always writing. And reading. My two escapes from the real world. The broken family, separated from a bitter divorce. At least on Renee's side, my father, Charlie, was still in love with her. Yet she was gone, off with...someone else. I knew how he felt. Then, there were the boyfriends, some quite horrible, and few tolerable. Again, writing was my escape.

My mother finally found a nice man, and she went out with him frequently. I stayed home, paying the bills, or working like I usually did. You would think I was the mother, and in a lot of ways, I was.

But no matter what happened, I was always content. Maybe not quite happy, but content nonetheless. I always had a writing assignment to think about, making plotlines, drafting papers, editing, checking...I was always excited about the next step. You could tell I didn't get out much.

Anyway, after mom got married in Mexico, which was not easy to arrange, I decided to leave. We lived in the sunny state of Arizona, and right in the heart of the city of Phoenix. I knew Mom would want to move with Phil, her husband that plays in the minor leagues, and I wanted her to be happy. So I decided to come to the place of my birth. Forks, Washington.

It was the polar opposite of Phoenix, and to be honest, I wasn't too excited about coming. But I knew that everyone would be happier this way. Everyone except for me, but that didn't matter.

It was there that I met Edward. I could go on for hours about the dreamy eyes you could get lost in, or the silky hair that was oddly colored, or the lean body that was beautiful. But that didn't matter, I liked the person within. I mean, don't get me wrong, being to die for gorgeous wasn't a bad quality, but I required compatibility on a mental and emotional level.

At first, it seemed as if he hated me, and avoided me at all costs. But then I learned that it was a misunderstanding, and we got to know each other. He may have been beautiful on the outside, but he was gorgeous within. He was smart and funny, yet serious and compassionate. We liked the same music, even had the same favorite songs. We were both advanced, leaving us more time to talk about random things.

That was one of the great things about our small relationship, we could start talking about anything and everything, and it would work. But there were a few problems.

I, being a hormonal teenager, wanted a bit more from our physical relationship. He was much wiser than I was, and he resisted. He would promise me that he wanted me just as much, if not more, and I did believe him. Kind of.

I always thought he just had some sort of odd obsession with me, because he had once said that I was hard for him to read. I figured that soon that obsession would be gone, and I had wasted some of my life on a dream that was just that, a dream. And so, I left.

I packed my bags and set off on the road, not quite sure where I was headed. I didn't want to see my mother right away, afraid that she would be mad. So I stayed in a hotel room for a little while, to clear my thoughts.

But then, Edward and his father appeared, and began to beg me to come back. Because he came to me without my asking, I figured that my unspoken fears were stupid and irrelevant. I began to pack and walk down the stairs, but I fell, and rolled down two flights before I fell out of the window. I fell two stories, but luckily enough, I landed on an old mattress.

I was in a coma for a few days, but was okay. Edward and my mother were there, and they both promised to never leave me behind again. I finally thought everything was going to be okay. My life was perfect, after all that time.

Edward had forced me to the prom, but I enjoyed it anyway. Dancing was just not my thing, hell, walking wasn't my thing, but he made it easy. Then, we lay back the rest of the summer, since my leg was stuck in a cast thanks to the nasty fall.

Soon enough, school started again, and I was going to have a birthday soon. I hated celebrations, and begged them not to do anything, but it was no use. The day I turned eighteen, I was driven to the large mansion, and forced to open presents and eat cake.

But, a few of Edward's siblings...weren't fond of me. We got into a spat, I got pushed, and my already shaky equilibrium caused me to fall on a huge pile of glass plates. It hurt, but the way Edward looked at me hurt more. He looked so ashamed, but kind of dead inside. So cold.

He continued that way for a while, until he took me out to the path behind my house. He told me how he and his family were moving, and I couldn't come. He told me that things between his family and I just would never work. The indifference he exuded scared me, but I knew I would lose him in the end. How could I be worthy of such a wonderful soul?

After that...I'm not too sure. I turned into a void basically, back to the same waste of space I used to be, only hundreds of times worse. I was a living corpse. But the sad thing was that I knew it, and I didn't care. I didn't care about much then.

But eventually, I met a friend that I knew wouldn't desert me. Jacob Black. He was always there, brightening my darkest nights. He was my new sun, because the old one didn't seem to work anymore.

I became alive again, but I was still so hurt and broken. I knew I was as fixed as I would get, which was not so good. I could barely pass for a person.

Somehow, Jacob grew...fond...of me. I wasn't exactly sure how that happened, I'm still not actually. I knew I wasn't good enough for him that way. He deserved someone who could love him for him and only him, not because he made them forget about someone else.

He insisted he didn't care, that he loved me for me, but I knew that it would be wrong on too many levels. Though he didn't look it, he was sixteen, and I was eighteen. He was a minor, and I was a legal adult.

But also the fact that I loved, hell, love Edward. So I could never fully love Jacob as anything other than a brother, and even if I tried, it would somehow feel as if I was betraying Edward. I could never do that.

Later, Jake must have realized exactly how horrible I was, because he stopped talking to me, and if I went to his house, he was either gone, or he would slam the door in my face without a word. Once, while he was doing this, I thought he looked pained for a moment, but I was probably hallucinating. I had been prone to do that as of late.

And so, today is my birthday. The anniversary of my life falling down the drain, even more so. I mean, it had never been horrible until a year ago, but I promise you that it wasn't daisies, rainbows, and unicorns.

I finally decided the moment I got up this morning, that I couldn't do this. Instead of going to Harvard to become a cold and bitter lawyer, who was secretly miserable, like Charlie seems to think I am, I cracked.

I just...can't take it anymore. Not the pain, hell, the pain is welcomed to the numbness. Pain, at least, means that you are alive. Numb, well, dead bodies are numb.

And so, having tried to not be numb and failing miserably, I decided to become something naturally numb. Something meant to be numb.

And so, if you find this, go to the Cullen mansion. I promise, It will not be messy or anything. I'll be on the third floor, room at the end of the hall. At least, my body will be. My soul, my soul will finally be happy. Instead of writing about princesses and princes, I'll be one. I'll be better, safer. I'll be free.

Sincerely,

Isabella Marie Swan