LOST IN THIS
My story picks up back in Forks, the night Bella saved Edward. My story explores the possibility that Bella did not forgive Edward right away. That she may need time to decide what to do. I tried to keep it as realistic as possible. Enjoy!
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The basis of this short story belongs to Stephenie Meyer – author of the Twilight Series (including characters and story lines)
I hated myself.
I had thought that I hated myself before, when I had first chosen to leave her, but this was different. This was worse. This was pure torture. To have had her safely in my arms, to have felt the smooth planes of her full lips once again, it was heaven right in the center of the hell that I have created for us. I could barely move. After leaving my sanctuary, my only heaven, her bedroom, I walked home at a snaillike pace. It took every ounce of effort to place one foot in front of the other and to not turn back to go to her.
I stood in the front of my family’s house, the house where that fateful night had occurred. I would give anything to go back to that night. I would sacrifice whatever soul I had left, if any, to go back. I would have never left my Bella. I would have never for one second made her think that I did not love her anymore. The idea was utterly absurd. It was utterly absurd because it was wholly and entirely untrue. My love for her has never ceased, not even an ounce, and it never will. My love for her has only grown and will continue to grow whatever the outcome of our relationship. She is my life. She is my one and only. She holds the key to everything kind and beautiful.
“Bella…” I sighed. Dropping my head in defeat.
At that moment the front door crept open and Alice peered through the crack. Once our eyes met she walked toward me with deliberate slowness.
“Edward? Edward I’m so sorry.” She pursued. Her face showed that of comfort, yet loss. “I saw Edward. I saw what happened tonight. It’s not so bad.” She falsely and half-heartedly recounted, measuring my reaction. As if that simple statement could possibly be enough to make me feel better.
Once she read my face, she knew that this was not the time for that.
I’m sorry. I thought I would at least try.
She made her way in front of me and wrapped her arms around me in comfort. I did not respond. I just stood there…numb.
“Edward, please, come inside so that we can talk. We can figure this out. I promise that you and I will figure this out. We will find a way Edward.” She pulled me by the hand and guided me inside.
The rest of my family was quietly standing there as I walked in. Everyone was there except for Rosalie. I’m sure that she was still feeling guilty for relaying that horribly false and untrue message to me, and was scared to show her face.
Edward, I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do? Please look at me. I hate to see you like this, Esme thought.
Next was Emmett. Yo, Edward I’m really sorry buddy. I’m here if you want to blow off some steam. Just let me know. We’ll go take it out on some grizzly.
It was at that point that I stopped listening to their thoughts completely. I couldn’t handle everyone looking at me waiting for me to react. I would not react.
I did not make eye contact with any of them.
Alice guided me straight up the stairs to my bedroom, her thoughts silent. She sat down on the couch while I approached my wall of windows. It was a motionless night outside – not a peep to be heard. It was as if the entire world had hushed, waiting for me to make the first move against it. I leaned against the glass peering out, hands raised above my head.
“Alice, what am I going to do? She doesn’t want to see me.”
“That’s not true Edward. She didn’t say that. She’s just lost. But she loves you. She must love you. It wouldn’t be right otherwise. I know that she loves you.” She stated. Probably trying to convince herself more than me. “She would not have reacted to you the way she did if she did not care for you deeply, right?”
I ignored her question. I ignored it because for once I did not have the answer to it.
“Do you see anything? Do you see anything happening with her and I in the future?” I’d hoped she could see something that I could not possibly see at this moment.
“Nothing concrete.” I’m sorry. “Like I said, she is confused right now, she is very unsure of both you and herself. She has had a very hard time since you left. She has not healed yet. And that scares her, as it would any human. They are all so fragile Edward, especially Bella.”
I closed my eyes as Alice said her name, remembering a day not so long ago in Biology class, “No, Bella is fine, but everyone here seems to know me as Isabella.” How much I would give to go back to that day.
“I miss her Alice. I miss everything about her. Her face, her lips, her hair, her clumsiness, her…scent. I’m such a miserable excuse for a” Alice bounced off of the couch in an instant, grabbing my shoulders, standing on her tippy toes in order to reach my eye level.
“Don’t ever say that Edward! You are an amazing being. We are all so fortunate to be able to share this existence with you. Don’t ever think any different. Bella knows you inside and out, she will come around.”
“Do you see her asking us to leave Forks?” suddenly alarmed.
“No, she won’t ask us to leave. Bella would never ask us to leave, regardless of what arises amongst you two. At least I hope so. I would miss her. I would miss this place. I have missed this place. And…” then she abruptly cut her sentence short, as if I would not have noticed.
“Alice! What is it? What have you seen?” The sound of my voice grew in anticipation.
Nothing. Nothing to worry about. Just a small thing that you really shouldn’t worry about right now. Lets figure out a way to win her…
“Alice!” I pressed.
She raised her eyes to meet mine. “Jacob Black.”
That was all she needed to say. I knew exactly what would come next. “Jacob Black is in love with Bella.” I stated matter of factly.
My Bella. A wolfe and my Bella. This could not be the reality that I must learn to live with. It couldn’t be. Could it?
“Alice, I have to do something. I can’t let this happen. It won’t happen, it’s far too dangerous!”
“Edward, I’m sorry to have to say this but you may not have a choice in the matter any longer. But rest assured, I do not see Bella returning the boys feelings. Not yet. She only sees him as a friend. But a friend that guided her through the worst of her low points. They have a very strong bond Edward. He won’t hurt her, I will keep a close watch.”
I stood there for an immeasurable moment before coming to my conclusion.
“Will you speak with her on my behalf? Tell her that I love her? That’s it; just tell her that I love her.”
“Of course I will,” she promised, with a reassuring smile.
My plan was to give Bella the time and distance from me that she desired. I would not approach her - not too often at least. I could not promise myself that I would never try to speak with her, or reach out to her. I would only be lying to myself.
I turned to Alice and pulled her in for a bear hug. “Thank you for everything Alice. You know that since I am at one of my worst lows, you are going to have to step up to be the best friend here, right?” She giggled, sensing my plan.
She drew back, placing her hands on my shoulders.
“Are you kidding? I’m the ‘inside guy’ on this one. I can’t wait until you two are back together. It was always meant to be. From the very first moment, it was always meant to be.”
At that, Alice left me alone with my thoughts.
As everyone went about his or her business, knowing that I did not want to be bothered, I laid across my couch drowning in Debussy on repeat. Before Bella, I would not have understood how any form of being could possibly feel this lovesick over another. I would not have sympathized. I would have pitied the fool who did so. But now, I could fully commiserate. Romeo and Juliet, Jennifer Cavalleri and Oliver Barrett IV, even Cathy, Heathcliff and Edgar. All of which are held captive by their own wrongdoings.
As was I.
It was going to be an extremely long night before I could place my eyes on her once again. I longed to climb into her bedroom to watch her sleep. Tomorrow my siblings and I would start back at Forks High School. Once an annoyingly boring and torturous chamber was now my saving grace.
I decided that I needed to hunt.
I bounded down the stairs in one leap turning my head harshly toward the living room where my family resided. I looked Emmett square in the face.
“This is gonna be awesome!” he said excitedly. He immediately hurtled himself out of his chair and dashed past me through the front door.
I looked at the rest of them and offered one stern nod in their direction, then abruptly followed Emmett into the dark forest.