LOST IN THIS
My story picks up back in Forks, the night Bella saved Edward. My story explores the possibility that Bella did not forgive Edward right away. That she may need time to decide what to do. I tried to keep it as realistic as possible. Enjoy!
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Apprehensive – BPOV
“Hey what’s up with you Bells? You look at little sick.” Charlie said, lowering his newspaper in order to examine me more carefully.
“No I’m fine dad, just had a long night out in La Push.” I lied, keeping my eyes in the fridge, looking but not seeing.
“Yeah you must have gotten home pretty late. How’s are the boys out on the res?”
“Good. They’re good. Not much to change out there.” I had to concentrate to keep my voice from sounding off. My stomach was in knots. I could barely choke down the cereal that I had grabbed.
“Well that’s good. Tell Billy that I say hi next time you head out that way. We’re getting together to watch the baseball game next week. Our teams 6 and 0 and on their way to 7 and 0.” he said proudly.
“That sounds like fun dad”, laughing lightly in order to ease any thoughts he may have about my present state.
“Alright well I gotta head out to work. Have a good day at school Bells” he said planting a kiss on my forehead.
“See you later dad.”
I felt guilty for lying to him. But I didn’t see how the truth of the matter could in anyway result in not hurting him.
I went upstairs to change for school petrified of what was to come. I didn’t know if they were going to be there, and more specifically, if he was going to be there. He had said that they were living back here again. It would only be natural that they enroll back into school. Again my stomach lurched at the thought. I had no idea of what to expect. Did they hate me? Were they allowed to speak to me? I’d hoped that what had happened between Edward and I would not affect my friendships with the others.
I found myself searching my closet frantically. I had no idea of what I was looking for. Today was no ordinary day. Today everyone would most likely watch me closely. Especially Jess, Angela, Mike and Eric. They would be waiting to see me react to the news of the Cullen’s return. But what did it matter what I wore? I was running late now so I quickly threw on my favorite jeans, my fitted long-sleeved brown shirt along with my worn out converse. I threw my beanie in my bag just in case. I was glad that I had paid a little extra attention to my hair though. Lying to myself of the reason for doing so.
I pulled into the school, scanning the lot for any of their cars. I did not see any of them. Suddenly I felt a little sad. I felt a little let down. Not realizing that my hopes had been raised until they came crashing down. I parked in the outermost region of the lot, not really sure why. I climbed out of my truck, organizing my bag on my bumper when out of the corner of my eye; I saw a red car pull into the lot.
It was Rosalie’s car. Behind her followed his silver Volvo.
My breath caught at the sight. I didn’t know what to do. I decided to walk to class as I would any normal day. I threw my bag over my shoulder and soldiered on. I did not look to see where they had parked. I forced myself to not pay attention.
I made my way to English class safely. Breathing easy that none of them had been assigned this class. What would I do if one of them were? I pushed the thought from my mind.
“Hey did you see? The Cullen’s are back” whispered one of my surrounding neighbors. I pretended not to hear.
The teacher was running late, so I took this opportunity to draw meaningless circles on my notebook. I’d hoped that it would occupy my mind in some measure.
Just then Jessica hurried into class, slowing down momentarily to spot me. Shoot.
“Bella!” She rushed over and sat in the seat directly in front of me. “Bella guess what? Guess who I just saw?” She bounced in anticipation.
She was the one person that I was most dreading having this conversation with. Here we go.
“ I don’t know Jess, who did you see?” I challenged.
“The Cullen’s. The Cullen’s are back, Bella!” she said eagerly, awaiting my reaction.
I let her down. “That’s nice, Jess” as I continued to doodle on my notebook.
“Bella, did you hear me? The Cullen’s are back. Edward is back!” she probed.
My heart bucked at the sound of his name. The feeling in my stomach deepened.
“Yeah I heard you Jess. The Cullen’s are back. That’s nice. I’m sure they are happy to be back home.” I stated calmly.
Once she saw that I was not going to react the way she had anticipated, she moved on to her own seat.
English soon ended, and thank goodness that I did not run into anybody in my next two classes. No Jessica, no Mike…no Cullen’s. But unfortunately the classes sped by way to quickly. I was in no way ready to go to the lunchroom. I had not fully prepared myself for what was to come. I had actually contemplated eating lunch outside of one of my classrooms, but quickly decided that that would be really pitiful to do so. So once again, I forged ahead.
Luckily Angela caught up with me outside of the gym and walked with me the rest of the way. I took one last deep breath before entering the cafeteria.
As I walked into the cafeteria I immediately spotted Jessica, Eric and Mike. I allowed myself one quick glance at the table that they used to occupy.
I continued down the line, blindly grabbing food along the way. I had not noticed what I had grabbed until I took a seat at our table. I’d managed to grab one apple, one side of mashed potatoes and chocolate milk. A scattered diet to match my scattered brain.
“Nice choice there Bella.” Eric said, laughing at my scrambled tray of food.
“Yeah what can I say? I feel like a little bit of everything.”
I had taken one bite into my apple when Jessica loudly whispered. “See there they are Bella!”
I froze, gently setting my apple back on my tray, hiding my face behind my hair. I hated that we were back to this again. I did not dare look over at them. I was afraid that if I did, I would see four sets of angry eyes. At least I hoped that it would only be four, and not five.
“I told you,” she continued, tapping my tray in excitement. “Bella didn’t believe me that they were back”.
“I did too. It’s just not that big of a deal to me, that’s all” I corrected. Yeah right, not a big deal. It was a huge deal.
Jessica rolled her eyes and continued to ogle.
Sensing my discomfort, Angela whispered, “It’s okay Bella, they’re sitting on the other side of the cafeteria” winking at me without the others noticing.
“Thanks” I mouthed.
“Yeah, well I still think that there is something really strange about them. I think that they’re hiding something. Maybe they’re superheroes or something. They’re just to…perfect.” You could see Mike studying them intently. I knew that Edward would hear that. He would hear anything that they were thinking and everything we were saying. I assumed that he was imagining throwing Mike through a wall right now. I couldn’t help but play out the scene in my head.
The group laughed at Mike’s assumption.
They had no idea how close yet how far from the truth he really was. Superheroes –no, superpowers-yes. I smiled at myself for being ‘in’ on the secret.
Again, Angela spoke in my ear, “Edward is staring at you, Bella.” My heart leaped from my chest. Would I ever get used to hearing his name in casual conversation again? I doubted it. “He’s been staring at you ever since he sat down” she continued.
I whispered back, “I don’t know what to do Angela.” I could tell by her facial features that she could sense my pain. Her eyebrows furrowed in the middle and her lips slightly drooped arranging a look of sympathy.
“Do you want to come over today to talk about it?”
“Are you sure you don’t mind? I don’t want to be a downer or anything.” Although I knew she was far too selfless to ever think something like that.
She patted my hand in reassurance. “Be at my house at 4.”
I smiled at her in acceptance to her offer.
I needed someone to talk to. I needed an outside source to shed light on what was going on in my life at this moment. She may be able to help me see something that I can’t or don’t see. And if anything, it will be nice to just talk to somebody. God knows that I wouldn’t talk to Charlie or Rene.
Without thinking, I glanced over at their table. She was right; Edward was staring directly at me. Suddenly all of the chatter in the room was silenced in my mind. Through the ever-shifting crowd of students, all I could see was his face. I didn’t look away immediately. I couldn’t make myself look away. His eyes were golden brown again. He must have gone hunting last night. He smiled at me gently. I smiled in return, allowing my eyes to linger a bit longer before turning back toward my friends. I couldn’t help it, I missed him. I also couldn’t help but notice the saddened expression on his face. I wondered if he’d noticed that my face most likely mirrored his own.
“So, Bella, you going to go with all of us to the Winter Dance?” Mike questioned, pulling me from my reverie.
“Oh. I hadn’t thought much about it actually. You know me and dancing,” I reminded them.
Jessica giggled at my expense and then added “You can’t use that as an excuse, Bella. You went with Edward last year.”
At that moment, everyone turned to look at me.
“Jessica!” Angela hissed.
I slowly raised my head to meet her eyes. “Yes, thank you for reminding me Jess.” I said curtly. “I must have forgotten.”
I glanced over at Edward to see if he had been listening. His face was deadly serious, eyes filled with fury. He had heard.
“Yeah, well, um, yeah you should definitely go with us. We’re going in a big group. My parents are buying us all dinner down in Port Angeles. Should be fun.” He suggested, attempting to break the tension.
“Okay I’ll think about it. Thanks for the invite, Mike.”
I was sure that Edward was currently blowing his last fuse. Firstly, over Jessica’s spite toward me and now over Mike’s invitation. Just then the bell rang signaling the end of lunch. I couldn’t wait to get out of this room. I felt like I had been an ant under a magnifying glass.
I looked over at Edwards’s table. He was the only one of his family left there. We both sat there motionless as the rest of the student body scattered around us. I could have spent all day sitting here staring at him.
“Bella, let’s go, we’re gonna be late!” Eric shouted from across the room.
I jumped at the sound of Eric’s voice. I closed my eyes and forced myself out of my seat. I stared at the floor as I crossed the room, meeting up with Eric and then heading off to class.
I had Chemistry with Ms. Vogel next. We were doing some kind of lab today. I took my usual seat at the back of the class. I treasured the fact that I didn’t have a lab partner. I preferred doing all of the work on my own. Most of the other kids just kind of fooled around before copying off of one of the smarter kids for answers. Ms. Vogel handed out today’s assignment. We were learning how to grow our own crystal salt gardens. Just as I started working on the assignment, I heard the teacher say, “Go ahead and make your way to the back of the classroom. There is a seat open next to Bella Swan, the girl with the long brown hair there.”
My stomach dropped. I looked up to see Ms. Vogel pointing at me, motioning Edward in my direction. I felt my heart tighten; my face was red in an instant. I dropped my head immediately. I knew this was bound to happen, and now it was. I heard him approach quietly, setting his books on the table and pulling out the chair.
“Hi.” He said gently.
I looked up to meet his eyes. I still couldn’t believe how beautiful he was. “Hi.” I answered.
“How are you, Bella?” he asked, his smile not quite reaching his eyes.
I lowered my head sheepishly and then returned to look at him. “I’m doing okay. How are you doing?”
His face twitched before he had time to recover it. I knew his face all to well to miss something like that. “I’m surviving.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean.”
I didn’t know what we were supposed to talk about. I didn’t know where to go from here. I didn’t have to, he lead the conversation while I continued with the lab.
“So I hear there’s a dance coming up?” I could hear the hint of smile he had in his voice.
“Yeah, I heard that somewhere to.” I grinned in return, glancing through the microscope and then stopping to take notes.
He fished for more.
“So are you thinking of going?” he mused.
“I don’t think so. You know better than anyone that that dance floor and I don’t mix.”
“Yes I recall.” He chimed, staring off out the window. He appeared to be in deep thought. After a moment he returned to me. He smiled at me again.
I couldn’t help but smile every time he did. He was making it very difficult to remember the reasons of our separation. I was hesitant to ask about his family but I decided against my better judgment.
“So how is your family doing?” I asked, aiming for a casual tone.
His smile grew. “They are doing well. They are extremely happy that we are all back together, and safe, especially Esme. Would you like me to relay any messages on your behalf?”
He caught me off guard with his willingness to do so.
“Oh, well um yeah sure, if you don’t mind?
He laughed. “I don’t mind.”
“Okay, well then, please tell them that I say hello and I hope to see them all very soon.” I said lamely.
“You do?” He sounded surprised.
“Of course I do. I love your family, Edward.” There it went again - my stomach - tied in knots at the sound of his name. Not to long ago, I was barely able to think it, let alone say it aloud.
His eyes grew gentle. “As they love you.”
His eyes. His golden eyes…
As if on command, Ms. Varner showed up to collect our assignments. I quickly added Edward’s name to the paper and handed it over. He no longer questioned my answers. He knew better.
“So what did you mean earlier when you said your family is happy to be ‘back together’?” I wasn’t sure if it was okay to ask this, but I was sure that he wouldn’t mind telling me. He usually told me whatever I wanted to know.
He paused momentarily, fidgeting in his seat. It must be something difficult to talk about because Edward never fidgeted unless it was on purpose.
“That is difficult to talk about.” He said briskly. “Another place and time, okay?” he asked.
I nodded once. “Okay.”
Chemistry ended all too soon. As the bell rang, we both packed up with deliberate slowness. I stood up and tossed my bag over my shoulder. He stood there next to the desk, waiting. He motioned to have me lead the way out. He followed closely behind. I turned toward him outside of the door. I had no idea how to end the conversation. Again, he took the lead.
“I hope you have a great day, Bella.” He said, mocking seriousness.
I smiled in response. He then held out my Chemistry book. I must have forgotten to pack it in my dazed stupor. I grabbed it and held it to my chest, using it as my security blanket.
“You too, Edward. I’ll see you later.”
He nodded once. And at that I turned and made my way toward the Gym. This last hour with him did not help my decision at hand. It was literally impossible to think clearly around him. Thank goodness I was going over to Angela’s house. It was one of the few places where he and I did not share a memory. It was free space.
I arrived early to the locker room. I despised this class. It was an hour that seemed to drag on for two. I stuffed my bag into my locker, taking out all of my frustration on it. I went to throw my Chemistry book in when I noticed something written on the top left corner. I examined it closely. It simply read:
I miss you.