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Living a Lie

Summary:
Bella realizes she can't go on trusting Edward, not with his parting words ringing in her ears.


Notes:
-After New Moon- Drama/Humor


1. Chapter 1

Rating 5/5   Word Count 1898   Review this Chapter

I was in the bathroom, getting ready for the day. I put down the brush I had been trying to tame my brown hair with. I took a deep breath, and looked up at myself in the mirror. I was the same as always- pale skinned and average. Of course my relationship automatically came to mind. Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, the god of beauty currently residing on Earth, was in love with me. I still couldn’t understand why.

First he left me and confirmed all my doubts. I went just about septic when he left; it was like having my heart cut out with a dull blade and being replaced with a hot coal that constantly burned at my flesh. Then I end up saving him from getting killed, and we’re back together.

At first I was just so happy to have him back, I didn’t think. I didn’t consider my possible future realistically. Now a little over a month has passed, and I’ve done more thinking than Albert Einstein- Yes, my brain does hurt.

I didn’t start thinking until a certain line started replaying in my mind every time I’m near Edward. “I’m a good liar, Bella, I have to be.” Every time he says he loves me, every time he kisses me, even when he looks at me, it’s all I can think about. He had meant it to credit that he loved me, and was lying when he said he didn’t, but it only made me suspicious of him.

I felt like I couldn’t trust him ever again. I’m constantly worrying he might realize I’m an average, pathetic human girl, and that he might leave again. Or he’ll realize this but still pretend because he thinks I’d kill myself if he left me, and then he would spend his life miserable with a petty human girl. I keep telling myself this is ridiculous, but another thing pops into my head.

He says he doesn’t want to change me because I’d lose my soul, but what if he only loves me because I’m human? He said he loves that I’m warm, how I blush, and all those other things that go along with humanity. If that is the only reason he loves me he won’t if I became a vampire. He would leave me, and I would spend eternity wallowing. He would move on to another human girl and do the same thing to her. In that pathetic existence I would probably just be convincing myself he loved me most as his victims piled up. Or worse he would find a female vampire and move on permanently. Then I’d have no hope of winning him back and most likely end up on the Volturi’s doorstep.

All my thoughts end in him realizing he doesn’t want me, and me being hurt beyond repair. I don’t ever want to be broken again, no matter how much I love Edward, and so over the last month I’ve been plotting.

I’ve managed to come up with a simple plan. I break up with him and move far, far away from his and my own family. It will shatter my heart, but I have to protect myself. I’m always selfless, thinking of others, so would it be wrong for me to do this one thing for myself? I won’t survive him leaving me again, and all our possible futures end horribly in my mind.

Well, today’s the day I will leave the love of my life. I still can’t believe I’m doing this. Will I even be able to? I can’t think about it, though. With it being so close to my decided date Alice might ‘see’ and tell Edward. Then my plans will be ruined, and I will have to stand by and watch my fears become reality. I’ve never been more scared. James, Victoria, and the Volturi combined are nothing compared to this.

It’s now just a few short weeks before graduation. Carlisle’s promise still holds strong, but that doesn’t matter anymore. I’m trying not to imagine what this will do to everyone, but isn’t this what Edward wanted: my mortality?

Everything’s passing by like a dream. Nothing seems real. It’s like I’m floating from place to place, not feeling in preparation for the terrible thing I’m about to do. I may be ruining my life, or I may be saving it, but the potential result of not doing this is worse.

Edward’s in my bedroom, waiting. I don’t think he suspects anything. I made sure not to leave those obvious clues like he did. I hold onto him as always, and I will continue to do so until tonight. I want to remember my angel.

I’m wearing jeans and a gray T-shirt. It’s funny how long it took me to decide on the outfit. I didn’t want to raise suspicion and spent an hour searching through my clothes. Edward notices everything about me, and I’m so nervous. Will my expression be odd, my eyes too bright, my hair too fixed? I really need to calm down. My heart’s absolutely spastic, and he does have superhuman hearing…

“Bella?” Shoot!

“Yes, Edward?” I was practically shaking.

“You sound… overexcited. Is everything alright?” His voice was filled with love and concern. Damn him!

“Huh… Oh, I’m just anxious about that test today in math. That’s all, it’s nothing.” My voice wasn’t as steady as I would have liked, but he mumbled he’d be downstairs and left. I had forgotten about that test until now. It’s just another thing biting at my nerves now. Good thing I won’t be seeing Jasper today; He might pass out because of the emotional hurricane I was experiencing right now.

I threw my hair into a quick ponytail, and took a few deep breaths. I opened the bathroom door and descended the stairs, making sure I didn’t walk too fast or too slow, but of course I tripped on the second to last step. Stone arms enveloped me before I could touch the floor, and I looked up at the most glorious face I had ever seen. Edward, why do you have to be so irresistible?

“My angel let us try to carry out today without any fatal incidents.” Oh, how I loved how he spoke. He was like the Mr. Darcy/ Johnny Depp of my dreams…

“Oh, Johnny Darcy…”

“Who is Johnny Darcy?” Had I said that out loud?! Blood rushed to my face.

“Johnny Darcy? What in the world are you talking about?” I was NOT going to share my completely insane fantasies with my perfect boyfriend, especially because he was the ‘white knight’ in nearly all my daydreams and was often shirtless. Edward just gave me one of those ‘I hear voices in my head and am still not weirder than you’ looks.

He kissed my head, and led me into kitchen. I had my usual: cereal. Again I tried to act normal, which is not an easy feat when your emotions are swirling uncontrollably. I was even to the point of being nauseous when I finally finished. I hadn’t felt like eating at all, but me not eating breakfast would definitely not be normal. I put my dish in the sink, grabbed my raincoat, and headed out the front door. Since I wasn’t grounded anymore Edward drove me to and from school.

We were usually quiet during these drives, just sitting and taking in each other, but today it seemed awkward to me. I mean I was trying not to hyperventilate and not because of the normal reason: him being close to me. He asked me if I was all right again. I used the same, lame test excuse again. What if I was so nervous during the ‘break up speech’ I used the test as an excuse? It is something I would do. I’m a horrible liar, and when I’m put on the spot my mind gets so random. What if I forget all the lies I had been practicing saying and make a complete fool of myself? It would be a great way for him to remember me: crazy Bella.

We arrived at the school. Edward was at my door in a flash, to help me out. We met Alice on the way to class, and school passed slowly. I was so worked up I failed the damn math test, or maybe it was because I didn’t study? Then Alice and Edward kept asking me if I was okay, and I tried to act even more ‘normal’, but I think I just made things worse. I ended up tripping three times as much, because I was so focused on walking at a normal pace. By the end of last period Edward and Alice were eying suspiciously.

“Bella I can tell something’s wrong, and you ARE going to tell me.” Alice finally demanded as we were walking out to the car

“Alice AND Edward everything is just dandy!” I was getting snappy, and I practically screamed ‘dandy’.

“Bella, I have barely ever heard you snap like that, especially at Alice and me. Please tell me what’s wrong. I can help, or at sympathize with whatever is bothering you.” Edward’s understanding didn’t calm and reassure me like it usually did. It was really just pissing me off. What is wrong with me today? I’ve never felt so aggravated. It was like all my built up concerns and frustrations were piling up at the front of my brain.

“Edward I’ll tell you later… Just take me home!” My teeth were clenched as I said this. Alice and Edward looked startled, but hell, I was surprising myself.

Edward complied immediately. He opened my door for me, and then flashed into his seat. He drove even faster than usual, and kept glancing over at me. That was really getting on my nerves. Was he afraid of me?

“Bella, are you sure every-”

“Not a word!” Pure hate was burning for him now. How dare he look at me with such fear and concern! Maybe this whole “break up” thing wouldn’t be so hard…We pulled up at my house. Charlie wouldn’t be home for a couple of hours.

“Edward, let’s go for a walk.” Yes, I was going to do just about the same thing to him. That blinding anger was holding strong in my mind, and I really was ready to rip into someone.

He just looked at me. Suddenly his eyes widen in remembrance. Sounds familiar, huh? I walked, well marched, to the exact same path he had chosen. I turned to face him. I couldn’t help but glare. I’ve never felt emotions so overpowering.

“Edward, I’m sick of waiting. Hell, I’m sick of all this. I’m through with you! I don’t love you anymore, and… I never want to see your damn face ever again.” I screamed this as loud as I could. Edward face was frozen in shock. “Leave!” I finally commanded. He was gone before I could blink.

The anger abruptly lessened to let other emotions take over. Self hate and sheer grief filled me. I bent over in agony. I had never meant for it to be so cruel. What had I done?