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Robert Pattinson is Awesome

Robert lives a life of misunderstanding and works to regain his knowledge in the vampire world. P.S. ROBERT PATTINSON IS AWESOME!! ;D This is just a preview of the real thing :D


1. Intro

Rating 0/5   Word Count 671   Review this Chapter

Once again, the unclean man ran butt-naked through the mysterious forest. This wasn't the first time he had done this. Not EVEN the second. He would run like this every night, he enjoyed it, he NEEDED it. This habit of his was an addiction. On first impression you might say that this man was a poor and unfortunate fellow, but he was actually a millionaire, playing Edward Cullen in the Twilight series. His name was Robert Pattinson, the tard who admitted he was a dirty man and wouldn't have a bath for months because he enjoyed the smell of his own B.O. This fetish of body odour came from his first girlfriend who called him dirty while they made out behind the bikeshed (she was 8, he was 17). He decided that this was a good way to pull girls so he tried to ban deoderants in Britain at 17 and a half years old, when he started puberty. This plan didn't go down too well for him though as he would only manage to pull the freaks and the diseased kids at his college. Anyway, back to the story.

Robert ran through the forest, his penis was barely visible but you could tell roughly where it was based on the urine streaming down his muddy leg. He was being chased by a small group of hobo's armed with glowsticks and pitchforks. They were chasing him because they were offended by Robert's uncleansliness. The hobo's had been chasing Robert for a good 20 minutes and 34 seconds now, and had decided to stop......... And throw rocks at him although this plan had failed because the hobo's couldn't afford laser eye treatment or to go to Specsavers. Robert eventually got away and decided to go home and pet his llama, Ronald. When he got home the time was 00:14, 1 minute away from 00:15, which was time for Robert's yearly bath. He picked up a briefcase and tipped it into the bath. "This is an expensive event so I only do it once a year!" Robert tweeted on his Twitter account. He decided to bathe in his money for approximately 10 seconds, he wouldn't want to be too clean would he? Robert decided to make it quick as he wasn't made of money. He pulled the bath plug "Why isn't it emptying?" Robert said to Ronald. "That's it! It must be blocked!" Robert went to fridge and took out a bottle of Toilet Duck and ran back upstairs on all fours making wolf noises. He approached the bathroom reading the back of the bottle which read: 'For best results, squirt around the bowl and flush" Robert leaned over the side of the bath and squirted it around the bowl. "Now where can I find the thing to flush?" Robert was puzzled by this and ran downstairs to his computer and went on Wikipedia.org. Surprisingly his search came up with a result. One other guy from the US had posted about this on Wikipedia. "Hmmmmm... Lets see... 73MattDamon4Life" Robert decided to PM him Robert typed: 'Why won't it werk? NE tips on wut 2 do wit teh toylit duck?'. Robert decided to stay up and wait for a reply. He logged onto his Twitter account to read what the other members had wrote about him:



ROBPSUCKSBALLS: I made a Twitter account just to call you a fag!

EDWARDCULLENFAG4LYFE: Why aren't you dead yet?


Speaking of where Robert lives, he has a 5 bedroom house with ensuite bathrooms and a garden (which isn't really a garden it's more of a pig stye because Robert hates grass but loves mud). He sleeps in the bedroom downstairs with his pet llama, while the other 4 beds are for Blowup Bella, Anal Alice, Erection Edward and inflatable Isabella, who were all Roberts 'bitches'. These unfortunate dolls are all Roberts sex slaves, but they have no say in the matter (although Anal Alice plans on running away to China).