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The longing for Edward Cullen

Summary:
The thing Bella wants most in the world is Edward. She wants him in ANY way possible. Will Edward give in to her needs? And if he does, can he keep his self-control or would he end up hurting Bella?


Notes:
My very first fan fiction! I would love to hear your opinions :) Just some fact's before we get on with the story: My fanfiction takes place after Eclipse, so all the things in Twiligt, New Moon and Eclipse has already taken place. There is just one exception - Edward has not proposed to Bella yet (!!), and Bella haven't asked Edward to have sex with her yet. So the first chapter in this book is when Bella reveals that she REALLY would like to get it on with Edward (not in a cocky way)


1. Chapter 1. The longing

Rating 5/5   Word Count 4239   Review this Chapter

  1. The longing

“If it's wrong to tell the truth
What am I supposed to do
All I want to do is speak my mind

If it's wrong to do what's right
I'm prepared to testify
If loving you with all my heart's a crime
Then I'm guilty”

It’s not just lust. No. It’s longing. Even thou I never tried it before, I have never wanted anything more in my life than this. And lying here beside him, the longing in me exploded. He was just so beautiful. I could look at him for days and still never understand how anyone in this world could be so perfect. His gorgeous, perfect, pale skin made his deep bronze topaz eyes so easy to get lost in. I often caught myself stopped breathing when I looked into his eyes. And I just can’t help myself from stirring at him! I always feel an extreme need to touch him, to reassure myself that he really is real. And when I touch him, sometimes that not even enough. It’s really hard to understand why this top model has chosen to lay her beside me… Everything about him is just so breathtaking. It’s almost unbearable.

Even thou he is hard as a rock, it just feels like I’m melting into his skin when I touch him. And his cold skin always makes me shiver. But it’s not the cold that makes me shiver. It’s just that feeling of touching Edward, being physically close to Edward… It’s like fire inside me! But it doesn’t burn in a bad way; my body feels all warm in a very comfortable way. But when you look behind the comfortable feeling, the longing for him to be closer is always there. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the feeling I get when I touch him. Never.

Hmm, if I should explain my life in the last two years with a few sentences it would probably sound something like this: “Hi I’m Bella Swan, just an ordinary girl expect for my two left-foods and general clumsiness. Oh, yea then two years ago I ran into this guy, who by the way is beyond stunning, and I totally fell in love with him. And by some miracle I still don’t understand, he fell in love with me as well. The last two years with Edward Cullen has been the best in my 18 year old human life. There is one thing about Edward… He is a vampire. Oh, so now you probably think “Now that must mean trouble”, and yes you’re right! During the last two years I been in several near-death experiences, which including being chased by a maschoistic vampire who really just wanted to track me down, a revenge-filled woman vampire who later on the created a whole vampire army to chase and hunt me down. And if that isn’t enough I have the strongest and most powerful vampire family, the Volturi, waiting for a reason to kill me… So yea. I guessed I should be scared to death by now.” Well, I’m actually not. It’s just impossible to be scared to death when you’re lying next to Edward. Well, I guess lying next to Edward makes it impossible to think about anything else than his perfectness and the constant desire I feel towards him. So, yea, the feelings that are humming inside me at the moment just doesn’t allow any space for fear.

“Bella, beautiful sweet Bella… As much as I love staring into your deep brown eyes, it’s killing me not to know what you’re thinking. And you have been so quiet all night, it’s so frustrating so please let me into your mind sweetheart…” Edward said, and off course he could easily see that I had something on my mind that I didn’t tell him. Luckily he cannot read my mind, like he can with everyone else and thank god for that! The thought of Edward reading my mind at this moment made me blush and look down. I couldn’t tell him what I was thinking! I guess I didn’t want to sound… Desperate? And who was I kidding. I was desperate! More desperate than I had ever been before. And for that I was embarrassed. Embarrassed that I was longing so hopelessly for Edward’s touch. I was hungering for his sweet breath close to mine, to feel his smooth, cold fingers against my skin, for his lips to come closer. But Edward wasn’t that kind of guy. Any other guy wouldn’t waste any minute with a lustful girl beside them, who just wanted to get wild, be physical and lose control with her boyfriend! For that was indeed the biggest desire and longing in my life at the moment. But Edward made very strict rules about the topic. And he wasn’t going to give in. He wouldn’t lose control with me because he was afraid that he might hurt me. So silly! How mange nights I have been dreaming about it. About him. Dreaming about laying only in underwear with Edward lying beside me, caressing my body, kissing me from the neck to the collarbone and further down... The thought just made me blush even more.

“Bella!” Edward cried “Tell me what’s on your mind; I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable”. Psst, how could he even think it? Like it was possible for me to feel uncomfortable with him lying here next to me. And then, I felt his cold hand as he lifted my chin. I shivered. “Please, love?” he whispered with the most melting expression in his eyes, while he breathed his sweet breath in my face and dazzled me completely. Like I was able to tell him anything when he did that to me! I had to blink a couple of times to bring myself back to present. “Edward...” I stopped. How could I ever tell him this! I knew he would immediately say no, and I would feel rejected and hurt.

But the thing about Edward is that he always wanted to give me things and presents. I know that whatever material thing I would wish for, he would give it to me the exact moment I wished for it. The only problem is, that I’m really not the material kind of girl. However, now there is one thing I want. No, not just something I want, it’s one thing I need. Edward. I needed to be physical with Edward. The only thing he would never give me, was the one thing I craved for.

“Edward, I… I….” Oh, god I can’t tell him this! Ugh, I just have to give it a try. “I have been thinking about something and…” I blushed again.

“Love, don’t be afraid or embarrassed, you can tell me anything. You don’t have to keep secrets from me” he said and leaned forward and kissed my nose. And only that little physical contact had made my heart sound like I’d been running 10 kilometers non-stop. Off course Edward heard my heart changed. And I know that he loved how such small things as a kiss on the nose, could light a fire inside my body, which because of my easily blushing and uncontrollable heartbeat was impossible for me to hide.

“Well...” I continued “You know how you’ll always talk about buying me a new car or take me to some fancy restaurant and stuff like that?” I said, smiling a little while looking down, holding one of his perfect hands in mine. Well sure I was using dirty tricks by appealing to his desire to pamper me and buy me new stuff, but I really would do anything to make this happen and maybe a mixture of compromise and pleading would give Edward second thoughts. Huh, well I guess I can only hope.

So I slowly raised my head to read Edward’s expression, which really wasn’t hard at all. He almost got Christmas-candles in his eyes by the thought of buying me presents or spending money on me in general and then he answered: “Yes love, and you finally see a reason to change that silly, slow truck of yours for something much more Bella-standard?”

I wrinkled my forehead as I spoke “Edward, I keep telling you not to dizz the truck, its running fine and that was not what I meant!” I tried to look mad, which really wasn’t easy when you’re only a few inches from the persons who give your whole existence meaning. Edward just chuckled at my attempt and leaned closer to me, his lips heading for mine. My heart started running like crazy and I tried to calm down. My body shouldn’t really react this way every time he came close to me, but I seriously couldn’t help it.

And then when his perfect cold lips finally touched mine, my exaggerated breathing stopped altogether… Then after a few seconds of “non-breathing-just-enjoying-kissing-the-most-wonderful-person-in-the-world” moment, Edward pulled a few inches away from my lips allowing be to breathe while he whispered and almost growled a little: “Mmmmhm Bella, you’re so sexy when you are trying to play angry” and then he gave me the most dazzling crooked smile and before I even time to pull myself together, he leaned forward and kissed me again and now even more passionate than before. I took all of my small, silly, human self-control to not just jump on him and rip his shirt off! It was almost torture when he pulled away and ended the kiss. I’m really just human after all. How am I supposed to resist such a godlike temptation as Edward?

I have to tell him what I’m longing for, and then deal with whatever reaction there would come from Edward afterwards.

After a few minutes my breathing started slowing and I began talking again: “Edward, if you want me to tell you what I’m thinking you really need to stop distracting me like that” which only resulted in Edward pulling his whole body away from me, moving over to the other side of the bed. That was definitely not was not what I meant by “distracting me”, and he knew that.

“No!” I cried and tucked myself closer to him “I never asked you to move away from me, you just have to decide if you want us to kiss all night long, which I certainly wont protest against, or you can let me sit here and tell you what my mind has been wandering about most of the evening. But there is no way I can keep up a serious conversation with a galloping hard and a blushing head, looking like a freaking tomato. Personally I wouldn’t mind the” kissing all night” option” I said, looking up at him as I made my eyelashes look long and leaned closer to him as I reached for his cold perfect lips with my mouth. I tried to make the kiss last longer by clinging one of my hands into his hair and the other one to his back, but way to soon he took both of his hand on either side of my head and then slowly and gently pulled me away.

Wow, I was really surprised with myself. I have never really been confident, seductive, sexy Bella. I surprised him too; I could see it in his incredible topaz eyes. “Silly, sexy Bella” Edward laughed, and I laughed too because I had just been thinking about myself as sexy Bella, which wasn’t a characteristic I often would give myself. “You really should give me some offers which are easy to choose between. Either way I’ve been dying to hear what you’ve been thinking about all evening and that’s an opportunity I just can’t refuse. And about the kissing…” he said and winked to me, which was so unlike Edward, “there is no way that my self-control would last more than a minute with you being in the mood that you are at the moment, and I don’t mean it as a bad thing, I’m just being realistic love” he said, smiling at me.

Okay, so there is no turning back now. I took his hand in mine again as I began to spoke, my voice suddenly trembling a little: “Okay Edward, so here’s the deal. First of all, I want you to let me finish before you come with any objections or anything else” I said as I traced one of my fingers upside down his arm. Edward was just looking at me and he really couldn’t hide the curiosity in his eyes, so he just nodded and encouraged me to continue, so I looked down at his arm again and continued: “Well, as I tried to say earlier on, before you distracted me, there actually is one thing here in the world that I’m desperately longing for, and it’s a thing that only you can give me. Well, okay it’s not really a thing, it’s more like a human experience. And as you know I’m planning on soon enough to become a vampire, and spend eternity with you, but before that happen, there is one thing I would like for you to give me. Well, maybe it’s more an experience you can give us both” I stopped, looking up at Edward. He should have realized by now where I was getting at, but looking into his eyes, there was nothing but curiosity to be found.

I took a deep breath and instead of looking down again, I continued looking him deep in his eyes as I said: “Edward, I want you. I want you in every way I can possibly have you”. With that being said, as I feared the worse coming from Edward, all his reaction really did was surprise me. He just smiled and pulled me closer into his cold and hard, but yet still very comforting and perfect chest. “Silly Bella. YOU already have me in ANY possible way you can. I’m ALL yours, love. How can you even question that?” He said. Gaaah, he hasn’t really understood the meaning behind my words “in every way I can possibly have you”.

So I had to make myself very clear. Great. “Edward, that was not what I meant, even thou it makes me very happy to hear. But if you think about it, I actually don’t have you in every possibly way that I want to have you…” This made Edward raise an eyebrow. Maybe he finally understood what it was that I was asking from him. So before he started to argue against it, I quickly continued: “There is one human experience I really, really want to have before I’m turning into a vampire. I want to...” I took a deep breath “to sleep with you, to become one with you Edward. That is my biggest wish. That’s what I’ve been thinking about all evening, that’s the one thing I want you to give me” I stopped. I had made my point clear.

I prepared for the rejection, for Edward to start arguing, telling me I’m insane and that it was totally out of question. But he said nothing. It suddenly felt very quiet in my room. Too quiet. Edward was as motionless as stone. Then out of the blue, something snapped inside Edward’s head, because in a movement to fast for humans to see and react to, Edward had pushed me away from his lap, and he was now standing in the middle of my room. I couldn’t look him in the eyes. I was afraid what I might find in them. But that didn’t mean I was going to give up, and if he wasn’t planning on saying anything, then I would be the one to break the silence. “Edward, please consider it. I know that you don’t believe you have the self-control to go through with it, but that’s just nonsense. I don’t believe that you would or could ever hurt me, it that was the case you would have done it by now! I want to do this with you, I’ve never done it with anyone before so I really don’t have any experience on the subject, but I just know that I’m ready now, and I’m ready to move into third base with you, and yea, that did sound kind of phony but I know what I want Edward. And please say something, so that I can stop babbling!” I then realized my heart was pounding very fast and my chins very more red than ever. I then lay my arms around me knees as I sat in the bed, waiting for Edward’s response. More minutes passed, and still nothing. Then a new feeling overwhelmed me. The feeling of rejection. And it overwhelmed me with more force than I ever would have thought possible, because I already knew that there was a big chance that Edward wouldn’t be too exited about fulfilling my wish. But still, sitting there and letting all my guards down, telling Edward my biggest wish and need, and not getting any response at all but the feeling of rejection, I couldn’t hold the tears back. I laid my head down on my knees as I cried silently. “Stupid Bella” I thought. “You shouldn’t have told him anything, now he probably won’t ever touch you again because he fears you might jump right at him” God, I hate being human, following my instincts. But what only felt like a minute later, I felt Edward stroking my hair, and in less than a second I found myself at Edward’s lap, cuddling into his chest.

I felt his sweet breath in my face, as he used his thumb to remove the tears from under my eyes. “Bella, please don’t cry. That wasn’t my intention at all. I just didn’t know what to say. Please don’t cry love, I can’t stand to see you cry” he said as he stroked my back. “Your request… Well I guess I could call it that, well it just made me so frustrated that I really I didn’t know what to say, so that you wouldn’t be hurt and misunderstand it”. I looked up at his beautiful face, and I knew I couldn’t blame him that he wasn’t feeling the same feelings as me, plain ordinary human Bella.

Edward” I said, “I understand why you don’t feel the same need for me as I do for you. I’m only human after all. And everything inside me is craving for you; I just can’t seem to get enough. I’m sorry I began to cry, I just felt so rejected in the moment. Please forgive me for that. I’m just so attracted to you that I can’t seem to control my emotions sometimes. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have expected you to feel the same way as I do, because, yea, as I said I’m only human and…” My sentence came to an immediately stop because in that exact moment I felt Edward’s lips on mine, his sweet breathe in between my lips, and they allowed me to say no more. I let my tongue touch his under lip, and I really couldn’t help it, Edward’s taste was the sweetest I ever had my tongue on!

When he pulled away from me my lips where all swollen and, well, I kind of forgot what I was saying before the kiss. And that I guessed that was what Edward wanted to be the consequence of the kiss because then he began talking: “Bella, love. You didn’t even give me a chance to explain my frustration; you just made your own conclusions. I’m frustrated because I have been wanted so badly to be able to give you something that really would make you over-the-top happy. But not my new-car, new dress or fancy restaurant offers had been anything for you to hold interest in. And now, when you finally want something from me, more than anything else, is has to be the one thing I find the hardest to go through with” I was about to protest again, but he just held a finger in front of my mouth and I let him continue: “I don’t think you even understand how much I’ve been longing for you, in some of the same ways that you have for me. First I didn’t understand the feeling inside my body. It just feels like I never can be too close to you.” As he said this, I felt him cuddle me even closer to him, and I was happy to follow his plan. “And the idea of me satisfies you… Oh, Bella it’s the most tempting thing I’d ever felt! Believe me when I say that I’m more than attracted to you. I just can’t seem to get enough of you either. You are the center of my universe Isabella Swan. So please accept that, and stop thinking stupid things about me not craving for you! He stopped, and then kissed my forehead, and I knew that he could feel my body being more relaxed.

He then continued: “But that really doesn’t change anything. I am more than pleased with that you trust me to never hurt you, because that is a promise I made and I will always keep that promise. But if I lose control with you, if I agreed to go to third base with you, as you termed it, I could not trust myself to keep that promise Bella. When a Vampire “lose control”, you are totally giving in to your senses. And if I’m not able to combine my senses with my mind and my logical reasoning, then there could be a chance that I could hurt you. What if what I meant to be a gentle stroke on your arm would end up breaking it?” Edward shook his head, and I could see he got an image in his head which truly pained him. “I can never take such chances with you love. And for that I am truly sorry, because all I’ve ever wanted was to give you everything you asked for.”

Okay, so his words really did paralyze me for a minute or two. And the minutes of silence seemed to made Edward think that the discussion was closed, and now we could talk about something else because then he just said: “So, what are we going to do this weekend?” while he smiled his beautiful crooked smile at me. Okay, so I would have to try one last thing before I would give up this discussion. So I moved my head away from his chest, and placed my body in front of him, my head just few inches from his and looked him deep in the eyes while I spoke: “Edward, please. I’m beggin’ you, please consider it. I… I really, really want us to just try” He interrupted me, trying to stop me from begging, but I couldn’t help it and my uncontrollable human emotions made my eyes tear-filled, so I looked down as I continued: “Please Edward, let us try, if I feel uncomfortable I promise to tell you, I promise that we will stop immediately, but please let us give it a try first. It would just make me so happy…” I stopped, I didn’t know what else to say. And yet again, I waited for the rejection, for Edwards final “No, Bella” but it never came. Instead Edward lifted my chin, and looked me straight into the eyes, his expression almost pain filled, as he spoke with soreness in his voice: “Bella, i… I don’t… Bella” It was so unlike Edward so sound nervous when he spoke, usually he always were in perfect control of all situations “I can’t stand listening to you begging. It hurts so badly. I want to make you happy, more than everything else in this world. I… I promise you that I will think about it. I need to talk to Jasper and Emmett about it. I’m just as inexperienced as you are on this subject. I want to make it right, I want it to be perfect” I almost sounded like he was talking with himself now “I could never hurt you. Never. I… Well, can you please give some time to think about it, to figure out how it could work?” He said, as he stroked my cheek.

Oh, this was so unexpected. Had Edward just said yes? Oh okay, I hadn’t heard him say yes, but he promised to think about it, to figure out if it would work. I had no idea my pleading and begging would work this way on him. Well, the game isn’t over yet. Okay, game might be the wrong word, but I couldn’t help feeling like being on the high horse! So I was not getting my wish fulfilled tonight, but I was determined that with a little (Okay, maybe a lot) persuasion I would get what I wanted from Edward.

I gave him a quick kiss on the neck before lying down in my bed, my head on his chest as I whispered: “Okay, I guess I can spare you a little time if that’s what you need” and I couldn’t help having a smile on my face as I slowly drifted into sleep.