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Just Pause

I never planned on this happening, on spiraling to this point in my mental state. This is not your fault or about how you should have done something else. This is about me letting you know how much you really meant to me and how if it was not for you this would have just happened sooner. You almost had me Adriana but it was out of your control.”


1. Pause

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“I never planned on this happening, on spiraling to this point in my mental state. This is not your fault or about how you should have done something else. This is about me letting you know how much you really meant to me and how if it was not for you this would have just happened sooner. You almost had me Adriana but it was out of your control.”

Pause it please stop this voice from talking to me, stop me from seeing him speaking with flushed cheeks and bright eyes. Just pause.

“Pills and death, death and pills. Seems like they were always meant to be together, but they make a mess. I know this is probably ripping you apart inside how you saw me dead just splayed there. I knew, know, figure you will or would be the one to find me there. How could I make it worse for you how could I hurt you more then I know I already am? I do not want to hurt you, I do care so much for you.”

If you care so much why did you do this to me? I thought maybe you could prove all of my ideas about romantic feelings wrong. I thought that you could be the person I would be willing to care for. I trusted you with everything and yet you betrayed it you did this to me. How could you not want to hurt me and still do this? Hurt does not even begin to describe this.

“You were everything I needed Ria. You took the time to look and see who I really was not just who my parents were. You smiled when everyone else looked at me in disgust. Do you remember the day we met? I do, I still have that silly piece of paper in my wallet at all times. You were so scared and panicked like the floor below you was falling out. You ran into me during class and started apologizing like you ran over my beloved pet. You ripped that piece off of your sheet music when you saw my spilled coffee.”

Don’t pull it out, please do not make me see it again, remind me of what it was like in the beginning. There it is that stupid little piece of paper that started all of this. If only I had not been there or you had been slightly to the left. You could still be breathing and I could not be shattered here.

“Gardens In The Rain by Claude Debussy. That was the music you tore for me, your favorite song. ‘Someday I will buy you another coffee’ signed clumsy Ria. Remember it now?” I never forgot.

I stop the wretched memories. Why are you doing this to me? This pain is growing the longer you speak the more you tear up the more I shatter. You should see me right now; I am curled up here in the dark watching what could possibly be your final words to anyone. Why me?

“You sang so softly and sweetly to me that first time alone in the library. You were so red that I thought you may start glowing any moment. I had to beg you to let me hear you sing, that next day you tried at for choir and got in. That smile you had and gave to me I will never forget. I felt as though I had given you life, everything changed from then on we spent every single moment together. I found myself growing more attached to you.

"Like how your nose scrunches up when you are smiling at something adorable, or how you flip your spoon when you eat ice cream. My favorite thing was that look, then one you gave when you truly cared about something. I started wanting for you to look at me that way.” I did you stupid boy, I told you even about how I felt. Yet here I am and you are not here, something is so wrong. But I can not fix it.

“When I finally got the courage to take you somewhere on a date you shifted awkwardly and blushed. I took this as a yes and that night there you were at the tree. We just sat there on the bench for hours. We talked about everything from your favorite jelly bean to the things you were most nervous about having to face in your life. People walked by giving us odd looks, you in your wild shirts and converse and me in my lame sweater.” Hey I loved that sweater.

“But that never mattered even once the sun set we still sat there talking. I realized when I went back to my room that I had messed my whole plan up because I cared about you now, and I knew I could not leave.” But you did.

“Many non-date dates came after that one, all weird and misshapen just the way we both liked it. The trip to the fair where you ate a fried banana for the first time and I won you the deformed panda, and our roller outing. Then that one night came just sitting on your living room floor watching Lion King for the third time and singing along that we changed our relationship. You gave me that look for the first time and leaned over, and you kissed me so softly I almost thought I dreamed it. But you blushed and I knew I hadn’t, even at this moment I can still feel your lips. You said mine and that was that, we were now ‘official’ whatever that meant.”


“Soon a year later there we were again on your living room floor watching Bambi. You cried and leaned on my shoulder and I held you tight. It was once again a new level for us and I adored this one where we could trust each other. The next day at school you were not there and I got that old feeling of despair. I realized that it was only you keeping me here and that maybe you would be able to move on. Now a month later here you sit.”

They cared about you too! And I was gone for you remember you idiot getting you a birthday surprise.

“I just said goodbye to you after our movie night. I hugged you tighter and longer then ever before and kissed you as lovingly as I could. You blushed and smiled but I could see the worry in your eyes. I know you knew something is very wrong and has been for a while. You have tried to ask me and get closer and use that trust to get me to tell. I do trust you but I know if I tell you I won’t do it. You will cry because of me and I can not do that. So I can not tell you I just have to make this.

“Listen Ria, Adriana I know you do not believe in this but I love you. You were my life for the past year and I know I am being so selfish by doing this but in the end I can not keep going. I am not strong enough. Please know that I hate hurting you but I want you to move on and fall in love with someone else who will be able to keep moving. I love you Adriana and I never want you to forget that but just let go of it. Good bye Ria and I am sorry, forgive me someday?”

I always will, and I can not let go of you. Because I was falling for you, you were the one I would love. I yanked my knees to my chest and just watched the static engulf my screen. Oh Edward why did you do this? We all love you so much. I feel as though I am suffocating and everything is melting around me, what if I had been there that day would you still be here? Would I not be seeing you every where I look? Do you know that yesterday I thought I heard you playing piano, all the way in Chemistry on the other side of school. I rushed out and down there a smile on my face thinking it had all been a joke.

But when I opened the doors to the practice room the lights were off and you were not there. I could not pretend you were either, I just sat down on the piano bench and cried for the first time since I found you. Why did you make me see you there on the floor of your room the pill bottle still on your desk. Twenty two pills Edward twenty two. No one can comfort me no one was ever able to but you. You are not here though to wrap your arms around me and whisper that I do not need to worry that it will turn out to be a happy ending any way. I do not want any other happy ending I wanted one with you as silly as that sounds. Why did you do this? Why could I not have stopped it all, I should have. I hold myself tighter to make up for you not being here. How can I live without you here?