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Fighting Heaven

Summary:
Edward's POV during Bella's transformation in Breaking Dawn


Notes:


1. Chapter 1

Rating 5/5   Word Count 2214   Review this Chapter

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Fear is a habit; so is self-pity, defeat, anxiety, despair, hopelessness and resignation.

You can eliminate all of these negative habits with two simple resolves:

I can!! and I Will!!!

- Anonymous

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Fighting Heaven

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My moment of pure unexplainable bliss evaporated in the next second.

Pain engulfed me, sucking me back to reality. The only problem was when I reached it there was no more reality, there was nothing.

The world no longer existed, therefore there was no reality.

There was no world, no past, no present, no future…. no heartbeat.

In this endless second where time froze and melted into oblivion, I realized that all those months ago, when I believed my world had ended….my body must have known it was wrong. Because despite what I had been told Bella’s heart had still been beating and an unconscious part of my body knew that.

But her heart wasn’t beating now, and I didn’t need the lack of sound to know it. I could feel it.

The other world pull that was dragging her away from me was pulling me with it.

NO!!

“What are you waiting for?”

Time picked back up, the world began to spin again.

“Take the baby.”

“Throw it out the window.”

“Give her to me.”

A snarl ripped up my throat as I held the precious being closer to me.

“I’ve got it under control.”

I looked into my sister’s black eyes.

“Give me the baby Edward. I’ll take care of her until Bella…”

That name coming from my sister’s mouth tore me open.

I was physically torn. Two lives….two lives that made up everything that I was…

I had to choose.

My mind raced as I debated the crucial thought. In this moment who needed me more….who couldn’t I live without?

I blurred to the door and passed the miracle over to other arms.

The whole time my mind was racing, a thousand different things in less than a second, and yet they all focused on the same thing. The same crucial need: to get that familiar sound, that beautiful beat back into this world.

I turned from my sister and as my eyes took in the destruction of my world something inside me broke open. It was fierce and terrifying, taking control of my muscles and mind….demanding every ounce of strength I had left and then some.

A part of it was screaming that I couldn’t take this, screaming at my body to lock down and protect my mind from the pain… but a much larger part, a part I had no control over, a part that belonged to someone else entirely, already had me moving.

I’m not sure if the idea came to me because of the memory, or if the memory came because of the idea. Either way I was moving across the room in a blur while my father’ word’s from the other night echoed through my mind.

“Getting enough venom to the heart is the most important part of the transformation.”

My hands were indistinct blurs, even to my own eyes, as I grabbed Carlisle’s black leather bag, looking for what I needed.

It was my only hope. My only….

The sound of tearing leather registered with my ears as I ripped the metal syringe from the side pocket. I jerked away from the table just as fast and heard the bag follow my movements.

As I pulled the metal object apart and lifted the hollow side to my mouth the sound of my father’s supplies crashing to the ground filled my ears.

Glass broke, plastic rolled across the floor, and metal clinked against the hardwood.

I was finished and standing beside Jacob again before the clatter stopped.

“Move your hands, Jacob.”

His black eyes looked at me with confusion, his lips still mouthing the number’s as he pushed Bella’s heart.

“What’s that?”

I smacked his hands away, there was no time for confusion or questions and if his hands were in the way when the syringe came down I was not stopping.

I watched with determination and a certain detachment as the long needle jammed into the bruised, blood colored flesh of Bella’s chest.

I heard and felt when it pierced through her tender heart.

“My venom.” I growled, pushing the end of the syringe down.

Despite trying my best to be gentle I could feel the metal bending in my grasp, the end flattening under my thumb and the rest molding out between my fingers.

Bella’s heart gave a violent spasm.

I froze for half a millisecond, hoping against hope…

Silence.

A painful choking noise came from my throat as I threw the needle behind me.

“Keep it moving.” I demanded Jacob.

He did as I asked and went back to pumping what was left of my life.

I leaned down till my lips touched the hot flesh a few inches below Bella’s ear. I closed my eyes and shut down.

I would not feel, I would not taste, I would not think. I would Fix.

I opened my mouth and bit gently into the tender muscle, my teeth slicing through the very flesh I had denied my body for so long.

Hot liquid desire pooled into my mouth. It warmed my frozen tongue and cooled my blazing throat.

Then just as quickly I withdrew, drawing my tongue along the gash in the same half second.

My stomach clenched painfully as I withdrew but the agony of silence overpowered every other pain.

I moved to the crease of her elbow and did the same. Then wrists, ankles….I pushed as much venom into her veins as I could and took as little blood as possible. She couldn’t….we couldn’t lose anymore.

Finally I braced myself and moved to her abdomen. With trembling fingers I closed the nearly six inch gash and bent down to seal as much of the flesh together as I could. The first layer of skin and tissue was all I was able to do on my own. It would slow the bleeding and the venom in her system would take care of the rest.

The trembling in my hands intensified, moved up my arms and into my back. The burning was spreading from my throat to my chest….mixing with the unimaginable pain that already existed there, setting ablaze the hole that was growing with each second...each precious second that passed in hollow silence.

I could feel my knees wanting to buckle but I wouldn’t allow it.

‘she’s not here anymore’

Words entered the back of my head and I mentally yelled back. ‘No!’

‘There’s no need to be here’

The words continued, becoming clearer and stronger.

‘It’s too late’

‘No it’s NOT!’

‘She’s dead’

‘NO!’

That four letter word was impossible….it didn’t exist. Not here. Not now.

‘I have to leave….go….leave and never come back.’

I looked up and realized the voice was not some sick dark corner of my mind, but Jacob.

The boy’s hands were slowing and I could see the despair in his tear filled eyes even without reading his thoughts. The defeat.

Jacob Black had given up.

Anger rolled through my body in waves and boiled over violently.

After all this time, after everything Bella had gone through and dealt with because and for him…..After everything he himself had gone through for her

After all the fighting, all the anger, pain, and hurt…After everything he was giving up on her.

He was surrendering in the very hour that Bella needed him most.

Coward!

I had never, since the first moment I heard the boy’s voice, wanted to kill Jacob Black more than in this second.

“GO, THEN!” I jerked my hand out, viciously knocking his hot shaking fingers away. He had no right to touch her and he sure as hell had no right to grieve when she was not dead. Especially when he claimed to lover her.

NO….I loved her.

I loved her more than anything else combined. More than myself, more than my family, more than this world. More than his pathetic human mind could ever grasp. It would destroy him if he could. Nothing compared, not even the pain.

Because, I could hear it in his mind as he backed away: he had been defeated yes, pushed to the point of desperation and then tore hopelessly apart … But me; I was being destroyed. Each second that passed in silence another piece of me slipped away with her.

My hands pushed frantically against Bella’s silent chest….I could feel and hear the broken bones grinding together beneath my hands, but I could tell her blood was thick now. My venom was moving faster through her veins. If only her heart would pick up …..if only her lungs would fill with air.

‘….dead heart faster than me’

My arms vibrated against the inhuman growl that ripped through my chest when that word was planted in my head for a second time. “She’s not dead!”

Her heart may be silent, but I could still feel her.

My Bella was fighting….and so I would keeping fighting.

We would not be separated. We could not.

I wouldn’t allow it.

“She’s going to be fine.”

I would fix Bella and make us both whole again. Even if I had to pump her heart myself till the venom completed its three day cycle I would. That’s all I needed to do.

Then just as I thought this I began to feel something different, something that had terror ripping through my body.

There was a hollow pull coming from somewhere in my chest….followed by an unbearable ripping.

I gasped in shock and pain as the unexpected agony tore through me and I had to lock my knees to keep myself standing.

My mind realized I was a fraction away from snapping, from losing what sanity I could possibly had left. But my heart recognized the pain for what it truly was:

Bella was slipping away.

“No!” I growled viciously. My hands began to move faster as a wave of pure terror washed over me.

It was so strong I could feel myself wanting to lock down, my natural instinct to close my mind off from the terror and the unimaginable pain that was lurking to take its place gripped me. I fought it off the best I could, not allowing my hands to pause or hesitate in their movements.

“Don’t leave me,” I whispered, begging with everything I had inside. “Please.

She was slipping through my fingers, each second she drew further away….. to the one place I could never follow.

Suddenly I was no longer afraid.

I was angry.

New snaps filled my ears as the extra strength I put behind my hands began to break already broken bones, but I would not stop.

We had come too far, been through too much to have both our lives end now. The beautiful miracle downstairs….the angel with my angel’s eyes could not be orphaned the very same day she had come into this world.

Because despite the love I felt for her….despite the wonder and joy I felt when I gazed into those brown eyes….I knew she would never be enough.

It made me cruel….heartless….selfish beyond words, but I could not deny the truth.

Without Isabella Swan I was nothing.

“Come on Isabella.” The words slipped out between my teeth. I stared into her white eyes, willing her to respond.

I received nothing but the slight movement of her head as it rolled back and forth at my rough movements.

“Don’t leave us….don’t…!”

I felt it before I heard it.

I felt the tearing rip as I tore Bella’s soul away from the place it truly belonged.

But there was no guilt. Not even the slightest sliver of regret.

I could hear was my angel’s voice. It was clear and strong as the memory replayed in my mind….the memory of a conversation we’d had a little over a month ago.

”You can’t make me go somewhere you won’t be” she had said her eyes sure and serious as they bore into mine.

“That’s my definition of hell.”

We had had fought so hard to be together and for so long. From this second on I knew I would never again fight the selfishness inside me.

I would embrace it.

I had reached out and snatched Bella from her world, pulled her away from her life of friends and family…. taken her from Charlie and Renee, fought for her over Jacob Black, isolated her from everything she had ever known.

Against all the rules and all the warnings I had made her mine and by some unimaginable miracle she excepted me as hers.

So I’d be damned if after all this time I would let heaven have her.

I was hers and she was mine.

Mine today, mine tomorrow….mine for an eternity.

A loud gust of air filled Bella’s lungs and the deep thud of life filled the room. Her heart began to pump erratically, pushing my venom through her veins and tying her to me in the last way possible.

It was permanent, there was no going back.

From this second on it was forever.