When Bella was left in the forest she lost all will to live. And yet she continued for six months as a shadow among the livings. Unable to bear it anylonger, Bella takes matters into her own hands determined to make her love return to her.
I own nothing!
1. Chapter 1 - Last Solution
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I was dead. Erased from the surface of the earth at the age of 18. That fateful day in the clearing, the day he left me, my life as a human ended abruptly. My ability to feel emotions vanished completely and I became numb to the world. I lived life in a secure coat of a constant cover, my own secret hiding place in this big, empty world.
The only reason I kept going was Charlie. It was for him solely that I got up in the morning; it was for him that I went to school and came home in the afternoon to do my homework. My only reason for living had vanished from the surface of the earth and I was left alone, wandering aimlessly amongst the living as a soulless creature. Oh, he’d been so wrong. Back then the preservation of my oh-so-precious soul had been his number one priority but the moment he had gone, as had my soul. I had simply stopped caring about things. Even when my friends at school cut the bonds, I didn’t care. I didn’t even attempt to make up for the lost time. I made a new best friend instead; loneliness.
Six months had passed like this but to me it seemed like an eternity of nothingness. My once so vivid memories were gradually fading but my desire to be near him only grew. Once it had been enough to provoke an adrenaline rush to hear his voice, but now even that had subsided. A month had passed since I last heard his voice. But that hadn’t lessened my need to hear it. By the hour I was getting more and more desperate.
And then one day during lunch it dawned upon me. It would no longer be enough to be stupid and reckless. I could trip in front of a school bus, or more likely a truck loaded with timber, and he still would not show. What I had to carry out, ought to be definite, certain and final. Even my dull human senses were able to put two and two together there. I stopped pushing the now cold potato around the plate and pushed the tray away from me. I quickly rose from my seat, the chair screeched on the floor causing all eyes in the cafeteria to turn in my direction. Ignoring them all, I strode determinedly out of the room.
The last classes of the day passed in a blur. I found my seat without a problem, dumped my bag and let my mind wander the instant the teacher started talking. After all these months of utter silence it wasn’t just my fellow classmates that had learned to ignore me, the teachers had joined not long after. So I was grateful to be left alone with my thoughts and planning.
I had to do it soon I decided. But not too soon, that would only cause problems. It was only Tuesday after all; I could at least give myself until the weekend. Saturday, I decided. Towards the end of the last class most of the plan was finalized.
My life would end on Saturday, just four days from now. When the bell finally chimed its shill ring I jumped out of my seat and bolted out of the classroom before anyone could follow me. Not that they were likely to do so anyway.
On the way home I dropped by the groceries store to shop for some much needed things. I innocently added a new pack of razorblades. For Charlie.
I spent most of the afternoon cooking a gallant meal and Charlie was indeed surprised when he entered the house after a long day at work.
“Something smells delicious,” he commented as he entered the kitchen, still wearing his work uniform.
“Hey dad,” I greeted him with a genuine smile as I checked out the chief. All this time I had wondered why people considered him an authority, but looking at him now I understood why people saw Chief Swan as an important member of society. To me he had always been Charlie but now I noticed the Chief in him. Maybe it was because of the curious expression he wore on his face or the holster and gun that hung around his waist.
The gun! Everything was suddenly so clear to me and a huge smile spread across my face. I turned my attention back to the dish I was preparing and continued to cook as I hummed some long forgotten song.
Meanwhile I let my mind envision my plan for this Saturday clearly and precisely. I even set a time.
Please see this, I urged in my mind, please see what I’ve decided Alice.
I only concealed the most important part of the plan in the furthest, most unreachable corner of my mind.
As the evening wore on and turned into night, I climbed into bed and settled in for a dreamless sleep, the first in months. When I awoke at the chime of my alarm clock the following morning, I felt well rested and it must have affected my mood greatly. At least enough for Charlie to notice.
“Morning Bells,” he greeted me as I descended from the stairs.
“Hey dad,” I replied with a smile. I grabbed an empty bowl from one of the cupboards and filled it with cereal. I quickly ate it all, well aware of my father’s eyes on me the entire time. Surely the growing appetite couldn’t come as such a shock. After all, a person had to eat from time to time.
I rushed off for school and made it just in time. During English I even attempted to start a conversation with poor Angela who was so surprised when I addressed her, that she nearly fell off her seat.
“Sorry,” she muttered under her breath as she settled back into her chair. “I just hadn’t seen that coming.” She smiled weakly.
“That’s totally understandable; I haven’t been the most sociable person around lately, have I?” I soothed her, returning the smile.
“Honestly, no, you haven’t Bella. But I’m truly glad to see you smile.” Angela looked me deeply in the eyes, now smiling genuinely before she pulled me in for a hug. I quickly returned the gesture. We spent the rest of the class chatting lowly so that the teacher wouldn’t notice but whenever he seemed to hear our low whispers, we’d shut up and let him continue. Never would he have thought the talking came from our table.
I sat with Angela, Ben, Mike and Eric at lunch and tried hard to engage in their lively conversation. But I couldn’t help but notice the constant glances that pierced into my back. Especially coming from the table where Jessica and Lauren sat, shooting daggers at me with their eyes.
“Don’t worry about Jessica, she’ll come around,” Eric offered as a comfort to me and I just smiled thankfully at him. “And it’s no secret that Lauren never cared much.” My smile immediately disappeared.
“Eric!” Angela hissed and he sent me an apologetic smile.
“Don’t worry. I never really liked her either,” I answered and thus ended that particular conversation.
Working at Newton’s that afternoon wasn’t half bad either. Mike and I shared a fragmented conversation once in a while and I almost enjoyed myself.
The good mood continued when I reached home. Charlie had ordered a pizza for us to share and I greedily ate my half. We then passed some time watching a rerun of an old Friends episode which had me laughing lightly all the way through.
Another sleepless night followed.
Thursday passed much like Wednesday and when Friday came I could feel myself in a delightful mood. Charlie was so perplexed that he stayed home in the morning, just to watch me eat my breakfast. At school I was so cheery that even the teachers noticed and for the first time in months I was asked to answer a question.
I spent the rest of the hours at school trying to make as much out of the time with my friends as possible. It would be a while before I saw them again, that much I knew for sure. At the end of the day I wished them all a good weekend and trotted off to my truck. The parking lot was crowded with students eager to get away from the school grounds. I, on the other hand, wasn’t in that much of a hurry. Slowly but almost bouncingly I walked towards my much loved red Chevy which was parked between an old Ford and some other well worn truck.
The grey sky above released a growl followed by a few light raindrops. Quickly I put the last few feet between my truck behind me and I and got in. Forks may be my home, but I would never get used to the rain. The comfort of the dryness inside my car washed over me and I leaned back and let out a deep sigh. For a long moment I just sat there with my eyes closed, letting memories flood my mind. The hole in my chest stung and burned around the edges for the first time in days, but I didn’t try to ignore it. Instead I welcomed it.
The pain was all I had left. The only reminder he had ever been real. With my eyes still closed I let my mind wander to the clearing in the woods behind Charlie’s house. That was where I had died the first time and this was where I intended to go again.
Alice look! I called in my head. He had once told me how Alice’s visions worked, much like his own mind reading. She could tune away from the futures she didn’t wish to see and I was certain that he had forbidden her to look at mine. But I also knew Alice. This was the kind of thing that would take her by surprise, the protective shield she had set up to keep my future from showing would falter and she’d see me in the clearing with Charlie’s gun. I also felt fairly certain that she wouldn’t allow herself to see the next thing I had planned.
Slowly I let go of the image in my head and reopened my eyes. There, right in front of me, plastered to the steering wheel was a tiny piece of paper. My breath caught in my throat.
You promised, it read. Nothing more.
I quickly took it between my trembling fingers and tucked it into the breast pocket of my shirt. He knew!