A B.A. in BS
Dear Edward, I have finally gotten over you No, that won’t work. Dear Edward, It’s been 3 years now. You never returned. At least you could keep ½ of your promise; I never saw you again, but the whole thing about life being as if you never existed is a large heaping load of horse sh— GAH! How do you tell your high school sweetheart, the man you stole your heart never to return it, the man who obsessed over keeping you safe, the man who left you broken in a forest because he did not love you anymore…how do you tell him that that you are finally over him and moving on, kinda-sorta. How do you tell him if he’s moved away with his family and you have no way to contact him? You write his sister’s husband, that’s how! What happens if Edward really never returned and Bella went on with her life? What happens if she was able to get over Edward, leave Forks, go to college, and make a life of her own? Would his heart break if he knew she was over him and could surive without him? Would she ever see him again? What about is family-could she really live with out her best friend, forever? What about the wolves? Jake? And oh, dear....what about Victoria?? This story takes place after Edward left. Bella was too much "into" herself (her depression was too strong) that she never did any of the extreme sports, never jumped off the cliff therefore leaving on reason for Alice to come back or for them to go to Volterra. This should be interesting. (BTW the title essentially means ABachelor of Arts inBull Sh--) FAIR WARNING: THERE IS SOME OOC ACTIVITY (Out Of Character) Also, there's some senuality coming up so be prepared :-) I have this "book" finished and the second "book" started and hopefully finished by the end of my holiday vacation. Thank you for allowing me creative license with what's in my head which will soon be on "paper".This Story is rated ADULT for language, future fight scenes, and sensuality. I just wrote a scene in one of the chapters that warranted a change in rating, sorry.Updat: this book is finished-on to the next!
You guys rock and I hope you'll fogive my months-long absence. School owned me for a while. I have a total of 23 chapters in this book and two more "books" after this. I hope you all enjoy!
1. Chapter 1
Rating 5/5 Word Count 1943 Review this Chapter
I have finally gotten over you
No, that won’t work.
It’s been 3 years now. You never returned. At least you could keep ½ of your promise; I never saw you again, but the whole thing about life being as if you never existed is a large heaping load of horse sh—
GAH! How do you tell your high school sweetheart, the man you stole your heart never to return it, the man who obsessed over keeping you safe, the man who left you broken in a forest because he did not love you anymore…how do you tell him that that you are finally over him and moving on, kinda-sorta. How do you tell him if he’s moved away with his family and you have no way to contact him? You write his sister’s husband, that’s how!
(Story Begins-continuation of intro)
The letter I really wanted to and should write would go something like this:
It has been 3 years since you left me lost in that forest telling me I was not good for you and you, along with your family, were moving away from Forks. Away from me. You also told me I was not to go with you because, in not as many words, you did not love me anymore. Mentally, I was broken and my heart was battered. I ended up lithe and laying the middle of the forest until Charlie was able to send a search party to find me. They were successful in finding me, sort of.
Physically, I was fine, so please do not concern yourself that my clumsiness caused some sort of injury preventing me from finding my own way home. Conversely, my mental state --- well I had no mental state. I had almost exited my body. I had no emotion for months. I dove into my schoolwork and concentrated solely on it. My days and nights were filled with my nose in the books. I say nights because I did not sleep after you left. I started to look like what I desired to be for so long; a vampire. I spent all my time inside so I had no color to my skin, I lost weight, became frail, and started to develop dark bags under my eyes.
It wasn’t until Jake started to come around more that I finally pulled out of that. You could call Jake the light at the end of my tunnel. He was the greatest friend, I had ever had. Ok, maybe he was a very close second to Alice, but he is what saved me when you failed me. You promised to always be there for me; to protect and love me and then you selfishly left. And when you left taking my consciousness with you, someone came back. Victoria.
I won’t bore your vampire mind with the full disclosure of details. And honestly, I can’t because I have been sworn to secrecy and I intend keep that promise. But what I can tell you is that she has been taken care of and no longer pollutes the air we humans breathe. My point in telling you this is to show you that I survived. I made it. I live without you. I survived your betrayal.
I need you to know that you hurt me by leaving. You altered my dreams and hopes by never coming back. Your arrogance in believing that you knew what’s best for me, the idea that you could make decisions regarding my life and my future without consulting me, the pain that you caused me and my father, these are all still somewhat raw but have dulled over the years. That doesn’t change the fact that I consider these your failures, but I know that the more I dwell on I them, the less of my life that I live. And I refuse to let you continue to have that amount and that type of control over my existence.
For so long, I banked all of my happiness on you and your existence in my life. No more. No more spending months looking out the window day and night looking to see if you had come back. No more wondering if you were there lurking in the forest watching me. No more hikes to our---the meadow to see if you were there dazzling away waiting for me. I am moving on.
I might not have the closure I want, and that’s ok because I don’t know how I would survive seeing you again only to watch you walk away. Maybe I would be ok because I’m just that strong. Maybe I would be the one to walk away from you this time. Maybe I would fall in love with you all over again. I have built a life independent of you and that’s the closure I will have to work with and that’s ok. I refuse to let myself go back to that catatonic state where all I did was think about you-you leaving, you coming back, you in the meadow, you in the trees, you in my bedroom, you in a tux, you in the baseball field, you in my bed, you in my arms, you in my dreams…I have to be done with you so I can start with me.
About 4 months after you left, hell after I “left”, I came back and started to live my life. My grades were stellar, but I ended up at Forks Community College. I now have my Associate’s degree and again, have phenomenal grades, even for a measly little human. I have been accepted into a very prestigious university and will be leaving for the East Coast to start my own life-a life where I forget that you existed. A life where I can start over with new friends and memories. A life where I don’t have constant memories around me of you.
When you left, my entirety of my life was in shambles. When you left, I found my own strength, independence, and resilience. I took you off the pedestal and put me on. I have started to define my life by my own standards. I have held on to the memories of you, of us, of not being able to live without you for far too long and at too high of a cost. I am now letting them go.
I know deep down, I can never forget you or stop loving you. That’s just not possible because you an irrevocable-type of influence on my life and existence. There is no way my I can life my life as if you never existed. Although, it is not all your fault because I made choices in this, too. I choose to love you, to seek you out, to look at you as though you were a sun and I a planet orbiting around you, to put you into a position where you and your family were forced to uproot yourselves. I am not saying it was or was not my fault what happened that night, I am not saying that it was or was not Jasper’s fault because it just happened. But what I am saying is that I acknowledge my part in it; my recklessness.
Life is ever changing and I have grown from its lessons. I know that to survive, I have to move on. I have to start new. And that has to include less of you because living in Forks since you have left as only allowed me to hold on to you and our memories.
This is my goodbye. You did not give me an opportunity to do that the last time I saw you, so I say it now. I am not certain that you will receive this letter, but I need to at least send it. It will be my closure.
Please tell Carlisle thanks forthe free medical care and that he is the sweetest and most compassionate MAN I have ever met. Tell Esme she is one of the most amazing women and mother’s I have ever met and she is the perfect mom. Tell Emmett he gives the greatest bear hugs and he’s a great brother to all of you. Mention to Rose that I still think she’s beautiful, even if she needs an attitude adjustment. And apologize to Esme on my behalf for anything that Rose just broke. Jasper should know it’s not his fault and I have full faith that he will be able to control his hunger soon. He should also stop using his power on others unless absolutely necessary-and not to help Alice get her way! Alice, oh my Alice. Tell her I love her and that her vision was right; we are great friends. She’s my best friend and I will never have another one like her or know anyone like her. Maybe when I’m settled, if it’s not too much to ask, she can come visit me at school.
Edward, I missed you for so long. It took me a very long time to realize that you were never going to come back. And now that I’m ok with it, now that I can handle it, I have one last thing to say and wish you could have said these things to me.
I will always remember you, it will always be as if you existed, I will always love you, but I have move on.
See, if I was smart and not stressed out, that’s the letter I would write. If I was not freaking out about Dartmouth and my scholarship, I’d be of sound mind and write him such an eloquent letter letting him go from my life so easily.
Screw it. Screw him because I need to do it for me.
After taking a few minutes to write exactly what I was thinking, I stuffed the 3-page letter, handwritten on blue stationary into an envelope. I started to write the Cullen’s address in Forks on the front and mine and Charlie’s return address. I wouldn’t dare expose my address at Dartmouth to everyone. No, that would be privileged information for Alice only. If she chooses to come see me. Ha, I wonder what kind of vision she is having right now.
That’s what did it. Thinking of what kind of vision Alice would be having. If I really wanted them to get the letter, if I wanted to really say goodbye to him and let him go beyond a shadow of a doubt there was only one way I could do that. Send the letter to Jasper Hale-Cullen.
It all made sense-Alice would have stopped looking into my future a long time ago, but she would never stop looking for the future of her family and especially never stop looking for Jasper’s future. Even if for some insane reason she was no longer with the Cullens, she would see the letter, or Jasper reading the letter, and they would relay my message to Carlisle and Esme and somehow Edward-the-vampire-mind-reader would get the gist. YESSS! I could finally be free.
I walked down the stairs, out the front door and to the mailbox. I opened lid and found no mail. I hope the delivery person hasn’t been through yet. I licked the nasty envelope glue and sealed the letter. Deep breath. I put it in the mailbox, shut it the door, and raised the red flag to alert the delivery person that there is outgoing mail. A wide smile spread across my face. Finally, it was over. Tomorrow, I would start again.
- His Heroine
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